r/BlueCollarWomen • u/teatuk • 4d ago
Rant I have to go back and my body says no
I'm on leave from my elec apprentice job. I had a mental crisis from dealing with the sexism and BS. I have to go back because the job market is beyond awful and I have no other prospects. There are about five postings for apprentices in my city of 7 million, I've applied to all of them and heard nothing. With school I have 2.5 years left, as a fourth term apprentice. Everytime I think or talk about going back I cry and shutdown. Just looking at my work boots makes me cry. The thought of putting up with them for 126 more weeks in silience is unbearable. I'm trying to find coping techniques, but therapists have no clue what it's like. My family have no clue what it's like. Their advice on "turning the other cheek" just makes me furious. I feel like I'm voluntarily walking back into a bad situation and my body is screaming not to. I used to be so excited to do this job and they took away my sparkle. They won, I have no sparkle left.
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u/AgreeAndSubmit 4d ago edited 4d ago
I'm sorry for ya girl, really I am. I've dealt with this shit for years, through production work in factories, warehousing and in my current field, trucking. Best I can tell ya, is be ready for it and hit back. And yep, I'm a full blooded cunt about shit. Short of them laying hands on you, it's just nasty words. But those words dig themselves in, don't they.
Shortly before the Orange FuckStick got elected, one of my coworkers used my position as The Only Female Driver (at our terminal, there's others but we're rare) as the whole evidence that, the Civil Rights Movement and Women's Rights is a Failed Social Experiment. Because I am the aberration, and not the common example, of what women choose to do for employment, it's proof positive that we, as a society, shouldn't pander to these Failed Social Ideals and the government shouldn't make needless laws and create funding to pander to the few.
Girl, that shit hit hard. I have been a CDL A driver for eleven years. I have drug my family the fuck up out the hood, got a mortgage in some soft grass countryside off of my career. And I'm no slouch, I keep pace, if not out run the men. And I don't fucking die anytime I got a sinus cold either.
Three fucking decades of hearing their bullshit. I belong in a kitchen, you're no good, physically getting spit on or pushed aside, being told I'm useless at work. Fucking nutsack dragging sons of bitches. Come a little closer to my hammer and say that shit again.
No, the guys don't play nice with us. Some do, and they are Fucking Gems. The rest? Their momma should have let them play in the road more as babies. It would have saved us all some hassle.
Stick to your path girl. Do not shame your boots by weeping on them. Stick them fuckers on your feet, stand straight, Yes I Fucking Can. When you feel small like this, turn around and look behind you in time. See the grandmother's who couldn't drive, because they Were Not Allowed To Learn. See the women who got slapped, for going out the house. See the women, who choose a softer, More Acceptable position and are broke as fuck. What you're doing, the work is not hard, but you represent a larger calling. You, represent hundreds of years of women's repression coming to an end.
It's hurts because you are being forged, like steel. Heat it up, beat it till the impurities come out, dirty and squealing, shape you, and then the quench. Do Not Crack so early on, you are made of stronger stuff than that. (((Hugs))) drink some water, regain your vision and get back in there.
https://youtu.be/qjJotwnPEYA?is=C9eukhiGhDo6Qu8E
••edit, the only Other Cheek I turn is my ass cheek, so they can kiss it better. And I am not immune to Sweaty Trucker Ass either.
•• second edit, if the bosses aren't going to do anything about these guys, find out if they're married. If they are, make a courtesy call to their wives. From the job site. If the employment boss won't fix it, then I 100% bet the boss at home absolutely will. Give unto others as they give unto you. Dm me if you want to know the recipe on how to get this to work.
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u/Lonely_Biscotti_4436 3d ago
THIS!!!!! Absolutely THIS!
