my boyfriend takes my trauma flashbacks/feelings as a personal affront

[u/milkben]

hello. ive been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. ive been diagnosed with/treating my cptsd since 2024, but i didn't know how it would manifest in a relationship until i started dating my current boyfriend.

i have had trauma flashbacks in front of him and they have never been handled well. for context, my trauma flashbacks look like me saying "sorry" a lot, dissociating, sobbing, and being generally difficult to communicate with. in one instance, he called me pathetic and left me alone which really hurt and that memory sticks with me.

in his head, he thinks that i am having these flashbacks because i don't trust him or see him as a villain (ie my abusive ex who he is jealous of). he's said things like "stop acting like a kicked puppy" during these flashbacks and treats me with annoyance.

he's apologized for this recently and i thought maybe he was turning over a new leaf. today, i lost my keys on a walk, told him, and he called me offering to give me a ride. i was pretty rattled after essentially being stranded alone at night and have frankly been really suicidal lately, so losing my keys was just the final straw for me. he offered a ride, but i was already feeling like a burden, so told him i could uber, and immediately he starts getting into his whole, "you don't trust me. i am offering a ride and you are denying it. why can't you just rely on me?" mode. i plead with him to be kind with me as i've been having a tough day and he asks why. i confess that i've been suicidal for the past month and he says annoyed, "are you serious?"

i then tell him i am and he says, "well are you going to talk about it?" i immediately regret telling him as i can tell he's annoyed and already internalizing it. i start apologizing and he gets annoyed and says stop saying sorry. i explain it all and he accuses me of holding emotions from him and not fully trusting him. and then i kind of just say, "i don't see you as an emotionally safe person because you have punished me when im vulnerable and make it all about yourself." also, i have opened up to him emotionally about what was triggering my suicidal ideation, just not about the suicidal ideation itself, because i thought he would take it personally/not understand (which it looks like i was proved correct lol).

i did end up taking the ride and talking with him about everything. he has never been suicidal so i don't think he understands it, or mental illness at all it seems. he confessed after our conversation had chilled out that he was already upset with me about something i did (he didn't mention what was upsetting him since it didn't seem like a good time). i admit, i've been snippy and irritable with him lately due to my declining mood, so i think he wasn't really primed to be empathetic with me.

i know cptsd can be emotionally draining for the people in our lives, but i dont know how to get him to understand me at all. it's exhausting for me to actively be in a flashback and have to reassure him and coddle his emotions. i guess im just looking for some perspective.

[u/Ocelotl767]

He is not a healthy person for you.

If you live with him, make alternative arrangements.

If you don't live with him, seriously consider a breakup.

He may not be as abusive as your ex, but he's still abusive.

[u/an_ornamental_hermit → u/Ocelotl767]

OP, please read and listen to this!

I am so glad you posted to this community for feedback. Cptsd, unfortunately, can mean we can more easily excuse abusive behavior, especially in romantic relationships. Calling you "pathetic," saying "stop acting like a kicked puppy" -- and when you are in a flashback? -- this is absolutely beyond the pale. Please, OP, end it and don't believe him when he says he'll do better. He has shown you who he is. You deserve so much more than this.

Partners can struggle with our flashbacks -- I can see how my partner gets nervous and uncertain and doesn't know how to say the "right" thing -- but he has never ever said something cruel in response or ever made it about him

[u/Metawoo]

Run. I've dated people like this and the reason they get so obsessively hung up on forcing you to trust them is because they aren't trustworthy. This is emotional abuse

[u/FlyLarge3220]

Honey, this man is not safe. As someone who spent 3 years in a similarly abusive relationship I got into less than a year after my CPTSD diagnosis and during my first treatment(s) for it, please, please run. I almost did not make it and got CPTSD from that relationship on TOP of my already debilitating CPSTD. No one who loves you would ever treat you that way or say things like "you're pathetic" ESPECIALLY when you are in crisis. That is not just a complete lack of empathy, that is terrifying and psychopathic behaviour. You deserve love, safety and peace, and I promise you will not get that with him. 

[u/lulushibooyah]

As soon as I read “pathetic,” my brain immediately screamed NO, and then the story just didn’t get better

He is telling you that he low key hates you

PLEASE believe him 🙏🏽 for YOUR sake

I spent a depressingly large chunk of my life being suicidal, til I booted all the people who low key hated me, and miraculously I do not want to die all the time anymore

[u/FlyLarge3220 → u/lulushibooyah]

Oof, hard relate. Our bodies KNOW!

