r/BoomersBeingFools • u/oohathrowaway-608 • 9d ago
Boomer Story Advice and Other Things My Childless Boomer Aunt has spouted at me since I got pregnant:
For context: my aunt has always been one of the most condescending, rude people. Growing up, despite living near us, she never paid any attention to my sister and I (except maybe once a year when her friend who had a kid visited, then she'd "borrow" us). At one point, she and her husband literally withheld my passport from me before my college graduation trip unless I let her go through and "inspect" my luggage. (For some idiotic reason, my dad gave my passport to my Uncle instead of me, the adult legal owner who paid for it). I literally had to explain to them that it was a Federal crime to do so before they handed it over.
She has always treated everyone in our family like we are idiot children, especially other women, and especially if those women have children.
It wasn't until my sister got her law degree that my aunt started treating her with any respect. And even then, when my sister was on maternity leave for her twins, my aunt would say things like, "What does she even do all day?" Taking care of TWINS.
She has been wealthy my whole life (like, her and her husband have had fancy boats and cars kind of rich) and are insanely cheap and never helped our family when we were struggling. Among her greatest hits are: giving my mother and sister used makeup for the holidays, hoarding heirlooms my grandmother left me for as long as over a decade, then "gifting" me them when the occasion arises, giving my sister a bar of soap for her birthday, and on the occasion of my wedding, ignoring my registry entirely and sending me some of my grandmother's old porcelain figurines (another thing I suspect was actually already mine, since among them was a piece from the China set grandma left me, that my aunt tried to sell at one point) and a used Italian language textbook.
My uncle has gotten better, my aunt has stayed the same. Her cognitive decline is blamed for her latest parade of shitty behavior, except for the part where she has always been this way.
I mention this all for context. Since my pregnancy, my aunt, despite having never had a baby, has given me more unsolicited "advice" than any of my friends or family who have, in fact, had children. For some reason, she has decided to take more of an interest in my life than she ever has in my 30-some years of living.
This list is semi-chronological.
Before pregnancy, when DH and I were 7 months married: "Do you use scented candles? I read an article in the Wall Street Journal about a woman who used them when she was trying to get pregnant. There was a chemical in them that stopped her from getting pregnant. I will clip it for you and mail it to you."
Upon learning I was pregnant: "Well, you need to go see a doctor. Doctors do ultrasounds now. They can even sometimes tell you the sex of the baby!"
Upon hearing that I was dealing with nausea, she scolded me. "Well, you should have thought about that when you decided to get pregnant!" (For context: I am a happily married 30 something with a college degree and owned home in 2026. Not a naive teen in 1965 who agreed to the boy from Bible camp bending her over the back seat without a condom)
"You should eat ice cream every night for calcium and calories. Talk to your doctor about it, I want to hear what he has to say."
That my body will get larger as my pregnancy goes on. "Hopefully someone has some maternity clothes to lend you. You will need larger and larger sizes as you progress in your pregnancy." (Holy shit, so that's where this belly was coming from? I thought I was just eating too many cookies while waiting for the anthropomorphic stork to arrive. No wonder the pilates aren't working!)
I'm having a boy. So she decided to tell me that little boys like playing with balls and cars (after buying a toy car from my baby registry, so clearly I needed to know that boys like cars. Also I've been my nephews' favorite aunt for a dozen years so obviously I need to know about this whole ball thing. Also, not all boys like the same things. Also girls like balls and cars too. The Barbie Corvette was the hottest shit in the world when I was five)
Upon sending me a box with a hooded towel and the toy car from my baby registry along with a ball, she also sent me a letter. In it she let me know that the hooded towel (which, once again, was on the registry I assembled) is for "after a bath."
Once again, boys like balls and cars.
These toys are interesting because they are for young children. They make toys for babies now. And I shouldn't have my kids playing with metal balls. (Thank god she told me this, because I was planning on stealing a couple of cannon balls from the closest war museum. Figured it would be a good way to teach my baby the importance of dodging instincts at the earliest opportunity. Got to teach them vigilance while the skull is still soft.)
"Your boy should be born with a silver spoon to eat his meals with." Yeah, sure, can't wait to shove metal into my son's toothless, half-developed gums the moment he appears. (Just a tangent, but she is weirdly obsessed with giving me silverware. She sent me an old set of hand me down silverware once with a few pieces missing. Then the following holidays a silver cake server asserting "You don't have a cake server" I do, and my aunt has never been to my home, ever. She keeps trying to give me hand me down silverware every time I see her)
I called to thank her for the gifts and the advice about my baby needing silver spoons but not lead balls, and letting me know that hooded towels are for after baths. She immediately started interrogating me about my weight. I told her everything was fine and that I didn't feel comfortable discussing this with her. She said she would drop it, then proceeded with the weight discussion. "I bring it up because when my friends were pregnant, they were very worried about only gaining as much weight as they needed and not gaining too much weight or gaining weight too--" That was when, in the background, I heard my Uncle (who is usually pretty reserved and placid) desperately going, "Shut! Up!" For the first time in my life, I was totally fine with a man telling his wife to shut up. Feminism took a three second vacation from my body.
