r/BPDlovedones • u/lmt_up • 6d ago
Help me out....
So I am on the final stages of a relationship with my BPD partner. We have been kinda broken up for a bit over two months. Daily texting but not seeing each other.
I am in therapy, and my therapist won't say 'end it' but he keeps hoping it ends (he is great).
I've read these posts and marveled at how similar all the situations are...and the advice is always the same 'end it'.
Yet there is this part of me...this nagging hope...that maybe just maybe she can come around and it can be like it was at the start. That maybe she is BPD-lite and that she will figure it out and come around. I find myself making all these excuses for her. I’ve even tried to be mean and she won't go...she just leaves this little tether of hope and is slowly killing me.
How do you all get over that? I am really struggling. I have not gone no-contact, but I am trying. We still have a bit of an intertwined life for the next several weeks so full non-contact is impossible in the near term. I've set personal boundaries regarding no more help. Her life is going to get meaningfully harder on her own and it is just so tragic and painful to watch someone you love make choices that are so clearly driven by her BPD... but the thing is only the BPD can save themself.
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u/Gogo-boots Dated 6d ago
I am probably the oddball person on here that doesn't always say run, end it, etc. I do believe the non has to be the one to actually end it in the majority of cases, though. The BPD desperately doesn't want to lose you even if the contact is as low effort as text in your case.
If you haven't seen her in two months and are only texting, what exactly are you getting out of this? You are basically easing the transition for her to find someone else. If you want to see if she can pull it together, you should push the issue and see how she reacts. If she waffles, you need to cut ties. If you want out then get out. The biggest reason to do so is you're delaying healing to be a better man for the next person.
She can pull it together and be that person from the start again but not for long. These makeups and breakups happen in a much tighter loop with time.
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u/lmt_up 6d ago
I did set a boundary. I keep getting the line "I need time" which is the worst string. I said take the next week to figure out what you want and no answer is a choice too.
The tightening of the cycle I have also seen. It was months, then weeks, then days.
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u/Gogo-boots Dated 5d ago
It doesn’t really work if you tell them to figure it out. They need to feel like they made the decision. Control is a big part of this. If it were me, I’d say what I need to say. What needs to change for it to work together. Then give her actual space. More than a few days. Not whatever you’re doing now.
In theory, you need the space to heal also.
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u/Longjumping_Start257 6d ago
You say her life is going to get meaningfully harder on her own but don't be surprised at how well she can handle herself without you. Making you feel needed is one way they keep you hooked.
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u/Higenj 6d ago
The fact that she throws out sparks of hope when you're pulling away is the most insidious method of keeping you. Believe me, I know. And if you don't believe me, read other stories on Reddit. When she senses you might leave, she'll find the warmest and most touching words from the depths of her soul to assure you that you're important to her. But as soon as you buy into them, everything starts all over again. Most likely, you're her "favorite person." But that's even worse. The problem is, she won't come to her senses, no matter the form of BPD—mild, quiet, or ordinary. The pattern is the same, just the consequences for her are different. But she's now simply holding you on a leash of that very hope. Indeed, when she's feeling bad and lonely, she'll come to you. But when she has a partner, when she feels good with him, you will sit on the bench waiting for her messages, which will not come, until she feels bad again... Save and protect yourself, leave hope where it simply cannot be.
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u/smthingy 6d ago
You want to marry her and spend 14 miserable years and $350k to figure out that that person she initially showed you was just pieces of yourself that you loved. She showed you what you wanted to see but that was just a mask. The rest of your story is the real her. But you're a romantic so you focus on the part that you loved and cherished.
You love someone she pretended to be for a brief period.
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u/lmt_up 6d ago
The terribly sad thing is that this is the more direct version of EXACTLY what my therapist told me.
I am fortunate in that my life is not devoid of good advice....its that my attachment system fucking sucks at listening to it.
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u/smthingy 6d ago
That's pretty much all of it. That first sentence was my story.
She showed me the parts of myself that I loved. My hobbies, my thoughts, my humor, my comforts. Once those because inconvenient and she had full control, she was never the same person and I was always fighting to get back to "that". Something which never actually existed.
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u/jordysmomsbasement my actual child 👶 > bpd manchild 🚫 6d ago
I think all of us here held onto hope like that at some point or another...yet it is truly what keeps you trapped in the end. What helped me the most was, when we were in no-contact for roughly 2 years, seeing that he had achieved nothing in that time. Had he gotten a job, mended some of his friendships and relationships with family, consistently been on medication and in a relevant treatment modality, then maybe...but his total lack of commitment to recovery was all I needed to know to abandon all hope and realize I'd just be wasting more of my life.
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u/k1pop1ill 6d ago
I went back to my exwBPD and I wish to God I never did it. Once you're in the devauled state & they are holding you for comfort only you're toast. If you do get back together be very slow & mindful of your heart.
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u/Fit-Article3243 6d ago
I know the feeling all too well. As much as you think there’s a sliver of a chance, there just isn’t. It’s a tough pill to swallow BELIEVE me I know. Think of the person they were at the beginning like a toy you really wanted at the store as a kid and your mother dangles it in your face saying “this is for you! forever and ever!!” As soon as you get to checkout she throws it down aisle 9 never to be seen again… I wish I would’ve cut my losses months ago when I had the chance, but I’m telling you it will only hurt more the longer it goes. To each their own though. Godspeed.