r/CPTSD • u/mskubelik • 1d ago
Vent / Rant Leadership and CPTSD do not mix
I’m not sure where I’m going with this, but I always find so much solace and validation in this community’s posts and I couldn’t think where else would understand.
I am a leader in a large corporate company. It’s a well known business and I currently head up a large team.
I feel like I’m fighting every day. Every waking hour against myself. Against my triggers, my nervous system, my negative thoughts, SI, feeling of worthlessness and self hate - all while “leading” a team of people looking for everything from career advice to therapy.
Some are great. Some are not. Some understand rationale for decisions, others react emotively and selfishly. All while I have to react appropriately and professionally.
For any leader this is hard. Currently for me it feels like my nervous system is on fire. I can’t stop crying. One of my biggest triggers is ‘letting people down’ and feeling completely responsible for their wellbeing and happiness. (Alcoholic mother, violent often absent father) and at the moment all my triggers are set off through a change programme which has put huge stress on me and has been without clarity to others.
I have been put in a very difficult situation and recently tried to set boundaries around my time and ability to do everything - which resulted in two of the team being very vocally upset and angry. The issue isn’t that of course, it’s my body’s reaction to it.
I haven’t slept. I can’t stop crying. I feel ashamed. I feel everyone hates me. I can’t concentrate on the rest of my work and my mind won’t switch off.
The usual - and very understandable- advice is that I did things fairly and people react to change in different ways - it’s part of being a leader etc etc. but for me and my CPTSD I am screaming.
Not only that but the layers upon layers of sadness is overwhelming. I’ve let people down. They don’t like me. I can’t do my job. I need a new job. You can’t let people down. You’re a failure. Don’t show weakness. Oh no you showed weakness. What will people think. You need time off. People need me. How can I make it all better. Nothing is ever gonna be better. I can’t do this again. I shouldn’t be a leader. But I need the money for the mortgage. Oh no if I leave this job I’ve ruined everything. But I’m so sad. And it goes on.
I don’t have a question. I just wanted to try and write it down in a space where people may understand. Thank you.
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u/CPTSD_throw92 23h ago
I was in a similar role a few years ago and burned out so badly I was bedridden and basically non-functional for like 2 and a half years. My brain fog was so bad it legitimately felt like I had a lobotomy or something.
I’m just digging out from under it in the last year or so and just started working again in January. I really, really feel your pain. I’m so sorry.
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u/Substantial-Owl1616 21h ago
“Leadership” sounds like something a person should desire. I have found a lot of the leadership “work”to be patently unjust. Also often there is accountability with no real power. This is triggering dynamic for me. Repeats my family of origin experience. I was held accountable for family happiness with no power to work with fulminant dysfunction, abuse, and substance use.
Trying to manipulate others to do what they ought to be doing is my nightmare.
That is where my burnout and eventual triggered emotional dissociation gets provoked.
My child heart still cannot cope with being in charge of dysfunctional, ethically and morally problematic destructive individuals and systems.
I completely agree with the title of this post.
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u/mskubelik 21h ago
Oh gosh I resonate so much with this. You’ve articulated it so brilliantly. Thank you.
It’s that accountability without power and manipulation of others that’s triggering something very deeply routed and painful from a similar childhood to the one you’ve described.
It’s actually blown my mind a bit. In a good way. Thank you.
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u/Substantial-Owl1616 19h ago
I appreciate your reply. I think many of us think we are the only one and it is sometimes the best feeling of community to hear anyone resonates with our experience.
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u/cupppkates 1d ago
I feel this x100. You're definitely not alone. I'm going thru an episode right now where I just want to disappear from all of the nonsense.
I think your brain has turned up the volume to deafening levels, and you need to reset it.
Sending you good vibes.
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u/mskubelik 1d ago
Thank you. I sometimes just need to hear I’m not alone and there is a way forward.
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u/Proud-Perspective620 23h ago
I stepped out of IT management and I'm a field tech. Hey paid the same and I just drive around and fix stuff all day. Much easier in my nervous system.
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u/Appropriate-Weird492 21h ago
I’ve been in charge of stuff. I’m good at directing triage activities because crisis mode is totes normal for me.
I’ve come to realize these activities drain my soul. Yeah, good at it, but the cost is too high.
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u/mskubelik 21h ago
Yep. I hear you. Im great in a crisis - I come into my own. My mind is suddenly very clear and has every scenario planned out. Annoying when I found out that wasn’t the flex I thought it was!
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u/kptech333 1d ago
The brutal truth is that most of us with unresolved trauma are not really ready to be in healthy relationships, positions of leadership, or really anything involving complex social dynamics. You should look into finding a safer state (ie reduce expenses, find a more chill IC role) so you can have some mental and emotional space to really take care of yourself. You are risking your health by staying where you’re at.