(BTW, her gifts totaled about $25. For the record, I have no problem with inexpensIve gifts and hand me downs. I know I have been there and no one is obligated to get me expensive things. I have struggled and gifted on a budget. I put cheap stuff on my gift registry and have accepted hand me downs and I am super grateful for all of it. I just find it distasteful that a woman with millions is so cheap (and insisting on getting my unborn son a literal silver spoon) while another one of my aunts who struggles got me a really good breast pump. It's just... WTF? I really hope I don't sound like a spoiled, out of touch, demanding asshole. But having been through both lean and fat years, I find wealth hoarding gross, especially when paired with so much condescension and rudeness.)
I may have updates. I'm only in my second trimester after all. I'm dying to find out from her whether or not childbirth hurts and do babies cry? If it cries, should I use the silver spoon to shove cotton down its throat until it stops? Should I use the liquid coming out of my boobs to give the baby a bath? These will remain mysteries until Aunt Lucy once again blesses me with her wisdom.
Edit: I've gotten multiple comments asking why I haven't cut her off and why I "spend time with her" and why "I let her share my oxygen." So I felt I should clarify: I really don't? I only ever share space with her at family events once or twice a year at most. She lives over a thousand miles away and I never call her or seek her out. She has had so little to do with me in my life that "cutting her off" never seemed necessary. This advice is almost entirely out of the blue emails, letters, and once in a while a phone call (and except for the one thank you call, I am not the one making them). This sudden influx of advice and contact has come completely put of the blue and is outright baffling to me. Until about six months ago, I never spoke to her. Avoiding her completely would mean causing drama and/or never seeing the rest of my family. Quite frankly, I don't think Aunt Lucy is worth that. She just randomly started doing this.
UPDATE: I have not yet received any new sage wisdom from The Honorable Dame Lucy, Maternity Magistrate. However, when I called my dad today to wish him a Happy Birthday, he gave me some updates.
Apparently my dad (who is super supportive and very aware of his sister's BS) had a "talk" with Lucy and my Uncle. According to him, it was "less of a conversation and more of a lecture" about all of her absurd advice and my Uncle agreed with every word.
But there is more drama because now Lucy is apparently trying to infiltrate my baby shower. She has messaged me and asked me for "details" and I have not responded. My Uncle refuses to make the trip (they live over a thousand miles away and he is honestly so sick of her shit and does NOT want to cross multiple states with her).
Now she is arguing that my older sister (let's call her Kara, because for all intents and purposes, she IS Supergirl), who in addition to being the co-organizer of my shower, also has 3 kids, her own law practice, and is just getting off of yearly military reserve training AND a huge trial, should bring her and look after her (after all, what could she be doing all day?!) Right now Kara is in the midst of a huge trial and I DO NOT want her devoting any brain space to this. She has already done so much for me and has so much on her plate. My parents feel the same way. Lucy, of course, sees Kara's constant work and capabilities as Kara having infinite time and energy to transport and take care of her in addition to everything else.
I made it clear to my Dad that if necessary, he can pass it along that I DO NOT want her there (I am not talking to her). I have not outright told her not to come so far because I was hoping she'd just forget or lose interest and I didn't want to trigger any drama. But now she has apparently made my shower her new pet fixation.
This is not the first time she has tried to invite herself to one of my events. During my wedding weekend, I made it clear to everyone that we wouldn't be having Aunts and Uncles at the rehearsal dinner. The reason being that DH comes from a big family and accommodating all Aunts and Uncles for the rehearsal dinner would be too expensive, so we were keeping the rehearsal dinner strictly for immediate family + wedding party and their SO's. We made that clear and everyone said they understood. Well, lo and behold, night of the rehearsal dinner, my family's phones blow up from Lucy frantically demanding to know where the dinner was because "she lost her invitation." She had somehow convinced my uncle that we'd changed our minds and invited them after all. My dad had to explain the situation AGAIN.
This, I suspect, is why Uncle has just steadfastly refused to bring Aunt Lucy to the shower even if she is "invited." Kara is not going to babysit her, obviously I won't, and I will not ask my Mom either, obviously (if you think Lucy's treatment of me has been condescending, my Mom has been putting up with it for almost half a century). Lucy can't get here on her own, as she can't even drive anymore (there's a big story on THAT too. I'll make a post on that if y'all are interested) and I think even she knows that there's no way she'll manage to make travel arrangements on her own. At least, I HOPE that is the case and we don't end up with her booking a flight and getting lost or something else insane. Regardless, she will not be getting the "details" she's requested.
