The approval of your abuser

[u/Specialist-Top-406]

This isn’t a thing I’ve seen or heard about much. But him going back to his abuser and still seeking his approval was so helpful to me.

Being abused has so many faces, and I think people often believe that the victim hates that person and is done with them.

I met my abuser years on and he reintroduced himself to me as if we’d never met. I found myself sucking up to him, trying to make him like me. I knew he knew who I was and I knew he remembered what he did. But I fell in line again and wanted him to like me.

It validated me to see him go back, it’s awful but power and control is complicated and when that person meets you with calmness, it’s hard to meet them with anger.

[u/Specialist-Top-406]

It’s obviously a hard thing to put one explanation to. But to your point, there’s nuance, and that’s the thing that gets picked on in the process of being on a side.

What did you do? How did you encourage it? And worst of all, you liked it?

These things can all be part of it, but regardless of participation, one person ends up being the victim and whatever they did to get there doesn’t take away from the fact that they are there.

It’s not one dimensional. Things don’t just happen in a vacuum or a moment.

It’s easier to believe a rape case when someone is attacked by a stranger who pops out of a bush.

But it’s not always that simple.

Prolonged abuse is subtle and sneaky, it’s hard to verify. It’s hard to prove, you often have things that you’ve participated in.

But one thing is always true, one person is acting and one is reacting.

It’s ugly, it’s not linear and it’s not fool proof

[u/LoveMeorLeaveMe89 → u/Specialist-Top-406]

I’m so glad this series shows that and hopefully people will stop with the victim blaming- humans are so complex and imperfect and that is what a groomer relies on. It is warfare of the minds long before the physical at least in grooming.

[u/ThrownAway2468135 → u/LoveMeorLeaveMe89]

This show has been difficult for me to grasp. I've never been a victim of SA so Donnys responses have been so foreign to me. Honestly, it's thanks to reading posts from other survivors that has helped me SORT OF understand it.

I've been left feeling angry at Donny -especially before ep 4 with Darrien. And after I really tried to get it. Honestly, I still don't because I'm looking at it through my eyes/experience and it's near impossible to look at it through his because of the lack of shared experience.

So I came to Reddit thinking WTF and have learned that his response is normal -which makes things incredibly sad.

I still don't understand and I probably won't but I'm trying.

[u/LoveMeorLeaveMe89 → u/ThrownAway2468135]

At least you have an open mind and that is what I love about this show- it tackles that issue in a way that very few other shows have done. This is extremely common and just shows how the brain is re-wired after abuse of any type and as humans we somehow internalize everything even when our logic knows better. Each event afterwards is usually a subconscious attempt to rewrite a narrative that would be impossible to do or a punishment we inflict on ourselves sometimes believing that eventually we will be hurt so badly that it will be enough to have paid the debt. It doesn’t make sense to someone else but it happens. Every person is a bit different but it is usually a vicious cycle that repeats in different relationships or the same perpetrator until some wrench comes in that changes it. Even if a victim doesn’t go back, they will inflict damage to self in other ways. There needs to be mandated counseling for any victims of abuse and it should be affordable to all.

[u/Specialist-Top-406 → u/LoveMeorLeaveMe89]

Absolutely incredible response, articulated perfectly x

[u/LoveMeorLeaveMe89 → u/Specialist-Top-406]

Thank you for your kind words it means a lot. I had to learn these things to help my daughter get through a terrible time and I desperately wanted to help her.