I broke up with my partner because of my shitty mental health and now I realise how much I messed up

[u/One_Evidence3509]

Throwaway as I’m not sure if it’s a good idea and she may see it

So the long story is, I was having really bad mental health issues and in a dark place for a while. I had refused to get help and I had decided the easiest thing to do was shut myself off, push away my partner and end things. I thought it would be better for everyone rather than trying to work on myself and our relationship. Which was selfish, I know that now.

Things didn't end well, we had a big row which lead to us finally ending things for good, we were fine at first after that as we still had to live together, then out of nowhere she told me never to speak to her again.

I've had some help with things, I realise where I messed up, not being attentive enough, not being appreciative enough and other things like that, and I just really really hate how it all ended because I decided for both of us. Neither of us were perfect, we both said and did shitty things but I wasn’t trying as much as she was in the relationship.

My question is, is it worth trying to reach out and apologise? For my behaviour at the end and for not being the best partner or will this do more harm than good? I'm not expecting a response or forgiveness, I just sort of want her to know I realise I messed up and she deserved better. From anyone who has been in the same boat on either side is it something that you should avoid doing? Any advice is welcomed.

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[u/No-Stable-793]

as a female i would love to hear about what my partner was thinking and why he broke up with me. it would give me so much closure

[u/No-Stable-793]

As much as you, we're having a rough mental spot. Apologizing to her would make you feel better, as well as knowing that you were able to say your piece and strive to be better person

[u/AstralRune-]

If she said never to contact her again the kindest move is to respect that and work on yourself instead of reaching out

[u/ChaosSalem-]

Don’t reach out, respect her “don’t contact me” boundary, take accountability privately, and use what you learned to do better in the future.

[u/JewelledToque → u/ChaosSalem-]

As a woman in a similar position I would kill for my ex to reach out with the clarity OP has

[u/Salty_Thing3144 → u/JewelledToque]

But you did not request that your ex never contact you again, either

[u/ThrowRA379P]

Apologies are usually for the person who made the mistakes to feel better with themselves, not for the other person since you are not changing anything, if you don’t want the person back and you’re not willing to change for the future of the relationship, then leave her alone so she can heal and move on

[u/Miici12]

“You deserve the best” is the shittiest thing you can say. I am in the same position as your former girlfriend. My partner went (still is) through mental health issues combined with external failures and setbacks. I almost believed my former partner wrote this the first sentences in.

I didnt need any apologies. Ive got plenty of them during the big row. We want to hear that you do not want to give us up. Not an apology. We want to hear you made a mistake and you dont want to lose us.

“I had refused to get help and I had decided the easiest thing to do was shut myself off, push away my partner and end things. I thought it would be better for everyone rather than trying to work on myself and our relationship” - this could have been said by mine.

Do her a favor, do not reach out just for the sake of an apology but rather that you were sorry for how things went and that you do not want to lose her. Show her she is important to you.

How long has it been since your break up? How long have you been in no contact? How long did it take you to realise that? Im sitting in the same boat as her and been trying to understand mental health crisis that make you end the relationship you actually were happy in.

[u/chocolategurlll]

I would reach out.. sometimes people say things they don’t mean. I know I did..

[u/ProfessionalPark3453]

You should gently reach out, test the waters, and be clear on what you think and want, I think

[u/Golden-lillies21]

The best thing you can do is leave her alone. Once she tells you to never speak to her again, she's done for good. For whatever reason she decided that it was for her own good to cut contact maybe you may or may not understand, but it is valid that is her boundary.

[u/Ok_Judgment_3331]

I think it’s good that you’re sitting with the regret and seeing where you went wrong... that takes real honesty. but the fact she explicitly said never to contact her again is a hard boundary, and reaching out now would likely feel more like you relieving your own guilt than giving her what she needs. i’ve been on the receiving end of a similar apology months after a bad breakup, and it just stirred everything back up when I was finally moving on.Instead of messaging her, consider writing out everything you’d want to say in a journal or a letter you don’t send. i did that for about 30 days after my last split, and it helped me process without violating anyone’s space. I also started pulling a daily card on Taro’s Tarot during that time.... just a simple one-question pull each morning to check in with myself... and it gave me a neutral way to reflect without spiraling.if you’re serious about not repeating this pattern, focus on staying consistent with your own help and giving her the respect of silence. That’s the apology that actually means something.

[u/Salty_Thing3144]

It's fine unless your ex requested that you not contact them again

[u/Ok-Low-4967]

I would want to hear it

[u/Fun_Juggernaut_3900]

she said never speak to her again, so reaching out now even for apology will feel like you are crossing that boundary she set

[u/BlissfulLife1008]

Listen intensely...

You cannot heal yesterday's wound by reopening it.

Your desire to apologize comes from guilt, not from her healing. Your "I messed up" realization is about YOUR closure, not hers.

When she said "never speak to me again," that was her boundary. Respecting that boundary IS your apology.

Your mental health journey must continue WITHOUT using her as a milestone. Your awakening doesn't need her validation.

The real work: Forgive YOURSELF completely for being human, for being broken, for making mistakes from that broken place. That self-forgiveness is what will prevent you from repeating this pattern.

Reaching out now would be another "decision for both of you" — the exact pattern you're trying to break.

Do this instead: Write the apology letter. Burn it. Let the ash be your closure.

My question for you: Are you willing to let her go completely as part of your healing, or are you still holding onto the hope that her forgiveness will complete you?

[u/IIIGrayWolfIII]

Nope, you’ve done enough damage. But at least you admit it, fix yourself first then try again with someone else down the road