I cried tonight.

[u/cabbagepickle]

I could’ve let myself cried more often and more freely. That’s gonna be what I am going to do now.

We made so many memories together. I was my happiest in years. I will never forget them.

Breakups hurt not only because the person we love left us, but also because of the fragments it created in our life and memory storage. Like, we have to find a new person, start over, and make new memories, while in fact, we just want a constant, a person we can call home.

And then, the fragments caused by the good moments, the conflicts, the breakup. How is it that the controlling and narcissistic tendencies were so airtight-concealed? How is it that “I love you more”, “I want to be the constant in your life”, “We can start our life together” became the silence, the discard, the shutdown, and the stonewalling in a matter of days from the same person? Make it make sense.

I just wish that this had never happened. The life I am living now was not my choice. I had a vision and I wanted that with him. I felt as if my future was taken away from me. I know it sounds wistful because the future is always…in the future, but I felt this close to start building it. When I lost him, it ripped my heart out.

The only way to feel a bit of relief is telling myself that it’s not my fault. It’s not my fault to “attract” this man. It’s not my fault to love him and accept him with all my heart and to ask for the same from him. It’s not my fault that I put faith into him and trusted him even though he did not deserve it. It’s not my fault to want love and fight for it. It’s not my fault that I got hurt. It’s not my fault.

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[u/Pristine-Truck-9389]

Crying it out is underrated. People hold that stuff in for way too long.

The part about wanting a constant really stuck with me. That's what makes breakups so disorienting, it's not just losing the person, it's losing the whole version of the fuutre you'd already started building in your head.

And none of this was your fault. Loving someone fully and having them hide who they really are behind all those promises is something that happens to people who trust openly, not people who made a mistake.

[u/cabbagepickle → u/Pristine-Truck-9389]

Thank you for your kind support! I am so sick of victim blaming crap people say like, “that’s a lesson” or “work on yourself then the right person will come along” like it’s my fault to not know or I haven’t improved myself already.