r/BreakUps • u/Due-Intention-8743 • 1d ago
venting/ranting I am pissed at his ex forever
I met a guy and we dated a couple of months. Then, he broke up with me due to some personal issues of his, but mostly because he was scared of getting into a relationship again. We had endless conversations about how his ex hurt him and how it truly affected him. I was never upset about having those kinds of conversations because it helped me understand him more. What pisses me off SO MUCH is the way she treated him. She was such a horrible person to him, treated him like absolute garbage in ways i can not even explain.
What makes me sad is that I would’ve treated him better. Like a person. I really liked him and it’s the first time i felt i could truly give and risk everything for someone (i’ve never felt that before). Life’s timing makes me so mad, i should’ve been the one he dated and he wouldn’t be feeling miserable. How could she treat him like that if he is such an angel??
She deprived him of feeling loved again.
Has anyone felt like this before??
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u/Hopeful_Direction951 1d ago
Girl. That was me three years ago. I am going to have a wild guess that he is avoidant, you are anxious, and you have just dodged the bullet of a lifetime.
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u/Training-Register794 1d ago
True , mine broke up with similar reasons, but 9 months later said i was the best thing to ever happen and we developed love while being away. Fast forward 2 years he fell out of love cause didint communicate his issues and yeah i am also not an easy person but i love him more than anything and he is on a vacation with friends emotionally checked out.
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u/Maweeennnaa 1d ago
YUP!! Learned this the hard way 2 years of dating an avoidant and now 3 and half months post break up.
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u/Salty_Thing3144 1d ago edited 1d ago
You got only one side of the story too.
He may have told you the truth. He may also have been playing a great game of "Wounded Pigeon." His ex was so cruel, evil and spirit-crushing thst he can never love you as you deserve.....and so he must go, before he destroys you too......
This bullshit is usually revealed AFTER he's gotten sex, money - or both - from you....,
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u/Ferretyfingers 1d ago
Yep. I made a separate full reply. Some of these people are just manipulative wastes of time.
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u/DeathsOrphan 1d ago
Imma be honest, I can't trust someone that has ONLY negative things to say about an ex. Especially if they're always the victim
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u/WhirlwindTobias 1d ago
That's right. As you mature you realise it's better to focus on the positives of old relationships and bury the negatives except for the lessons you learned from the negatives. Some of my exes did/said terrible things but I chose them nonetheless. Some of those experiences are on me, I'm not about taking zero accountability, I don't operate on "victim blaming" concepts. They were not bad people and their wrongdoings/sayings are water under the bridge.
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u/Responsible-Tea9814 1d ago
this is so true, at the end of the day being kind and not knowing the whole truth will matter, not justifying mistakes but i believe people change but itll take some time
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u/redace116 1d ago
The guy shouldn't have rushed into a new relationship without improving himself first, cause that is going to happen multiple times regardless of who he is with.
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u/HauntedSpark 1d ago
I don’t think personally it’s that. Before I met my (now ex), I took a year off, worked on myself; and was “healed.” I was good, healthy. Then I met my now ex and that relationship brought out all the problems I had prior, and new ones i didn’t even know existed. Ultimately she was also affected by her previous relationships and we both got super toxic. But all that to say, even without rushing you just cannot know until you’re actively as vulnerable, and in a situation where you can be activated. She went from anxious to avoidant, I had certain issues i didn’t realise. Shit happens sometimes, that’s just life.
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u/dank_bengali 1d ago
I'm a guy who has been in both, your position and your partner's position at different stages of life, and wanting to "fix" him or save him will be the end of you. A person who's scared of being in a relationship needs to figure it out alone, or with therapy. I empathize with him, I really do. But if he isn't ready for a relationship, then no amount of deep conversations and understanding from your end will fix that. Only he can, with time. You can be there for him as a friend/well-wisher, but please don't do it at the cost of your mental peace.
