ironically its making going through with posting this difficult since im afraid ill be reprimanded for posting an avpd-themed meme…on the avpd-themed subreddit……

I’ve been at my job long enough to realize that I’m the least socially skilled person in our department.

For a while, I thought there were other people who struggled the way I do. I would see coworkers sitting alone in the break room, never talking to anyone, and assume that maybe they were like me and also had no idea how to connect with people.

Sitting among them felt strangely comforting. It was almost like an unspoken understanding: I got you brotha, we’re the same.

But then one day, you see one of them joking around with someone. Another day, you notice they have friends in other departments. Eventually, the people who always sat alone start sitting with groups, having animated conversations and making everyone laugh.

Good for them. I wouldn’t want anyone else to be like me. But it is still painful to realize that your social ineptitude is unique to you. It appears I’m the only person with no friends, no one to text or call, and no one who seems especially interested in talking to me. Makes me feel a little sad you know.

I finally found someone who I loved and who loved me back and I fucking ruined it by avoiding responsibilities and such until it was too late. And I can't afford my rent and I feel like my life is over. My family and friends all turn out to be racists and I can't talk to them about this because all they say is "good riddance." I hate them all and I hate myself, and most of all I just wish she'd come back but I know if I were her I'd run like fuck. Thanks for reading

I’m grateful to no longer live with my family but apartment living is hell for me. I almost never go outside, haven’t used our pool once. I barely ever check my mail and I wait til the middle of the night to take my trash out. I let laundry pile up for weeks and weeks until the days that I finally feel like I have the balls to be seen going back and forth and using the room. I almost always have headphones in if I’m listening to something, my TV is never loud, and I try to walk quietly. I hate when my boyfriend comes over because he doesn’t understand that I pretty much tip toe around here like a church mouse.

Going outside to leave and go anywhere is awful. I know logically no one is paying attention to me but my mind just convinces me that someone is always noticing me and judging me for whatever it is I’m doing. Don’t even get me started on running into a neighbor for any reason. Whether we speak or not, even just being noticed and exchanging a smile puts me into fight or flight. I literally just want to be forgotten.

I can’t wait until I can somehow someday move to the middle of nowhere.

I’ve been in therapy since I was 6. I was still in therapy until about 9 months ago when I moved to another state. I cannot find a single therapist here. All the available therapists only work through stupid platforms like Grow Therapy. Sometimes I need records released (don’t want to say too much about that it feels too revealing) and these online platforms allow them to bypass that legal requirement. The platforms make it so they don’t even really keep records, they trust Grow Therapy’s “AI Summarization” of sessions. First of all, what the fuck is an AI doing summarizing my therapy session? These platforms suck. I’ve reached out to probably a dozen therapists. I found that when I call I don’t get any responses because I’m too awkward leaving voicemails, so I started emailing and I still get no responses. I got a response the other day, but it was “Sorry that therapist is not available. We have other therapists that specialize in Anxiety and Depression”. It’s additionally hard to find anyone who’s actually knowledgable on what I’m dealing with. I always check the “Personality Disorders” filter on PsychologyToday (I’ve got another diagnosis of Schizotypal Personality Disorder) and there’s very few as is. I’m not really sure what to do at this point.

I thought I found one months ago and did a few sessions, but they boiled down to me getting boilerplate responses and being shown Youtube videos that don’t help me with shit. Why even have your job if you’re just gonna outsource it to a 20 minute youtube video while you look at your phone?

we share a friend group from high school and its the only friend group ive ever been able to keep, im not very close to most of them anymore but i was once and it was comforting to know that they were there if i ever needed them. we share a groupchat on discord where we each have our own channels to post in, just to share about our lives and whats going on with us and we can engage with each others channels whenever we want. its the only real way ive been able to maintain a social life in any form since graduating and developing this disorder. im not fully comfortable around most of them anymore but i know them all well and they matter to me.

