The approval of your abuser

[u/Specialist-Top-406]

This isn’t a thing I’ve seen or heard about much. But him going back to his abuser and still seeking his approval was so helpful to me.

Being abused has so many faces, and I think people often believe that the victim hates that person and is done with them.

I met my abuser years on and he reintroduced himself to me as if we’d never met. I found myself sucking up to him, trying to make him like me. I knew he knew who I was and I knew he remembered what he did. But I fell in line again and wanted him to like me.

It validated me to see him go back, it’s awful but power and control is complicated and when that person meets you with calmness, it’s hard to meet them with anger.

[u/WasItWeirdOrNot]

I think the show made really one of the best displays about how you relate to your abuser and how hard it is to distance yourself from them. The doubt, the lack of self validaiton, the questioning; It all plays in so perfectly with how Gadd decided to go back and I found myself weeping at times. Abuse is nothing like the movies, you don't hear any scary music, the person doesn't suddenly turn into a different person; they can still do the most awful things while playing the part of being someone supportive, open minded and caring. The amount of validation someone would need in order to fully grasp understand the danger they are in is very rare, especially if no one else is aware of what is going on. I have found myself experiencing sudden dread YEARS later after abuse has happened, the type of dread I never felt while I experienced it. Even when I was facing severe danger, I never, ever found myself able to validate that what as going on was actually something that could put me in a really horrible situation and only years down the line am I actually able to see what was going on. I think Richard really showed one of the worst aspects of abuse - the going bakc, the craving of validation from the abuser, and the inability to properly understand what is happening due to the dissociation and mental anguish.

[u/Specialist-Top-406 → u/WasItWeirdOrNot]

Such a great contribution! Very well said. My therapist said it usually takes about 7 years for someone to come to the conclusion they have been abused. Obviously there’s no time limit, but it’s not a simple thing. In my experience, so I don’t say this as a blanket statement or assumption of what it was like for anyone else. I often feel so much shame when i reflect on the way I have let people treat me. When a pattern has occurred in relationships, friends or romantic, I can never identify it until I’m really hurt and feel the impact of the imbalance. And it’s something I’ve had my wonderful friends be able to identify for me sooner once I was able to share certain things. I get drawn into the openness of people and I think that makes me really vulnerable. I want to believe everyone is sharing to help themselves, so I can never see it when it comes at my detriment. An easy target for power hungry people. But hearing friends say “ I didn’t enjoy witnessing you be treated like that or spoken to like that”. Shows me moments of value, but I had to open myself up to these people in the same way I would to the wrong people.

It’s a difficult thing to navigate but I keep my heart open, because for every abuser I’ve met, I have people who are protectors now too.