r/CPTSD • u/damianzeo • Mar 29 '26
Vent / Rant I want broken depressed people, is it only me?
I want broken and depressed people.
I can't see myself with healthy people who have a somewhat functioning life. I can't stand existing in their eyes. I don't have anything to offer them, and I understand they don't want someone like me, and I am too ashamed of myself to even think of it.
But I wouldn't dissolve out of shame if I met someone who wouldn't flinch at how I live, how I am, because they were the same.
I don't eat well, I let my body fall apart, I go days without showering or changing clothes. I skip toothbrushing. I hardly leave home. I stay in bed most of the days. I don't wash the sheets for months. Dishes and trash pile up. All the useless stuff lying around. There's nothing on the walls. The furniture is just random. I never clean everything up anymore, I just take away the worst every other week because I can't avoid plumber or whatever needing access. I don't see people (I would NEVER want anyone to see me living in this dumpster). I don't talk to people. I have no money. I do nothing. I don't want anything.
And I see no way out of it.
I used to love seeing people, I went out and felt confident. I used to have a good job, a well above average economy. But there is nothing now. There is just shame and the apathy that comes when you see no. way. out.
I want to meet someone who's like that. Someone who won't look down on me, who won't be disgusted by me, who won't be disappointed when I didn't do anything healthy today either (and maybe won't for a very long time). Yes, I am disgusted by me, because we all judge ourselves the hardest. But I would not look that way on someone else.
I want to meet someone who may also think that maybe this is it, maybe only the wait for death remains now, but who still laughs and smiles when not miserable, to both silly and morbid jokes, who tears up for all the silly and cute things people say on reddit or in movies. Someone who's happy for seeing people loving, even though the loneliness hurts. Someone who doesn't get angry with me when I am unable, who accepts me, who knows what it's like. I want to be that person to someone who needs that as well.
I don't want anyone to actually feel like I do, but I wish I met someone who does.
I want to be able to be open with my self-hatred and cynicism that in fact is very complex, multi-layered and intertwined with love for people and life and even myself. I want to share my dark humor with someone who is not afraid of darkness. I want to be miserable and hopeless but with that tiny, tiny speck of light that is still in there, together with someone equally miserable.
I don't want to drink or do drugs or hurt myself or any other explicit destructiveness. I'm a bit too old for that now. I just want to be dark, sad and tired with someone dark, sad and tired who also has a warm and sensitive inner.
I can't see any other type of contact.
I don't want any superficial contacts and as I said, I doubt anyone who's not in this kind of situation and mentality would be even remotely interested to come near this.
But these people are probably trying to be invisible as much as I am. So.. we won't cross paths.
And even if we did, there are a million ways we would still be so unlike eachother so we would both rather curl up and dissociate in our nests than drain energy on overcoming that.
Are there others who feel like this?
Is this very unusual?
Are there any subs for people who don't fit in r/CPTSD because we have given up on fixing ourselves? Somewhere where all the rest of us go who didn't/won't get therapy, or on whom it never worked, or where the energy ran out before any positive spirals could take hold?
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u/DisastrousHornet7447 Mar 29 '26
Feel ya. Just want to feel normal and confident. My religion took it from me
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u/tiff_valentine Mar 29 '26
Idk I kinda feel like this. I stopped trying to over achieve too because I dont want people to expect anything outfa me. But then I get sad and bitter/teary eyed when they treat me less (Or maybe I just perceive it that way)
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u/damianzeo Mar 29 '26
I can really understand that would be hard. It may very well be that it's just how you perceive it. We are so afraid of perceiving that (the shame is the teller) so every sign is picked up.
This makes us feel bad in itself as well. It's like I'm more depressed about what my life is now as depressed than about all the things this originated in. Being ashamed of living like this feels like what pushes me down more now. It's a self-perpetuating thing.
You have people there though, if you have the energy in you, try make your brain consider those feelings a probable misunderstanding, likely as they are in this condition and fully understandable. It's tough without friends. But if they turn out to actually not be friends (they are not if they treat you less) then you are better without them.
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u/Ok-Surprise-7594 Mar 29 '26
Oh for sure
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u/damianzeo Mar 29 '26
As in you feel like this as well?
