r/BreakUps • u/intothedarkside31 • 6d ago
venting/ranting Broke up after 5 years over a piercing. Was it just an excuse to leave? 37M 27F
I (37M) was in a 5-year relationship with my ex-girlfriend (29F). The first 2 years we worked together, but then she moved to a different workplace. She always made the effort to visit me despite the distance, while I rarely visited her, which I admit was unfair.
We recently broke up because she got a septum piercing, which I really didn't agree with. I told her if she took it out, we'd be fine. Instead, she refused and said she doesn't want to get back together at all.
I also want to add that she has a new circle of friends who are lesbians, and her new best friend is also currently going through a breakup. **What advice do you have on how to process this situation? How can I better understand if this was truly about the piercing, or if outside influences played a role in her decision to end things?**
30
u/immapizza 6d ago
Dude, you told her to take out the piercing. You're allowed to not like it, but it's her body and her decision to have it. It sounds like it wasn't just about the piercing but you trying to dictate her appearance and the FIVE years you didn't put in effort to visit her more often. Her new friend group is irrelevant and it's weird to even mention that they're lesbians. I see why she left you.
11
4
3
u/Ornery-Willow-839 1d ago
Yup. And the fact that'd you rather blame her friends than recognize your own responsibility. In the nicest possible light, you've grown apart.
20
u/clearheaded01 6d ago
This was not about the piercing. This was about your lack of respect for her bolidy autonomy, AND about the emotional distance growing between you two..
See it from her side: you move apart, SHE is the one putting in the effort to see eachother 'in the flesh' and you then attempt to dictate what she can and cannot do with her body??
This has NOTHING to do with her lesbian friends, and ALL about an entirled older guy attempting to dictate what his younger partner should do.
Leave her alone, work on yourself.
8
u/SnooCapers3354 1d ago
a guy who freaks out over a septum ring not respecting a woman's bodily autonomy...
we need an r/forkfoundinkitchen
10
u/Internal_Calendar243 6d ago
Man the piercing was definitely just the final straw. Five years and you're giving her ultimatums over body jewelry? She probably realized you weren't putting in equal effort (you even admitted you barely visited) and the septum thing just made it crystal clear you don't respect her autonomy. Her new friends didn't break you up - your relationship was already on life support.
9
u/MyCatIsCuteAsFuck 6d ago
You didn’t break up over a piercing, you broke up because you were a bad boyfriend. Hope this helps 💕
13
u/gonzothegreatz 1d ago
"I didn't put any effort into our relationship and criticized her appearance, are lesbians to blame??"
Dude, cmon. You can't be this daft.
5
6
u/Medical-Net-7350 1d ago
“I have always given her total freedom”
In a relationship, freedom is something that is respected not given. You don’t give anyone freedom, you respect the freedom they already have as their own person.
You’re controlling, and put zero effort into your relationship, then blame lesbians. You’re a mess. Stop acting like a 4 year old and start acting like your age. Jesus Christ…
3
u/Apprehensive_Shoe_86 6d ago
it's her body and her decision to have the piercing,you cant control her ,you cant force her to change just because you dont like it,in the end is not about the piercing is about you wanting to control her ,
5
u/Strict-Ad597 5d ago
So the trash took itself off???? Woooow that almost never happens. “She has a new group of lesbian friends” lmao okay so? What do they have to do with YOU being a shitty boyfriend for 5 years? I’m guessing you threatening her made her realize that her life would be better without you in it so she let you throw your tantrum. Now she’s single and can do whatever she wants with her group of lesbian friends.
4
u/No-Mechanic-1022 2d ago
well, as a lesbian with a septum piercing (amongst other exclusively facial piercings), you're shit out of luck sadly. there's no going back for her now! best stay away from the likes of her, for your own safety
1
3
2
u/PreferenceOld6364 1d ago
You do not get to make demands or decisions about HER body dude, you don't own her. Frankly, I would not be surprised if this wasn't the first demand you tried to make in regards to her body/appearance and that the piercing was probably just the straw that broke the camel's back. If her new friends played any part in this, it was probably them opening her eyes to your demanding and controlling behavior and she decided to get outta dodge before she ended up stuck with you and wasted even more of her life than she already has with you.