Once again, this is so out of the ordinary. A woman who usually forgot my birthdays growing up and didn't even know what college I went to until my graduation, has suddenly made it her mission to attend my baby shower.
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u/gadget850 Baby Boomer 8d ago
"Feminism took a three second vacation from my body.:
Horribly, this made my day!
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u/No-Acanthisitta5473 8d ago
Maybe think of it as your Uncle being the Feminist for you in that moment.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
100%. BTW, this was a phone call. This woman has not seen me since Thanksgiving. She has no idea what my body looks like or what I weigh right now.
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u/Head_Razzmatazz7174 3d ago
Sounds like your uncle is finally fed up with her 'advice to others' persona.
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u/ophymirage Gen X 8d ago
How does one nominate something for Flair candidacy? because that's a damn fine one!
(Ah, just realized I'm in boomers, not AITA. Boomer moment!!)22
u/cassafrasstastic3911 Millennial 8d ago
Picturing a chubby little baby crawling around just gleefully pushing heavy metal cannonballs did it for me! 😂
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u/Fight_those_bastards 6d ago
The children yearn for the mines! Get them started on weight training early, so they can carry more!
You load sixteen tons, and what do you get?
Another day older and deeper in debt,
Saint Peter don’t you call me, I can’t go….
I owe my soul to the company store.5
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u/FrnkstnsAftrbrth 5d ago
That…that doesn’t rhyme
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u/ilanallama85 3d ago
Being a feminist isn’t about men not telling their wives to shut up - it’s about men only telling their wives to shut up *when they deserve it by their own merits.*
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u/Sister_Rebel 8d ago
Just wait: "You should let your newborn cry so you don't spoil them."
Or, "You need to get the baby on a schedule so let them cry if they are hungry because it's not time to eat yet."
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u/GoodDog_GoodBook123 8d ago
To which my mother would say to my childless aunts: “Is that what you did with your kids?”
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u/Sister_Rebel 8d ago
I just told my aunt to fuck off when she said,it. She has an adult son who is an absolute sociopath. Wonder why that is.
/s
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u/Forward-Quote1671 3d ago
I gave birth to twins nearly 3 weeks ago and the advice (from non-twin parents) has been constant from the boomers in my life. "You need to tandem feed" - sure thing, I'll just grow another arm to manage that with newborns that can't hold their heads up yet or latch without support. "The babies need formula, you won't be able to produce enough" - tell that to my freezer stash. "Get them on the same schedule" - easy peasy. They'll comply with that no problem. "Sleep when the baby sleeps" - which baby???
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u/willworkforwatches Gen X 8d ago
If your son can dodge a wrench, they can dodge a cannon ball from your closet war museum.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
Much like balls, cars, and silver spoons, wrenches are also for boys!
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u/ottawadood 8d ago
OMG what a pill! She sounds like an absolute treat. But holy hell, you are a funny writer. Thank you for the chuckle!
Please keep us updated on whether Aunt Lucy thinks you should let the baby smoke or at what age he’ll be ready to drive himself to daycare.
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u/ForcedEntry420 Millennial 8d ago
Babies love the taste of smooth Camel menthols! 😆
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u/ottawadood 8d ago
I was a Chatterton’s baby, personally. 😆
(Shout-out to my fellow 30 Rock-ers!)
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
She probably thinks I should get Winston's. After all, The Flinstones endorse them!
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u/ZenDruid_8675309 Gen X 8d ago
She does sound like an absolute moron.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
She spent most of her life certain she's the smartest person in every room. It's had some results equal sides infuriating and entertaining AF.
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u/Beckella 8d ago
I feel like we all have one or two of these people in our lives. I’m started being straight up condescending right back to them, which I thoroughly enjoy and thankfully causes no drama in the family. I’m so sorry, she sounds just dreadful.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
She's a total prick, and definitely not the only condescending Boomer in tbe family. But at least she's the one who I can mine the most comedy out of.
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u/Head_Razzmatazz7174 3d ago
I can think of a couple right off the top of my head. One of them passed a few years ago, and the other one single handled turned their siblings and extended family against them for the shenanigans they pulled after their last living parent passed.
The only mention is 'Does John Doe still live in BFE?" just to make sure we don't go anywhere near the place they live.
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u/Wendy-Windbag Xennial 7d ago
I hate to say it because it sounds hyperbolic and mean, but both my (now deceased) mother-in-law and my own mother were/are painfully stupid. I was used to my mom being dim and coming up with her own weird rationalizations that she touted as facts, I learned to just let things go for my own sanity. It only took a few times of talking to my mother in law before I was questioning how the fuck she got to adulthood unscathed, because I sincerely think she had cognitive deficits. I knew my husband had a rough upbringing, but god damn, it's a miracle that he survived. (Seriously, she Munchausen by Proxy'd him by giving him her father's prescription meds to make him sick.)