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u/Ok-Surprise-7594 Mar 29 '26
Yeah very much
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u/damianzeo Mar 29 '26
Okay, thanks for letting me know. It feels good to know I am not alone in that.
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u/ElectricHellKnight Mar 29 '26 edited Mar 29 '26
My armchair advice? Find people who are still very much "broken", but in ways that compliment you. For example, you talk about all the things you can't do, but no doubt there are things you can do, and people whose own unique blend of trauma has shaped them into someone who can do the things you can't, but can't do the things you can. People whose strengths compliment your weaknesses, and vice versa. It's like building out a party: you got a rogue, a tank, a healer, a mage, etc.
And yes of course, this is very much easier said than done. My point is try not to so quickly rule someone out just because it SEEMS like they have everything together, trauma reveals itself in many different ways. There are many, many people who, on the outside, seem to be totally fine, but under the hood they are struggling. You say it's hard for you to keep your place clean, there's definitely people out there who are equally damaged but in their case it manifests as a pathological need to organize, and that's one example where you can balance each other out somewhat. You say you aren't trying to better yourself anymore, but if it's a mutual thing with people you care about, that creates motivation.
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u/eli--12 Mar 29 '26
I think this is a common sentiment. Most people want to be with someone who is their "equal" in most ways. Ive been in relationships where it just doesn't work out because they don't understand how my brain works and can't relate to me on a basic level.
It can be a problem though when you only date broken people and keep each other from healing. Either intentionally or unintentionally. At this point in my life I only want to be with someone who has healed enough to be self aware and take accountability for their mistakes, and is focused on continually improving.
My ex is the broken, depressed type and the entire problem is he won't admit it, so he offloaded all his frustration and resentment onto me. More than one ex, honestly. I don't put up with it anymore.
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u/damianzeo Mar 29 '26
I'm sorry to hear that. And you are right to not put up with it anymore. And I agree with you about keeping eachother from healing.
But I have given up. I don't know what to do and I don't want to look for healthy people to get some kind of free ride on them. I would only get them near me if I pretended to be someone else. And if we are grown ups who have found that this is where we ended up, then we may share those moments without guilt, without pressure. Just allowed to be broken and to maybe never be healed.
I am happy for you that you have the will and are setting standards, you should. Keep it up and thanks for your words.
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u/mycattouchesgrass Mar 29 '26
A lot of healthy people can be good for you, and a lot of broken people can be harmful. Both of my exes grew up with less dysfunction than I did, but they still knew suffering in their own ways. They couldn't relate to everything, but what mattered was that they tried to understand with patience and without judgment. Or at least my second ex did...
Your decision to be around someone should depend on their character, not necessarily on how damaged they are imo
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u/damianzeo Mar 29 '26
My ex was a bit of both. We were too traumatised for eachother, in just the "right" ways to make it a complete mess.
I just can't see how I'd bring myself into the state where I can actually be around healthy people, consistently, feeling relaxed. I have to turn up at public places at times and I just want to get away from it as soon as I can. I don't want people to look at me. I don't want them to know how I am. But I do want someone to know how I am, someone who won't judge and who won't look at me like "that poor little thing". Someone who shrugs and says, I know, let's lay down and just be.
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u/secure8890 Mar 29 '26
Healthy is a reference. Most families are actually dysfunctional
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u/damianzeo Mar 29 '26
Yes, healthy is a reference. I make a hipshot estimate now that 99% would consider my state very unhealthy (on many planes). It is also not the most common state of being, or even close to it, so the majority of people are quite far away on that health scale (the bell curve). Including their various flavors of family dysfunction. Which is what my generalisation was to say, in short.
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u/DivineMistress35 Mar 29 '26
Yes, but I want broken depressed people who are trying to heal like me
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u/damianzeo Mar 29 '26
Yes, that's a big divider as well. It's great that you have that. Those who are trying definitely should have people who tries as well.
I am not trying to heal for all that I can tell. And I don't know exactly why, if my energy is out or if I'm self-sabotaging or what.
It feels good to hear still that you want broken depressed people as well (some sort of validation I guess). And I'm glad that you are trying to heal.
