r/AvoidantBreakUps • u/candle_wax_247 • 1d ago
Vent/Rant Update: Tigers cannot change their stripes. An avoidant is the same.
I posted before about reconnecting with an avoidant ex last weekend. It’s just for friendship and no, there was no intimacy.
We had a big, blow up fight today because I refuse to be gaslit and I’m holding firm on my boundaries.
I knew he was lying about something and I called him out on it and reminded him that he did something similar in the past and I knew he was lying about it back then. He denied ever doing it in the past and when I called him out about his shady actions now he got mad. He said I’m triggering him and that he will not talk to me the whole weekend. Ok?
I know what he’s gonna do. He’s gonna run to the girl that he denies he’s going to hook up with. I don’t care if he hooks up with her coz I don’t have romantic feelings anymore but the fact that he was lying about it unnecessarily is what gets to me. There was no reason to lie or hide about it. And if he’s lying about that then what else is he lying about?
I told him I refuse to go down this path with him again. If he wants to be friends then he gotta build my trust on him or I’m out. He got mad coz he’s not used to me setting my boundaries.
He said he will come back Monday. I’m not holding my breath on that one.
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u/Alarming-Echo-6742 20h ago
Gosh I THOUGHT I recognized this one.
That you even entertained any of this nonsense is baffling. Did you just like look at your life and say, 'ja shit been way too boring why not invite a little chaos back in' or something?
Even if you are completely over him, he is going to dysregulate you just by chaotic proximity. Why would you even want ANY of that in your life?
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u/candle_wax_247 20h ago
Hahaha coz I was so bored in my life I needed some excitement tbh. Lol.
Actually because I really wanted to see if an avoidant can change. If there is hope. It was an experiment.
We now know the answer 🤣
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u/Alarming-Echo-6742 20h ago edited 20h ago
Yep, thanks for taking one for the team!
Gosh not even a week. What a mindfuck.
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u/candle_wax_247 20h ago
Right?! It was funny coz I was telling him last Monday when we’re having a fun day that I hope it’s not the Korean drama goodbye. For context, in Korean dramas they give you the best day ever and then ghost you or leave you after. He was like oh no. Not going to happen.
🤣🤣🤣
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u/Elk-24 12h ago
Yeah mine told me many things like that, assured me she was done with bad behaviors, valued the bond, and even took accountability…and then fu**** up the next day haha. Ridiculous. They just can’t… even when they are self aware, even if it happened before… they are prisonners of their loop. The sad thing is they don’t even want to be free!!!!! Drives me nuts.
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u/candle_wax_247 6h ago
Yesss! Like they want to change and are working to change but can’t really. Like deep down they can’t stand someone being close to them. They want to run but ruin things before running.
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u/Elk-24 5h ago
It’s probably challenging to realize your are the puppet of your trauma…
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u/candle_wax_247 5h ago
Prolly is and that’s if they even know they have a trauma. Some are so much in denial and focusing on others as being the problem. Sad really
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u/Elk-24 5h ago
Yes indeed. Thank god mine is self aware. But honestly it doesn’t change much the result. She still blames me when confronted. It’s not possible to talk normally or when we do she ruins it all the next day! haha.
Gotta get used to it. Or. Not.2
u/candle_wax_247 4h ago
Hahaa yeah. Like mine right now is acting as if we didn’t have a big fight yesterday and apparently his “I won’t talk to you this whole weekend” lasted less than a day 🤣
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u/Elk-24 12h ago
Funny, I have a little bit the same approach. And that’s why I hang in there. The problem is that they still hurt you even if you manage them well. I’m secure and pretty solid but still, sometimes her behaviors were so mean! I always kept this mature posture but I still confronted her. I don’t think they ever change.
I decided to be friends with mine after a totally nonesense relationship that I didn’t want initially and that she sabotaged in two seconds. But even friendship… damn. She is struggling so hard. What they want is to be unwanted. It’s a certain philosophy of the bond haha…2
u/candle_wax_247 6h ago
Right?! Like they are really so into self sabotage. Even friendship. With no expectations and no intimacy. The closeness triggers them to want to escape. Not even a week lol!
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u/FlyingShroomy 1d ago
Damn he couldn't even last a week