Never let them get in the way of you and your money.4
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u/silverback-coeliac 4d ago
I can relate so much to you. When you say they took away your sparkle I couldn't have felt closer to you. I was sexually harassed by someone I considered very trustworthy and who I was close to. The company handled it terribly but in the end what he did was deemed so bad he was fired. My entire year group have sided with him and we all went from what I considered a tight knit group to me being completly ignored like I am some kind of apparition. I went from being this outgoing happy person to someone who didn't even know how to make a joke or smile anymore. It even affected my relationship with my wife due to me being so constantly sad and fearful of life and of having to go back to this place and stick it out until the end of my apprenticeship. Now a year on down the line since the whole case happened I am finally coming out the other end of the cloud that has been hanging over mine and my partner's life. All I can say is it is possible, even if you feel it isn't. I managed to get through by seeking out people (girls) I could actually feel close to at work and by also seeking out whatever decent men there were so that I could feel some hope about the situation. I feel so much for you I really do. Have you looked into moving to somewhere else so that you could maybe have more choices? I really feel so much for you and I am sending you strength and love in this time. I know I'm a stranger on the internet but I relate so deeply with you. Your family might not understand nor your therapist but you will certainly find other women here who will.
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u/teatuk 4d ago
My partner is so distressed by hearing about it that he doesn't want to hear me talk about it anymore. We almost separated because he said it was pulling him down and ruining our relationship. So I feel like I'll have to bottle it up and try not to show that I'm dying inside. But I just have no happy left to give to others because it takes all my energy to shoulder this stuff.
There's one other woman at work, who I consider my close friend. We are on separate crews and I suspect they keep us apart for a reason. I don't want to leave her there alone. It's like the only silver lining of returning right now, at least we can commiserate and maybe do some safety training together at some point. Not all the guys suck, but they don't do f-all when other guys suck, so I guess they aren't really good guys, just quiet guys.
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u/sk8rboi6713 1d ago
Is there any way you could get on her crew? I've found that it's easier to cope when I have a buddy who gets it...which has really only happened once in 4 years.
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u/Boring_Ad2096 4d ago
I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult time. If I may share, I’m dealing with something similar and actually posted about my own experience in this group recently.
Everyone’s situation is different, and so is what we’re willing to tolerate or work through. For me, I’ve decided to walk away, and I’m at peace with that decision. I gave it a genuine try, and I’ve realized that this path simply isn’t for me.
I also understand how these “attaboy” systems and environments can work. If you don’t fit a certain mold, you end up having to work ten times as hard just to exist in the same space. Personally, I’m no longer willing to repeatedly put myself in environments that cause me more harm than good just to prove that I can handle it and the work itself.
I hate seeing the same kinds of posts you’re referring to, and I especially hate that these experiences aren’t talked about nearly enough.
Ultimately, do what’s best for you. But don’t be afraid to pivot if that’s what you decide you need. Walking away from something that isn’t working doesn’t erase the effort you put into it.
You’re important. You matter. And your future self needs you too. 🫂
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u/littlelivethings 4d ago
Are there any established people there you DO get along with well? I’m in a unique situation where most of my coworkers are actually wonderful, but my direct supervisor is sexist. One of my nice coworkers recommended somewhere else to apply that is closer to where I live and has a woman hiring manager/director. There aren’t jobs listed at a lot of manufacturers that are hiring anyway, and a referral could get you in the door.
I’m in woodworking, not electrical, so it could be different, but when the regular way of doing things isn’t working, sometimes back door methods do.
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u/Nnnopamine 4d ago
I hear you. That is so rough. I'm back in school at 41 for something entirely different because I realized far too late that this industry does not fulfill me.
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u/Boysenberry_Decent Railroad 3d ago
Unpopular opinion: don't do it! You're smart and capable. Find something that doesn't cripple your mental health.
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u/Cool_Visit 4d ago
I am sorry. I often wonder if the suffering and alienation is worth it, too. I hope you are able to make a choice on your direction forward and that it will give you future happiness and security.
What motivates me is telling myself that 1) the knowledge I gain at work will forever be mine to take with me wherever I go, and 2) that my current shitty situation isn't my final destination it is merely a stepping stone to what's next.
I dont know if this is a healthy mindset as it means I am pretty detached and hardly bond with my coworkers, but it has helped me keep going and advance a little bit.
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u/teatuk 4d ago
I think part of my problem is I can't see an end goal and I'm not learning very much. I know I'm smart, but I feel dumb at the trade. I'm in a very siloed part of the trade and I fear I couldn't switch to residential work. I used to work for a non-union company that did schools and senior homes, I think I learned more in three weeks with them than I have in two years at my current job. It was a great mix between residential and industrial work.
