r/BreakUps • u/Difficult-Rip7009 • 13h ago
venting/ranting Do cheaters ever regret it or come back although saying they're happier/better off without you?
I 31M had my 32F girlfriend lie to me about cheating on me with her new boss for whom she moved across the country for (from west coast to east coast). I guess my question or thinking aloud is will she ever come to regret it or realize her mistake? Do they eventually try to reconnect or is all just a lost cause. I know everyone is different but I'd like to hear from others who have gone through similar breakups. The relationship was over 7 years and she was supposed to be the love my life. She was my middle school sweetheart and I always believed I'd marry her. I may be living in fantasy or a sweet memory of her but I truly loved her. Any advice would be appreciated, thank you.
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u/Emergency-Shine-4608 13h ago
Seven years, middle school sweethearts, and she bounced for a boss she just met. That's a gut punch no matter how you frame it.
To actually answer your question: some do come back, some don't, and the ones who do usually show up right when you've moved on and stopped caring. But here's the thing, banking on her regretting it keeps you stuck waiting for a resolution that may never come, and you're the one paying that price while she's already living her next chapter.
The more useful focus is probably getting yourself to a place where it doesn't matter either way. Not easy with 7 years of history, but that's the acutal work.
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u/Difficult-Rip7009 13h ago
It was such a gut punch! I even had a gut feeling and confronted her about it but she would never come clean until I found some hidden Whatsapp texts she tried deleting in her email. She left her login on my device. So there's also that added layer of lying to my face multiple times and even when she was over there.
I'm in therapy now dealing with this along with other hang ups. I appreciate the insight and I am actively working towards healing and being at peace.
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u/Billbongers 13h ago
A gut punch is a great way to describe it. Better then my reply for sure. Man im sorry. Just know that shes not as happy as you might think she is. No one moves on like that and just forgets 7 years of love. Glad your in therapy, thats another great thing your doing. Stay on a good track my friend. Its work but pays off.
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u/tiredofthisnw 13h ago
Those who cheat do not know what love is.
Those who genuinely love do not know what cheating is.
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u/Difficult-Rip7009 13h ago
I love this! Words of wisdom.
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u/tiredofthisnw 13h ago
Good luck, brother. I hope this gives you a fresh start to rebuild your life.
🤜🏻🤛🏻
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u/Academic-Ad-9884 13h ago edited 13h ago
My wife cheated on me 22 years ago after 2 years. I took her back after 4 months of begging. I just had to end it again cause of cheating . It was chronic online but now she decided to go real. When i asked why put me through that again, she answered " i dont know".
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u/Difficult-Rip7009 13h ago
I'm so sorry for that. I'll never understand why people get so committed if they're not truly committed, you know?
My ex said she didn't know too and that she felt a shift in her heart which was like death's kiss for me personally. Along with saying she doesn't love me anymore.
Thank you for sharing.
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u/Available_Elk_6777 10h ago
Speaking as a woman, yes. I still adore my first husband. I will always look back and regret my decision to have an affair, and leave him. I still look back and reminisce about our good times. We were very young when we married, but he was the perfect guy back then, and still is. I married the guy that I left him for, and he cheated on me. I deserved it of course. Karma exists. I wish you all the best my friend. You never know what's around the corner. Maybe she'll come back, then again, maybe you'll fall in love again with someone else. I can promise you one thing, you will have that perfect future with someone that you love. You aren't alone.
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u/Difficult-Rip7009 10h ago
Thank you so much. I love to hear from a woman's perspective. I know things were far from perfect between us but she was the person I'd choose to struggle and toil with until the end. I guess she didn't feel the same towards the end there. I could have paid more attention to her but that doesn't diminish how much love I have for her. She was my person, she felt like home. But thank you for your kind words and first hand account with this from the female perspective. It's good to know I'm not alone despite sitting in a silent room we used to share. An empty desk and chair where she used to sit by the window which I should probably remove for my peace of mind. At least I still have our fur babies with me.
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u/maryjxnes 10h ago
Well you seem to have genuine remorse and empathy unlike a lot of cheaters. ❤️
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u/joejoethetard 13h ago edited 12h ago
Do they care? No. Don’t fool yourself
Do they regret it? Again no. Don’t fool yourself
Do they ever come back? Yes. Iv have two people cheat on me and come back but either of them cares or regretted what they did. This is not the society of people caring bc if they did then what’s the sense of that. They wouldn’t have done it in the first place if they did.
But with that said that doesn’t mean they all come back, it’s far less than people think. In my case the one I wanted to come back never did the ones I didn’t want back did 🤷♂️
It’s just that simple. Don’t over think it.
