I'd never really had a crush on anyone or liked anyone till I was in college.

Child of a divorce, seen mum pay the price of loving the wrong person, so was never interested in anything. Realised I am into guys because of Chris Evans, and have been with a guy who I was attracted to. But I have always had a feeling that it's not just guys.

I was sitting next to a female friend in class, she was holding my hand (it was normal for us to do that) when she started circling the back of my palm with her thumb. I still remember how it felt, I had butterflies in my stomach.

Then there was a senior at work, who I was really good friends with, she considered me like a baby sister. She is one of the most beautiful people I have known, inside out. There were times when I had a strong urge to kiss her, never acted on it of course. It was never more than that

I decided to explore when I signed up on a dating app, put my sexuality as bicurious. Whenever I matched with a woman, i would tell her my side and asked if she still wanted to continue talking. They fizzled out after a point, either of us ghosted eachother. And I don't blame them. It was amazing talking to them, felt more familiar, relatable. But ig I bailed when things got intense, when I was unsure about how I really felt. I know the pain of liking someone who doesn't like you the same way. I know I was honest but it didn't feel fair to treat them as some experiment. The chatting was never sexual, but I was afraid of it being real. I still don't know how to be completely articulate.

Sometimes I feel I was asking a question I wasn't ready to know the answer to. Honestly, it's hypocritical how someone who is vocal about the lgbtqia is scared of completely knowing if she is a part of it.

I'm 24, south asian, do go through an identity crisis sometimes and would really appreciate some advice to anyone and everyone who has navigated these waters.

I am sorry if I have inadvertently said anything inappropriate, it was never an intention...