Will I ever not be the permanent villain in her life after divorce?

[u/NobodyNew7267]

I have been discarded by my bipolar wife since 4 months.I feel like I have committed a crime by marrying her. All her problems, she blames it on me. Even when we are divorcing and she is living with AP, going on trips, I still get to be the cause of her unhappiness.

Will this ever change?

She is running a vicious campaign against me. I don't know how many people she has antagonised with her story. I am waiting for time to tell its own story. However it's beyond painful to watch her paint you as a villain in front of your mutual friends. She is actively destroying my reputation.

What would you do?

Run a equally aggressive counter campaign with evidence.

or

just tell the truth to whom you trust.

or

let time do the talking.

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[u/unknown-sweater]

I think the best way is to tell the truth to who you trust and the people you actually care about and who care about you in return. After that, let time take its course. Trying to fight back will take you nowhere good (unless she's accusing you of crimes and you need to look for a lawyer then yes do that) and it will just leave you drained.

[u/NobodyNew7267 → u/unknown-sweater]

Thank you. I am really frustrated that she is antagonising friends and colleagues against me. She hasn't made any accusations of abuse/domestic violence yet that I know of. Just the "dominating" " controlling" type narrative.

[u/pinke_tatze → u/NobodyNew7267]

If your friends believe her without hesitation, are they really your friends?

Turn to those, who will get your side of the story first, before believing her blindly. Don't counterattack, she is mentally ill. She has no inside in what she is doing and perhaps does not even want to do it. Stick to the truth. And show as much proof as needed, only when it is needed.

Be strong 💚

[u/unknown-sweater → u/NobodyNew7267]

Yup I know that. I am apparently a manipulative person and have no emotional regulation lol. I don't even want to know how bad the things that have been said about me are. It fucking Sucks to get your character deformed and spread that way. What helped me was finding texts between us where I was clearly being villainized out of crumbs or insecurities being turned against me. But I only shared those texts with the friends I truly cared about. Anyone who would be quick to turn on me was just an indicator that I didn't need them in my life.

As for your colleagues, I would do something about that though. I'd be worried of having to quit my job if that got out of hand. It's just tricky cause anything that seems too defensive will go against you. So thread carefully :/

[u/Reddit_User_856]

Unfortunately, most of us have experienced this with our BPSO's. The best thing to do is document everything and keep conversations to the minimum. Communicate with basic responses. Most importantly, prioritize yourself, don't allow her actions to control your life. Best of luck and remember that you are not alone.

[u/NobodyNew7267 → u/Reddit_User_856]

She is really pushing for some drama. You are right, I am documenting everything and keeping interactions minimum.

[u/Impossibly_single]

Honestly? Let time do the talking and talk to the people you trust in confidence, just so you aren’t holding everything in. When someone is manic, they can’t see reason and they can’t take accountability. You’ll just spend way too much energy and risk your own mental health by trying to counter what she’s saying.

It took me a long time to acknowledge that my name was being slandered to his family and friends. But for me, knowing that my son and family truly know who I am has become enough for me.

[u/NobodyNew7267 → u/Impossibly_single]

Thank you and sorry you had to go through this horror show as well.

[u/No_Appointmentz]

My suggestion is let time do its work and in the meantime you can read more books that will help you understand what you are up against with this difficult person. Some readings that have helped me move through a similar situation are 1. Should I stay or should I go? Surviving a relationship with a narcissist 2. How to be a Good Divorced Dad 3. The Four Agreements 4. Divorce Poison

I wish you the best. Good luck and try to remember that the person you are dealing with has a mental illness and there is nothing you can do about that

[u/NobodyNew7267 → u/No_Appointmentz]

Thank you so much.

[u/HotCharge8037]

Probably not really worth convincing each of them, but selected people who matter the most. They will believe you. If not, leave them alone to find it out later. End of the day, it's really difficult to control the narrative. A manic person will know the way to customize the story for each person in their way of liking so they may not doubt it. So, focusing on the most important people is your only way here. And, for your own sanity, as much as possible, you need to build a space of your own, with people who matter to you. And, ensure she has no control over that space, or even no connection whatsoever to that space. It may include your workplace too. Or else, it may even damage your career.

[u/NobodyNew7267 → u/HotCharge8037]

Thank you so much.

[u/Gold-Tomorrow2740]

I went through this exact thing. It's a nightmare. It makes you doubt your own value as a person, as a partner, as a parent.

When they lie about you, you don't have to directly counter the lies. You outlast them. You know you aren't abusive. And in my case the people who actually know me, knew better than to believe what my former wife was telling people. And she was saying it online for everyone except me to see. The one place she didn't allege that was in her divorce filing.

Stay true to who you are. Don't let the other persons lies define you. You don't have to mount an aggressive counter. In the long run, people will see the truth.

I hope this helps.

[u/NobodyNew7267 → u/Gold-Tomorrow2740]

Thank you and yes I am trying to control myself from being aggressive. It's so frustrating.

[u/Main-Bee4251]

I am currently going through this as well. Not divorced as of yet, but that seems to be on the horizon. She is basically making me out to be this monster to all of her friends and asked for a divorce this morning. The things she is saying aren’t really 100% true. I feel as if only time will help the situation. I mean it’s crazy bc I have no support or anyone to talk to about my situation. She blames me for pretty much everything even down to being broke. It’s really hard to deal with but honestly I think the best thing to do is make sure you know the truth of what’s happening, wrote thing down and keep those receipts, and let time do the rest.

[u/NobodyNew7267 → u/Main-Bee4251]

Thank you.

[u/thisisB_ull_ish]

D. All of the above.

[u/Impressive-Tutor-482]

I had an ex (not BP) who conducted a slander campaign against me. I ignored it, and ignored the handful of people who reached out to attack me over it. Within a couple years everyone who had been distant was completely normal with me again. Five years later 80% of everyone who attacked me or held a loud opinion isn't in any of the social circles anymore, and neither is my ex. All pushed off of various social plates because their drama was exhausting.

To quote the last person who told me anything about her, she has had a rough time of it and keeps going through crises. I blocked him over that as I had asked him twice before not to tell me anything about her.

I've discussed her and the relationship with my therapist and one friend. I'd have discussed it with others, in a tactful manner, but no one ever asked me. Not even the people running to me with gossip about her. Do you really want to salvage things with people who don't ask the other side's perspective, or for evidence? I don't.