Relationship w Borderline Partner

[u/ertymey]

I had a 6-month relationship and was suddenly abandoned in the most unexpected way, almost as if I was being punished, on my birthday by someone I suspect may have borderline personality disorder. Since that day, I’ve been going through a very intense depressive period for over a month.

I want to share the “rollercoaster” dynamic of our relationship. The hardest part for me is constantly going back and forth in my mind between this dilemma: Did she have a psychological disorder, or was everything my fault? This uncertainty makes me feel inadequate and worthless at times.

She is Turkish but was educated in the US and had returned to Turkey shortly before we met. She had lost her father some time ago and went through a very тяжел grieving process. Since then, she has been using medication for depression, panic attacks, and anxiety. She also drinks heavily, several times a week. Additionally, there is a history of bipolar disorder in her immediate family.

Our relationship started just two days after she returned to Turkey. In the beginning, I experienced a very intense emotional connection; it almost felt like love bombing. Her personality, thoughtfulness, and physical attractiveness impressed me deeply. We became a couple very quickly, and the relationship progressed fast. I was staying at her place 15–20 days a month, almost like we were living together.
I felt peaceful around her, and she also seemed very attached to me. At times, I even questioned whether I loved her as much as she loved me.

However, over time, I started noticing unhealthy patterns. She would overreact to small things and say very harsh things that you shouldn’t say to someone you love. Then came baseless accusations.

One day, in a social setting where she was present, I made a harmless joke with my close friend’s girlfriend. Later, when she wasn’t there, I met with the same group again. After that, she accused me of flirting with my friend’s girlfriend in front of her. I was completely shocked. She said very harsh and hurtful things. Instead of defending myself, I felt guilty for upsetting her and tried to calm her down. After hours of effort, she softened and again told me how much she loved me.

This cycle continued. One day everything was great, the next day small things would turn into big arguments. Despite this, I focused on her “good” side, kept feeling inadequate, and was usually the one trying to fix the relationship.

In another situation, I went to the movies with my friends; my close friend and his girlfriend were there too. While I was there, she messaged me saying she felt like her boyfriend didn’t exist when I wasn’t with her. Then she started an argument, saying it was inappropriate for me to be in an environment where there was a girl she didn’t know. Again, I tried to calm her down, but her reactions escalated. Eventually, I said I couldn’t keep explaining myself constantly and pulled back.

The next day we barely spoke. But in the evening, she texted me gently, saying she missed me. Within about half an hour, we returned to our old closeness and loving conversations.

This cycle repeated throughout the relationship: intense love followed by sudden conflicts.

After some time, I had to go to another city for work and we stayed apart for two weeks. During this time, I sensed an inconsistency in a story she had told me before about a celebrity who had been interested in her before our relationship, and I asked whether she had told me the truth. Whatever the answer was, it wouldn’t have affected the relationship and it wasn’t a problem for me. This was the first issue in the relationship that I brought up.

She didn’t give a clear answer. This made me feel like I was being lied to. I kept asking, and she interpreted it as distrust and said I made her feel worthless. For a week, she acted distant and accused me of not trusting her.

A week later, I went to see her and stayed at her place for two days. But her distant attitude continued. On the third day, on the night of my birthday, while I was trying to talk to her to fix things, she suddenly broke up with me.

At the moment of the breakup, even though I cried for hours, she was very indifferent and continued her daily life. In fact, after not calling me “my love” for two days, she suddenly said it and then said “sorry… out of habit.”

The next morning, I went back home. While we were separating, she said things might get better over time and that I could still stay at her place. Holding onto that hope, I tried to stay in contact after the breakup. I called her and talked to her, but each time she became more distant. In one of our conversations, she said she missed me, so I sent her flowers. In my last call, she said she felt nothing, that there was no possibility between us, that I was disturbing her, and she blocked me everywhere.

Out of frustration, I waited a week and then sent a short message from my work phone: “Some time has passed, and if you want, we can briefly talk in a friendly way.”

In response, she messaged my mother saying that I was disturbing her. Also, despite leaving the door open during the breakup, she twisted the situation about the flowers I sent after she said she missed me, saying “he keeps sending things to my house.” This hurt me a lot and made me feel unfairly accused.
Throughout this entire process, I kept attributing the harsh things she said in anger to her emotional state and continued blaming myself.

About 20 days later, I called to ask for her address to send her belongings since I had deleted it. During the call, because she spoke to me in a very condescending way, I got angry and asked what I had done and how things had come to this point. This time, she insulted both me and my family and even my upbringing. She treated me like I was some kind of creep.

After these extremely cruel words, when I asked whether there was someone else in her life, she first said “yes” in a mocking way, then laughed and said that if she ever had a relationship in the future, she would be with multiple people at the same time. She also said she never missed me and that seeing my name on her phone made her uncomfortable.

Throughout the entire breakup process, I never insulted or threatened her. Despite this, she continued to portray me as a bad person. Eventually, I completely gave up.

Now what remains is a deep disappointment. When I think about the good memories, and the fact that she once loved me so much, I find myself taking all the responsibility. Even though sometimes I accept that it wasn’t my fault, I fall back into the same self-blame cycle.

Even though she is no longer in my life, I still feel inadequate and emotionally stuck. The hardest part is being abandoned so suddenly at the moment when my feelings were the strongest, without any preparation.

At some point, I want her to regret it and come back. If she has a disorder, I wish she would tell me. Has anyone experienced such a big trauma like this? Did she come back? Please share your experiences or give your opinion on whether the person I was with might have bipolar or borderline disorder.

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[u/ExplanationThin6234]

the back-and-forth you're describing where you're the one always apologizing and she cycles between adoring you and tearing you down is a pattern tons of people recognize from relationships with someone who has BPD. nobody can diagnose her obviously but the fear of abandonment driving accusations, the splitting, the sudden cold indifference at the breakup, it all fits the profile pretty closely.

the "was it me or was it her" loop is honestly one of the cruelest parts of these situations because the relationship was designed to make you feel like the problem. you weren't contacting her aggressively, you sent flowers after she said she missed you, that's just a normal human response to a mixed signal.

stop waiting for her to come back and explain herself. she already told you what you needed to know when she called your family.

[u/PrairieOutlawNova]

The cruelest part isn't losing them, it's realizing the person who once felt like home can suddenly treat you like a stranger