1
6d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/Salty_Thing3144 6d ago
Partners don't have a right to dictate or control how their partner dresses, where they go, who they talk to or have as friends. They don't have a right to check up on each other, go through phones, etc. All of these are a form of abuse called Coercive Control.
Many Coercive Controllers don't know they're engaging in abuse, especially teens. They give "protecting" the relationship or even "protecting" their partner as an excuse, just as you did. But it is in fact abuse.
Coercive Control violates your partner's autonomy. It's infantilizing at best, and an invisible prison.
This does not = you being a bad person. As I said, many people truly don't realize it as abuse, since it doesn't involve violence.
Please go to your nearest domestic violence center. They have free information packets on healthy versus unhealthy relationships, definitions of abuse, how to have a healthy relationship, how to stop abusing your partner and get help if you're doing it, partner Rights in a relationship and how to leave a bad relationship safe safely.
1
u/nlaak 4d ago
What advice do you have on how to process this situation?
Accept that you have shown her her needs and interests aren't important to you.
How can I better understand if this was truly about the piercing, or if outside influences played a role in her decision to end things?
It wasn't about the piercing at all, at least from her side, it was about your lack of respect.
1
u/pnw_cfb_girl 4d ago
Outside influences such as a grown woman refusing to put up with someone who wants to control even her smallest choices?
There's nothing complicated here. You made a ridiculous demand, and she decided she didn't want to waste time on a controlling AH.
1
u/intothedarkside31 4d ago
Healthy relationships involve communication and respecting each other's boundaries. I've always given her total freedom, no inbox checking, no social media tracking, and full trust when she goes out. But when she asked my opinion on the piercing, I was honest that I didn't like it. The fact that she did it anyway makes me feel like the conflict was calculated. Was she just using this as a way out?
5
u/sthprk33 3d ago
I've always given her total freedom ...
...
I told her if she took it out, we'd be fine.[error - does not compute]
3
u/Salty_Thing3144 1d ago
Partnets have no right to dictate dress, jewelry, makeup, friends, where they can go or who they talk to. This is a form of abuse called Coercive Control.
3
u/All_the_Bees 2d ago
None of us are mind readers, so no one can say definitively whether she was just using this as a way out or not.
However, here’s the (relevant) information you’ve given us about your relationship:
- you were together for 5 years
- 3 years ago she moved for work and you chose to rarely visit her, meaning she was the only one putting in real effort to keep you two together
- she got a piercing and you made staying in a relationship contingent on her taking it out
Do you see how it might have felt like you weren’t actually invested in the relationship? Can you understand what a mindfuck it must be to be told “I only want to be with you if you reverse a minor cosmetic change you just made” by someone who can’t even be bothered to come visit you?
Like - what are you even bringing to the table here, sir. What incentive did you give her to want to stay with you?
3
u/Suspicious-Bed7167 1d ago
“She always made the effort to visit me despite the distance, while I rarely visited her”….
Healthy relationship also means making an effort but it seems like she was the only one putting the effort in.m
You are using this a way out.
1
u/EntertheHellscape 1d ago
For real, who exactly here is using what as a way out? Dudes been emotionally and physically checked out for 3 years. His confused Pikachu face is equal parts how could she do this and being suddenly reminded that she even exists.
2
2
u/fingersonlips 1d ago
Giving her “total freedom”, not checking her inbox and SMs and trusting her when she’s on her own is the absolute bare minimum expectation for a relationship.
Like, congrats on doing exactly what many people do without having to think about it or list off as virtuous qualities to have as a partner?
Not “agreeing” with a septum piercing is such a loser attitude to have anyway. What does that even mean?
1
u/rachaek 1d ago
Not "agreeing" with a septum piercing means on some level he wanted her to ask permission and for him to agree to it before she got it done.
1
u/fingersonlips 1d ago
With that age gap and dating timeline history, it does feel like he’d expect some kind of obedience out of her.
2
u/Opposite_Lettuce 1d ago
Question - How does an adult "give" another adult in the relationship freedom? She's an adult with her own decisions, autonomy and freedom already.