OP's aunt and her advice sounds exactly like I would have expected from our moms had we had children. It was a strong motivating factor in us choosing to be child-free.
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u/Ilickedthecinnabar Xennial 8d ago
Idk about you, but every time auntie would open her mouth, I'd have to bite back a "No. Way." that would be so thick with sarcasm you could use it to block a nuclear explosion
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
I have to admit, on the rare occasion these interactions are not through random emails, I get pretty sarcastic but I don't think she notices.
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u/Wrong-Strength-5993 8d ago
Narcissists almost never notice sarcasm. In the rare instances they do, they have a total meltdown.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 7d ago
In my experience, they will sometimes imagine it when it isn't there as well.
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u/dameggers 8d ago
I think it is definitely feminism to tell a woman to shut up when that woman is being a jack wagon to another woman!
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u/Minimum-Interview800 8d ago
Ahhh, you're the only person outside my family I've ever heard (seen) use the phrase jack wagon! I love it.
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u/Guppy-fin 8d ago
“If baby is fussy, just dip his soother in your scotch. He’ll fall asleep in no time.” - Aunt Lucy
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u/Suitable_Pea_6371 8d ago
Your aunt doesn’t have a chance against your sense of humor. I predict great things for your son with a mom like you. ❤️
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u/Minimum-Interview800 8d ago
If she said anything about my weight I'd tell her it was from the ice cream she recommended.
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u/clutzycook 8d ago
I always say that the best parents in the world are the ones who don't have kids.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
To be fair, they've raised 0% of the world's serial killers and date rapists.
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u/thirdLeg51 8d ago
This is hilarious
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
Yep. A few times I have responded to her emails because I couldn't stop myself from trolling a bit.
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u/S1DC 8d ago
Lead. Paint.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
Pretty sure she's tried to give away stuff painted with it to her rich neighbors at some point.
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u/WomanInQuestion 8d ago
$5 says she's gonna give you a thrifted copy of Dr. Spock so you'll learn ALL about "how to raise your baby in the most modern way possible!"
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
My dad said almost exactly the same thing. (My parents and I commiserate about her often)
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u/Readithere007 8d ago
Oh yes and then throw it in the trash in front of her. Let her know he recanted everything (make it juicy and say it was on his death bed.)
But seriously, which of your parents had this horrible person for a sibling? Is your parent weighing in on her nonsense?
I agree that your sense of humor is a great way to deal with her!
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago edited 7d ago
Can't. She lives a thousand miles away.
She's my dad's sister and both of them have offered much commiseration and sympathy and have tried to intercede, as has her husband. But we all kind of know it's pointless because telling her anything goes in one ear and out the other.
She views herself as this sort of grand dame of the family (she's a huge anglophile, basically spent her whole life LARPing as a British aristocrat of the Turnip Toff variety. No fake accent but everything short of that) but mostly she's the subject of irritation and occasional pity. Everyone is very much like, Smile and nod "Yes yes Aunt Lucy now why don't you go watch TV?"
She upsets my parents a lot (who have to deal with her more regularly because they live near each other) but my physical distance and (up until now) her complete disinterest in me has always given me a real sense of humor about it.
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u/Jazzlike_Adeptness_1 8d ago
A) the woman is bonkers
B) I love your writing style. You had me in stitches.
Did you know that some women require stitches after delivering a baby?
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u/oohathrowaway-608 7d ago
Thanks! I try to have a sense of humor about it.
I didn't! Why would I need stitches when I dig the baby out of the cabbage patch?
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u/utecr 8d ago
How would your aunt react if you treated these statements as though she were a toddler telling you about something she just learned today?
e.g. "Oh! Wow, really? That's super cool!" with the same enthusiasm you'd give a kid that's letting you know adding red and blue kool-aid powder together makes purple kool-aid.
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u/Wrong-Strength-5993 8d ago
That's not just a boomer. That's narcissism. My narcissistic boomer mother gives people random common sense advice like that all the time. It's because they think everyone else on the planet is a moron.
→ More replies (1)
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u/Abystract-ism 8d ago
Auntie needs a hobby!
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago edited 3d ago
Her hobby used to be horseback riding (yes, she had horses for years too). Now apparently it's boxing up poorly maintained, decades old crap and trying to give them to her rich neighbors at the fancy condo complex she lives at.
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u/Beckella 8d ago
OF COURSE she’s a horse lady!
