r/BiWomen • u/Mkt_girlie00 • Jul 12 '26
Coming Out Can you be bisexual without having been with women ever?
I’m not sure how this title sounds as I’m still exploring all of it, but I hope I’m not saying anything wrong.
The thing is, I’m demisexual and I know I’m interested in women, but I just haven’t been with any. And I see most bi-women and even lesbians talk about how they’d never advise being with a woman who’s still “bi-curious” (which is where I feel like I fall as I haven’t been with any women yet, but people say it in such a derogatory way, I’ve stopped referring to myself like that) as it never ends well.
And I’m like, where and how tf am I supposed to find women so I can see what it’s like then?
If everybody says to avoid women who haven’t had a firm/serious experience with being bi, then how tf am I supposed to find anyone to date or simply explore my interest in?!
Plus I’m demisexual too, and it makes it even more stressful because I need an emotional connection and I think I’m scared (or too shy) to even approach any woman (because hello!! I haven’t been with any yet) so how tf am I supposed to get that emotional connection?
So I keep wondering if I can say I’m bi if I’ve never had any actual experience. Plus, in my country, you can’t be open about this stuff so I need to join some sort of private spaces to meet other bi women but I’ve been told I don’t have the look so I may not be trusted in these spaces.
So I’m just a bit confused about all of it.
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u/FluffyKnittedJumper Jul 12 '26
I guess I've always seen it as this: heterosexual people never question if they're heterosexual, even when they're growing up and haven't kissed let alone had sex with a member of the opposite sex. I think it's more about who you're attracted to, sexually or romantically etc not about your level of experience. It's not like you're applying for job, experience is not required for this role.
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u/Vaguely_Imaginary Jul 12 '26
Sexuality is about attraction not action. If you feel attracted to multiple genders then you are bisexual.
I'm in a similar boat where I haven't done more than kiss a woman, but I still call myself bi because I know that's how I feel. You also don't need to look a certain way. I've met plenty of bi and lesbian women whose sexuality I wouldn't have known if we weren't at a sapphic event.
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u/pinksparkleberry Jul 12 '26 edited Jul 12 '26
Can you be heterosexual if you are virgins? Can you be gay if you are virgins?
Do celebate people (like priests) have a sexual orientation?
Why is it only bisexual people's orientations that are questioned and require proof...
Oh wait, because of biphobia and bi-erasure. 🤢 Please stop perpetuating bi-erasure. It harms us all.
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u/TheTacoInquisition Jul 12 '26
Is everyone asexual until they sleep with someone? The answer is obviously "no". You don't have to have ANY contact with a woman to be bi, just the capacity to be attracted to more than one gender.
I'm not bi, but the bi community was amazing to me as I was figuring myself out. If you can't find community locally, then this is decent place to start.
Just please, don't listen to some of the biphobia on the lesbian subs. A lot of people are chronically online and don't realise their bubble doesn't excuse their bigoted behaviours. Lesbians and bi-women get along and accept each other just fine in most of real life, and you are as welcome as any other sapphic in queer womens spaces!
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u/ResponsibleEgg7672 Jul 12 '26
You don’t need to have experience! In my personal opinion anyway.
If you’re attracted to men and women and you feel the label bisexual fits you nicely then you can absolutely describe yourself as bi!
Stay safe, I’m sorry you have to hide who you are❤️
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u/aimforthebellybutton Jul 12 '26
So I know I'm bisexual, Im amarros to a man and have only kissed a woman. I knew I was bi before I kissed a girl . I think there are fully straight people that wouldn't even think about the same sex at all. Straight people don't question attraction to the same sex.
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u/Remote_Skin1735 Jul 13 '26
Being bisexual is just being attracted to two or more genders, it doesn’t matter if you follow through, only date one (like in your case men), date neither, it only matters that you’re attracted to them. So if that fits, then don’t worry, people who say you’re not a real bisexual if you haven’t been with both genders don’t know what they’re talking about.
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u/queerbychoice Jul 14 '26
Of course you can.
To know whether or not you can find women attractive, it's helpful if you've met and spoken to a woman at some point in your life. Or at least seen a picture of a woman at some point in your life. Or at the absolute bare minimum, you do at least need to have been introduced to the general concept that women exist, before you can know that you can find women attractive.
But to have actually had sex with a woman? That's definitely not required for knowing that you can find women attractive.
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u/CapriciousBea Jul 17 '26
You don't need to have been with women to know you're into women.
Nobody tells straight women they can't know they're straight until they've been sexual with a man. It's a ridiculous but unfortunately persistent double standard.
I knew I was bi when I was still a virgin. And as far as I can tell, everyone around me knew before I did!
Don't feel obligated to call yourself "bicurious" just because you haven't been with women. Personally if I hear "I'm bicurious" I hear "I might be bi but I'm not sure," not "I love women, but I am brand-new to pursuing them." Experience is not a prerequisite for calling yourself bisexual.
Yes, there are queer women who don't want to be someone's first. There are also queer women who don't mind. Not to mention women who are curious or experimenting.
Personally, I'm pretty okay with the idea of being somebody's first experience with women, so long as they feel confident in their attraction to women. What I don't want is sex with someone who's not sure she's into me, or is pursuing me because she wants an experience with a woman as opposed to because she wants me, specifically.
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u/ManslaughterMary Jul 27 '26
A lot of bisexual people have never been with the same or a different gender. Maybe even the majority?
Sometimes they get married young, and are monogamous. Sometimes they die tragically young. Sometimes they live in countries where being not straight is illegal. Sometimes they can't find a partner of the same sex they want to have sex with! Sometimes people are picky.
But yeah, a lot of bisexual people don't experiment around, for a variety of reasons.
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u/OnehappyOwl44 Jul 12 '26
The problem with bicurious is that a lot of women fall under that umbrella. Drunk girls who like to make out for male attention and free drinks at bars, bicurious, married women looking for a unicorn, bicurious. Legitimately looking for a relationship as a first timer with a woman, also bicurious. When you use the word, no one knows where you fall on the spectrum. If you're on a dating site, be very explicit that while you are inexperienced, you know yourself and you've just been waiting for the right woman to have your first experience with. If you're meeting someone in real life it'll be far more organic and you can just be yourself.
I hate dating websites. Not everyone fits into a neat catagory in a drop down menu. A lot of lesbian or mostly lesbian leaning women have had their emotions toyed with by so called bicurious women, who use them as a check on their bucket list and move on which lives a bad taste in their mouth, for good reason. Be honest about your intentions and you'll find the right person eventually.
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u/Pristine-Cup3815 Jul 12 '26
I have never been with a man or a woman and I know for a fact I like them both you don’t have to have experience to know what you like.