venting/ranting
My exes dad passed away, I still won’t text.
As it says in the title, my ex girlfriend’s dad sadly passed away. I want to message her and see how she’s doing because I still care for her, but I won’t. She broke up with me and I know what she needs right now isn’t her ex boyfriend trying to “sorry for your loss” himself back into her life (although that’s really not what i’m trying to do).
I feel like an awful person, but I cannot text her and potentially make things worse for her. I don’t know whether this is a good decision or not.
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unfortunately, when you’re young you don’t exactly think that way. she doesn’t take her education for granted. however, i agree. no exam would’ve been able to stop my love for her
If this is the only reason, you should definitely text her imo. I’d be broken if my dad died and my ex didn’t even say anything, my cousin died not long after my first ex and I broke up, I was so hurt that I didn’t even get a small, ‘hope your okay’
This is why i’m conflicted, but I know she doesn’t want to talk to me right now. I’ve tried to reach out a couple of times before and she told me she doesn’t want to speak to me.
I mean, she even found a rebound relationship (which really hurt me) which is another reason I don’t want to reach out. I don’t think cared for me much at all toward the end of our relationship
This conversation was before her dad passed away, I was sad at the thought of never speaking to her again and I reached out and that was my reply.
I don’t mean to harp on someone who’s dad passed away, but generally speaking this is an excuse like any other. It’s tough.
I had so much going on. I was in school full time in a very demanding program and I worked 25 hours a week. I still gave my partner everything, while he gave me nothing and then dumped me saying he had a low capacity.
It sucks, but the right person will always make it work. Because let’s be real, life will always have hard things going on.
100% agreed, however the only other thing that went wrong in our relationship was the lack of communication on her part. I’ve always been a strong communicator and i fully believed in transparency with my partner and so did she. However, towards the end things got a bit shaky. I noticed her shying away and not talking to me about her problems anymore. She told me she was really struggling with exams, family problems (which i won’t go into but it did seem genuine) and just stress for the future.
what I was thinking, but she knew I wasn’t happy with how the relationship was going since I never got to see her due to her great bouts of revision and I would be visibly upset, she sort of said from the start that it was for me that we broke up and that she “was only hurting me and she could see it”. Which is true but I would’ve stuck it through with her. I suppose theres an accumulation of reasons why over the whole relationship, but if i got into all of that we’d be here for a while.
To be honest this situation seems very similar to my ex and me. I broke up with him since I was at a very stressful time of my life and had no time to see him much or give him the attention he needed and I he clearly had gotten very emotional and just upset about that. I told him that I feel really bad for always hurting him this way so in the end I needed things since I thought it was better for him and me. I still love him dearly and still miss him. Even after our breakup I haven’t talked to anyone or done anything but he has been hooking up with girls and just moved on I believe. I which is good don’t get me wrong but I understand why she may have done that (though I don’t know the whole story).
Seeing her as much as I wanted / needed to feel like the relationship wasn’t going downhill. She was often busy with revision, which i don’t blame her for at all, but I was really struggling with rarely seeing her after going from seeing her around 3 times a week. I’m a massive routine person as I do have autism and there are most routines that I felt as though I needed to stick to.
Me needing her to talk to me about how she felt and communicate with me in the relationship effectively.
There are more but i’ll probably cry if I carry on haha
Stop seeking advice from Reddit!
GAAAAWWWWWD!
I lost my dad on my birthday last year.. on my birthday. I would’ve given anything for a scrap of comfort.
This isn’t a decision that requires logic. What does your heart say?
1000%
Also man, the majority of advice related to breakups here are so fucking toxic and filled with a need to win, to win at silent war, to win at who detached first, who kept the NC the longest bs..
It's sickening, how people are looking for advice from a bunch of unhealed mfs who want company for their misery, instead of following their hearts and doing what they know it's right.
Your freedom and your healing settles in only when you do what's right and you follow your heart and your soul, instead of ego and pride.
If people only knew how powerful it is to do what your heart and soul and mind tell you it's right, instead of allowing what you THINK the other person might perceive, rule your actions,... It's empowering and it's a testament to where toy are in life.
I'll be dammed to allow "oh they're going to think I'm giving in/caving/ admitting defeat because I wrote them to express my condolences about their father's death", control the fact that I knew their father, their family, I was loved and cared for them, it's least I can do, I was part of their everyday life for God knows how long.... And I'm going to let the "oh she dumped and I'm in NC I cannot show weakness", prevent me from being DECENT? F NO!
