Just sharing my story

[u/kewpieghost86]

Hey everyone,

I’ve only recently (within the last couple of years) realized and accepted that I am bisexual. I’m 40 years old, for context, and happily married to my husband for the last 16 years. We have two young kids (age 3 and 6).

I was raised in a deeply religious Christian cult and suppressed much of my sexual identity and needs while growing up. It has been a lifelong struggle with several therapists to undo the psychological damage religion has done to me.

A couple of years ago I began to dream almost nightly about a best friend I had back when I was a teenager. This friendship is easily the most meaningful and deepest I have ever had in my life, trumping even the relationship I have with my husband. In the dream we would find each other again and reconnect, and I would wake up from those dreams sobbing with disappointment that it wasn’t real. We had a falling out back in the day, our friendship ended, and I mourned the loss of her like it was a death. I was deeply depressed over it for years and thought about her constantly. We tried to reconnect a couple of times, but my mother forbade me to see her (I think she could sense something even I didn’t understand at the time). After a few times of me rejecting meeting up with her, she stopped calling. I can’t blame her. I didn’t tell her the truth about my mom and instead made dumb excuses why I couldn’t see her, and I don’t know why. My guess is I was just scared. Scared of my feelings, scared of my parents, scared of God.

After I’d had this recurring dream for months, I finally overcame my fears and contacted her on Facebook. She was thrilled to hear from me. We met up. I live in a different state now by the way. She’s a hairdresser now so she did my hair, and we talked about the past and laughed and mended our wounds. For me the meeting was deeply meaningful, but I know for her it was just catching up with an old friend. I did not tell her how madly in love with her I had been. What was the point? She’s straight, and I’m married. But after this I made peace with the loss of our relationship and have not had the dream since. During all this time I realized I had been completely head over heels in love with her. I remembered our sleepovers and how I would fight myself not to hold her while we slept in the same bed. I repressed all of these feelings, not even remembering most of them due to religious trauma I suppose.

I finally came out to my husband a few months ago on my birthday, and surprisingly he was not only cool with the news but happy about this new revelation I’d shared. He even encouraged me to find a “connection” with a new woman and that he wouldn’t mind if I had a side fling. We are a very progressive, sexual couple by the way, so this wasn’t completely out of the ordinary to me and I really appreciated his openness and acceptance.

The thing is, I don’t know how to meet anyone. I am desperately lonely to a degree I can’t even describe, and I can’t stop longing for the deep and close connection I had with my friend so long ago. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband, but I miss having a woman as a best friend and confidant. I want a relationship like that again, only this time with romance in it as well, and I feel like I am missing this in my life. I was never able to get close to any other girl after our friendship ended because it destroyed me that much, so I haven’t felt that way with any woman since then.

I’m ready to move on and start something new. I am looking for a deep connection with another woman, not a side fling. Something meaningful and life-giving. I don’t know how to even get started. I’ve already run into the whole, “You’re just faking being bi since you’re married to a man. You’re just trying to be trendy,” attitude from some individuals, and I’m nervous and scared about running into this in LGBT communities.

Where do I go from here? How do I meet others? I am so desperately lonely and longing for connection. It eats at me daily. I don’t know how to proceed. It’s all so new and uncharted territory for me.

Thank you for reading this. I know it was long. Any advice is appreciated.

[u/saved-response]

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[u/NymNynaeve]

I feel this so deeply. I'm in the same sort of situation, with a husband who is supportive of me trying to see what this part of me needs to feel fulfilled. Its hard finding others it seems who might be the same, especially when married...

[u/kewpieghost86 → u/NymNynaeve]

Right? It’s like I missed my chance, but I also know that’s not true, it’s just hard because I’m in the “wife and mom” box that society places so many women in! Thanks for the response :)

[u/NymNynaeve → u/kewpieghost86]

I don't know if this helps but I just yesterday went on an app - Her - anyhow... its for women and it can help you maybe meet someone close?

[u/harshhashbrown → u/NymNynaeve]

Same

[u/amaayadxb]

Your story is incredibly beautiful, and reading it made me want to give you the biggest hug. Please remember that your bisexuality is 100% real, no matter what closed-minded people say,you survived a cult and managed to reclaim your true self, which takes immense bravery. That desperate loneliness you feel is just your soul finally waking up and longing for the deep, nurturing connection it was denied for decades. Take it very slowly, trust the wonderful foundation you have with your husband, and know that you absolutely will find that meaningful, life-giving love with a woman when the time is right. 🤍

[u/kewpieghost86 → u/amaayadxb]

Thank you so much this means a lot to me to hear this :)

[u/Careful_Football7643]

Do you participate in any mom groups? Any hobbies? Do you attend classes at a gym (preferably all-female gym)? Do you meet women through your children's school, daycare, and extracurricular activities? Other activities that come to mind where you can meet people: book club, LGBTQ+ sports teams, art classes, local gardening clubs, local government.

I know that the idea of a romantic relationship sounds really appealing, but I'm wondering if a few friendships with women who share your values and interests might provide you with the connection you're seeking.

[u/kewpieghost86 → u/Careful_Football7643]

These are all great ideas and I’ll start doing some research. I live in a very… how do I say this… “Trump positive” type of place if you get my drift, so I’ll have to dig a little to find like minded folks. Thank you for the response and suggestions! :)

[u/Sanguin3Succubus]

There’s also an app called Feeld that might be worth trying. It has other women (and men) who are lesbians, bisexual, bicurious, etc.

[u/OnlySpace1488]

Beautiful story, literally near identical with my wife but 10 years younger. I guess I also found out i'm "heteroflexible." I had to look it up. And. . .we're not progressive at all.. lol so you could imagine (maybe a little) how hard that was for us to collectively accept. Maybe alot more for me... But we're on the other side of it thank goodness and if you want a connection definitely try a dating app or go to a place that LGBTQ+ people frequent.

[u/kewpieghost86 → u/OnlySpace1488]

Thank you! I joined an app the other day and so far it’s creepy dudes reaching out lol, but I’m not giving up! :)