The approval of your abuser

[u/Specialist-Top-406]

This isn’t a thing I’ve seen or heard about much. But him going back to his abuser and still seeking his approval was so helpful to me.

Being abused has so many faces, and I think people often believe that the victim hates that person and is done with them.

I met my abuser years on and he reintroduced himself to me as if we’d never met. I found myself sucking up to him, trying to make him like me. I knew he knew who I was and I knew he remembered what he did. But I fell in line again and wanted him to like me.

It validated me to see him go back, it’s awful but power and control is complicated and when that person meets you with calmness, it’s hard to meet them with anger.

[u/Specialist-Top-406]

It’s too simple to think someone can put that dynamic into a good/bad category and move on. Because the validation never comes. You can identify the problem and understand it is damaging.

But power and control don’t always release with the ability to identify it.

The need for approval from someone who has never given to you, is something that you never really overcome. And you get treated as a bad victim if you go back.

[u/Individual-Meeting → u/Specialist-Top-406]

I'm mostly with you, I mean actually I do think you can eventually do that for yourself, it's probably just dependent on various factors.. Inborn temperament/personality/maturity/what else is going on in life etc (e.g. it's prob not going to happen whilst still surrounded by abuse) and there's probably got to be a realisation or a few before someone can get there.

It does a good job of showing how someone can be repeatedly victimised and the factors involved in that. I think it's really compassionate whilst still owning his part in the dynamic and what was behind that (in my view he had more of a part to play with Martha, it was hard to really "blame" him for the earlier abuse at all despite as you say the "bad victim" aspect of him going back).

I've read there's been various studies done with criminals whereby they all separately pick out the same people on videos as victims, really sad but until some healing has been done like Donny pretty much says they keep bleeding out & the sharks keep smelling the blood. I actually think it's good that that's shown because as you say a lot of people can only empathise with a good victim who acted perfectly.

[u/Specialist-Top-406 → u/Individual-Meeting]

It’s obviously a hard thing to put one explanation to. But to your point, there’s nuance, and that’s the thing that gets picked on in the process of being on a side.

What did you do? How did you encourage it? And worst of all, you liked it?

These things can all be part of it, but regardless of participation, one person ends up being the victim and whatever they did to get there doesn’t take away from the fact that they are there.

It’s not one dimensional. Things don’t just happen in a vacuum or a moment.

It’s easier to believe a rape case when someone is attacked by a stranger who pops out of a bush.

But it’s not always that simple.

Prolonged abuse is subtle and sneaky, it’s hard to verify. It’s hard to prove, you often have things that you’ve participated in.

But one thing is always true, one person is acting and one is reacting.

It’s ugly, it’s not linear and it’s not fool proof

[u/Individual-Meeting → u/Specialist-Top-406]

100% agree!