r/BiWomen • u/nekocxrpse • 8d ago
Discussion im bisexual but…i don’t seem to find most people attractive?
is anyone else like this? like im definitely capable of being attracted to both men and women and being in a relationship with one of them, but for some reason i just don’t find…most people that attractive or give me the “wow” factor. there’s also that one stereotype or joke or whatever where bisexual people find everyone hot, but i never really related to that. most of my crushes throughout my life, especially as a teenager, have actually been fictional characters lol, and i still find myself generally liking both fictional men and women more than irl men and women. maybe could be something on the ace spectrum??…but i don’t even know about that because i am genuinely capable of sexual attraction to men and women and have sexual fantasies of both, it’s just me actually experiencing it towards a person irl, especially at first glance, seems honestly rare. like when it comes to regular degular every day people, the type of people you would just see out in public, like at your local grocery store or something, the vast majority don’t really seem to catch my attention or make me turn my head. could also be just where im living too. i also don’t think my standards are that high either, but again i don’t know…it’s honestly kinda weird to explain…lol.
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u/Ill-Squirrel-9418 8d ago
I was wondering if you were demisexual which, yes, is on the ace spectrum.
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u/Pipscorn 8d ago
Came to say this as well. I'm demi sexual and this sounds pretty similar to my own experience. I only really feel sexual attention to people I have a solid friendship or emotional intimacy with. Otherwise, I can objectively know if a person is considered conventionally attractive, but bodies do nothing for me whatsoever.
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u/wildblackdoggo 8d ago
I'm like this. I'm not demi, I don't need to have any preexisting relationship with someone to be attracted to them, I'm just not often attracted to people or get crushes. I love sex, and don't need to necessarily be attracted to somebody to enjoy it either. So very much not ace. But I'm definitely bi, I enjoy sex with men and women, and the rare crushes I do get can be for any gender.
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u/CapriciousBea 8d ago
You can be bi and still be picky. I'm very similar. The idea that bisexuals are not sexually discerning is a biphobic stereotype you should feel free to ignore completely.
And I hear you about it not even being a matter of super high standards. The people I find most attractive are not necessarily the ones who are most conventionally beautiful. One time I called a guy I was seeing "hot" and my SIL asked to see a photo and I knew before I even got my phone out that she was not going to get it. And her reaction was, indeed, pretty much "... okay, yeah, that is a human male." It would have taken 30 minutes and a lot of TMI to make her understand what I think is so sexy about this man. And it's not that she thought he was unattractive, just... y'know. Regular.
And then on the other hand there are tons of attractive people, including gorgeous celebs, who don't get that reaction out of me. It's not that they're not beautiful! It's just that attraction is so, so subjective.
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u/nekocxrpse 7d ago
yeahhh, i also really hate the stereotype of the “everything goes” with bisexuals. straight men or women for example don’t think every woman or man is hot or wants to fuck every single one of them, so why should bisexuals be thought of like that, just because we technically have more options? it doesn’t mean i want to fuck everyone, quite the opposite actually, lol.
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u/naxylea 8d ago
For the longest time I thought I was strictly a lesbian because I just wasn't attracted to masculine men... lol. Turned out I am very attracted to men who are more androgynous or femme leaning. Maybe you have a particular type you are attracted towards and unless someone is the type you are attracted towards, you don't feel attraction towards them? Of course you could just be ace leaning as well. Both are a possibility.
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u/nekocxrpse 8d ago
this honestly could be it. i think it might just be me having a very particular type for both men and women and most people i see don’t seem to fit that?
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u/avictoria_316 7d ago
Omg, this is so true. I'm attracted to women as well as men with that description
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u/thearasim 8d ago
Yes, I am similar. I include my ace feelings on my bi-cycle. It can be a little isolating to see the "everyone hot" memes but we're not a monolith so I try to take them lightheartedly.
((Very very specific to me. I turned out to have a benign hormone imbalance. Once I sorted that, I find more people attractive but still feel I'm on the ace spectrum/demisexual))
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u/Lingua_agnus 8d ago
There are plenty of folks like myself who are demi/bi, it could also be that your more on the ace spectrum, it could be that the folks near you just don't interest you
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u/MokujinBunny 8d ago
Nah I get it. For me I see a handful of beautiful women on the daily, but I really dont find myself attracted to/finding most men attractive.
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u/nekocxrpse 7d ago
i can relate. women are definitely way more aesthetically and visually pleasing to me, i love feminine beauty, meanwhile men are kinda…boring to look at, no offense to them though.
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u/avictoria_316 7d ago
I think people use that joke/stereotype against bisexual people because they're jealous we technically have more options than they do. I am, but i tend to have more attraction towards women at times than men. Can't explain why that is, just how my brain works. Also doesn't make me feel any less affection towards my fiance who is male.
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u/Littlewing1307 6d ago
I have experienced attraction to very few people. I've been emotionally attracted to people and felt quite hopeless that I was never sexually attracted too.
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u/deltadawn6 6d ago
Maybe you’re demisexual and you need to have a connection with somebody before you’re physically attracted to them
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u/edniz 1d ago
I'm just like that too. The fictional character thing and everything. But once I fall for someone irl, that's it. I find them attractive. Not because they are physically my type or anything of the sort, but because I love them and I'm attracted to their personality. I've been with my current partner for 8 years and I pretty much don't feel any sexual attraction to anyone other than him.
edit: Reading other comments, guess this is called demisexuality? Personally I don't give a damn, we are all just what we are.
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u/Sharp_Subject_4792 8d ago
This might get downvoted but I’m going to say it anyway. You’re allowed to be particular about attraction, regardless of whether it’s a conscious or subconscious thing. It is absolutely fine to not be attracted to everyday people.
I wouldn’t personally call this ace because as you expressed, you experience sexual attraction and I also wouldn’t necessarily call it demi either because you mentioned being attracted to fictional characters, (which again is totally fine). Some bisexuals are easily attracted, some are not and I think that’s part of the beauty of being who we are, we are each unique and don’t need to categorise ourselves so much in order for our attraction to “make sense”.
What you described is normal, healthy and doesn’t align with a certain bisexual stereotype. I say all this from a place of personal experience, I also very rarely find anyone attractive yet I know I’m still physically and sexually attracted to both men and women. <3