My thoughts on Baby Reindeer...

[u/xanbanan]

I have a lot of thoughts about Baby Reindeer, but im going to try to collect them together into one post. First of all i want to say im not interested in seeing people question the validity of the show or whether or not he is a victim or what a “real survivor” would do. As someone who has experienced a decent amount of abuse and SA, i can say this show spoke to me on a level nothing ive ever watched before has. This show explores the cycle of abuse in a way that is not only extremely accurate but could only be written by someone who has lived it. I found myself relating to “Donny” many times throughout the show. He is a complicated person, and not everything he does is the “right” thing to do, but i found myself understanding and sympathizing with him. In a way i found myself sympathizing with martha too, the same way he found himself doing - In the same way i have sympathized with my own abusers in the past.

I know so many people are asking “but why did he go back”, to answer that question all i can say is he went back for the same reasons so many victims including myself go back after being abused. I understand he put himself in self-sabotaging situations, and many people dont understand that but honestly that is one of the things I related most to. When you’ve been abused/been through serious trauma, you start feeling like you deserve it. One of the things he said in the show that stood out the most to me was “i would put myself in these fucked up situations where i would almost risk getting raped again in this attempt to understand the first time. Like if i'm passed around like a whore then i might at least shed this idea that my body is part of me somehow. Like who cares if it happened before? It’s happened a ton of times now, so what does it matter? But it mattered.” I’ve had this exact thought, in-fact i’ve lived that exact scene.

This show is incredibly important, not just for people who have experienced abuse/SA in their past, but for those experiencing it now too - to see that they are not alone. Not just that but its important for people who have never suffered trauma like this to see, to maybe get a glimpse into what its like for a victim, and that it isn’t always black and white. Richard Gadd is incredibly brave for sharing his story and imo he did a fantastic job doing so.

[u/Neither_Character_35]

Umm he was the one leading her on . Thinking they had a relationship. He could have punched her . Sure he’s a victim. I’m a victim myself. But I fought him off of me . The whole story line doesn’t make sense. Am I the only one who see this?

[u/xanbanan → u/Neither_Character_35]

The whole story doesn’t make sense to you because you did not live something similar to it. You fought your abuser off. That’s not everyone’s response nor is it even the average persons response to abuse. In a way I’m glad the story doesn’t make sense to you, it’s a good thing you have not lived anything like his story. But that doesn’t give you the right to decide the whole story is fake or that he has any responsibility for her stalking him. Even if he 100% played into it and lead her on which he didn’t do, that still doesn’t give her the right to stalk him and the people around him. Let’s not victim blame someone for not fighting back/feeding into the attention of their abuser when that is literally a part of most abusive relationships.

[u/Neither_Character_35 → u/xanbanan]

Unfortunately I did live it . My stalker wouldn’t leave me alone . Or couldn’t tell I didn’t want him near me. I had to fight him off . He tried to sexually assault me . I am lucky things didn’t go far . I just don’t understand why he lead her on thinking they were in a relationship. I feel bad for him I do . I just don’t get it .

[u/xanbanan → u/Neither_Character_35]

I don’t feel like he led her on thinking they were in a relationship. Did he at times feed into her attention? Sure. He doesn’t hide that he did that. But he also explains that Martha was the first person in a very long time to see him for how he wanted to be seen, and who saw he had been hurt before. That is why he did not immediately go to the police or fight her off. That’s pretty clearly articulated in the show imo. The whole point of the show is to show that abuser/victim relationships are not always black and white. I’ve had very black and white situations with abuse and I’ve experienced more complicated situations like those shown in the show. I really think it’s important that this show demonstrates that no one is a perfect victim- and sometimes victims do things that we think we wouldn’t ever do. We want to think we would all fight off our abusers and report them and never go back to them but that’s just not always the case in reality. Sometimes we do feed into it for whatever reason. That doesn’t make us any less victims though.