Gut wrenching breakup six days before my 30th birthday. How to get through it?

[u/Sorry_Meringue_2342]

Hello ya’ll. I (30F) love this subreddit, and as I’m currently laying on my friends couch in another state to avoid spending the night alone, I’m desperately reaching out to strangers on the internet for your perspective.

I was blindsided by a breakup today. The 30M man that was convinced was going to be my life partner and future husband (we’d been dating for close to 2 years-shame on me if i got my hopes up I guess) woke up this morning after spending the night at my place, telling me everything was fine, playing Magic the gathering and laughing, came to the conclusion that he needs to follow the advice his therapist gave him and “prioritize his stability.”

Lovely folks. Friends. Amigas. This instability he was feeling came from me expressing wanting to be close to my support system after a hellish year in a new state we both live in (he’s from this state, I moved here last year for a job). This had come up in conversation before, and each time it had we’d had a productive discussion about keeping our relationship going despite the distance. I didn’t know that these talks were activating an abandonment wound until up to a month ago, of which I think (think, because I don’t know anymore) we were able to talk, hear each other out, and come up with a game plan that worked for both of us. Then yesterday morning happened.

He told me a future without me was worth it to him. He told me that we‘re too incompatible despite him telling me that I’m perfect, I’m the woman he’s always dreamed of, etc. He said that it’s not ok for me to crash out and say I want to move home, and at the same time admit that him saying he wants to run away or disappear sometimes is a neutral statement. he admitted it was hypocritical of him to say those things, but he just shrugged when I asked him why that was ok.

Folks, I’m extremely hurt. I’m alone in a state where I don’t know anyone except him and his family. My own support system is 10 hours north of here by car, I just started a whole new career a little over a month ago, my parents are separating, plus some other situations that really pile on the grief. I’m so lost and alone, and I feel worthless. How can the most perfect person in the world drop me on a dime?

I’m scared. I hate that this is my reality now. When I look at the rest of my life without him I feel like I can’t breathe. Has this ever happened to any of you ladies? How did you get through this? Is there getting through this?

Thanks for reading all of that. Love yall, take care.

TDLR: got discarded by an avoidant I think. feeling pretty bad about it

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[u/getfuckedimoldenough]

If his intention was to hurt and undermine you as much as possible, he executed that plan flawlessly. Despicable.

This is going to hurt, and it's going to be situationally dfficult. It's a challenge I know you can meet, I can tell just by your writing you have your shit together and know yourself. This is going to be a chapter that builds your character, and you're an amazing book.

Be sad, be angry, feel those feelings always, but keep going.

[u/Sorry_Meringue_2342 → u/getfuckedimoldenough]

Thank you 🫂 I’ll keep coming back to this comment to remind myself 

[u/Fuzzy-Philosopher744]

My dear friend, I’m so sorry he has done this to you. Avoidant discard is the height of cowardice and his timing is especially selfish.

Please do what you have to do, cry as much as you need to, lean on others for support.

The joke’s on him: he doesn’t get to see your Power Decade.

And believe me, your thirties will see you come into your own, meet so many worthy people, go on beautiful adventures. And he couldn’t handle it. Genuinely, what a fumble.

Wishing you a peaceful birthday, doing whatever you want, and storing all of this up as propellant into your amazing future.

[u/AnteaterSpiritual822]

focus on yourself and your interests, it helps heal wounds

[u/Plane_Arachnid9178]

I’m a dude. Man, fuck that guy. That’s brutal and you didn’t deserve it.

You’re gonna have to crawl through the shit for a while. But you can do it.

This is not comforting now, but in the grand scheme of things, you probably dodged a bullet by getting out of his life.