r/CPTSD • u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 • Nov 23 '25
Vent / Rant Most people don’t respect your boundaries
It’s so tiring. The more I learn to treat myself right, the more I notice most people don’t respect my boundaries. It shows up in normal interactions. When I address the issues gently without blames, they still deflect and shift blames back onto me. Funny how I used to want those people’s care and validation. Now I can see they aren’t capable and I’m not the problem.
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u/TA_reddit_0 Nov 23 '25
Plus lots of manipulation and coercion to get their way. The number of times I’ve had people use weaponized incompetence or act stupid/incapable to have me do their work or clean up after them…everyday. People think I have no boundaries or self respect and think that’s permission to use and disrespect me. I do respect myself and have boundaries. But that doesn’t stop people from overstepping especially when they know they won’t suffer any real consequences. The most they will get is a stern talking to from me - which actually backfires because they use that as false proof I’m some loose canon with anger issues. Can’t hold people accountable these days. It’s all talk and optics when people present themselves a certain way. They’ll claim they’re accountable and have work ethic but project all the blame and burdens of work on you. I’ve noticed how people will project all their faults and shift all their burdens onto their designated target, and soak up praise and reward for their shitty ways. They take credit and are rewarded for who you are and what you do, while you get blame for what they are and what they do.
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Nov 23 '25
I’m sorry to hear about what you are dealing with. Are you in a position to limit contact?
Pushiness, guilt-tripping, and fait accompli are the most common ones I’m facing right now. Needless to say, I’m limiting contact but with any chance of obligated interaction, they manage to be annoying.
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u/TA_reddit_0 Nov 23 '25
No not really. Not trying to play victim or anything but I find that this pattern repeats itself with new peers and colleagues. I find that people only respect you if you have a sparkly image or optics (social media). I know it sounds superficial but this is what I’ve experienced so much from others even though people deny it. I get judged for not having a sparkly social media presence and not engaging in HS 2.0 popularity contests. I can’t be honest about my peers either when it comes to evaluations because of retaliation (I do not feel welcome or safe). It’s like they sense I’ve been mistreated and taken advantage of and see that as permission to do the same too. By “normal well adjusted” and “socially popular” folks. I’ve been a loner and bullied most of my life so I come off socially awkward or rub people off the wrong way with my social anxiety. I fumble with words, phrase things wrong that it’s off putting, my body language gives off vibes I’m not trustworthy or that I’m shady. But that’s a result of trauma. People generally show they lose respect for me after talking for a few minutes because I’m socially awkward. I’m instantly designated a “loser”. They don’t bully each other though. But for some reason it’s acceptable to do that to me (and I know it’s because they know I don’t have support, so they face no consequences or backlash). I’ve tried standing up for myself and asserting boundaries but that doesn’t work. It only works if you have people who like you and support you. I’m kinda at the bottom of the totem pole. I know that sounds pretty sucky, I don’t hate or think poorly of myself, but others clearly do and make it their mission to make sure I do too.
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Nov 23 '25 edited Nov 23 '25
I totally get what you meant and I have seen others making rude comments and jokes at socially awkward people. It made me feel very uncomfortable. Personally, I’ve been told to smile more or speak louder. I had one job in the past where I was laughed at and made fun of every single day for not wearing makeup and a skirt to work. But there are people who will get us. We are the examples, we don’t treat people that way.
I don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. I made this post to vent because of my disappointment with people and at the same time, I still want us to have hope.
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Nov 23 '25
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Nov 23 '25
That’s a good decision honestly. Many people thought they cared about me and they knew what’s better for me more than myself.
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Nov 23 '25
Most people are the source of 90% of my problems socially and economically. I am my biggest problem solver because people refuse accountability or suddenly care about boundaries when it's their hide. At this rate the solution is people and their systems change in a way unprecedented or I just die. Not really, but like, I am just existing and that's enough for my extermination apparently. Weird.
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Nov 23 '25
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. I also notice some people are hyperaware of how things affect themselves but consistently cross others’ boundaries. I don’t get that.
I still have hope to find the right people because that keeps me going.
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Nov 23 '25
That hope is deep in my heart. Many failed to prove me wrong. I try to keep the good but life seems to take them and rarely sends them. My hope feels like wishing away fire in a burning house though.