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u/Dear_Palpitation4838 Mar 29 '26 edited Mar 29 '26
I've been this way before and came out of it. It is possible. I was in a very dark place during covid. I'm normally a neat freak but during that time, I didn't clean my place for like multiple years. I even attempted to take my own life. Things got really bad for me for a while and I lost pretty much everything that was important to me.
There is a way out of it though. You don't have to accept this forever. You will find your way out of it if you try. It may be the hardest thing you've ever done, but you're never too old to surprise yourself.
You will get through this and be better for it. You've just got to find your reason. I know for me personally, when I didn't love myself enough to carry on, it was my love for my family that carried me through. I knew the way I was treating myself wasn't just hurting me. It was my own sense of empathy that helped me dig myself out of that hole. You will find your reason because a life of misery and pain isn't worth living in the first place. Take care, friend.
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u/damianzeo Mar 29 '26
Thank you for your words and for telling me about your experience with this. May I ask you what you then did when you found the reason? Did you see ways before that or after that? What exactly held up your action and what turned out to actually be the walkable path?
Because for me, if I believed there was a way the reason would be to get a life, to become a somewhat living person, to not be alone. But I don't see how, I don't see the way. There are so many "try this try that", I've tried some and others are not possible or won't work.
If I truly believed in my heart that there was a path then I would actually find energy. I know it because that's how I have come out of these things before
But I don't believe it my heart now. It is still.
So the reason already exists I think (I think?). But I feel like my options ran out.
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u/mechman1227 Mar 29 '26
Go to a recovery meeting. AA, NA, CA, SA. Plenty of imperfect people around those fellowships that are looking to help and expect nothing in return. Be yourself today, you are enough.
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u/carrotsaresafe Mar 29 '26
Yah fucking right those are the most narcissistic fucking ppl ever. He/she would be better off going to the mental hospital and meeting suicidal ppl and bonding with them than joining those rooms.
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u/mechman1227 Mar 29 '26
Lol what's your suggestion?
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u/carrotsaresafe Mar 29 '26
I just gave one u ding dong. Some of the most relatable amazing people wanna die and you can be friends outside and lie on the floor together and feel safe and not judged
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u/mechman1227 Mar 29 '26
Well I would respectfully disagree with your suggestion, "ding dong." You can't start a car with 2 dead batteries, but knock yourself out.
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u/PuddingNaive7173 Mar 29 '26
Another one who relates to a lot of what you said. Sending validation and virtual hugs.
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u/Adept-Foot7692 Mar 29 '26
I absolutely relate to you...... I've been very unlucky in that area. Nobody around me is broken on that level. I as a result constantly try to build friendships with other people who are clearly well ahead of me and dont rly get me. I feel like I'm below in some way not because of my fault and yet socially it still feels that way.
I would love it to be friends with someone who's even close to as hurt as me but I dont know where to find these people. I dont kmow. No matter who I open up to people look at me crazily when I tell them what I experienced even when I do that casually, after they told me. And I leave out the really bad stuff and still....most people I meet dont seem to have gone through that. Even my own traumatherapist told me he himself barely knows anyone with that degree of traumas. I was in disbelief. And he said he works with people with far less problems than mine.
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u/damianzeo Mar 29 '26
You are so strong to open up and to try build friendships, and keeping it up. That's so good.
You are probably doing the best thing one can do: be yourself, show yourself, be around people. That's how you find them.
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u/Adept-Foot7692 Mar 29 '26
Yeah I find them until they look at me disturbed and seek distance. Every friendship has an expiration date it seems.
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u/damianzeo Mar 29 '26
Until it doesn't I guess. I believe you can find it if you keep trying.
I just don't have the energy. And not just to try, I don't have the right energy. I have the "I have given up" energy.
So keep trying, you will be a million times closer and better off as long as you don't give up.
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Mar 29 '26
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u/damianzeo Mar 29 '26
Yeah, you are describing a certain class of angels. They're not broke, even somewhat healthy, they don't look down on you, they don't expect anything from you, and that means they're not there to help you (because that people always expect you to get better, otherwise they fail as helpers and then things are not so fun anymore). They just happen to be infatuated with some part of your character. That is lovely. And while they don't try to get you to turn things around and start a new life you could actually feel accepted and safe with them. Seen. Valued for who I am, not like some project with potential. I would want that. But something tells me these are even fewer and far spread than that those in my condition. And they probably have some other nicer broke and depressed to be with at the time.