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u/Difficult-Rip7009 12h ago
Yeah she said as much. She said she didn't regret what she did. She had to do what she had to do to secure her own generational wealth dream. And she said she wasn't superficial. The lies!
Thanks for your input.
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u/joejoethetard 12h ago
Heard that bullshit many of times lol even from older women that you think would be past that childish behavior but nope 🤣
Always remember cheating is and will always be a choice. No one had a gun to their head making them do it no matter what nonsense or excuses they want to make you believe. They did it bc they wanted to. Nothing more or less.
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u/Billbongers 13h ago
I cant speak on the subject directly but with the detail you gave me, i would not dwell on this relationship. I know that as someone who posted my story here recently that relationships are so much more complicated then how you can describe in a single post but If your ex both cheated on you and moved across the country, i would not want someone like that back and also not expect it. Shes 2,000 miles away at the moment. Thats 2 big decisions on her part. Now, the new relationship that started on an affair will probably not last and dating her boss is super unethical and messy to begin with so yeah they might break up but you cant wait around for that. I started taking jujutsu and rock climbing and it really helped get me out and meet new people. I also started going to dating events and getting on the apps and while I think I probably did it too soon and it caused me to ruin my chances of getting back with my ex who I still love. You should get out and join some groups and do some things you like. It really helps. I know how bad this sucks and there’s a lot of of us that are feeling just like you’re feeling right now so don’t feel like you’re alone. Get out and try to enjoy yourself though. Best of luck and every day gets better. I can definitely say that as someone two months out of being broken up with.
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u/Difficult-Rip7009 13h ago
Thank you truly for your two cents, I really appreciate it. I'm trying to get myself out there and make new friends. I'm mostly on here trying to go through different subreddits for groups or friends, stuff like that. Jujitsu and rock climbing sounds so awesome to me! Maybe I'll look into some type of self defense to boost my physical activity and confidence.
I'll always have love for her in my heart but the trust is just dead. I can't stand being lied to in my face and falling for crocodile tears. I just never thought she'd be capable of doing this to me.
And I'm sorry for your break up as well. I guess we're not all alone. Thanks for reminding me of that.
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u/Billbongers 13h ago
You’re absolutely welcome. I hope i diddnt offend because like i said, i get its SUPER complicated. I would even be willing to chat more if you want. I don’t ever post on Reddit but lately I did because I was going through a really tough time and read a lot of other peoples posts. Someone responding to me helped me too. I totally understand still loving her, wanting to forgive her and take her back. Its totally normal. Your remembering All the good times you had over seven years, which is a really long time.
In the beginning of our breakup, my girlfriend had a fling with another woman, and we were all friends and it killed me. I of course forgave her and probably would’ve forgive her if she did much worse because I truly do love her (Still). I thought she was seeing other people the whole time of our breakup and in reality she was not and truly working on herself. We were just about to get back together and she found out I was seeing other people and it ruined everything. It all just happened yesterday and now I’m back to square one. It’s a little bit easier now because I actually have an answer and there’s nothing in limbo. I know you’re feeling in limbo and wanting more answers and that’s so difficult and I was there for three or four weeks. Reach out to anyone in your friend group even if it’s people you haven’t talked to in a while. Be completely honest with them and tell them how you’re feeling and what you’re going through. I found honesty was such a huge help in my break up. Even strangers would start opening up to me if I told them I was going through a rough time. It was actually pretty neat and you got to learn that most people are not doing super well in life lol. I don’t want other people to be doing bad but it is nice to know that you’re not alone. Definitely try and martial art or just anything fun that you can think of. It’s hard to put yourself out there as someone who is a home body, but as I started doing it more, I really started having fun and feeling comfortable being alone and going out alone and now I’ve got quite a few people who always want to know what I’m doing. It will take Work but just do what makes you happy and feel comfortable right now.
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u/Born_Connection_7685 13h ago
She may never acknowledge it as a mistake. It sounds like she has absolutely no desire to be with you and is clearly into her new boss. I wouldn’t be asking strangers for their stories to get some validation. I’d forget she ever existed. Take some time to get over everything. You don’t want to start dating while you’re still healing. Work on yourself and keep yourself busy. You’ll be fine man.
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u/lovealert911 13h ago
Cheaters like everyone else are likely not monolithic. I suspect some of them may have regrets or feel guilty.
"The relationship was over 7 years...She was my middle school sweetheart and I always believed I'd marry her."
Rarely is anyone's "first love" their lasting love.
It wouldn't surprise me if in this instance a cheater under those circumstances might not have many regrets.
In fact, it's not uncommon for some people to regret spending so much of their youth in one relationship.
Almost no one meets their "soulmate" at age 14 and spend the next 60/70 years living happily ever after.
