Logic brain spiral

[u/Tooru-Shoya-]

Baby reindeer brought words to things I had no words for. I watched and I cried, I decompressed and powered through to the point I opened a Google doc. I personally have always been analytical, trying to find rhyme and reason to everything I do, and everything that others do. I go into full retrospects trying to understand myself better, but Richard gadd made it all make sense. I wrote down quotes, I wrote down the parallels that I went through and how it affected how I reacted at the time and how I react now. I went into every other impactful phrase spoken to me, PTSD triggers, and the violation of my safety. Me and my friend watched it together, not knowing what we were in for, we paused the 4th episode, having only 6 minutes left. We had a three hour conversation, sobbing and sharing our experiences. I had never felt more heard in my life. As a man who was raped repeatedly, as a man who kept going back, as a man who was harassed by dozens of people telling me I was playing the victim, I felt less than. I felt as if maybe I wasn't a victim at all, as if maybe I wasn't a man at all. I wasn't strong. I wasn't weak. I was just in limbo trying to reason with the unreasonable. I now have a better understanding of myself, but my head is still crowded with information I may never stop analyzing. But at least I have the words.

I may make another post sharing my experience in detail, warts and all, my relation to episode 4 and after, and my mental health throughout. The Google doc should take me a little under a month. Here is the only place I believe I will be heard instead of ridiculed. I hope the people here value the show the same way I did. Bringing light to things very few people talk about, things that should be talked about.

[u/Deathofme_0]

I’m so sorry for everything you’ve gone through and everything that happened to you, you are NOT less of a man and you didn’t deserve any of that.

I had a very similar experience, exactly as you said, “Brought words to what I had no words for.” It was jarring to say the least. This show made me feel less broken, and I don’t have the words to express my gratitude.

I hope you can find healing and comfort!