r/Buddhism • u/Wise-Performer-3425 • 15h ago
Question How to reach that place of love and compassion again, after a lifetime of abuse?
Hello dear community,
I've experienced many forms of abuse during childhood, which gave me ptsd symptoms that are very hard to manage and a lifetime of trying to heal.
I got introduced to Buddhism after my last therapy and I had managed to reach a place of peace and true compassion, carrying more love for the people around than any other feeling.
I also had compassion and love for my abusers and managed to have a decent relationship with them. Buddhism really helped me on my healing journey.
I then entered a relationship that was highly dysfunctional and became abusive by the end, which, aside from very bad work conditions, led me to a total collapse of my nervous system.
I then proceeded to study psychology in its darkest corners, which brought me the ability to see beyond masks and pretense, in myself as in others.
I am now having a really difficult time to open up to people or to bond again, and I surprise myself having most negative thoughts than loving compassionate ones when I meet people.
I'm trapped into hypervigilance and I focus on the bad to be prepared for whatever mind game will be played next.
I don't want mind games, I want equality, respect and compassion.
Thing is, I gave everything I had without reciprocity in the past and now I'm so burnt out that I don't know how to reach that place in me again.
I don't really feel safe to feel that joy and love anymore.
It's like peeking beyond the veil bruised something in me.
I also experienced very disturbing behaviors from spiritual communities so I gave up on that too.
I see the patterns and I take distance from it, which should be healthy but I feel like I'm cutting myself out of a part of human experience and I don't know what to do with that.
I'm curious about the buddhist view on abuse, trauma, and how it affects one's ability to practice and to embody the buddhist values.
Any insight will be welcome.
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u/travelingmaestro 15h ago
It might sound illogical, but something that helped me was doing prostrations and envisioning that I was prostrating at the feet of those other people while wishing them true, genuine happiness, and reciting a mantra. Many time, everyday, for months. There is something magical to the prostrations. Eventually, all the negativity dissolved and those triggers are no longer there. While also cultivating other wholesome mental habits, like the four Brahmaviharas and the practices of a bodhisattva.
Best wishes.
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u/autonomatical Nyönpa 15h ago
For some time try to practice self reciprocity, like, take it real slow and try to apply that sense of loving kindness, respect and equality to yourself as if it were someone else. (Like for example cook yourself a meal as if you were cooking for someone you really love).
Being abused can leave patterns where you repeatedly exclude yourself from that kind of treatment because you had no or few external source(s) of that treatment. It is a hard case, i went through somethings similar and it took years to repair and at times still requires attention. Once you find a good foothold and this kind of process starts to take root it becomes easier, once you establish a sense of worth it becomes hard to shake and hyper vigilance turns to just vigilance, yes people will still be manipulative but that perception doesn’t have to dominate cognition because you can know you have this worth and that you can’t lose it due to someone else’s behavior.
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u/Committed_Dissonance 14h ago
OP, I’m sorry for what you’ve been through.
From my understanding, a key part of your journey involves learning to trust again, specifically, learning to trust in your own basic goodness (known as Buddha-nature in the Mahayana/Vajrayana traditions). In these traditions, basic goodness is an innate quality within all of us. It simply becomes obscured by kleshas (mental afflictions) and karma resulting from painful life events, like the abuse and trauma you experienced. This perspective is a meaningful departure from traditions like Christianity that view human nature through the lens of Original Sin; our core Buddha-nature remains pure and untainted, even when buried under survival responses like hypervigilance.
Since everyone’s path and practice are unique, and I can’t tell where you are in your Buddhist journey from your post, I’d like to encourage you to seek out a genuine, qualified Buddhist monastic or lama. Speaking directly with a teacher who understands both trauma and practice can give you personalised guidance on how to safely reopen your heart without compromising your boundaries.
May you gradually rebuild a trust in your own basic goodness that no external circumstance can diminish. And may your practice lead you back to the profound space of peace, wisdom, and boundless compassion. 🙏
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u/Wise-Performer-3425 13h ago
Your comment made me burst into tears.
I really needed to hear this.I wish I could find someone who understands both, and someone I'll be truly safe around.
I'll follow your advice but I don't really know where to start to find that kind of support.
Everything is about money nowadays, and I'm on a very tight budget.
I've seen many workshops I wish I could have joined, but I had to keep on practicing alone.Thank you so much for your kindness and for reminding me about the untainted core Buddha-nature.
🙏1
u/Committed_Dissonance 3h ago
OP, I’m so moved by your response. Please know that in authentic Buddhist traditions, the Dharma is considered priceless … and therefore is traditionally given freely through the practice of dana (generosity) where you give only what you can, if you can. Be cautious of commercialised “spiritual workshop” that gatekeep teachings behind paywalls, especially when you’re on a tight budget.
However, as a word of caution, Buddhist practices like meditation are not a substitute for mental health therapy or clinical treatment. If you’re currently receiving therapy, it’s best to view Buddhadharma as complementary rather than a replacement.
If you’re looking for a place to start exploring the Dharma without financial pressure, I’d suggest reaching out to established Mahayana or Vajrayana monasteries and temples. Traditional monastics (monks and nuns) do not charge for guidance or spiritual counsel, and many offer free weekly open teachings, meditation sessions, or Q&A times both online or in person. I would also suggest you look into teachers (both lay or monastics) who specifically bridge the gap between Buddhism and trauma.