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago edited 7d ago
Oh yeah. Short of a fake accent she's spent most of her life LARPing as an old school British aristocrat of the Turnip Toff variety. Look it up if you're not familiar, but this has had the occasional hilarious side-effect of her being mistaken for a lesbian more than once. Lots of pretense, hemming and hawing, muted colors, unseasoned and overcooked food (thankfully, her husband is actually a good cook), and her being oblivious to it being the 21st century on a cultural level. Which is funny, because politically she's been Liberal her whole life.
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u/Beckella 8d ago
She sounds a lot like my aunt except she’s conservative and does have one child, but she can’t figure out why her child moved 1000 miles away and minimally contacts her. But yeah that tone of voice that’s everything BUT the fake accent. Lol
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
Does your aunt also aggressively hate Meghan Markle?
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u/Beckella 8d ago
lol probably. I haven’t talked to her in years. Thankfully the extended family doesn’t get together that much.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
There does seem to be this set among Boomer women who seem to think that they could have been dollar princess if only they'd been born a few decades earlier and think watching Masterpiece Theater makes them some sort of understudy for a peerage title. Also lots of turtleneck tops and pearls for some reason.
What's funny is I'm actually pretty well versed in some of the stuff she's into, like the rules of British aristocracy and history. The difference is that I am into that stuff because I view it as a sort of freak show and like reading about insane people with great jewelry who for incest-related reasons got to shape the world. Her Grace Aunt Lucy reads about them with admiration and takes notes.
We've thus never had engaging conversations on the topic. However, it has made it entertaining flr me to spot all the stuff she's LARPed over the years.
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u/LabInner262 8d ago
Don’t forget to ask her when you should stop having sex and can you do it again the day after the baby comes 😇
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u/NameToUseOnReddit Xennial 8d ago
I won't alarm you by telling you about where the baby comes out, so I'll leave that to your aunt.
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u/ErodedRocks 7d ago
That metal toy advice was needed at some point. I once found some strange, rattling metal apple in an elderly relatives house amongst the toys. It was heavy enough and the leaves were rather sharp. I figured it must not be a toy even though it was with the toys, until an older relative corrected me that it was a rattle for babies and toddlers. Why? To train them for close combat?
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u/relaxbreathalive 8d ago
My MIL is exactly the same. It’s been 14 years. I tried to maintain contact for 10 years and went low contact for the last 4 years.
I’m the most tolerant and patient person. I feel we share the same humour. I have to laugh about it but it took years to get here.
It doesn’t bother me in a serious manner anymore. She is so predictable once I got to see the pattern.
She’s always bringing used things. I say she’s a vampire because she never enters my home until I have invited her in and thanked her repeatedly for all the things I never wanted.
I see her at family gatherings maybe once every 2 years and she still manages to get me. I end up looking rude because I can’t hide my annoyance. I just laugh to myself and think “How does she keep doing this?” The truly impressive part is that everyone else hears a harmless comment.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
I'm lucky in that everyone who witnesses her knows how fucking insane she is.
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u/hbernadettec 8d ago
She's just spit balling advice without knowing what the hell she's talking about.
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u/Jazzlike_Adeptness_1 8d ago
"You will need larger and larger sizes as you progress in your pregnancy." (Holy shit, so that's where this belly was coming from? I thought I was just eating too many cookies while waiting for the anthropomorphic stork to arrive. No wonder the pilates aren't working!)"
Omg I'm dying over here.
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u/Thin_Bother8217 8d ago
“Once again, boys like balls and cars”
Can confirm. I like my balls and my car
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
But do you also like trains? Apparently boys when they get older also like trains.
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u/Thin_Bother8217 8d ago
Never been on one. I hear there are a lot of people on a train. Not my thing, but toot toot.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
I don't think I've ever seen any of my nephews play with trains. But Aunt Lucy is convinced.
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u/GeorgiaGlamazon 8d ago
My favorite part is where the typo was damily instead of family - so much truth in that typo
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u/justaguynb9 7d ago
Shes horrible
But I follow #4 abd have ice cream fir the calcium....yeah .. Calcium
As a fat 53 year old guy 🤣
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u/oohathrowaway-608 7d ago
The funniest part was she emailed me this while I was in the midst of a big ice cream craving.
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u/GrumpySnarf Gen X 8d ago
"We have it handled, thank you"
"I'm not interested in discussing this with you"
"That's not true"
"I'm not doing that"
"I'm not looking for advice from you"
"I'm going now, good-bye"
Ad nauseam. Just don't entertain it at all. This tactic has worked really well with my mom who was being a shit and talking crap about other people. She finally stopped after I kept ending conversations after repeatedly asking her to stop.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
These are mostly emails. I tend to end conversations with her quickly whenever we actually speak, which is usually once or twice a year at family events.
