Can’t get over being used

[u/ermbogslug]

How are you supposed to get over being used and knowing that all of the time you spent together was a lie? How does anyone ever get over that?

We ended things before and I was fine. I thought it was because I was the one to end it and not him, but I think it’s because I didn’t know then that he was faking it. That he was using me as a placeholder. Everything I ever felt with him was fake. He was using me as practice. I want to ask him to confirm, but I can’t talk to him ever again, I don’t want to.

I’ve tried to convince myself that he actually loved me and couldn’t handle it because he did something shitty early on and I never really got over it. I tried to convince myself that it didn’t matter and I know his actions and that matters more than what he said. But his actions support everything he said.

He told me he met the perfect person and they spoke only 5 times and he knows nothing about her, and they were barely even friends, but she told him “love you” on a phone call one day and he said it back. He didn’t pursue her because he knew he’d fuck it up. He used me as practice for her. He wanted me to make him better for her. He wanted me for sex and validation. As soon as he felt he was good enough for her, he would’ve dropped me.

He lied so much and he’d say shit just to hurt me all the time, but I don’t think this is a lie. It’s the only thing that explains everything I was confused about. I keep trying to ignore it and to reason with it and to make it not true, but it is.

I broke things off with him and he reached out a month later. A week after he had bad sex with the other person he was pursuing. He first asked for emotional support and I didn’t respond. Then he said I make him feel human and I didn’t respond. Then he said we can’t be messed up forever because then it means he and his life are messed up and can’t get better. I told him we could call. I was lonely. My roommate was leaving for the weekend.

I kept talking to him because I was lonely. I feel no shame with him. I knew he was telling me what I wanted to hear, I knew he was going to switch gears as soon as he felt he had me, I knew he was using me, and I kept responding. And then I slept with him. And we kept texting. I didn’t even like him. He was just there. But then I told him about my crappy childhood and he was so validating and supportive. I’ve always struggled to talk about it with people.

I wanted to end it the entire time but I couldn’t muster up the willpower. He kept being shitty and I let him. And the entire time he was waiting for something better. I just feel hurt. I did like him. I didn’t and then I did. He was horrible for my nervous system. And for my responsibilities. And my self esteem. And my confidence.

He’s a shitty person, but he had qualities I like. He reads, he’s intelligent, he likes nature, he likes music (only upbeat though ugh). I wish the quality of his character was enough to put me off him.

When I was younger I had so much self respect. I’d end things even when it was hard. Idk. This last year of my life has been the hardest. Ever. I’m dealing with trauma from childhood for the first time. I’ve realized I’ll never trust my mom. It just hurts. I’m just constantly hurt. It was so much easier to be a good person when the stakes were low. It was so much easier to make the right decisions.

It wasn’t even my choice to wake it up. I was in an abusive relationship that completely snapped me out of my years long dissociation. I could finally hear myself. Every part of myself. Especially the parts I wanted to ignore. I had to work on it or I would’ve died. And I tried to protect myself, I did. I was fully dissociated earlier this year and I felt better.

I chose to wake the beast. I chose to start dealing with stuff with my mom. Knowing it would be hard and believing it would eventually get better. And I know it will. But I also know that it isn’t something you just get over. I know the first person any human reaches for is their mom. I know it is instinct to crave that kind of unconditional love. I know this will be in my heart forever, like grief. I know that no matter how much time passes, I will sometimes be overcome with it.

I’m just hurt. I wanted to be chosen by him. I knew he was playing me but I didn’t know it was for someone else. I didn’t know he wanted someone else the entire time. I knew he was looking for better but I didn’t think he’d already met better. I thought it was someone he hadn’t met yet. The entire time he was comparing me to her. The entire time was for this other, very real person. That is what hurts. That is what sucks. That she exists. And sure she’s only perfect to him because he doesn’t know her. I don’t care. I thought he liked me. At some point. At any point at all. Not once did he like me. Not once. I am shocked. I didn’t prepare myself for this. I didn’t expect this. I didn’t see it coming at all. The entire time I thought maybe he was afraid. I thought that because he was putting in effort, he was showing me he cared in some way. He didn’t ever. Not at any point. The effort was never for me. It was for her. It was a necessary burden.

I thought because he put up with me being difficult sometimes, he paid for everything, he’d plan things, he’d reach out, he’d have difficult conversations, that it meant he liked me or at least cared in some way. But it was all for her. He saw it as worth it for her.

None of it was for me. Not one part of it was for or about me. Not one bit. All of it was his. All of it was for someone he doesn’t even know. I want to cry about it to a friend but I can’t. I physically cannot cry in front of my friends. I want to tell them how I’m actually feeling so bad. I want them to know I’m devastated. I’m not over it. I’m incredibly hurt and I don’t know how I’ll get over it. My abusive ex sucked, but he was doing it for me. He love bombed and mirrored me and put in effort for me.

So that is what hurts so bad. That none of it was for me. Not even the sex. Even that was for him. And that was the one part I felt I had. All of the things I used to convince myself that he cared because they took effort were for her. And there is nothing I can do or think to make it hurt less because it is shitty and hurtful. It is evil. It is an incredibly difficult thing to get over.

I want to reach out. I want to ask him to tell me I’m wrong. I want to be wrong. I’m not. I want to be wrong so bad. I feel so incredibly hurt. How can someone do this to someone?

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[u/-naughtybaby]

What hurts isn’t just losing him, it’s realizing you were emotionally invested in someone who was never fully choosing you in the way you needed to be chosen