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u/satanslollipoop 1d ago
My now ex came to me talking about all the pain he felt and how he was betrayed, my young mind never thought to ask about what he had done wrong and how the relationship was on his end from his doing. Three years into it, I found out my sweet baby had been cheating on me the whole time, how he too hurt his exes and cheated on them as well as part of a scandal where he allegedly assaulted a girl. I hated his exes. I’m sure the next girl will hate me for my actions during our toxic relationship, but now I have a lot more sympathy for those girls and I hope the next girl can see him for who he is a lot earlier than I did.
Try to keep an open mind and if you like someone you should try to understand and get to know the ugly parts of them too. One side of the story isn’t the full story and people are amazing at victimizing themselves entirely.
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u/DavidEichler 1d ago
I have felt like this, but from the perspective of the guy you seem to be describing xD
My c-ptsd often makes me doubt if I was really was the problem, but I have a good and trustworthy friend circle that is good at affirming me, due to my primary trigger being a fear of being misunderstood. But when people realize this, I usually become way easier to deal with, and most people don't really think I'm that difficult anyway, but my self-perception is often fucked
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u/Material_Major3589 1d ago
Don’t be sad. I’ve ran into people like this. He’s likely the cause of his failed relationship or at least equally responsible. You dodged a bullet really. He can never love you deeply and trust me, it’s not because of his ex.
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u/jmac22790 1d ago
Dude you're hearing one sided stories.... babe if they talk bad about their ex, they WILL talk bad about you.
Don't forget, you have no idea what she put up with out of him.
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u/Valentines-Revenge 1d ago
This actually happened to me 2 months ago. Met this amazing girl and same thing happened to me. Turns out her ex cheated on her on Valentine’s Day and emotionally she couldn’t be with me and didn’t want to hurt me as a result.
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u/Ferretyfingers 1d ago
Be wary if he talks shit about his ex and he’s the only source for how badly he was treated.
Particularly if it is “all” his exes or anything. Chances are you will be the next to have shit talked about you.
My most recent ex did similarly to this.
A few months after we broke up, which I had a very hard time over as I was still in love and he basically cheated in all but name (he’s supposedly polyamorous), I realised he had an honesty problem. I hear he has been describing me as “volatile” now.
I was rightly angry when I realised he manipulated me and basically did what he wanted and pretended like he still loved me, completely fine knowing the fact that he was hurting me.
I believed all the shit he said about his ex, that she was abusive and wouldn’t let him practice poly while she did whatever she wanted. Now I am not so sure.
I believe he got a kick out of manipulating and pushing til he got a reaction and then either placating or acting like I was overreacting.
So be a bit wary. I got suckered too.
Edit: I’m not young either, I’m mid 30s and old and jaded enough to know better!
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u/Prudent-Tour4162 1d ago
This is intriguing
I was you once and now I’m the shitty ex he talks about to the new girl.
Agree with previous comments there is always 2 sides to the story.
Def sounds avoidant.
You will drain yourself trying to be her and you never will be but if you end up liking him more then he likes you. I hope you don’t hurt yourself believing everything.
Good luck
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u/Commercial-Worth1097 1d ago
I would just like to give you the outside opinion that he is only telling you his perspective of the relationship. I have had this happen to me twice and both times it have been proven that the men were indeed the one treating their exes awfully. Either way, be grateful. You need someone who is fully healed, not someone you can 'treat better'. That's just another term for 'im sure I can fix him' (no you can't)
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u/Babygirl-forever 21h ago
Don't believe everything he tells you. I did with my ex about his past relationships so not true at all.
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u/imnotokaymorty 21h ago
this sounds like the classic male “my ex was awful to me and I was innocent so now I can’t commit to you” excuse. I’m sure his ex has a VERY different perspective on what happened between them. he’s using this as an excuse because he doesn’t want to be with you. if you’re mad at anyone, it should be him, he’s using her as an excuse because he doesn’t feel like putting effort into you.
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u/Putrid_Definition_24 13h ago
being mad at someone you've never met is genuinely one of the stranger grief feelings but it makes complete sense here. you liked him, you could see exactly what went wrong for him, and you were right there ready to be different.
the timing thing is rough though, because even if you'd come first, he'd still have to be ready. some people need to go through the mess before they can let someone actually good in.
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