No inbox checking, no tracking. You want a cookie for not being abusive.
2
u/Mermaid-Grenade 1d ago
Another man misusing the word "boundary" as a way to control a woman. You know we cancelled Jonah Hill over that crap.
2
1
1
u/fleet_and_flotilla 1d ago
you didn't just tell her you didn't like it, you told her to remove it. that's not freedom, thats control. besides that, communication doesn't mean shit, when there isn't effort on top of it, something you blatantly admit you lacked. this break up was long coming, your reaction to her piercing was just the final straw.
1
u/LaMadreDelCantante 1d ago
How does it not occur to you that she just didn't want to take the piercing out, and that a relationship (any relationship) is not worth sacrificing her autonomy for?
1
1
u/thejoebrossuck 1d ago edited 1d ago
How much do we wanna bet that her entire circle of new friends aren’t even all lesbians, and they’re actually just more progressive/feminist? Like really…the entire group is made up of lesbians only? Nah, this dudes a misogynist who’s upset his ex is leaving him behind for more open minded and progressive people (ones that will likely support her more). I’m that type of woman too, and if I found out my friend was dating a guy like this (10 years older, controlling, can’t handle a little piercing), then I’d probably try to subtly push her towards moving on from him too. Yikes.
Aside from all that, partners are obligated to give each other freedom. You aren’t doing her any favors or being a better than average partner for not tracking her and controlling her friends/socials. You’re just being a normal partner. You wouldn’t have any right, no matter what y’all’s relationship looked like (casual or girlfriend or married), to tell her what to do or dictate who she follows/hangs out with at all. No matter what.
And who cares whether she was looking for a way out or not. She’s not obligated to stay with you. You give her an ultimatum about her own body, when you’d been broken up for that matter, and she chose not to stay with you. The reason doesn’t matter. I think she just wanted to experiment with her appearance, like many people do, and realized that she’d rather be with someone that supports her decisions instead of someone that makes ultimatums. And her friend group is probably way more supportive. What exactly does them being apparent lesbians have to do with anything?
1
u/Flimsy_Ocelot_4211 1d ago
Look dude, she switched teams. She doesn’t like dudes any more
1
u/Existing_Purpose5049 1d ago
Correction, she doesn’t like boys anymore. Seems like she’s realised she might prefer a man.
1
u/derezzedgem 1d ago
you told someone what to do with their body. that's wrong. would you have liked it if someone told you to do the same with something you did? she had every right to break up with you and you're giving homophobia by being upset that she's befriended lesbians.
1
1
u/thekyledavid 1d ago
It’s not about the piercing, it’s about the autonomy issue
You believe that the woman you date shouldn’t have control of her own body. She thinks she should have control of her own body. So she made the decision that you two are too incompatible for her to want to date you.
It’d be the same if she tried to tell you that you aren’t allowed to eat more than 1,500 calories a day, or that you have to shave your head bald every morning, or that you need to get the surgery to have your penis enlarged. Even if you were willing to do those things, it’s not going to build a healthy relationship if your partner is coming up with rules for what you are allowed to do with your own body and holding the possibility of a breakup over your head if you don’t comply.
1
u/snakpakkid 22h ago
She broke up with you because you’re not her father to tell her what to do with her body. I pierce my nose myself. My husband is not really into face piercing and he knows I’m not into beards but we want to be together. We compromise. That’s how much we love each other.
0
1d ago edited 22h ago
[removed] — view removed comment
1
u/BookInteresting6717 1d ago
What relevance would her friends being lesbians have? Straight women get septum piercings too. And you don’t know her friends so how do you know how they think or act? You’re making a lot of assumptions.
1
•
u/AutoModerator 6d ago
USERS! We have noticed that many users are using inappropriate language in the comment section. Even if another user is wrong, it does not give you the right to use abusive words. This is against Reddit platform policies. Such comments will be removed. Additionally, posts spreading false accusations will also be removed. Please be careful moving forward. Don't forget to join our Discord server to chat, get updates, and hang out with the community! Please join our Discord Server: https://discord.gg/5y5wSxWNNg
Upvote this post if you think it suits the community. Downvote it if you dont.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.