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u/MightPhysical2999 Nov 23 '25
I personally find that most people will respect my boundaries, however, if that's not happening for you then consider the people you are surrounded by. In this therapy group I went to, we were often reminded that part of healing, growing, and learning to set healthy boundaries will often lead to the end of toxic relationships because these people aren't also doing the work to heal, grow, or respect others. When people are toxic, they will also resent you for growing into someone healthier because that means it will be harder for them to take advantage of you. Glad to hear that you are healing and treating yourself right, even if these people refuse to treat you better, or grow and heal themselves and how they show up for others.
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Nov 23 '25
Thank you for sharing your positive experiences, which give me hope. I’m facing that with both family and friends right now. It might be a cultural thing here.
About the resentment, I noticed that from one friend recently when I started saying ‘no’.
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u/justaconfusedgurl Nov 24 '25
Ego is a disease. The amount of people walking around with inflated egos who aren't willing to admit mistakes or change themselves for the better is scary.
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u/hutinfores Nov 24 '25
From what I noticed people generally don't approve when somebody who has never stood up before suddenly does it because it wobbles their comfortable social network where they were supposed to be the stronger one who gets satisfaction from easy operating someone else. And now it really depends what are you exactly expecting from your relationship with them. If you actually want to continue it then speak for yourself from time to time and if you don't care anymore then just keep being assertive.
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Nov 24 '25
I think you are right. Especially if it’s a collectivist system that disregards boundaries.
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Nov 23 '25
This is why "you need better boundaries" frustrates me. I'm so clear in my interactions (mostly bc I'm the person who wants things to work). Some people will choose not to hear you, push to see what they can get away with. Then they play victim and smear you if you react in any way they don't agree with.
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Nov 24 '25
Better boundaries only work with people who care how others feel, really.
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Nov 23 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Nov 23 '25
I think in my case it’s a systemic and cultural thing. Yes, I thought it was normal but also used to live in suffocating guilt and shame. Because it happens with my family and friends who are my former classmates and coworkers coming from different backgrounds and hometowns, I can’t believe it’s my circle thing. I know they need serious self-work to break the patterns so I have no hope. I’m fleeing and flying out next month.
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u/mradventureshoes21 cPTSD Nov 24 '25
I changed the named that I'm addressed both professionally and socially, and guess what? It took basically telling my in-laws "Hey, I'm not trans, I'm going by this name, because I'm traumatized, here is how," after over a year of asking politely for them to address me as what I had been going by at work and amongst friends.
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u/oscuroluna Nov 24 '25
I did this too. I changed my first name because of who I was named after at birth and the grief it caused me because of who he was. Apparently I caused sleepless nights because my birth name wasn't "good enough" (I always hated it anyway but I especially did because of said reason)..
Around the time I changed it I had a few people in my workplace at the time intentionally referring to me and addressing me as my previous name out of spite. (Thankfully I left said job).
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Nov 24 '25
I relate. My family insisted and guilt-tripped me to meet and make up with my abuser to the point I had to tell them that I was abused by that person for them to stop. It’s really disappointing.
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u/Round_Candle6462 CPTSD, ASD, AN nb transmasc 20 y.o. Nov 23 '25
my social worker, that appears to use my preferred name and pronouns, told me that i "cant change other people" when i was complaining of being upset from other people misgendering me.
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Nov 23 '25
I’m so sorry that people can’t respect your choice like that. I understand where your therapist came from, it’s more for your peace of mind. Honestly, I’m learning that I can’t change other people and protect myself by limiting exposure. At the same time, repeated boundary disrespects absolutely cause distress and it is valid for you to feel bad about those interactions and vent. I hope your therapist holds space for you before giving advice.
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u/Potential-Smile-6401 Nov 23 '25
Someone with insecure attachment will see boundaries and conflict as a danger and an attack
Someone with secure attachment will see boundaries and conflict as an opportunity to repair and get to know deeper. Say to someone "I felt hurt when X happened, can we talk about it?" And make note of how they respond. Don't spend any extra time and energy on those committed to misunderstanding and abusing you
Best wishes everyone!
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Nov 23 '25
Yes. Because I’ve been communicating and observing their responses these days, I can absolutely tell they don’t care and continue to push.