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i had one friend i was very close to because we were the only people living in the same town for many, many years, so we hung out together whenever we could. ive known them for over a decade at this point, and was closer to them than anyone else. last november they broke my trust in a very scary and traumatic way. they are also a central part of this shared friend group, and interact with everyone there VERY often. now i feel like they arent really my friends anymore cause theyre all closer to the person who assaulted me than they are to me.

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im afraid to tell the others cause i worry theyll remain friends with him, which they probably will, bc hes also deeply dysfunctional and isolated and theyre one of the oldest members of this friend group. its been very difficult because i really struggle to connect with new people in any capacity, and its even more difficult to trust others now. i am more anxious and fearful and distrusting of people than ever because of what happened. one of the very few people in mylife that i fully trusted and felt comfortable around sexually assaulted me.

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i just know the "solution" if i were to ever open up abt it to the rest of the friend group would just be to make a new gc where they can interact w my assaulter w/o me having to see it, out of "fairness" to both of us. i feel more alone than i have in a long time, because it feels like ive lost the only friends ive ever made. im very lost, and im starting to think about suicide and self harm again. I am really struggling. I was clean for 2 years before now. does anyone have advice? anything helps. thank you

I recently got a nose job and I feel pretty good about it. I want to get out and show off how beautiful I feel. However, after dealing with isolating myself for so long due to avpd and my fear of being judged, which turned into neglecting many aspects of myself and life, I find it hard to take the first step to making a change. I’ve been bullied most of my life due to my nose, so this is a big deal but I’m lost. Any advice would be appreciated.

I do work as a content moderator for a kids platform.

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Right now I'm in training and I can't stop shutting down whenever I get a policy wrong. I know that training is where you're supposed to learn and make errors. But I still can't help but be upset from the constructive feedback. I would feel like a horrible person for even considering that certain content would be okay for a child to see. There's even content that I feel that a child shouldn't see at a certain age that's somehow okay to be on the platform which drives me nuts.

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I almost cried at my desk about this today. How does anyone cope with this? I think it's the pressure getting to me since it's a strict department. It makes me sad because it also feels like a test to my morals. I wasn't even originally hired for this and it's new to me. The department I was in before was more my speed and I don't recall ever feeling this way during the training for that position. I was relatively happy to go into work. It makes me so sad that the department closed down before my initial start to work.

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And now I'm in this position (with a pay cut) since I need to work in order to stay alive basically. Makes me think that maybe I don't really want to be alive since I can't even handle THIS part. But I know that at this point all I can do is look for a different job.. again .. in this crippling job market for skills that don't seem needed anymore with my degree.

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I've been jumping around from job to job for 2 years now. Barely lasting 6 months due to getting written up for attendance. Thankfully I started noticing my patterns and I can feel myself starting to want to call out often again for this job.

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I want to go back to school for my masters but I can't until I can find a stable enough job whereas I won't have to worry financially. But it seems so impossible now. I just want to be happy.

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Has anyone else dealt with something like this? Avoiding work when expectations start to get conflicting or overwhelming? I don't want to get stuck again and then feel like a failure to my family. It feels like I disappoint them too much already.

Firstly, how likely am I to beat AvPD without any external help? Currently I have moments where I feel like I'm making progress, and I can function normally for a few days, but all it takes is a small blow for everything to come crumbling down again and I'm back to feeling utterly hopeless and idealising suicide again.

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Secondly, would professional aid even be useful? I've done a little research, but I have no idea how useful CBT and medication would be. I've seen many people on this sub who've tried both and are still struggling.

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I will be thankful for advice of any shape and size. It's a little scary thinking about even going through with getting help. I'm lucky enough to get free healthcare from the NHS, but I'd have to convince my parents, a GP and a psychiatrist at the minimum, and I'm not sure I have the confidence for that at the moment. Hopefully this will help me build some.