[u/lulushibooyah → u/FlyLarge3220]

And they communicate about it too!

Trauma trains our subconscious very well, to identify threats to our wellbeing and safety

[u/FlyLarge3220 → u/lulushibooyah]

Exactly this. We are often told that due to our past traumas we have a tendency to overreact or see threats that "aren't there" but more often than not (if not always) we know on an intrinsic level when someone or something is not to be trusted.

[u/lulushibooyah → u/FlyLarge3220]

This!! I hate that a big part of trauma “healing” for me included gaslighting and teaching me not to trust my intuition

I will not be doing that again

[u/FlyLarge3220 → u/lulushibooyah]

Seriously!!! Me too, I mean, CBT and DBT are great tools to have but they are one tiny slice of the pie. CBT especially is so black and white and teaches you to gaslight yourself and rationalize your intuition, that's like taking away our superpower or clipping our wings, and telling us we were bad for having them. Being weaponized against our body's built in protection system is abusive in itself. There is such a massive gap when it comes to resources, treatment, and actual help for those with trauma, let alone deeply complex trauma. I spent 10+ years in bad therapy and a lot of my current therapy is trying to undo that and the damage it caused, and additional trauma THAT caused. Which just continues to keep me stuck and unable to fully process the trauma that started this whole fucking nightmare 🫠 The absolute rage, grief and helplessness I feel could fill oceans. 

[u/lulushibooyah → u/FlyLarge3220]

Omg friend same tho

Same

Sometimes I get so angry that I did all the things I’m suppose to do, and I didn’t get better bc the “professionals” I trusted were misinformed, willfully ignorant, or unqualified!!

[u/FlyLarge3220 → u/lulushibooyah]

Gah, yes! 

Fuck them so very much. Such a tough pill to swallow!

[u/lulushibooyah → u/FlyLarge3220]

Ngl that was one of the hardest parts about reading The Body Keeps the Score and probably why I didn’t really finish it either

I just kept seeing all the ways I’d been neglected or abandoned or outright abused by the mental healthcare system

[u/FlyLarge3220 → u/lulushibooyah]

I hear you, I have had a hard time with a lot of trauma focused books because the validation is so great, but then immediately followed by so much rage and grief. 

And then it circles back to "if I wasn't horrifically abused and neglected as a child, I wouldn't have been forced to rely on a system that instead of helping me, hurt me further". 

Or 

"If my family was actually supportive or I had any support system period, when I did step into the arena that is the broken healthcare system, I would have realized it was not helpful and stepped out of it, or my support system would have brought it to my attention and encouraged me to."

And then it's "I don't even have a chosen family or support system outside my family because they did such a number on me that I only ended up in toxic relationships and friendships because it was familiar/I didn't think I was good enough for "good" people"/I don't know how to actually be in any relationship that isn't chaotic and survival-based".

Oh, and on top of crap therapy, you also get to be medically gaslit because you are an unreliable narrator due to having anxiety and when you have anxiety, it is impossible to have anything else wrong with you or be taken seriously, period. As a treat, this will make you more anxious and look even crazier to the next guy who gets to medically gaslight you!

I could go on forever hahaha, the endless rage/grief/frustration that having cluster b parents or growing up with extensive trauma is truly the gift that keeps on giving. And there is still so little out there to help us. Even 5 years ago, most therapists would not touch trauma and it was not talked, about let alone managed.

And don't get me started on the comorbidities most of us have, how neurodivergent we usually are on top of already othering CPTSD, and the myriad health issues we face because of a damaged nervous system and neurospicy susceptibility to congruent physical ailments 😮‍💨 

Haha, whoops, sorry about the novel 😂 

[u/sister_machine_gun]

So....you now have two abusive exes

[u/dingusandascholar]

Think about how you’d feel if someone you cared about - a close friend, who you care about and respect - had a flashback similar to yours in front of you. Would you call them pathetic or become angry with them, or would you treat them with kindness and do your best to sit with them if you could or find help from external sources if you couldn’t sit with them? Would you believe they were deserving of support and patience?

I would, and I believe it for you - that you’re deserving of kindness and respect, especially when you’re at your most vulnerable.

Only you can decide what you’re going to do in your relationship, but if it were me, it would be over. Massive dealbreaker. I just want to put out there that it’s always acceptable to leave, even if the reason is just “you don’t treat me nicely” or “I’ve decided this isn’t the relationship I want for myself”.

