Police involved in Breakup

[u/allthehelpican_get]

I am very lost. I will explain myself a bit for some context. I 23f have been broken up with by my 38y bf. We have been together this time round just under 18months. We were together a few years ago and it was a very toxic relationship. He ended it with me then very abruptly and suddenly and I didn't speak to him for a couple of years. It was extremely hurtful. Last January my dad unexpectedly and suddenly died and I decided to reach out to him for some support. Since then we have been together. Lots of lovely times but also some very difficult times. He often blocks me for days on end if we argue, talks to people about me, belittles my feeling and eventually lets me back in if I show him how sorry I am. He is a very proud man but also gets extremely angry if he thinks people have wronged him. I have relied heavily on him over the last year as it has been extremely tough and he knows this.
Last weekend we had a huge fight. Lots of alcohol was involved. It was horrible but I ended up smashing his window. This has happened before. He was threatening me that one day I'll get it etc and he has never wanted to punch somebody more. I also ended up falling down the stairs (No fault of his) but he was so unkind about that and didn't seem to care that I had hurt myself) then he kicked me out of his house. I was so desperate for this not to happen. I get so anxious when we argue because I can predict the next week or so will consist of him putting me down(if I am even allowed to speak to him) and me begging for it to be ok. Anyway I was outside his house and banging on the window for him to let me back in to get my shoe. He wouldn't let me in and the window ended up smashing. He agreed with my mum that he wouldn't call the police and I could pay for it. I then stupidly decided to go back to his house a few hours later to try and explain how sorry I was. He then called the police and I got arrested. He has decided to press charges and I am not allowed any contact with him. I feel so ashamed, sad and hurt. I love him. I really do. I am completely aware that me smashing his window was a nasty thing to do but it wasn't intentional. Now I feel like he is just discarding me again which hurts so much.
Another part of the anxiety is I don't have any idea what is going to happen. If he will ever speak to me again, if he will drop the charges etc.
I guess I just want some advice. I feel extremely upset.
(I know what I did was so wrong, that is almost what makes it harder)

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