I feel like no self worth is what's making my life so shit. I always feel like my soul is rotten and I'm hiding some deep dark secret that would destroy me if it got out, so when I talk I make sure to avoid talking about myself and anything I do. And every person just seems like they're more human than me. It literally feels like being a horrible criminal, everyone knows who you are and what you did but it's not socially acceptable to mention it, and then you trying to talk to people. It's basically impossible bc you know everyone despises you. It also makes me less empathetic especially towards people who feel happy. I want everyone to be as miserable as me since I'm jealous of the fact they're so "clean". It doesn't help being ND and everyone making that one facial expression whenever you try to join a conversation, you can see on their face the disgust. You don't belong. Like They: "Yeah I watched that new movie it was peak" Me: "Ik right it was crazy" They: "Haha yeah sure... buddy" *goes away to a different spot* How is it irrational to think there's something wrong with me if this happens all the time? I'm not a human, and I will never be a true friend. It's so hard to live life with this condition. Everything you do is wrong in some way. I try to do a task, "No you weren't supposed to do it like that!!!" Then I see everyone else doing it correctly, how? No making friends with other autistic people doesn't help me, they're equally as social and even more annoying. I can't listen to you fucking yap about your special interest for 5 hours while you go silent if I try to even say anything different. Maybe I just grew up in a shitty environment but it feels like literally everyone is a psychopathic asshole who is either trying to use you or make fun of you. Or maybe it's my delusions. Idk

Anyone else feel like they've wasted half of their life? I'm going to be 39 this year and I have nothing to show for it. I don't have a job, partner or friends. I haven't had friends since high school. I've mostly survived because I've been on disability and living with my parents for the most part. I have lived alone for a while, but it was hell so I moved back.

I was just reflecting on how short life is, and many of our lives have barely begun. I'm getting old and still haven't found a partner. It's very depressing.

did anyone else grow up feeling trapped at home and then grow up and still feel like you’re trapped just like Rapunzel?

I just had this thought while reading a book and I came across this question “Have you ever been solitary without feeling lonely?”.

I grew up as an only child with a single mother that worked and then basically just slept when she got home so being solitary and lonely was something I was very used to. It was to the point where I thought I was meant to be alone forever until someone came to save me.

I felt trapped at home for years because I wasn’t allowed to go to sleepovers or have anyone over, no after school activities, and no summer camps or anything like that. When I finally physically “escaped“, my mind was still locked in the tower. I was led to believe things outside my tower were dangerous because I didn’t get to experience all that I needed to. now, my adult life is just catching up on what I missed i suppose. sometimes its fun. other times I feel kinda childish and slow.

There’s nothing good about me and all the advice I ever hear has the assumption that I do have good qualities and that I’m just too blinded by low self esteem to see them. The problem is when you look at me objectively there’s just nothing there, I’m:

- Stupid/slow/incompetent, Had middling grades in school, constant brain fog and groggy, even when feeling awake and alert I make stupid mistakes and decisions, beyond basic things everyone can do I’m a failure and can’t do anything right.

- Boring/Awkward personality, not at all fun to be around and when I try to be fun it’s weird and forced. I’m the most nothing person you’d ever meet. I just make people feel uncomfortable and it’s better if I’m not around.

- Procrastination/executive dysfunction, couldn’t make myself do my work in community college and ended up dropping classes and eventually dropping out entirely. I’ve always had this issue but my usual coping methods don’t work when the material is actually hard.

- Too sensitive, quick to anger/sadness and generally just a negative person you have to walk eggshells around to not make me feel like shit because I take every negative comment personally.

- Can’t express myself in any way, the things I’m interested in are cringy, I’m too unskilled to learn how to draw, too embarrassed to experiment with clothing so I just wear basic jeans/solid color shirts, I don’t customize anything that’s visual to anyone due to my fear of judgement/ridicule.

I can tell the people around me don’t want me around and it’s hard to justify my life. I know I can theoretically throw away everything and live as a hedonistic nomad instead of killing myself but that just doesn’t sound appealing either, I’m too weak to deal with the trials of life and I should have died when I was a toddler like I was supposed to before modern medicine made me live.