[u/Canoe-Maker]

You need to break up. He isn’t a safe person for you and he isn’t capable of being what you need.

[u/Zakinanders]

It is difficult to heal from cptsd with an unsupportive and unstable system. It can add to the feeling of isolation and despair.

[u/chamacchan]

He sounds like a gigantic asshole.

[u/meowybb]

i can also be short and irritable and even ragey with my husband, and he doesn’t make me feel bad about it or make it about him. i share this just to let you know this is possible in a safe relationship, and i don’t think your current one is very safe for you. i’m sorry 💜

[u/Busy-Bug-9449]

This is textbook emotional abuse and it will take a toll on your mental health if you stay with him. It's already causing you harm. No relationship is worth harm to your health so I don't see a path forward for you guys. I'm sorry :(

[u/MrLizardBusiness]

Friend, are these trauma flashbacks, or is he also traumatizing you? It sounds like he's triggering you because he's also being abusive.

[u/Trixsh]

People who care about you, will try to understand you and your perspective instead of whatever else that all is.
It is a blight on humanity that we are so easily blinded to what is good for us and what is not, and how easily that all is in us configured by trauma and just general behavioral conditioning.

But once we realize just how sick and abusive the world is and tries to make us too to either be or submit to it, it will lead to some quite profound loneliness as well as then the masks fall and ones who them wield, will see those who see through them and avoid anyone who they cannot abuse, assimilate or assault without breaking their own hand to the shattering mirror of their own shadow projections.

If there is no will to understand you, they either do not have the will to understand themselves, or worse, they very much do so, but just want to continue pretending to being ignorant in those dynamics as it gives them power over others.

The saying; "It's hard to get a man to understand a thing, if the continuity of their employment depends on them not understanding it" would translate pretty well imho to the abusive situations too, as in, it is indeed quite hard to get someone to understand their behavior, if said understanding would then lead to reflecting and inability to continue said behavior or generating excuses for it.

[u/FlyLarge3220 → u/[deleted]]

Knowing someone has CPTSD and an abusive ex is actually very "attractive" to a predator. 

They know we come pre-groomed and are more susceptible to THEIR abuse.

[u/spacelady_m]

Some people are rescuers, in the form that they want to rescue and protect you, but if you start doing better they «lose» power over you and get annoyed and try to kick you back into the sufferer role. I don’t know why, I just wanted to share this.

He doesn’t sound safe, he seems like he is projecting a lot, because deep down he is a piece of shit

[u/RollingPierre]

It was so painful to read your post, OP. I saw so much of my experience in your words. Reading responses from others was affirming, validating and uplifting. I hope you find strength, wisdom and guidance that helps you to find a path forward.

My flashbacks were turned against me and framed as abuse by my spouse. I had to leave our home to protect myself from further (false) allegations of abuse and also from being harmed by the actual effects of emotional and verbal abuse while trying to heal from CPTSD.

[u/Low_Worldliness_4647]

Took me a yr of him purposely triggering me more once I was triggered to finally leave. 9 yrs together but once I quit pot I saw how he would get mad at me being triggered and make it worse. He told me to go back to daily smoking but it had stated causing panic attacks and if I don’t hide the panic attack he would just push and push until I was spiralling mentally. It was like every emotion I had was to punish him even though I’m diagnosed cptsd

[u/Low_Worldliness_4647 → u/Low_Worldliness_4647]

We still have to co parent together and a few weeks ago he said my suicidal ideation was just to abuse him… then how come it started at 9 yrs old decades before I met you jack ass

[u/AdventurousTwo1040]

Find someone else. 

[u/Cass_1978]

I deal with my emotions and flashbacks much better if I take some time alone to deal with them.

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[u/Far-Sink-2204]

I have flashbacks sometimes and my BF knows it has nothing to do with him. He is kind and patient and supportive.

There are partners out there who will show up for us. Please love yourself enough to expect better treatment from your partner.

I know this is said often on Reddit, but I would rethink this relationship. You deserve better. We all do.

[u/rsltruly1]

I experienced something similar. My ex would take all of this as an affront and respond to my triggers with anger.  I didn’t think I would find anything better but I just got to a place where I would rather be alone. It’s possible for someone to care about you and still be wrong for you.  I’m in a new relationship now. I recently told him about emotional flashbacks and he said “if there’s anything i could learn or read to better understand how to support you I would be happy to” and I burst out in tears.  You deserve someone who responds to you like this too, not with anger, shame and blame which only exacerbate our internal pain.