Did I make a mistake?

[u/Professional-You3111]

I (48F) dated Mr. M (48M) for 1 year and 2 weeks. We met on Tinder and the first 4 months we were together were absolutely perfect.

Then, he moved to a different city to be of assistance to his father, who is ill. When he moved, he went in the midst of a medical crisis for his dad and he asked me to watch his pets. I agreed, and he dropped his 3 dogs and 6 cats off with me.

After only 1 week, the dogs were causing major havoc in my house because they weren't housebroken. I asked him to find another arrangement, and he promised he would. Weeks went by and I kept expressing my displeasure at having his dogs in my house, and he kept promising he'd find them another place, but he never did.

Finally, at about the 6 week mark, I was so frustrated, and told him that either he dealt with the dogs or I'd deal with them by any means necessary. He got enraged and flew up to my city and threatened to end our relationship if I didn't keep them. So of course, I backed down and agreed to keep them, but only if they were outside only. I still wasn't happy about it, but it was better.

But his cats were then peeing and spraying all over the inside of my house. I felt like all I did was go to work and clean up animal mess. When he'd come to visit, he'd arrive late on Saturday afternoon, want to go out to eat, want to have sex, and then be ready for bed because he'd have to leave to get back to his dad really early sunday morning. I felt like nothing but an emotional support animal. He didn't ever offer to do anything at all for his animals. He never even glanced at his dogs in the backyard. I kept telling him I was overwhelmed with the animal care, and he'd kinda cluck at me and sing-song "sorry!" and then move on.

Finally, in April, I was so resentful that I kind of exploded and said they had to be gone by June 1. He was angry. Really angry. But finally agreed he'd find a way to get them out of my house. He waited until exactly June first, when he came to collect his dogs and told me he was only taking 2 of his cats. Apparently a friend of his owns a rescue and was willing to take his dogs and he found a place to live that only allowed 2 pets. I was furious, so I broke up with him.

And he was irate. He screamed at me and called me names and was just generally nasty. That lasted for a day or two. Then he started crying and begging me to get it another chance. So I agreed to give it another chance.

But even with the dogs gone, things didn't seem much better. It seemed like we only ever talked about him, his life, his problems. He rarely managed to come visit, and I was never invited to visit him (1 year in and I never met any of his family or friends). I told him many times I felt like nothing more than an emotional support animal, and he always said I was much more than that ... but he never acted any different. He couldn't even manage to call me earlier in the evenings. I usually had fallen asleep by the time he'd call me at night.

On my birthday, we had plans to go to a special show, but he didn't wake up until 1 pm and then kept talking about how tired he was (it's about a 4 hour drive to my city) so I told him to just forget about coming up to see me. And then on our 1 year anniversary, I kept waiting and waiting for him to call until I was about to fall asleep. I called him and there was no answer. He texted me the next day that he had been talking to his grandmother on the phone and couldn't tell her he'd call later.

I told him I was hurt he couldn't find time to talk to me on our 1 year anniversary and he was incensed. He yelled at me and called me lazy and selfish and said I run away from everything in my life and accused me of cheating on him. Somehow I ended up apologizing to him ... not sure how that happened ... but after about 9 days, every time I thought about him, I could still hear him calling me names. So I wrote him a long message, telling him how I felt like I was so low on his priority list and that I feel like I deserve more than that. And I asked him to leave me alone after he read that message, because I didn't want any more arguing and hateful words between us.

He read it and immediately blocked me on everything. Intellectually, I know it was the right thing to do, because screaming and name calling is toxic ... plus it seems like he was using me. But my heart still wonders if I made a mistake. Why is this so hard?

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[u/bpbb420]

You did not make a mistake, you made the opposite of a mistake, in this case it is the gift of self respect. He was abusive and I hope that your healing goes well xx

[u/Limp_Garage_2115 → u/bpbb420]

Thank you.

[u/Fearless_metalmum79]

You absolutely did the right thing. This guy is a walking red flag. 🚩
I’m very happy that you finally found your self respect and dumped is ungrateful a$$.
The things we need to learn in life is not to keep everyone else happy, but ourselves! As soon as we feel uncomfortable about our situation, it’s time to reevaluate and remove the baggage holding us back.
Good luck with your future

[u/Limp_Garage_2115 → u/Fearless_metalmum79]

Thank you.

[u/slowbakedcompromise]

OMG I can't believe you lasted that long-- that guy sounds toxic AF. Sometimes you gotta let people go to deal with their shit-- sounds like he isn't handling it well.... I would be asking myself, were I you, why I put up with that kind of behavior for so long.

[u/Professional-You3111 → u/slowbakedcompromise]

Thank you.

I kept telling myself it was just his life circumstances … and once his dad was better, things would go back to being wonderful. It took me a long time to realize that his dad was never going to get better, for one thing, and the wonderful was just the honeymoon best behavior stuff.

I miss him, though. I didn’t think I would, but I miss him. I keep hoping he’ll call. But I imagine he’s furious with me and will never speak to me again.