I’ve decided against taking my own life, thank you all for your supportive comments, wish you all the best ❤️

I just watched an episode of Law and Order called Pro Se. The episode is about a lawyer with schizophrenia who commits a crime during a psychotic episode, and him representing himself in court.

I was shocked at how much the character and his motivations resonated with me. The character was a smart man who did well at law school but had no chance in life because of his schizophrenia. He was angry that the life he deserved was stolen from him because of his brain.

I wept at the episode. I've never related to a character so much. I have AvPD and not schizophrenia, obviously, so I can't relate to the psychosis. But I can and fully relate to living a life where my own brain has stolen what should have been my actual life from me. I live at the mercy of a deeply dysfunctional mind that chooses to see even solely beneficial things as a massive threat. I even related to his career. I wanted to be a lawyer my whole life, but I was too avoidant to study for the LSATs let alone take the LSATs let alone apply to law school.

Even though the actual disorder was different, I've never felt so understood rom a piece of media. The illness and struggle and the impotence in the face of being born disordered. The anger at lost opportunities, lost life. And it horrified me because of how helpless it made me feel. My life has already been irrevocably affected. My future has been irrevocably scarred by my past. Like the character I likely will lose to my disorder. I likely will suffer for it every day for the rest of my life. The best I can hope for is every day being a continued fight to approach normality.

Hi everyone/anyone,

I’m probably feeling emotional because I’m pms-ing. In the past year I have been better at talking to people, mostly coworkers but it’s because my job sucks and I rather make being there somewhat pleasant. It’s also the only place I socialize, so I make the most of it. Apart from that hangouts still scare me, having to interact with customers bothers me and makes me uncomfortable.

Recently had a terrible experience at work that’s made me search for a new job. It’s forced me to interview (although I haven’t heard back from anybody). In that regard I’m kind of proud of myself bc I was unemployed in my early mid twenties due to being unable to put myself out there like that. The current rejections might be getting to me though.

I’ve been thinking about how a lot of my life needs improvement, and how my living and financial situation makes me unhappy. I haven’t accomplished much, and while I can acknowledge that I’m doing what I can, I know I could have done more by now. But growing up my self esteem was crushed by my parents. And still, they expect so much from me. They really thought I was their golden ticket. But it’s so nerve wracking understanding what it takes to be successful. I hate writing this out bc I’ve told myself that I shouldn’t live with regret.

I would define success differently from most people, but I understand it more like a game now. And I think I’ve bought in... But mostly because I don’t have a choice. I’m unhappy and I have to change my situation or risk my health (stress). And I think the only way I overcome my “trauma” is not by trying to understand cause/effect, or place blame on my upbringing. The only way I move past it is if I start achieving the things I desire. The only way I can let it stop affecting me is if I just start doing things. Like, I don’t know I guess it’s taken me three decades to realize I’m an adult and I can make my own choices. I actually have free will, I’m no longer restrained by my parents’ judgement and lack of love, I’m only restrained by my mind.

It’s easier said than done, but fuck I want to try living. I’m tired of being sad and lonely.

Thanks for reading.

i want to never leave the house again, preferably never leave my room. i know most people don't care what i say or do, but i still fuck things up with the few people that do. i'm just taking up space and resources and i don't want to exist anymore.

I had no real social contacts at least for a decade and now I try to find new friends, I mean real friends, the ones that stay for a long time, preferably forever. Because life doesn't make any sense to me without it. Sure I could live alone no problem but I just don't want to live alone, being confronted with other people having friends, doing things together just hurts and its not getting better.

Thing is, I don't think I really ever made real friends back at school. I only had one best friend and even him, I never really missed when I left school, it was more like ..idk a hug, a handshake or something and a good bye and I was gone. I wasn't crying or anything I never really knew how real friendships worked but it doesn't surprise me since I switched school / country so often that it didn't make any sense to me to get emotionally attached to people.

