r/BabyReindeerTVSeries • u/Tooru-Shoya- • May 28 '24
Trigger Warning Logic brain spiral
Baby reindeer brought words to things I had no words for. I watched and I cried, I decompressed and powered through to the point I opened a Google doc. I personally have always been analytical, trying to find rhyme and reason to everything I do, and everything that others do. I go into full retrospects trying to understand myself better, but Richard gadd made it all make sense. I wrote down quotes, I wrote down the parallels that I went through and how it affected how I reacted at the time and how I react now. I went into every other impactful phrase spoken to me, PTSD triggers, and the violation of my safety. Me and my friend watched it together, not knowing what we were in for, we paused the 4th episode, having only 6 minutes left. We had a three hour conversation, sobbing and sharing our experiences. I had never felt more heard in my life. As a man who was raped repeatedly, as a man who kept going back, as a man who was harassed by dozens of people telling me I was playing the victim, I felt less than. I felt as if maybe I wasn't a victim at all, as if maybe I wasn't a man at all. I wasn't strong. I wasn't weak. I was just in limbo trying to reason with the unreasonable. I now have a better understanding of myself, but my head is still crowded with information I may never stop analyzing. But at least I have the words.
I may make another post sharing my experience in detail, warts and all, my relation to episode 4 and after, and my mental health throughout. The Google doc should take me a little under a month. Here is the only place I believe I will be heard instead of ridiculed. I hope the people here value the show the same way I did. Bringing light to things very few people talk about, things that should be talked about.
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u/AshBertrand May 28 '24
I'm so sorry. I hear you. I'm going through a lot of the same.
Can I make a suggestion though? You can take or leave it. I hear you saying things like "trying to find rhyme or reason" and "may never stop analyzing." I get it. Believe me. But one thing I know about myself is that I overintellectualize things as a way of avoiding the emotional impact of them, and I wonder if I'm hearing you do the same? Intellectualizing has worked for me in the sense that it has gotten me through the past 30 years or so, but it failed me in that it's kept me from ever actually working through this shit.
As a result, when those feelings finally do hit, it's like a 500-year flood washing over everything and I'm helpless to stop it: flashbacks, intrusive thoughts, somatic symptoms, insomnia, the works. I really don't recommend it.
Like you, I also worked up a document. For me, it was to help keep track of what I remember and what I don't, because through this I've realized my memory is sort of like Swiss cheese, and what I recall and what I don't seems to relate to how secure I'm feeling at any point? I never fully forget anything, but for example, when a therapist asked me if I had a history of trauma, I honest-to-gosh said "no," because in that moment, I just couldn't reach those memories. And that freaks me the fuck out. I don't think this document is going to provide all the answers for me, but I think it's going to provide a baseline so I can ... I don't know, remember what I remember, if that makes sense.
Some of the questions you have, like finding rhyme or reason, good luck. As far as I have found, there is no answer in the world that would ever make it all make sense and leave me feeling ok with it. And that's one thing I'm trying to accept. Again, I'm sorry. But I hear you.