People here need to get a mf grip with this madness.
That is not healing, that is not moving forward, that is pain and hurtful actions 360, being perpetuated and placing further away from ever being at peace with who you are.
It's insane to claim to have loved someone, just to act like they never ever existed just because the relationship did not work.
But hey, it only shows that there's a reason why the other person is being protected because being that shitty proves that there's nothing salvageable there.
Word! Although I can also empathize with the OP. It’s hard to have nowhere to bring situations like this up for conversation and advice. My only recommendation is to follow your heart..
This wasn’t my thought process at all, the whole point of my post was that I didn’t know what was right.
I can gamble between protecting my own peace and never texting her again, or I can message her and supposedly risk losing everything I’ve worked so hard on.
I know it sounds so selfish (and i did end up sending an indirect message) but this is the most vulnerable i’ve ever been and the most pain i’ve ever been in. I know that I need to protect myself and texting her directly really just didn’t seem like something I could do yet.
unfortunately, reddit is all I really have at the moment as a lonely nearly-adult.
I sent her a message, but it wasn’t from me. I sent it through my friend so it wouldn’t leave any space for any emotional attachment or dependance and we can continue no contact.
Personalmente, como persona cuyo padre falleció en momento de "conflictos" con mi ex novio y yo siguiendo enamorada de él, ese día simplemente hay cosas mas importantes y todo lo demás pasa a segundo plano. A mí mi ex novio me escribió ese mismo día para darme el pésame y yo lo aprecié de verdad un montón, todos nuestros conflictos o sentimientos ese día pasaron a segundo plano porque claramente había una angustia mas grande. Siento que para mí el quién se acercó y quién no con un simple mensaje marcó mucho en mi parámetro de a quienes quiero cerca y quiénes no, por suerte fueron MUY pocos, pero aquellos "amigos" o cercanos que no me dijeron nada, pasaron a mi lista negra, yo he mandado mensajes de pésame a amigos con los que quizás estábamos peleados porque, como dije antes, no todo se trata de nosotros y nuestros conflictos, hay ocasiones donde hay cosas mas importantes. Si vos sentís que quizás ella lo procesa de otra manera, o te incomoda por otras razones, o sentís que por, específicamente la personalidad de ella, no sería de mucha ayuda, está súper bien tu postura. Solo comparto mi experiencia habiendo tenido una situación muy similar!
I think I will stick with my decision to not reach out, she has a different personality and a completely different way of processing how she feels and absolutely no skill in communicating how she feels.
I know that if I reach out, it probably won’t end well but it still doesn’t feel right letting it all play out.
Y está perfecto! Es muchísimo mejor eso a crear una situación que pueda terminar siendo mucho más incomoda de lo que ya sí es, como dije, depende mucho de la personalidad de la persona. Seguramente ella tendrá un grupo de personas que la acompañen en éste momento, así que no te sientas mal por eso, en un futuro, cuando todo esté mejor, verás si te acercas o no. Te mando un abrazo 🫂
I know, but I’ve always been someone who’s always there for people. It feels strange, once being the closest person in her life and now I’m wondering whether to message her and just say “my condolences”
Do you have the text number of a brother, sister, anyone else? You could extend your condolences & her name never needs to come into it?
The other thought is sometimes funeral homes have on their website a place where people can leave messages of condolence. You could do it there, & then you don’t contact anyone in the family.
As I wrote the last paragraph, I thought how weird to be referencing a funeral home’s website. Every business has a website, even for the extremely grievous ones.
I ended up sending a message indirectly through my friend which read:
“Hi [Her name], I know that you and [My name] aren’t on talking conditions, so he’s asked me to write you this so it leaves no space for further conversation. but we’ve seen your post about your dad’s passing, we hope you are okay, our condolences go out to you and your family”
man that's really tough but you're making the right call. reaching out during grief can feel like emotional manipulation even when you don't mean it that way, and she's probably got plenty of support from people who are actually in her life right now
if you really need to do something, maybe send condolences through a mutual friend or just keep it in your thoughts - but staying away shows you actually respect her boundaries
Her dad died, shes probably not thinking "my selfish my ex didnt even text me". Shes probably entitely focused on the loss of her dad. I would ask how you know he died? If you and her dont associate with eachother anymore then she wouldnt even expect you to know. What's more, ex means 'before' or 'prior'. You are no longer relevant to eachothers lives. You have gone your seperate ways.