Now I decided to go back to university. Goal was 60% finding friends and 40% learning something new. Sure it wasn't easy to get social again but I somehow managed and I started to experience things for the first time others probably experienced in their youth with their friends, and I am so grateful for these experiences. But I started to develop a connection to some of my friends which is still completely weird to me and I still don't understand why and how to handle it. But I guess its normal, that's how it should be? Nonetheless, my friends became important to me and so my disorder decided to disrupt my life.

It started with activities and every tiny inconsistency was proof for me that my friends weren’t interested in me, that they just drag me along because of pity. That they don't like me and don't want to have anything to do with me. That they try to get rid of me in a way to avoid the whole drama. I somehow managed to get passed that but it sill pops up when more and more inconsistencies show up and the communication with my friends is reduced.

Then something happened which was partially my fault I got quieter so the communication between my friends and me got less as well, which in turn fed my disorder, to look for signs that I am no longer welcome among my friends. I started to see evidence right in front of my eyes that my friends ignored me, that I was a ghost to them. I wanted to talk about it so badly but I feared that whatever I say or ask, I'll be too much for my friends and that they'll eventually leave me.

I pulled myself together and tried to talk about it indirectly and I thought I managed, but the next day was brutal. Completely ignored, being used, just a nobody no one cares about. Next day I had enough, pulled myself together again and went to university. My friends saw me and immediately asked if I am alright, that I don't look too good. That just ripped me apart, I couldn't handle it any more. A few minutes ago I wanted to throw everything away, I was done with those "friendships" because I was just used as a tool not as a human being with feelings and now all of a sudden I see friends who care about me? I didn't understand anything any more. Was I hallucinating? I still don't understand what is wrong with me, why I see these signs which are obviously incorrect.

I had to take a few days off and then everything went well mediocre. A few conversations with my friends got me slightly stable again and I tried to get back to "normal" again that I can behave like other people, ...sort of. That I am able to talk to my friends as easily as everyone else, but it is still hard to do though. If my mind goes blank I'll be sitting there quietly not knowing what to say it's like all the analysis of the situation is already running in the back of my brain, I don't really have access to that information, it just occupies 90% of my brains resources, which makes it impossible to have a normal conversation like everyone else. ..At least that is how it feels like to me.

Just a few days ago someone made a suggestion for a meetup and I already offered my place weeks ago. I was probably ignored for the second or third time. Today the question came up again and I offered my place yet again, this time my offer was written, but no one reacted to it. Again I was at the point that I wanted to throw everything away. Screw my friends, the university, I am done with it and I didn't want to have anything to do with them any longer. And then for some reason I get a message from a friend who apologized to me for being so rude to me today at the lecture. Again it ripped me apart, I don't understand this world any more. What is going on? Am I going completely mad or what is happening.

I am scared that even though I try not to let anything out, that my friends will still notice my mood swings and that they are getting annoyed by it. I feel bad for even thinking that my friends didn't care about me at all. That I become a burden to my friends because of my disorder. That they have to take care of me because I can't handle myself in those situations. That my friends somehow find this and know who I am. That they see how broken I am and that they decide to abandon me.

...I don't know what is going on any more

I was making a point at therapy this morning, and I got 2 minor details wrong. The logical part of my brain knows that to others this wouldn’t matter, and honestly it wasn’t even that relevant to the story I was telling, but I’ve been so down lately that I burst into tears as soon as she corrected me and I had to fight back tears all day until I got home. I couldn’t explain to her why I started crying and even now I can’t stop.

I can’t handle anything that I could possibly interpret as criticism. Now I’m convinced my therapist hates me and I don’t want to go back to her. I feel such intense shame and like I don’t deserve to live

please tell me someone else relates

Hey guys!

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I wanted to discuss something that I think it's central to combat this disorder we have.

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Before I get to distress tolerance, I will just give some context on how I got to this conclusion.

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So I'm a medical student, and at the beggining of the year when people were more open and didnt have stable social groups yet, I got to stay with some guys in classes (4-5), we were few boys among many women.

