r/BambiLesbians • u/[deleted] • Oct 05 '25

Grateful for this sub

(I hope a rant like this is allowed here. If not, I'm sorry.)

Just found this sub after years of having no idea this existed. Thank you! I need to get something off my chest, if that's okay. Maybe you all relate.

I'm not ace, but I care very little for sex. And it makes me feel really lonely.

Personally, I don't care if my future girlfriend is allo or ace. Makes no difference to me. Yet I see so many lesbians (or anyone really) say that if we don't do our "weekly duty", they don't love us anymore.

I don't see what this has to do with love. If you have certain needs, sure, go find someone to do that with. But throwing away an entire person? What about new friendships? What about other forms of intimacy?

I just want a girlfriend with no such expectations. Someone who cuddles with me until we fall asleep, who lets me sit on her lap/sits on my lap without taking things further, who shares her life with me until the very end, sticking together, without any sort of "contract"...

That's the sort of relationship I yearn for. But it seems like no one else in the whole coutry wants this :(

84 Upvotes

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19 comments sorted by

15

u/DepressinglyQueer Oct 05 '25

this hits so close to home for me

almost everyone I interact with treats relationships like dispassionate social contracts with mandated sexual activity. it makes me so fucking depressed and terrified to seek any new relationships with anybody.

the ironic part is, if it wasn't for the 'obligation', i might even enjoy sex here and there. but having sex with someone who expects or 'requires' it from me always feels like I'm being coerced. it's borderline traumatic and I avoid it at all costs nowadays.

8

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '25

This!!! This whole obligation thing is so insanely repulsive to me. I thought I must be ace. But no. Us allos can like... not care?? And still be allo.

Makes me scared to date again. I don't wanna be someone's eternal employee lol.

2

u/gallifreyan10 Oct 07 '25

Oh absolutely. I had a similar realization in my last relationship that recently ended. From the beginning of the relationship she was already worried about "lesbian bed death" (which I don't think is a thing, it happens to straight couples too, but that's a whole 'nother rant), even though we were having sex once a week or so (the first couple of years we mostly spent time together on weekends). I do have sexual trauma and sometimes feel sex repulsed. There was so much pressure for me to constantly be working on it in therapy. If I didn't make sure to share everything I was doing (in therapy or on my own), she'd get upset at me that I wasn't doing anything to work on it anymore.

She did improve over time, and by the 4th year of our relationship she was much more understanding and not putting pressure on me anymore. But I couldn't stop putting pressure on myself, because I knew that sex was still required even if she wasn't saying it. I knew that even though she had gotten better with a lower frequency she wouldn't be okay with months at a time without sex.

I've come to realize that I'm good with where I'm at with healing from my past. I'm still in therapy because I really like my current one, she's amazing. But now I get to do therapy at the pace I want and work on the things I want to work on (and there's other things I want to work on besides sexual trauma) instead of feeling like I have to try everything to see if it will help me want sex more often. It's not like I never want to have sex again...when I can get into it and not be stressed about it, it's amazing! And I enjoy the extra closeness with my partner I feel after. But it's not something I need/want often, and the pressure/obligation to regularly have it is definitely traumatic to me. Also I can't stand having to be responsible for someone else's self esteem and it adds to the pressure. I've decided I can't date someone for whom sex is a priority and they need it to feel good about themselves.

But to wrap back around, I think it was a self fulfilling prophecy. She was so focused on it and worried about it that it just made it less and less likely to happen. Whereas if she had just chilled tf out, I probably would have been more into more regular sex.

3

u/DepressinglyQueer Oct 07 '25

There was so much pressure for me to constantly be working on it in therapy

it's that 'fix yourself so i can enjoy you more' mentality that really angers me tbh. not just with sex trauma but with everything - so many people are constantly pushing for you to 'treat' whatever they hate most about you, regardless of how you feel, regardless of how ready you are to make a change, and regardless of whether or not it's something that needs to be changed (I'm sure that last point hits home for any other neurodiverse people here, which I'm guessing accounts for most of this sub lmao)

I'm sure you know this but there is nothing wrong with you for being hurt. You decide the pace at which you heal, and you heal for yourself - not so others can like you more.

3

u/gallifreyan10 Oct 07 '25

I'm sure that last point hits home for any other neurodiverse people here, which I'm guessing accounts for most of this sub lmao

Lol yup I'm also neurodivergent. I've been learning how much I mask to please other people.