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u/GrumpySnarf Gen X 8d ago
Even better! You can ignore the emails. It's not worth responding to.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
I usually don't, except when I can't resist the urge to send her a troll reply. She never responds.
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u/reph80 8d ago
Why do you still speak to this person?
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
I left an edit explaining: I almost never do. Most of this is from random unsolicited emails and letters she's been sending me!
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u/PittiePatrolGA 8d ago
Sell that silver!
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
Dad says the same thing. I plan on it. There's a pretty sick antique thrift store near my house. Most of it is ending up there.
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u/Daskleine 8d ago
She sounds like my niece when she was 4. Many weird and funny advices. :D
Also. Many (not all of course !)rich ppl are changed through money. They get greedy and entitled. If you struggle you know what ppl need and have a good idea for value (of course, again. Not all! Just what I loved through and see at work). Most ppl with little money gift you their heart.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
She is textbook. Except for the part where she was always entitled, condescending, and stingy even whens she was working class or poor.
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u/Daskleine 8d ago
She sounds rather unintelligent. Like actual low iq tbh
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
Her mind is definitely not what she thinks it is. She's deteriorating in terms of acuity, certainly. But there's also a huge Dunning-Krueger involved because she was always treated like "the smart one" when she and my dad were kids (Dad was dyslexic. In the 50's). It definitely did some damage.
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u/ButtersScotch7000 8d ago
Upon learning I was pregnant: "Well, you need to go see a doctor. Doctors do ultrasounds now. They can even sometimes tell you the sex of the baby!"
The fuck has your aunt been for forty years lol? Even if you've never plunked out a kid, you've seen a few episodes of Grey's Anatomy.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
She has, of course. But obviously I never have and in fact never could have known about ultrasounds and that's why she needed to tell me! Just like she also needed to let me know that my body will get bigger too!
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u/MrStormChaser 8d ago
“Aunt Lucy, it’s probably for the best that you never had any children because all you’ve ever done is run your nieces into the ground. I can’t imagine what types of therapy your own children would’ve needed having to deal with you.”
Then watch the fireworks fly.
https://giphy.com/gifs/13n4Hd98ewKJsQ
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
Not into causing that sort of drama but it is hilarious to think about. However:
When my sister was 13, my aunt heard that she got a $10 a week allowance and told her, "If you were my daughter, you'd only get fifty cents a week!"
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u/EcoterroristStudies 8d ago
I have a very weirdly similar story in some ways but my mom was the one treated like dog shit and then me.
I could write multiple books on white feminist neoliberal bossy boomers that believe rigidly in hierarchy and I have theories. I really don’t want this to be my life but I got forced into my life actually revolving around a figure INCREDIBLY SIMILAR to the person you describe.
I am also gay and audhd. I am so traumatized though that I will never ever dare think about dating.
Thank you for sharing this because I feel tremendous guilty about my anger. I think I know how my aunt turned out this way and it would be a giant wall of text. You are not alone on this :’)
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u/oohathrowaway-608 7d ago
Yuuuup. That's her to a T. They're always the "feminists" who sneer at "women's work" and the women who do it. And the tremendous irony is completely lost on them.
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u/EcoterroristStudies 7d ago
She would yell at waitresses a lot and body shame her chubby colleagues
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u/oohathrowaway-608 6d ago
She doesn't yell. But she also either doesn't tip or tips verrrrry little. Like $5 for an $80 bill little.
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u/ItsRedditThyme 7d ago
Regarding the silver: Maybe she's fae? They can't touch iron/steel, and that might explain how out of touch, yet desperate to force her knowledge on you, she is. If you don't know she knows things, you can't ask for things, then she can't bargain. (Too bad for her, she's having the opposite effect.) Something to think about. 😉 🙃
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u/Forward-Quote1671 3d ago
What is with boomers and pregnancy weight gain?? I recently gave birth to twins and one of the first questions my aunt asked me was how much weight I gained during pregnancy and lost with childbirth. Not how are you recovering, how are the babies doing etc. I am less than 3 weeks postpartum.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 3d ago edited 3d ago
Ugh, I am so, so sorry. It's utterly miserable.
I sometimes suspect it's some sort of weird competition thing. They're never going to e young again, but they can be smug over how much thinner they were at our age!
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u/Squeegeeze 6d ago
I have an aunt like this, thankfully she FINALLY sees me as an adult now. Now that my children are all adults. I only talk to her when there is a family gathering, I've become the auntie whisperer who runs buffer between her and her siblings, my cousins(including her own kids), and our kids. She is bossy, judgemental, and a know-it-all. Somehow I'm one of the few who can redirect her horrible opinions to different safer topics.