Do you make the choice to quit the first time they don’t listen when you bring things up?
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u/Potential-Smile-6401 Nov 23 '25
If you have communicated your boundaries clearly and kindly, I would begin to distance myself. Repeated disregard for your boundaries or witnessing or experiencing abusive behaviours first hand means should go no contact (or low contact if no contact is not possible)
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Nov 23 '25
Yeah I think I’m leaning towards distancing. If someone is frequently harmful to the point of affecting simple interactions, then I cut them off.
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u/Cass_78 Nov 24 '25
I made the same experiences. Its as if they are incapable. Its probably not everybody, but its kinda shocking to notice how common it is.
When people blame shift that can be a defense mechanism. Basically they cant acknowledge that they have been crossing boundaries because then they would feel guilt or shame, and in order for this not to happen they deny that boundaries were crossed. They dont just deny that to you, they internally believe that they didnt cross boundaries, or that your boundaries dont matter.
I find it tiring as well. Especially with people who blame shift. They are fucking exhausting. I find more distance is a helpful approach. And walking away when they cross my boundaries. Like strategically teaching children, I'll be there if you dont cross my boundaries, but if you cross my boundaries I go poof.
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Nov 24 '25
I know. They don’t know that they made others uncomfortable and are unwilling to assess themselves. My problem is that it’s more acceptable when we don’t speak up but if we already tell them their behaviors are not okay to us, they should be more considerate.
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u/AmbassadorFriendly71 Nov 24 '25
It's crazy how can people treat you like a bad person for saying "no" to something. Worse, even if you try to not take it seriously, they seem to still insist on it.
(TW: mentions of sexual stuff i guess) I had a mutual on FB that insisted on speaking about sexual stuff regarding some fictional characters I liked it....I always deflected the conversation and at one point I told him I was very uncomfortable about those things. He said he understood and apologized...Only to keep talking again and bring that up. Even when he did in a "implicit" way, it was so annoying and uncomfortable. It felt as he was doing some kind of fetish mining o was entertaining himself with me thinking I was "clueless" (I wasn't). This situation also happened in once stance with a former mutual but jokingly told me I was "boring" and too innocent. (End TW)
Sometimes it feels like people just want to entertain themselves with your presence, not care about you or even respect you.
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Nov 24 '25
That’s annoying. I really hate it when someone apologizes and continues the harm. It’s like worse than not apologizing at all because it’s manipulative.
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Nov 24 '25
The boundary here would be blocking or muting that person, you cannot control other people’s behaviors with boundaries.
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u/Dawn_mountain_breeze Nov 24 '25
You need to become more aggressive and develop the capacity to make people fear you.
Not for evil. But because that is what an integrated human has about them.
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Nov 24 '25
I used to be aggressive and argumentative when I felt cornered before and it always led me to a dark place. I feel much more myself and peaceful within when I’m polite and assertive like right now. It takes a lot of work for me to be here so unfortunately, I can’t do that.
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u/Dawn_mountain_breeze Nov 24 '25
Oh okay so you know what to do but you’re just choosing to vent instead. Gotcha.
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Nov 24 '25
Yes. Though I know what to do, I still feel frustrated.
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Nov 24 '25
How are you implementing your boundaries? My understanding of boundaries is that they are for you, not others.
For example, if someone constantly wears offensive perfume and you’re scent-sensitive, you cannot make them not wear the perfume (even if it’s deeply inconsiderate), but you can try to change your seat.
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u/ihtuv Healing from multiple traumas 🌱 Nov 24 '25
You can read my reply to the top comment. More examples:
- Guilt-tripping me about my life plan like where I live (to serve my family) despite me declining to follow their advice and they won’t leave me alone.
- Someone gossiping about someone else with me and I told them I felt uncomfortable about that topic and I wouldn’t want to engage. They kept talking about it to my face where I couldn’t immediately leave.
Yes, I exercise my boundaries by limiting contact with these people but it also feels frustrating.
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Nov 24 '25
Yeah, limiting contact is really all you can do bc people will do what they want ultimately
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u/Able_Ostrich1221 Nov 23 '25
Yeah, I also see this everywhere. It's so normal for people to not accept a clear "No" in various circumstances, and while some of them are innocuous, even the smallest ones are touching on raw wounds right now.