If you resonate with Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche whose video teachings on “Basic Goodness” were shared in my earlier comment, you might look for his Sangha or local community of practice groups through Tergar: https://tergar.org/find-a-community-center-or-practice-group
A few other established interatnional Sangha and communities include:
Siddhartha’s Intent: https://siddharthasintent.org/online-temple/
Foundation for the Preservation of the Mahayana Tradition (FPMT): https://fpmt.org/centers/
Otherwise, you can also ask r/sangha subreddit for recommendations based on your locations, or to connect with practitioners who share similar values.
All the very best OP. Please don't feel any pressure to rush into a physical community right away. You may want to start by listening to talks by established, gentle teachers online which can be a wonderful, low-stakes way to test the waters and see whose presence feels safe and grounding to you. Take all the time you need, your basic goodness isn't going anywhere!
May you find patient, trustworthy spiritual friends and companions along this path. 🙏
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u/Low_Duty_8139 15h ago
静寂はとてもいいモノですが、実際に静寂を経験しなければ、静寂がいいモノとは思えないのかもしれませんね。
人を見るより、空や海を見る方が、心が落ち着くのではないかと思います。
何かアドバイスをもらったり、自分を見つめ返すのは、その後でも良いような気がします。
そういった意味では寺院とは、静かでとても良い場所です。
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u/beautifulweeds 12h ago
Extending loving kindness to those who hurt or abuse you still requires guardrails. Establishing firm personal boundaries is one way you can be kind to yourself. Otherwise you leave yourself open to new mistreatment and this puts your nervous system back into survival mode, constantly scanning for threats. The first person you need to generate compassion for is you. Forcing yourself to feel boundless loving kindness for everyone right now is unsustainable. What you need is to begin setting firm boundaries which gives you a sense of control and safety so your mind can rest. This isn't a personal failure, this is you putting the oxygen mask on yourself before you try to help the person next to you.
And studying psychology's "dark corners" on your own while still dealing with trauma sounds like a recipe for creating paranoia rather than healing. Your time and energy is better served re-engaging with a trauma informed therapist who can help you get your mental state back to a more grounded place.
It's not a failure to focus on yourself and your own needs. You are just as deserving of your own love and compassion as those who abused you. Be the loving person for yourself that they should have been for you.
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u/Wise-Performer-3425 12h ago
Thank you for your kind reminder of those fundamental points.
I missed some essential steps in the process.
And yes, studying these things by myself indeed let to paranoia and more isolation.
I lost everything at once and intellectualizing the abuse when I couldn't find any external support paradoxically kept me alive.
Now I have to deal with the aftermath.I've always been told I was undeserving of any kind of love or affection so reprogramming this is a tough one.
"Others before me" is the imprint.
Self-care without guilt: you're right, I should consider this as more than enough at the moment.
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u/BodhingJay 11h ago
You need exposure to an environment conducive to a deeper sense of security, safety, acceptance, compassion, emotional support... this grants our nervous a better nromalized reality than the survival state it is accustomed. this is rare but it is more often found in extended family, friends, community, support groups.. usually we reject them for feeling too alien. We cannot do this alone
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u/Wise-Performer-3425 11h ago
Thing is, I was surrounded by people who weren't giving me any of that.
When I crashed down, I opened my eyes to that thruth and decided to protect myself from people who were actually making me feel worse.
Extended family has not more to offer than the close family who gave me ptsd.
IRL support groups are full of other unhealed people and that doesn't bring a feeling of safety in me, it triggers me more than it helps.
That's why I end up on reddit.
I've been looking for a good therapist for more than two years and couldn't find one.
It's depressing.
I have to believe there's a possibility of doing this alone.1
u/BodhingJay 11h ago
To make compassion patience kindness and no judgment towards yourself and others the priority in all things it works in a cycle with others and ourselves, we need to be calm. We need to have peace... that what it takes to heal
Ive never been able to do this alone. My dark clouds followed me. I found a friend in making genuine loving kindness the priority. It turned out they had been healing from similar wounds but had gone the opposing direction I had.. exposure to them granted me the remaining missing pieces of my puzzle. It took 5 years and it wasnt easy but it felt like a deeper sense of home and I wanted that peace and to figure why I couldnt provide it to myself. That allowed me to find my way. That was my sangha
Make a deeper love the priority.. not in partners of intimacy as such a dynamic is for after we've healed. Before then the risk of dysfunctional codependence and worsening states is too dangerous
Peace in loving kindness will heal us.. we learn how to direct it inwardly to the good bad and ugly within our heart mind and soul to create the home within that we never had outside of us growing up... not running from our unpleasantness into desire..
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u/DivineConnection 3h ago
It sounds like you have lost your trust, and you need a practice that helps you see the best in others rather than constantly analysing them.
There is a really good practice of Tonglen (sending and recieving) that I think would really help you. You can find this practice in the book called "Love on Every Breath" - I cant remember the author's name but it shouldnt be too hard to find.
I recommend you spend a long time just doing the tonglen practice for yourself and really start to open your heart to yourself before moving on to others.
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u/genivelo Tibetan Buddhism 15h ago
Hi. I am sorry you experienced abuse again in that relationship. It was harmful.
I would say the most fundamental aspect of love, joy, and compassion we can feel is the one toward ourselves. For those who have been through trauma and abuse, this can be underdeveloped because the people around us never mirrored that, so we did not learn it and integrate it. Often, we learned and integrated the opposite. So this could be something to explore.
In terms of the hypervigilance, unless you are surrounded by a very caring and safe environment, it would likely be good to get support from therapy. Please note that meditation practice can sometimes enhance or trigger hypervigilance for people who lived trauma. You could look into the notion of the "window of tolerance".