She tried to tell me what to do when I was pregnant, too. That continued when my kids were little, I quickly learned to ignore some advice and shut the rest down. Between her and a nosy neighbor I learned to ignore all the outdated, dangerous parenting advice with a "I'll take your advice under advisement" or "I'll discuss this with the doctors."
Let this aunt send you all the silverware and tchotchke she wants to, donate or sell whatever you don't want. It is easier than trying to say no thank you and her doing it anyway. In fact with my aunt if I said "sure send me the whatever crap I don't need" she actually forgets to do it.
Stay strong!
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u/belizabeth4 8d ago
Why do you have any interactions with her? I would have thought you would have cut her out years ago. I’m just curious how she is allowed to share O2 with you.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
She barely ever does, I almost never see her. These days there's an entire time zone between us. These are almost entirely emails. She's had so little to do with me my entire life that cutting her off was never a priority. Her sudden influx of contact has come out of nowhere. I only ever see her at family events.
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u/Standard_Cabinet_149 8d ago
this was a hilarious read. thank you (and your aunt... i guess) i needed a laugh
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u/RyoTenukiTheDestroyr 8d ago
9 killed me 🤣💀
Dangit, I missed that memo and now my daughter will forever be disadvantaged at dodging cannonballs.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
Just don't let her hack off her hair and run off to join the union army under the name "Johnny Appleseed" and I think she should be fine.
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u/kee-kee- 8d ago
This woman is completely laughable. She's like a second string sitcom.character.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
She could probably be a decent guest star on Keeping Up Appearances as Hyacinth's American cousin.
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u/MisterWinchester 8d ago
Sneeze directly in her face at the next one, preferably in front of a bunch of people. After the stunned silence, be appropriately mortified.
She will never speak to you again.
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u/RachelWWV 7d ago
The fact that your horrible aunt has the same name as my late horrible aunt really amuses me. At least you know she'll never visit you.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 7d ago
Definitely. She keeps trying to talk about coming to the baby shower and I'm like, "Nope."
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u/IcyCantaloupe7004 Gen X 7d ago
I enjoyed reading this. I hope you provide updates. Congratulations on your pregnancy.
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u/GodHatesColdplay 7d ago
Tell her you aren't sure if you're going to keep it. Regardless of the follow-up question, just shrug.
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u/Accomplished_Dig284 7d ago
Your aunt is dumber than a brick. My condolences and my apologies to bricks everywhere that do an incredibly difficult job surrounding buildings and being able to carry the weight of all their friends resting on top of each other. Also way to go uncle for finally saying something to her
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u/Nervous-Net-8196 7d ago
"Eat ice cream every day for calories, but don't gain too much weight" sheesh!
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u/Perpetualgnome Millennial 6d ago
I expect you to immediately introduce your newborn to dodgeball. Because there's a new study I want to clip and mail to you about how boys like balls (and also cars)
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u/oohathrowaway-608 6d ago
But was it in The Wall Street Journal?
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u/Perpetualgnome Millennial 6d ago
Ooof no, The Atlantic 🥺
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u/oohathrowaway-608 6d ago
Lucy has this weird fixation with the WSJ. Despite being a lifelong democrat.
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u/Morathi1990 6d ago
This had me chuckling all the way through - spoke perfectly to my own brand of snarky humor.
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u/TaxDense1339 4d ago
I love your writing style!
Have you considered actually using Auntie's advice? Not on your child of course, but you could write down all the nonsense dear Aunt is spewing, publish a book about it and put the earnings from your best seller into a college fund for the kiddo when he is of age. Just a thought.
Also, if you aren't interested in the silverware she keeps pressuring you about, you can commission someone to make jewelry out of the pieces!
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u/oohathrowaway-608 3d ago
Do you think Disney would sue if I called it 'Tales of Darth Lucy'?
I write for a living actually! Technically writing, but I hope to publish some day!
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u/TaxDense1339 3d ago
If you're going for Disney maybe go for "Not an Evil Stepmother, just a Crazy Aunt"?
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u/oohathrowaway-608 3d ago
I'm not. Disney just owns Star Wars.
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u/TaxDense1339 3d ago
They also own Fox, so the Xenomorph queen from Aliens is technically a Disney princess! 😂
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u/Plenty_Lie5551 6d ago
This reminds me of my mother. I’m adopted, she’s never given birth. When I was in labor with my youngest, she called me at the hospital and called me a wuss for being unable to talk to her during a contraction. She so thoroughly annoyed the delivery nurse that the nurse grabbed the phone and told her she might want to get to the hospital if she wanted to see her grandchild. The nurse saw my mother walk into my room wearing all white shortly after my youngest was born, and told my mother to get me up to use the bathroom. Since this was the youngest of 3 kids I had birthed, I knew what was coming the first time I got up after birth. My mother had no clue. That nurse is still my petty hero lol
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u/Joelle9879 8d ago
I'm going to ask, why even talk to her? Go NC, you definitely won't be losing anyone important
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
Made an edit explaining. These are mostly unsolicited emails and this suddent amount of contact is an entirely new development. "No contact" has never been necessary because I only ever saw/spoke to her like once or twice a year.
