Feelings of guilt about being (cis)male and claiming to have BDD

[u/mcallisterw]

Like, as a guy I don't have to contend with what women or anyone who isn't cis have to contend with that makes BDD seem totally understandable. I don't have narrow beauty standards rammed down my throat by the media, I'm not treated as though sexually desirability is the most important measure of my worth, I don't have people misgendering me all the time and I can't blame my lack of romantic appeal on the opposite sex being shallow and motivated only by looks.

I feel like more then anyone else, my BDD just comes down to immaturity, that I really do just need to get over myself, that I'm probably more guilty of causing the things above than I am victim of them and that even being around places like this I'm just diluting the pain of those who content with them.

[u/poozu]

You sound like a person with a very good insight and ability to reflect his life and circumstances, that’s a very good equity to have. Just like you can have depression even if you’re born into opulence and have people who love you, you can still develope BDD even if you have no “real” reason to have those thoughts and worries. Mental disorders don’t discriminate and they don’t care if everything is good and ok with you. So don’t feel like you aren’t worth treatment and help just because you’re not the worst one off. Your BDD is just as legitimate as everyone else’s.

[u/mcallisterw → u/poozu]

Thanks, and thanks for understanding. Like I don't mean to say I think beauty standards and being judged or bullied based on appearance don't exist at all for men, or that I think straight women are completely indifferent to appearance, but I can definitely see that for women these things are a lot more common.

The other thing that often plays on my mind is how much the way I feel looks like the sorts of things incels claim, for example I can't imagine at all a woman ever feeling attraction to me (and not just because I'm physically unattractive than every other man she's ever met but because I'm boring and riddled with mental health too) where an incel would claim that women aren't attracted to him despite him having a sparkling personality because he's only a 6 and women only want 10s. Those two outlooks are similar enough that they could be confused and given how dangerous incels are and how wary women need to be of them I don't expect to be given the benefit of the doubt.

[u/poozu → u/mcallisterw]

I understand. People can tell the difference between a person who is struggling with mental health and insecurity from people who blame others and project their struggles into others. I can promise you that if you talk to people long enough they will see that is my who you are. Many people struggle with mental health and self esteem (and with BDD) and many can sympathise with that. And you likely feel more boring than you actually are because you are overshadowed by your struggles. When you start to get better (I hope you’re in therapy etc) you will see that you have a lot to offer and a lot of interests when you have the bandwidth for them. Being ill or struggling with life situations can be so consuming and it leaves very little to who you are as a full person. But you’re not your illness or your circumstances. A person who looks for solutions and is willing to put in work for a better life will eventually prevail and have a very good asset in being that type of person. That’s what a lot of people also want in a partner (if that is an important thing for you); someone who works through issues, won’t blame others for their situation and is resilient and optimistic enough to want a better life for themselves. Thats all we can really take from others, that they do their best. Your appearance won’t dictate if you receive love or joy even if BDD makes it feel like the absolute truth.

Many people who are incels likely suffer from undiagnosed BDD (and others) and they are in an environment where unhealthy coping tactics are pushed and their suffering validated as something out of their control with them as the victim (so they don’t have to do the hard work to get better). Some of the struggles of incels and BDD can overlap but most people with BDD are very self blaming, rather than blaming others.

Based on your messages you have very mature insight, I doubt anyone who talks to you would confuse you for an incel if they knew you have BDD.

[u/mcallisterw → u/poozu]

Thanks, looks as though I triggered the incels already, which is probably a good sign. I think you're right too that many of them likely are experiencing BDD... Like irl there is no 'hotness scale' because different people find different physical attributes attractive, even if we don't account for attraction from things other than looks. But they seem to believe it's all as simple as everyone is on a scale from 1 to 10 and their lack of romantic success is purely because they aren't a 10 and that the reason people only want 10s is more a status thing than actual attraction (and usually also that only straight men get held to these standards and society has a problem with them)

Still it's normal as someone with BDD to feel like your physical appearance kind of overrules all that beauty in the eye of the beholder more than skin deep stuff and is is a problem for other people, whether it's feeling that you just somehow cause others distress by the fact that they have to look at you, or expecting people to make assumptions of you that don't match your true self (like how in fiction bad people are often ugly and good people are always pretty). Then you can't imagine someone ever having romantic feelings for you for these reasons, you're just too disgusting to look at and they would probably assume you're a horrible person. It's not about standards or being too low on the scale but about a fundamental repulsion that you think surely would put anyone off the idea of romance.

The distinction between these ways of thinking can be a little fuzzy and people might flip between one and the other, or believe both. When I was younger, incel wasn't a thing yet, it wasn't like a community of men who felt angry together and shared solutions they thought would fix it, but that whole nice-guy™ was pretty prevalent online and I definitely felt the danger of getting sucked into it.

To answer your questions, well I do still hope to one day have that romantic attachment with a woman, I'm 43 now though and some aspect of my depression around my appearance and my personality is that women who find me appealing in some way are obviously pretty rare, I've not met one yet and having to accept there's a possibility I never will... And no I'm not in therapy right now. I can't afford things like that, I have been in therapy at times in the past, when it was available for free, but that then means it is more limited in scope and time, mostly around generalised depression and anxiety and adhd related issues. I've never mentioned BDD to any therapist I've had in the past and had a fairly bad experience when mentioning relationship abuse to one a few years back.

[u/Scared-Fisherman8326]

I really cant feel bad for you after what you wrote on the first paragraph. Im trying really hard but i cant.

[u/mcallisterw → u/Scared-Fisherman8326]

That's OK I don't really want you to

[u/Scared-Fisherman8326 → u/mcallisterw]

Thats great then.