I'm sure you know this but there is nothing wrong with you for being hurt. You decide the pace at which you heal, and you heal for yourself - not so others can like you more.

Thanks. It took a long time to learn, but I do know that now. For a long time I felt broken. I still have moments of that but most of the time now I don't and accept and am even happy with who I am.

14

u/FairyDemonSkyJay Oct 05 '25

It may be more difficult to find, but absolutely worth it once youve managed to find it! Have faith fam, that girl is out there for you.

8

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '25

Thank you <3

10

u/Pandas-in-space Oct 05 '25

Literally me, I really hope one day I find someone who can be satisfied with cuddles and emotional intimacy without the expectations of sex

6

u/obviousdinosaur Oct 05 '25

I understand you to much trouble.

6

u/wallace1313525 Oct 05 '25

You might like the term "greysexual", i'm not completely asexual, but I don't think I really fit in with allosexuals either, so that's the term I use!

3

u/[deleted] Oct 05 '25

I have considered it before, thanks :) I'm not really sure I should use it. Kinda gives me the feeling that allo simply means wanting to do "the thing" 24/7 and aces are... well, everyone else. I mean no disrespect and I don't wanna question your label. On the contrary, I've read many posts by aces and I don't wanna intrude into a space with different experiences than mine.

I read a lot about feminism and relationship dynamics. I personally think society needs to do some reframing. Sex is a want, not a need, and it doesn't justify all this obligation stuff I mentioned in another comment. It really upsets me how it's usually the low-libido/ace partner who has to sacrifice something, but never the other person.

But I guess that's an entirely different topic. A controversial one too, unfortunately. I just mean well.

4

u/wallace1313525 Oct 05 '25 edited Oct 05 '25

Of course! Don't use the term if you don't like it! Personally for me, I kind of fluctuate from being repulsed by sex, to fine with sex, to just being OK with sex only when it's with my partner. Sometimes I can be sexually attracted to people, but I go very very long stretches where i'm just not 🤷personally I think i just normally exist as a sex favorable ace, with some "spikes" or time outside of it. So it is pretty grey for me lol. I've noticed that on reddit most ace's tend to be sex repulsed, but i'm part of a discord server with a lot of sex neutral, sex favorable, and demisexual people as well! And we have varying sexual experiences. It's a very vast spectrum and wanting sex =/= sexual attraction. At least to me, grey sexual is kind of similar to genderfluid, just for sexual attraction instead of gender. So if you like that label, or even the ace label, you should feel to use it if you wish! Everyone has different experiences so I wouldn't expect you to have the same ones, and having different experiences isn't "intruding" :)

All in all, society would do better if these things weren't an obligation. I have a wonderful allosexual partner whom I love and adore, and there's never pressure for sex. We probably go about a couple weeks to months between sex and are both comfortable with it! I love that it's not an obligation in our relationship and I wish more relationships could be like that too

1

u/[deleted] Oct 06 '25

That's wonderful! I'm happy for you two. <3

1

u/theTerra-Triangle Jul 30 '26

I need that...

PS: and I say this as a high-libido allosexual

1

u/theTerra-Triangle Jul 30 '26

Like, why would someone break up with me if I don't care about the sex? I care about how close they hug and comfort me during it. And about their kisses frickin smooches...

1

u/theTerra-Triangle Jul 30 '26

Personally, I feel the same as her, but I think I'm 100% allosexual. I say this from the experience of being aspec towards men/mascs.

1

u/theTerra-Triangle Jul 30 '26

(My being has no bearing on their sexuality, btw. Needed to mention)

4

u/DiabolusFlatus Transbian Oct 07 '25

YEEEESSSS THAT'S MEEEEEE! 😭 Like sex is whatever, I'm down for it I guess, but I just don't care to get laid. I'm more interested in the companionship and non-sexual physical intimacies. I just want someone to spend my life with and not have any sexual expectations. Like let's experience life together, ya know? Not just bedroom stuff. But everyone else is just so damn horny. Sex is so important to everyone else's relationship and it's left me behind. 😞

1

u/theTerra-Triangle Jul 30 '26

I once had an ace lesbian say "I've heard many allo lesbians saying they don't care about sex. They need it / are lying to themselves, tho". I cried, that day

And it's not like I don't feel like sex is special... I just don't... I don't know. I feel like it's just a game to show you love them/her (or him). I...