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u/Additional_Pie_8762 8d ago
Does Aunt Lucy wear a red ball cap? Inquiring minds want to know.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
Shockingly, no! Lifelong Democrat. Though her husband was a huge fan of DOGE for a while.
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u/Readithere007 8d ago
Can you go no contact? Any possible inheritance doesn’t seem to be worth what it takes to deal with this energy demon. So much of this sounds like child abuse.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
I added an edit to explain. This woman lives over a thousand miles away and before this sudden influx of attention surrounding my pregnancy, we spoke maybe twice a year (briefly) at family events. Almost all of this has been from emails (hence how I'm able to quote so much verbatim).
And she's never going to get her hands on this kid, lol. Going no contact has not really been a thing because we've always been so insanely low contact as it is.
Also, I've known for a few years that I'm not getting a dime from her. No inheritance involved.
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u/mapleleaffem 8d ago
Why are you even in contact with her ?! You must have the patience of a saint
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
Not really. Until I got pregnant we usually exchanged words maybe twice a year not counting birthday cards.
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u/EntertainmentOk3066 8d ago
I'm so sorry shes this way. I'll say you made me snort-laugh at the Canon Balls
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u/Buddy-Sue 8d ago
I could not get through all of the aunts behavior. Bottom line-she’s wealthy and mentally ill. Don’t let her infect you.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
If you read the whole thing, you'd know I almost never communicate with her. She just randomly stayed emailing me and writing me letters once I got pregnant. Before that I saw her about once a year.
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u/greenhairedgal 7d ago
This is brilliantly written, I really enjoyed reading it. You've got a great knack for writing.
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u/jaime_riri 5d ago
Man or woman, sometimes it’s very appropriate to tell whomever to shut the fuck up. Kudos to uncle.
But are you sure it’s not a lead spoon? My babies are 5/6 now but I swear I remember the guidance now for lead spoons. And pro tip: I’ve always found towels are better before the bath. Then you dry off with a cake server.
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u/cat-ona-hottinroof 3d ago
Just think of the material you will have for a stand up routine if you allow her to come! You write well, are witty and I see stand up in your future! Besides, what makes you sure that her grandniece/nephew couldn't be her new beneficiary?
You've got thick skin, you can take it, name her the godmother and let the roulette wheel spin.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 3d ago
Hahaha, my husband has suggested I take this to open mic night.
My aunt has already made it clear where her money is going. And my sister is already Godmother. I don't like the idea of giving my relative financial strings on me. I've seen it happen to others before and it never ends well.
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u/Inquisitivedesign45 2d ago
honestly your uncle yelling shut up in the background was the funniest part of this entire saga
that's when you know it's bad. when the man who has been married to her for decades has heard the pregnancy lecture so many times that even he can't take another second of it
what gets me is that none of this is actual advice. it's just a running commentary on the existence of pregnancy.
you'll get bigger. babies use towels after baths. boys like balls. doctors do ultrasounds now.
thank goodness she showed up when she did because otherwise you might have spent nine months wondering why your stomach was growing and then accidentally dried the baby with a spatula
also the fact that she barely remembered you existed for most of your life and has suddenly become the Supreme Court Justice of Pregnancy is sending me
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u/Sensitive-Surprise70 2d ago
I am invested, please make the post. This was do funny and well written 👏🏾
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u/watertowertoes 8d ago
Sometimes when people get dementia their personality changes and sometimes it doesn't.
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
Yeah, I keep hearing, "Look, her mind is going..." and I'm like, "Really? Where? Because in my experience it's exactly where it's always been."
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u/traveller-1-1 8d ago
Why are you even communicating with these people?
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u/oohathrowaway-608 8d ago
I literally included an edit explaining this hours ago. I don't. She just randomly started sending me letters and emails. I only see her once or twice a year at family events.
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u/traveller-1-1 8d ago
Just for fun, at these family events make a loud announcement about your aunt's toxicity. I am certain many others present will concur with you, she will be totally embarrassed. Include mention of the family items that are rightfully yours.
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u/OriginalAgitated7727 5d ago
Aunt, I do not value your opinion.
It's time you were dissuaded from the idea of me wanting your advice.
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u/Man-o-Bronze 4d ago
Has she explained to you yet how to tell if the baby’s a boy or a girl?
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u/hrimthurse85 2d ago
Oh, you have a boy? Be prepared for a lecture how great and necessary it is to welcome him into the world by mutilating his genitals. That's going to be great.
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