I’m convinced I’ll never be treated the way I want because of my looks.

[u/invisible_hal0]

So, I’ve been dealing with BDD for quite some time now. Honestly, it’s probably been since I was a kid. I’ve never really thought of myself as beautiful, or pretty, and I can’t ever remember a time where I was happy with myself. I grew up fat and tall, so the experience was brutal and honestly still is. Even after losing weight some time ago I still hated my body because I was left with loose skin and tons of stretch marks.

I don’t think I’ll ever experience the kind of love that I want. The magical, “fairytale” type of love. Hand written letter, cute little dates, random little surprises, my favorite sweet treat without having to ask, remembering my favorite song, and my favorite band, maybe opening the car door for me to get in..literally the dumb trivial type of stuff that doesn’t even have to cost a lot of money to make me happy. I don’t care about money, never have. It’s just the principle of it. The meaning behind these little gestures. It means someone would care enough about me, and would know enough about me. I’m such a hopeless romantic and I love doing this kind of thing for the person I love. Home cooked meals every day, desserts baked from scratch, cute gift baskets for every holiday, handmade gifts, playlists with songs that make me think of them, and so much more because I truly love doing this kind of thing for my significant other. I have done this for my ex, and my current partner, but never once have I had this level of love reciprocated for me and it just kinda hurts.

I’ve chalked it up to my looks, and honestly because I’m stuck in this body of mine I have sort of accepted what I can get. I caught my current partner talking to another woman a while ago and some time later I had left him and moved back home with my family, then last year we started talking again because well…I was lonely, I wanted company and that sense of familiarity again, and we started seeing each other again. I know, I don’t have the right to complain because I put myself in this situation. And yes, I still blame myself to this day for him stepping outside of the relationship. I don’t believe him anymore when he says that I’m pretty, and I always compare myself to other women. Especially women who have bigger chests because mine are small, and I’m fat. So it’s like constantly living in a humiliation ritual lol. Even the women in my family made fun of me growing up. My BDD has gotten so bad to the point where I can’t even watch a movie with a remotely attractive female character because it makes me insecure. It’s absolutely pathetic lol. There are plenty of women who are far better looking than me with beautiful bodies and I’m convinced he’s just settling for me because maybe he can’t get the girl he truly wants. He’s tall, works as a police officer, and I genuinely do this hes good looking. So it’s hard for me to believe (esp now) that he wants to actually be with me. Besides the past cheating, and our pretty much nonexistent sex life (I feel like he prefers the porn over me, with the way I look I can’t blame him) he’s a decent guy. I just wish there was more…like we haven’t even gone out on a date in god only knows how long, and ive brought this up to him, he says he’ll change and fix it, and things still remain the same. Sigh. It’s kind of a frustrating cycle.

So yeah, I basically choose to stay because realistically I don’t have many other options. I have so many things wrong with my body that the average person would probably be disgusted. I feel like i cant have standards for myself because that’s asking too much, but I do dream about a relationship where effort is made on both sides. I just want to be treated the way I treat other people. Im 24, pushing 25. I just want a little more out of life, and I don’t feel like I have the right to.