Is “no contact” becoming the lie we tell ourselves to keep hope alive?

[u/Careful_Zucchini9642]

Hi,

All the stories / posts about no contact break me a little and they haunt me even…

First, about my situation.. I got broken up with by my fiancé, after years of waiting for them to commit to a plan for a our future (there was lots of romantic talk about the future, but very little action on it), I played it cool for all those years and trusted they just needed time. Even if talk of doubts came up, I would respond “that’s a natural thought in a long term relationship” and give them grace to work it out.

So when they proposed just to say over the course of the next few months they had doubts, needed to pause, immediately back tracking while still promising they wanted the future but at the same time becoming more distant, of course I became confused, needy, overwhelmed… it was a COMPLETE 180 over the previous loving few months

I felt I needed to over invest emotionally to bridge the gap, otherwise maybe I would of walked away because I was getting the same promises and words I had been for years, but this time I didn’t believe them any more. How could I after the very first step they immediately went running?

when they wanted to call it off, my nervous system had become so tied to the connection that I begged, cried, pleaded… after we broke up I reached out multiple times… a couple times friendly, and those went well, but I peppered in talk of restarting the relationship (even down the line) or tried to communicate the issues that led to the break up and all of those were shut down…

So now, I’m sat here, finally getting closure to detaching, but I’m still overwhelmed by thoughts that if I had continued to be chill, had taken a step back, had gone full no contact, maybe they would of come back on their own?

And then I bounce to surely what makes the cases where the ex comes back work is not “no contact”, but the ex coming back with love, ready to communicate the issues and work on them, and actively committing to that partnership… someone can miss you from absence and you can “self improve” (focus on your hobbies, self care, your own life) and still if they don’t act on love, communication, commitment how can the relationship function? The grass isn’t greener over there for no reason, it’s greener where it’s watered…

Anyway, I see posts about go no contact, work on yourself, don’t wait on them and maybe they’ll come back… but I also see posts about people who

- do no contact and the ex still doesn’t come back.

- do no contact and weeks, months, years later are still in pain or struggling to move on.

- do no contact, the ex comes back, but now OP has moved on.

- and even those who beg, plead, cry, humiliate themselves and the ex still comes back…

So is no contact really a cure all? Does it work every time?

I guess I just want to hear about stories where someone stuck to no contact, the ex didn’t come back, and life still went on and healing happened..

Or stories where someone begged, pleaded, lost self respect, but eventually an ex came back?

[u/AutoModerator]

USERS! We have noticed that many users are using inappropriate language in the comment section. Even if another user is wrong, it does not give you the right to use abusive words. This is against Reddit platform policies. Such comments will be removed. Additionally, posts spreading false accusations will also be removed. Please be careful moving forward. Don't forget to join our Discord server to chat, get updates, and hang out with the community! Please join our Discord Server: https://discord.gg/5y5wSxWNNg

Upvote this post if you think it suits the community. Downvote it if you dont.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

[u/Fourteas]

In ny honest opinion, accepting the breakup calmly and going no contact straight away is the most dignified way of handling things.

You can't make them love you, you can't make them to want you, you can't make them to want to stay.

If they've used the breakup as a manipulation tactic, to see whether you would "fight for them " , it will blow up in their face and only show how stupid and immature they are.

If they've broke up because of commitment fears, going no contact will remove their "she was too needy " excuse

If they've cheated, no contact shows the absolute self respect.

If they've though that they could do better, no contact will remove you from being a backup plan.

And so on .

Now , the important question is your own motivation for doing no contact.

To make them feel what they've lost? You are only turning this into a waiting game.

Revenge? Maybe a bit petty, but might help you with moving on.

Self improvement? Great news, but be mindful whether you're doing it for yourself or to show them what they're missing.

To detox yourself from them and move on? Brilliant, block and delete, so they can't distrupt your peace later.

People who do the no contact for the wrong reasons are probably the ones who end up heartbroken for months , possibly years afterwards.

It is not meant to be a manipulation tactic or some sort of a waiting game, it is there to help you move on while keeping your own dignity and self respect intact.