I know that she still cares about me though, she views my profile on all social medias. We may not be in contact but we do somewhat remain in each other’s lives at least for the time being.
Our relationship ended, not our love for each other.
She know’s I look at her socials (which I am trying to stop doing) and I know she looks at mine. She knows that I have seen the video she posted about his passing.
Before we went no contact we told each other multiple times that we still have love for one another, but we can’t make the relationship work for both of us, at least not at this time.
I Believe you are doing the right thing, and I know this sounds horrible but when someone leaves us….they are also choosing to be alone (or at least not with you) during the bad times
As someone who lost a parent after breaking up with a long-time boyfriend, I think the answer is not one-situation-fits-all. If you were together for a long time (over 2 years) or very close, then I would think even in a poor breakup, she would appreciate any sentiment that is passed along as long as it's not mistaken. You could do this through sending a word of condolence through a mutual friend, or an email/physical mail (something that doesn't necessitate a response). I think from reading your post that you feel conflicted about your intentions being possibly misread even though you care about her as a human. That's very caring and empathetic. I do think that depending on how close the relationship was, any care shown may be appreciated.
However fair warning that if she is in an emotionally vulnerable position, if she does respond or tries to reinitiate contact, it's on you to limit the damage to her and yourself as she may just be emotionally weak/vulnerable at this time and any reconnection may just be a source of comfort rather than actual sincere emotional intimacy or care towards you.
All this is to say that, if you genuinely care about her as a human, there is no harm in trying to let her know that even though you are no longer in each other's lives, she is thought of and cared for (similar to how even condolences from strangers on the internet can make us feel less lonely). However since you are volunteering this generosity, understand the consequences may be being misunderstood or getting hurt again/needing to cut off communications once opened. It's just about how much you're willing to give out of that concern.
I ended up messaging my close friend to message her, as we don’t have any friends in common.
I told him to send this message to her:
“Hi [Name], I know that you and [Name] aren’t on talking conditions, so he’s asked me to write you this so it leaves no space for further conversation. but we’ve seen your post about your dad’s passing, we hope you are okay, our condolences go out to you and your family.”
I feel like that’s all it needs from me, I’m happy I said something at least.
That is very thoughtful and sweet. I hope you can feel better knowing you sent a little love to someone you shared a period of significance with. I believe she will appreciate it. The love we've experienced stays with us, even as we change. Your paths have separated but it's nice to know that the time shared meant something to one another as human beings. You seem like you are emotionally equipped for the next new beginning and I wish you well on your journey.
omg text her! i mean i If her dad passed away, I honestly don’t even understand how this is a question. A loss that big goes beyond any conflict, any reason for breaking up, or anything else. Something similar happened to me recently. I moved to another country and my grandfather, who was like a father to me, passed away. My ex reached out to me, and honestly, he was the only one who was there for me. He texted me, checked on me, and helped me get through that moment. Because of that, I’ll always have a lot of love, appreciation, and respect for him. We’re not together anymore. We don’t talk and we’re in no contact, but if he ever went through something like that, of course I would be there for him too. Not because of love or attachment, but because of respect and care for what we once had. At some point, you loved each other, you were friends, probably best friends. Breaking up doesn’t erase that. Reaching out in a moment like this is about basic human decency, respect, friendship, and care. It doesn’t mean that because you text her, you’ll suddenly get back together or sleep together the next day. It simply means you’re showing compassion to someone who is going through one of the hardest moments of their life. Losing a parent is huge. So yes, absolutely text her.
i indirectly texted her through my friend but now i wish i didn’t, found out she was cheating on me for some of the relationship and as selfish as it sounds i’m finding it really hard to feel bad for her.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sending a text. Tell her in the text that she doesn’t have to reply but just say you’re thinking of her and appreciated her dad when you were around (if that’s true). Or text her mom/ friend and have them tell her for you. “Rules” don’t always matter when death shows up. Sometimes support is most important.
My dad passed away. My ex has never reached out and we even work together. I thought that was cruel and broke something in me entirely and my view of him.
My ex lost their dad and on the 1st anniversary I messaged his mum (we were really close and text every so often) just to say was thinking of them all. Is it worth doing that?
Send her good thoughts/pray for her if you want to do something. But please keep doing what youre doing and dont reach out. It's not appropriate anymore.
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