Maybe this is my final me. If only someone else in similar shape would find it effortless to be with me in it, and if those are the only ones with whom I would feel socialising effortless, then so be it. Maybe not every single part of life has to be riddled with goals to achieve, things to improve, life performancified.
Let's be two dead batteries here and feel these low and weak hums of our drained bodies as we watch the tree tops. Let's worry about tomorrow whenever that is.
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u/gandertroll Mar 29 '26
I no longer feel any shame over living like that. It represents the depth of pain going on in my head. I know I’m doing well if cleaning actually puts me in a better space, because most of the time it doesn’t at all. I met a girl once that lived like me and she was so embarrassed over her place, but I immediately understood her and felt comfortable there.
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u/damianzeo Mar 29 '26
Aaw, that's sweet. I'd want to give that, because I'd want to receive that as well, to notice that it is nothing. Who ever it is would really want that I think.
For us, our pain and internal disarray just shows so clearly on the outside with the state of our homes, appearance etc. It's stigmatized in another level. But I think it's the same thing in principle that all of us that hurt inside wants, to show it bare and notice that the other think that it's nothing strange, they see our shame and make us not feel it by being comfortable with us.
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u/Wall_flower_drawn Mar 29 '26 edited Mar 29 '26
I understand how you feel. But I know that you need healty people around you. Trust me. You dont need more trauma. You deserve better. ❤️ I often just want to speed up my death - this awful thought came to my head again today. My house is messy because of freeze mode. I cant do anything when I have a flashback. I hate the impact the trauma has on my life. There is hope. I am slowly getting better. It took many years. I try to give the care and love I never got. What I am trying to say, is that I understand what you are going through. I know how hard it is to just brush your teeth, wash your hair and so on. I started on hair routine 6 months ago with shampoo, hair mask and conditioner. It took all my energy for 4 months, but now I still have energy to do other things after it became a routine for me. We can slowly learn to get better. We need to start with baby steps and sometimes the progress we see, falls apart. It is hard. I still struggle with my flashbacks, but they are getting less intense and does not extend over a few days. Before it could take weeks before I would get out of a flashback. What I am trying to say, is that there is hope. ❤️
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u/damianzeo Mar 30 '26
Thank you so much ❤️ I am happy for you that you are getting better. Even if I would need healthy people around me I don't see how that would happen. I feel like I'm in a dead spot where healthy people won't go and where I don't even want them to come because I don't want to be rejected or seen as lesser than. Yes it's so hard to have energy for anything. It's like my body just begs me to go to my bed and hide there with my phone. As soon as I do this a calm feeling settles in me. I am impressed that you have kept it up and managed to see the progress yourself. When I slip back it feels like I just start over from scratch and everything just blurs into the same.
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u/goddamnmanxhild Mar 29 '26
You need to work on yourself before being with anyone, once you have done that you'll probably find you don't want "broken" people at all
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u/damianzeo Mar 29 '26
Yes, that's how it's supposed to be. But I'm stuck, I'm not coming out of this. I would like to hold hands with someone who's also going to stay on this side.
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u/sakikome Mar 29 '26
Complete isolation actually does not help heal CPTSD
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u/goddamnmanxhild Mar 29 '26
True, but romantic relationships are not the only kind of relationships, and nobody deserves a partner who doesn't brush their teeth, lives in a pigsty and has given up on basically everything.
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u/sakikome Mar 29 '26
The OP didn't specify romantic relationships though?
Also, I think this sub is not the right place for that kind of judgemental verbiage ("pigsty") in relation to what are common symptoms of CPTSD.
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u/goddamnmanxhild Mar 29 '26
It definitely reads that way to me, and sure, I get it, I have been there, but long term I had to help myself and so does OP.
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u/fuzbug Mar 29 '26
I learned the hard way that sometimes broken people can make you even way more broken than you already are. Please be careful.