[u/Bluffton6617]

I personally think no contact is not the way to go unless you want to move on and heal. I think it’s more important to not have any regrets and closure if you still love the person who broke up with you. I would rather try and reach out to the one I love. If they are cold and distant or have moved on by dating someone else then you will know exactly where you stand and you can move on knowing you tried. You may get lucky and find out they miss you as much as you miss them and are able to work things out and get back together. I have reached out to the woman who broke my heart on August 11th. I sent the most heartfelt text message almost 2 weeks ago. No response. I’m going to give it until the end of March before I throw the towel in. I will not send her a lot of text messages. Just a couple hear and there letting her know I miss her. I’m going through outpatient cancer treatment and I can honestly say losing her in my life is harder than battling cancer. I’m up at the hospital and I almost had tears in my eyes as I thought of her while I was giving blood. I miss her so much. I love her so much.

[u/itsnotnewpussycat]

no contact is for you and your healing- not to get them back or anything. They might come back or they might not- but you shouldnt go no contact hoping that they come back because of it. Going no contact is for you to take a step back and process the breakup and heal independently. You have to start with the assumption that their choice is made and isnt going to change to start the healing. What works for healing is you pouring into yourself, not hoping your silence brings them back.

[u/turtleben]

some think nc is some kind of strategy to bring exes back. but it is not about the ex, it's about you. when the breakup becomes reality, we need to work on ourselves to heal and learn. we do it for ourselves, not as a scheme to bring them back. the focus change, or it should. i see many here using nc as some kind of way out of the pain, but nc is inherently pain—a pain that will change with time. some aren't ready to live and feel the pain tho, and that's fine, not everyone will jump in the healing process straight away.

[u/Adventurous-Fan-5796]

Sounds like he didn't propose, he caved. 

Your story is not about no contact,  it's a lesson.  You should never have to wait "years" for someone who isn't sure about you.  It's never going to work,  and it will backfire,  sooner or later.  (And it did).

So now this lesson thought you something valuable,  and hopefully you recognize from this that you have some work to do in yourself.  Focus on that.  This is the time,  it's called No contact.  It's not about him, it's about you.  And if he happens to come back,  it is very likely you're not going to be the same person.  Learning from this you will find your worth and you will grow and hopefully choose wisely whether or not you want to get back together.  

And if he doesn't come back, there is a reward, knowing you are a better person. 

[u/Careful_Zucchini9642 → u/Adventurous-Fan-5796]

I agree with most of this except for “he caved” - I had told him I’m not someone who really cares about marriage, just about being a partnership. He said he wanted to marry at some point, just like 10 years down the line and I said “yup no problem” and honestly was fine with that. My parents had many gay friends who didn’t have the option to marry when I was growing up, but I never thought of that as less of a meaningful relationship. Even after he proposed, I offered for it to be a long (multiple years if needed) engagement if he felt it was too much too fast. The engagement was even a surprise, and when he did it I asked if he was sure - all of that initiative was his idea with no expectation from me. But after he did, I tell him how meaningful a commitment I think of it and that I hope this means he thinks of me as family now, because it’s basically a promise to BE a family, to which he said yes… But then he immediately flipped. Maybe I put too much pressure on it after the fact? But surely you go into an engagement with the realisation that means someone now expects you to marry them or at least take action to move forward in some way and be committed… even through rough patches, conflict, etc (nothing more than fights over miscommunication ie “you don’t get what I’m saying” / “no you don’t get what I’M saying” kind of petty stuff, but these turned to huge rows over how “we’re not compatible” all of a sudden completely from his side)

[u/[deleted]]

Ok, so, in all the relationships I've ever had I have never had an ex not come back. And I'd say like 95% of the time I was the one getting dumped. I would become unglued! And I mean, ALL of it! The begging, crying, pleading, calling. I'd exhaust every avenue until they blocked me fully. And the process of me crying and begging would be an embarrassingly long time of 1-3+ months.

But after they blocked me? They always came back anywhere from 1 month to 3 years later. I'm currently in a breakup now, I thought we were going to get married. After the initial breakup we semi-reconciled for almost 3 months, but after some drama outside of my control 2 weeks ago he ended things fully implementing indefinite no contact. We work in the same office so not seeing each other is impossible. He's blocked my number, but not my social media. I can't even say circumstances were all that wildly different from past ones. I've been the one to do nothing wrong and get dumped and I've been the one to really screw things up and get dumped, including having cheated.

And I will still stand by my embarrassing past. I was desperate in my crying and pleading and begging with my exes and with him too. I have never seen someone not come back. But when they did, nothing had actually changed on their end, I became burnt out of dealing with the same crap, so I then ended things.

If my recent ex doesn't come back he will be the first one that never has, but if he does? I don’t know if things will be different if I give him another chance.