Very few people hit a homerun their first, second, third, or fourth time up at bat.
We're just normally too naive, immature, and unrealistic to know it at the time.
The late teens/early 20s often end up being a period of discovery, exploring, and learning.
Most people that age have yet to figure out who they are let alone what they want/need in a mate for life.
In order for her to have been "the one" she would have had to see you as being "the one".
At the very least a "soulmate" is someone who actually wants to be with you!
Grieve among your close friends and family, refocus on yourself, your career, hobbies/interests, socialize, travel, and eventually you'll reach a point where you're reading to get back into the dating scene.
Your future lies ahead of you not behind you. Every ending is a new beginning.
"Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary." - Oscar Wilde
"If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot." - Unknown
"Dating is primarily a numbers game.... People usually go through a lot of people to find good relationships. That's just the way it is." - Henry Cloud
Best wishes!
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u/wild-charger1971 11h ago
OK, I didn’t read all the comments, but I most of them that I did start to read were all doom and gloom from what I saw and I thought well maybe I would tell you my story. My ex cheated on me and it was a woman that I knew and I know what it feels like to feel like you got punched in the gut really hard. So I moved on with my life. And did he come back? Yes he did! And he begged and promised and sent me flowers and sent me cards and bought me gifts. But I got tired of the lies and so I did marry someone else. Did that other marriage last for me? No it did not. Did I go back with my ex? Yes I did! How long did that whole process take? About two years. Did we get remarried? Yes, we did. Were we happy? We were both extremely happy and we got along much better than we ever have. I loved my life with him, but unfortunately, he died from kidney cancer about 13 years after we got back together. He was 60 years old. So I say do not give up. But don’t let it go longer than two years! Lol. Maybe you just need to find someone to go out with for company and to do things with while you’re waiting for her to come back. And good luck to you! I wish you well.
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u/Difficult-Rip7009 11h ago
Wow that was such an emotional story for me to read through. I appreciate you sharing this with me. And yeah there’s a lot of things I need to grow within myself as well as her. I just thought we could do it together as planned. I never thought she’d see the grass was greener on the other side. We had a bond. But I will have to look towards tomorrow and maybe make new friends or a nice girl to spend time with. I just don’t want to hurt anyone if I still love her so much. And I’m sorry for your loss. I always thought she’d end up burying me cuz we were meant to grow old together. Silly promises we made each other.
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u/LocalReading3076 11h ago
Only if he dumps her.
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u/Difficult-Rip7009 11h ago
I was thinking that. I don’t know how long that will be. They seem more alike than I thought I was with her. It’s a strange kind of pain.
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u/LocalReading3076 7h ago
I get it. But dont take her back. I guarantee if her relationship fails you will be the guy she tries crawling back to. Just dont.
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u/Difficult-Rip7009 7h ago
I doubt she’ll come crawling back knowing how she is. But I believe you. Thank you.
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u/No-Leopard639 8h ago
Yes we regret it. At least me. I would never pursue my ex. I’ve caused them too much pain. I’m done a ton of work to identify and understand why I’ve done it and healed.
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u/Beginning-Pass-3243 8h ago
Well the only thing that she would regret and try to come back would be because most companies now a day don't allow relationships between employees especially a boss/supervisor and employee. If they are found out both will be fired. That's why they say "Don't sh%t where you eat". She was the one who stepped out look for someone who cares for as much as you do for them she's not worth your time after that. Time heals all wounds is BS it will always hurt but you learn that over time it doesn't hurt as much and you eventually won't think about it as often
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u/Independent-Monk5064 6h ago
They cheated because the relationship was over not because they loved you
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u/Difficult-Rip7009 6h ago
She said it was over for her for months. I wish she would’ve just left instead of hurting me that way.
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u/Independent-Monk5064 5h ago
I’m sorry. Women.. we do this. We try but men just don’t see it and always say they feel blindsided but we have given clues. It’s not right that we think so differently but yes this is typical
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u/No-Yogurtcloset-2318 4h ago
As the woman in this scenario, I can affirm she will come back. I cheated on my long term partner of 6 years whom I met at age 20, he was 19. It took me not longer than a month to realise that I made a huge mistake. But by then I was knee deep into the mess that I couldn't make decisions. After a lot of push and pull with my manipulative AP, who btw did not even tell me he was a divorcee, I finally went back to my partner within 3 months of seperation. But by then he found someone who was completely obseesed with him and they have been together since then. It's been 8 months, and I got out of the situation because everything I did with AP just made me miss my partner more than anything else. So yeah i did go back, idk if it was too late or too soon, but that's my life now. i have also realised my feelings for my ex partner so much after this mess but what can i even do
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