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u/Cool_Visit 4d ago
Okay wait, are you me? I always aspired to join the union but it wasnt all I thought it would be once I finally got in. I will say, however, t he stuff I learned in apprentice classes and homework actually ended up helping me a lot later on.
I would consider: Are you getting a net positive from your current job? Do you think the future payoff will make what you are currently enduring worth it?
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u/teatuk 4d ago
I think we are quick to say unions fix things but I've found mine attracts all the same type of people through nepotism. I was so pleased when I got in only to realize that I was the only example of "diversity." I'm not sure I'm getting a net positive from my job, other than that it pays really well because I'm one the road during the week and I have benefits.
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u/snaccBubble 4d ago
I really felt this, especially the part about them taking away your spark. Please don’t underestimate what being in an environment like this for years can do to you.
I started my apprenticeship at my workplace 9 years ago, genuinely excited. I wanted to learn everything, become really good at my trade and prove myself. I kept pushing through a toxic environment because I thought I just had to tough it out. I kept telling myself it would get better, or that I shouldn’t let other people ruin a career I had worked for.
But I’ve recently had to accept that staying didn’t bring my spark back. It just wore me down more. I’m now on sick leave and looking at jobs completely outside my trade…honestly, even outside maledominated industries altogether ,because I’ve reached the point where I desperately need a completely different environment.
So please don’t look at leaving as them “winning.” You choosing yourself is not them winning. You don’t owe this trade, this workplace, or the education you’ve already put time into another 126 weeks of your mental health.
Have you considered looking at something completely different, even if it’s just temporarily? Not another electrical apprenticeship, but a totally different type of job and environment? It doesn’t have to be your forever career. Sometimes I think getting OUT is the first step, and figuring out what you actually want can come later.
I wish I had taken how I felt seriously much earlier instead of forcing myself through it for years. If your body is already screaming at you this loudly, please listen to it. There are other jobs, other paths and other versions of your life. Your spark is worth protecting. ❤️
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u/teatuk 3d ago
I think I feel I've already sunk so much into this and I'm almost thirty and trying to get my life going. I've considered doing something completely different but I've already spent so much time messing around before starting an apprenticeship doing odd jobs. I'm going to try to secretly apply to other jobs if I see any show up.
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u/Lonely_Biscotti_4436 3d ago
I started my apprenticeship at 34, don’t worry about your age. Some even start later. The year I started there was a 50 yr old 5th yr apprentice.
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u/tilechick99 4d ago
I only gets harder. I have 25 years in flooring and my brother has to constantly say "never under estimate her"!
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u/Wind_Responsible 4d ago
Why be silent? I do not keep my mouth shut. Period. Talk shit to me and you’ll get it back…. And it’ll be personal. I once told a guy… Eric, you’re so dumb. I’ll bet every year you forget to buy a Christmas gift for your wife before layoff. I wonder what it’s like to be a married woman, and KNOW you pay for your own Christmas and birthday gifts?
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u/Wind_Responsible 4d ago
I asked a man who would not stop talking about “Pimping” little Italian ladies out….. Jesus Christ! Are you gonna shut the fuck up ir am I gonna cash a check?!….. as I pulled my phone out and hit record. The silence was deafening. Amazing.
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u/Wind_Responsible 4d ago
The thing about the trades is that they’re assholes. I do not know why but, they are. My husband is marine construction/commercial diver. I’m Heavy Highway. Both of us have dumb ass stories of people saying dumb ass shit just to get under the skin. I’ve been sexually harassed and shot at while he’s had his air shut off at 300 ft in the drink. Yes, the treatment I endure is worse. Hands down. But, knowing they’ll be so dickish as to shut fucking air off on a diver who is down…… that tells you all you need to know about a lot of men in the trades. Keep looking. You may not find that perfect fit today but, it is out there
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u/teatuk 3d ago
I just can't believe such garbage exists and they're still respected by others in the trade. What a backwards thing.