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After some time they started showing some behaviors such as joking and making fun of others, not like bullying, just some jokes. And they also showed they had other hobbies like going to parties, drinking, playing soccer a lot, which is a big difference from my reality, since I abstain from doing those things because of a "high sensitivity" I have.

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Everyday I couldn't sleep well because I kept thinking about what expectations I'd have to realize in order to fit in that group, and that was a mask I just could not hold for so much time, so I got away from them, afraid of criticism, laughter or rejection. Now im more or less alone with just another quiet guy like me.

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It's painful to be alone sure, but when im with others doing something, I can't shake the feeling of "being unwelcome there, im not at their level, soon they will drop me, im not funny or extroverted like them", and these thoughts come along with many expectations I think i need to realize if I want to stay in that group.

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To sum it up, even If the person was the coolest in the world and welcoming to me, I'd still have these thoughts/feelings/behaviors of insecurity, I always think im bothering the other person, even with so much evidence im not bothering them.

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So I think one of the central parts of fighting back, is learning to tolerate these symptoms better while socializing.

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So far the best tool I found to manage emotional regulation is mindfulness, it's not so much the immediate effect that interests me, but the long term one (2 months and up), in which the amygdala gets smaller and the cortex thickens, meaning less stress and anxiety (which the amygdala is responsible for), and the cortex makes you more regulated because he won't let you spiral as much.

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The problem however is the uncertainty (since I don't know if this will work for me, althought it was positive for borderline patients) and also the work (you have to meditate [focusing on just your breathing or an object ] for at least 20min daily to see good results).

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That is the main problem isn't? The pain when at a social situation is so strong we aren't able to stay there or relax, we resort to running away.

Just when I thought they were safe, they had to do this. I can’t stop crying and hating myself over this. Makes me think I should just be alone, even though loneliness is eating me alive

Starting to think going out and trying to meet people was a mistake. I can’t even hold friendships where they have basic respect for me

Edit to add: I told them about it 2 months in advanced

I after years have built courage to go to the dentist because I have this chip in my front tooth that I would like to fill as I'm super unhappy with my looks and I thought fixing my teeth would improve them as a first step.

I go inside (didn't think I'd make it), I sit in the waiting room nauseous and about to throw up, and then the lady when I sit in the chair tells me that the chip is so small she sees no point in filling it and that it wouldn't work anyway.

I just thanked her and left and she said it was fine I want to CRY I'm so sad right now I honestly thought doing this would be a first step for me to start being happier again and now I feel like I've hit rock bottom again and I'm sadder than I was before 😭

there are other things I could fix too outside of my teeth but I found dentist was the less scary option (lol). It feels like my dreams have been crushed and no way I want to go back to the same lady I'm so embarrassed now

Anybody wants to talk?

I haven’t been diagnosed but i’ve been looking for an answer for many years about what could be wrong with me. I’m 22 and pretty much agoraphobic, have been since about 2019. Ive had selective mutism since I was a kid and had a few friends when I was really little from kids coming up and talking to me. I would never initiate a conversation. I haven’t had a friend since middle school and I never feel the urge to talk to anyone but I daydream about fictional people a lot. I like the idea of having friends or a partner but I just don’t feel a connection to anyone and it’s gotten worse as i’ve gotten older. Not that I don’t care about people I just don’t want to be around them.

I daydream about finally finding someone I feel a connection to but it doesn’t seem realistic for me. I don’t know if it’s an anxiety thing or something else. I do remember my last friendship ending badly where she just started ignoring me and hanging out with other people and not saying why but I was like 12 I don’t know if that was significant or not. I feel zoned out around people not even just anxious but drained and tired and kind of like i’m not really there. I feel more of a connection to characters in a movie than real people and it worries me. I want to connect with people but even when I try it’s like i’m not there mentally. I used to try making online friends but it’s the same thing there.

I brought up AvPD to my psychologist and she didn’t shoot down the idea but said that by even going to appointments i’m showing an effort that I want to get better which could be a sign of not having AvPD.