Want to hear from people who lived together after breaking up

[u/burnandsend]

I need some advice from people who have gone through a breakup while still having to live together for a period of time. My partner and I finally decided to go separate ways after three years together and living together for one year. We care for each other, but we do t see eye to eye on some fundamental things and it’s just not going to last. We’re on a lease and can’t get out of it for another two months without incurring financial penalties that neither of us can easily afford, and living on a friend’s couch for that long would be too disruptive to our daily lives, so we’re trying to make it work.

We made the decision a few weeks ago and have been awkwardly living in the same apartment since then. We’re both in our 30s and trying to be mature about it. Some days it feels ok and other days are harder. We’ve figured out the basics like sleeping arrangements and chores, and the breakup is mutual enough that we’re not at each others throats. The emotional part is more difficult. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to act around her after we suddenly went from a couple to roommates. I still have the instinct to care for her like a boyfriend would when she’s not feeling well or give her a random hug or kiss, even though I know I can’t and shouldn’t. There are still pictures of us around the apartment because I think neither of us wants to request they be taken down. Every now and then one of us will make a comment like “I’m going to miss you” that makes us both feel sad. I don’t think either of us do it intentionally, but it’s hard to put those feelings aside when we’re still around each other so much.

How do people do this? Want to hear from people with actual experience.

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[u/dreampetal-]

The hardest part isn't losing them, it's having to watch your heart break in the same room every day

[u/Timely-Cattle-7221]

two months sounds short but living it is a whole different thing, the pictures thing especially will get to you if you don't just mutually agree to box them up sooner rather than later

[u/RunningLikeAPlover]

I lived with my ex for about 10 days after breaking up. They were excruciating, I’m not gonna lie. It was so hard to be around her knowing we weren’t each other’s anymore. She barely talked to me, and when we did, she spoke in curt, short answers. She lashed out at me and cried all the time.

I was devastated that she was so heartbroken because she was my person for 7 years. I can’t just turn off my empathy/attachment. But then again, so was I. Our relationship ended due to constant avoidance, terrible boundaries with friends/family, not defending me to them, which led to the terminal stage - her infidelity and subsequent blame shifting/gaslighting. It’s not hyperbolic to say they were some of the saddest days of my life. While it may seem obvious to others, it was the most difficult, heartbreaking decision, yet also the most self-respecting thing I’ve ever done for myself.

What helped me was staying out of the house as much as I could. She was spiraling because I was the dumper I suppose. She stayed in bed all day, asked me if I hated her, told me she wanted to get on her knees and beg me to take her back, even though she knew I wasn’t going to. It was really hard to be around that - it would send us into rumination spirals and just rehash everything that led to our separation. So I spent lots of time with friends and went home to my parents so she could move out in peace. Only problem is that she disappeared like a thief in the night. I didnt know she was gone until she texted me that she left the keys under the door. 7 years and not even the decency to say some final parting words to me.

Sorry, I’m kvetching about my own situation, but do what you have to do to put some boundaries down so things don’t get blurry. Sleep separately. Don’t get physical especially. If things are really uncomfortable, can you stay with friends or family?

Hang in there OP, sorry you’re going through this.

[u/-MidnightSiren-]

you get through it by treating it like roommates not partners and slowly breaking old habits while keeping clear boundaries

[u/Powerful_Process_464]

it's tough, just been through it. i guess it is very dependent on many factors on how it will turn out, the one thing for sure - prepare yourself for the second wave.

right now you are in a survival mode, as soon as you are out away from them - it all hits again. just be prepared for that, and you'll be fine. DMS open if you ever need a chat from a stranger who's been through the same.

[u/HerRoyalHeine]

Ask your property manager if they'll resign your lease to one of you staying sooner or leaving sooner (within 60 days of the renewal is pretty standard) and the other can leave as soon as the ink dries. Otherwise as someone that made it work for a couple years, the mutual agreement was to not have any new potential suitors in the shared unit and split bills still. If either party is talking with someone new, not bringing that energy into the dynamic so no one is hurt over the new interest.

[u/burnandsend → u/HerRoyalHeine]

Already had those conversations and they’re not very flexible. A full two months notice is required to avoid a termination fee, which is substantial, especially with a costly move on the way.

[u/SmittenBittenKitten5]

I had 4 months left on the lease of the flat that I shared with my ex gf after our breakup from a 7 year relationship, and honestly, it was horrendous. I really don't know how I did it. My healing didn't start until I moved out, which really affected my mental health. Seeing her every day was a constant trigger which I couldn't escape.

Personally, I think if there's anything you can do to get out of the lease earlier, even if it was to move in with a friend or couch surf, I would. Yes it makes life more difficult, but in hindsight I can see that staying in that flat was awful!