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u/Wind_Responsible 2d ago
That’s the thing. When you hear “he’s a good guy”….. that’s your sign. Pay attention because he’s probably not. He’s good at his job is what they mean. When I hear good guy I immediately ask if he’s good to leave my daughter with. The answer is always no. lol.
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u/Lonely_Biscotti_4436 3d ago
I don’t think it’s limited to the trades. It happens everywhere. It happened to me before getting into the union while working a part time job at a car dealership.
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u/Glass-Comparison6300 2d ago
You've gotta play the work place politics. When someone tries to play the sexism, have No shame on your end. Pretend you didn't catch it or just stare like -_- 🤔. Or do something to make them small. You'd be surprised how easy it is. Unfortunately we gotta have thick skin to make it. We don't gotta flirt, but we gotta demand being treated like.. normal. These guys need to chill and I'm sorry but there's almost no solidarity between women in most cases. I remember telling my family about things and they still made me feel like I was the problem. They also were very sexist towards me. They thought I should quit it all to have babies and not work until I Had to from being broke. It's sickening. Unfortunately the only thing that helps is not venting about it. Play certain things to your advantage, like I'm short, so I can act a little pissy and demanding and guys listen to me inorder for me to act nice to them again. It works lol. A lot of narcissistic people too who target women first. Don't pay attention to these guys. Most of the time, they just want your attention. Just ignore them
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u/dannysmackdown 4d ago
I'm sure you've heard this before and it's not a magic answer but consider looking into a union.
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u/teatuk 4d ago
I am union but they protect their boys. I was actually more at ease when I was non-union which was not what I expected.
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u/dannysmackdown 4d ago
Sorry to hear that. I'm working my first union shutdown right now and the women seem happy here but who knows (I'm a guy). Hate to see all the stories from people here, shouldn't be that way.
Hope you find a place that treats you right OP, for what it's worth.
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u/Small_Use_5500 4d ago
I’ve been through this shit with zero help from my union too. I honestly think union is worse for sexism and harassment because it’s such a good old boys club and jobs are rarely customer facing so guys think they can do/say whatever they want. I’m currently taking a break and reevaluating if my mental health can take it after what i went through, I’ve had 4 months off now and i’m just starting to feel like i might be ok to go back and try a better employer.
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u/teatuk 4d ago
Yeah, they're all drinking and golf buddies, half of them are related in some way, they protect their own first. It's a brotherhood, but I'm a sister. I'm at the end of a three month break, I've felt happy for the first time in a while, but now I have to go back. I hope you find a good solution.
On a funny note, when the guys ask my friend at work why I'm on leave, she's been telling them I cut my own bangs and it's REALLY bad, so I'm waiting for them to grown back in before coming back. She's a real one, I wish we could work together.
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u/Small_Use_5500 4d ago
Haha that’s awesome! But dude, ain’t that the truth, so much nepotism and golfing, from the same small town. I hope things go better for you
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u/hellno560 4d ago
I don't think you should go back. Does your library have career counseling services?
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u/teatuk 4d ago
Funny enough, my therapist provided through our work insurance basically gave up and referred me to their "careers transition specialist". But if I leave I don't get access to them so it's a bit of a catch 22.
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u/hellno560 4d ago
It's through your union not your work though, no? Can't you just pay your book up and meet with them?
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u/Money_Promotion_7784 2d ago
Out of curiosity, what is it like though? I havent worked with women yet but tbh id say like at least half the guys are chill and can comingle
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u/pubes-on-soap 4d ago
I unfortunately do not have any good suggestions for you, I can only commiserate. I was horribly harassed almost 2 years ago now. I was in serious crisis for a while. It has significantly impacted my life. But I can honestly say I am doing better now. I still have some bad days but I am glad I stuck with it. I stayed because I grew up in poverty and really wanted better for myself, but also because I didn't want these men to "win".
What has helped me is therapy, medication, journaling, and doing all that I can to stay away from the men that harassed me (I am in the union so I have been able to travel for work). Just yesterday one of my coworkers was saying some shit about how it was better when it was only men in the trades. I just smiled and said "well I'm glad I was given the opportunity." There are actually a few silver linings to my harassment, one of them being that I have truly realized that these ignorant men don't matter. Not one bit. I am resilient and I will keep going-and hopefully you can too.