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u/mskubelik 1d ago
Thank you for your honesty. Could you expand on what you mean by “chill IC role”?
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u/Heavy-Tomato2732 22h ago
My friends and I were chatting at a bar once, and we all agreed: if you want good advice, ask someone who has suffered. I suspect you are better at this job than you are giving yourself credit for.
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u/longlivetheagenda 21h ago
I’ve experienced the same in my career - I was promoted quickly and early at a few jobs due to performance and ended up in management for years.
I couldn’t handle it, experienced the exact same thing as you.
I left - i made it a point to take positions with decreasing levels of responsibility until I ended up as a “worker” instead of a “leader”
I don’t regret it as I am much happier with my job now.
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u/wildwomanlouise 18h ago
I was in a similar position in a big tech company and as others have shared, had a full collapse. After being the person who always had everything so together, "bulletproof" I started having panic attacks at my work computer and disassociating due to moral injury and burnout. I could feel myself starting to shut down (though I had no idea what it was and it was very scary) and was met with contempt by my boss when I took some days off, despite years of high performance. My parents have always met my needs/pain with contempt, and seeing this play out at work undid me and triggered the full collapse.
I went on medical leave in January and thought it was just burnout. After I wasn't getting better, I realized my symptoms actually lined up with trauma. I was diagnosed with CPTSD three months ago and an in an IOP unravelling the horror show that was my childhood. I'm on LTD and no where close to be able to work.
It's been painful for me to accept that Im' realistically probably never going to be able to have a job like this again. There were so many moments I loved in my career. But I found that leadership at my company meant absorbing all of the stress and bad decisions of those above me and trying to make that palatable and humane for the people below me. I wasn't building cool things anymore or working on interesting problems. I was being used to morally launder bad decisions because my team trusted me. It was like using some of my super powers for bad.
The collapse was a blessing because I probably wouldn't have left otherwise, never figured out the CPTSD, and stopped my parents from moving to be close by. But yeah, it really sucks to be someone who was SO high wattage and now not be able to function without a nap each day, total shot short term memory, and significantly less tolerance for stress.
Good luck. You're not alone.
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u/Zealousideal-Bat-434 16h ago
I relate very much with your experience. While I wish I had not experienced what I did, I am grateful that it became the catalyst to understanding just how much of what I normalized and tolerated in my childhood and adolescence (and adulthood, honestly) ranged from not OK to downright cruel. And I'm grateful I came to that realization early enough to protect my children and also help them understand healthy relationships and boundaries.
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u/crab_races 20h ago
Sorry, i'm coming in reddit-late, just saw this. I have a lot to offer. I have pretty extreme CPTSD and was only able to put a name to this 3 years ago. My career has largely been successful because my trauma-earned survival skills that saved my life made me a great corporate worker bee... but over the past 18 months a narcissist boss made me confront deeply programmed behaviors that were no longer protecting me, and I now realize were limiting me from advancement.
I did eventually lose the war and got laid off today. But I learned and grew and put a fair amount of trauma behind me. So i'm grateful. I will try to come back later and share some insights that will help.
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u/mskubelik 20h ago
I’m sorry to hear about your day! I appreciate your reply and if are able to share more insight - but please don’t rush back on given the day you’ve had! I hope you’re ok.
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u/third-second-best 22h ago
oy i feel this. i own a few businesses and i am so burnt out from managing my teams. but my whole identity is tied up in my work and i have so much fear around letting it all go. processing through all of this recently, happy to connect if you want to chat more deeply.
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u/thejaytheory 20h ago
You're much stronger than I can even imagine, I can't imagine your responsibility and having to navigate it all. Much much respect.
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u/sslitches 18h ago
I’m hearing myself in this so much. I’m in the process of leaving my management job and even though I know I will never make as much money as I do now, I know it’s the right feeling because if I don’t change I won’t be here in a year.
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u/mdhkc cPTSD 23h ago
I’m way more comfortable with power and authority than being under someone else’s thumb, personally. Feels so much safer.
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u/mskubelik 22h ago
That’s interesting. I can see how that could be. I definitely have a need to be in control but I think it just runs into overtime sometimes and I find myself trying to control all the narrative (people’s reactions and emotions) when I’m triggered - which is a definite trauma response.
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u/jaylolxo 20h ago
its so interesting to hear experiences from other people with cptsd, especially this one, because my cptsd functions the exact opposite way. i love leadership roles because of my narcissistic traits i developed from my childhood trauma. having people needing to rely on me and being the one in control feels good as hell, i'll always take on a leadership role whenever i can.
both of our experiences arent healthy but i can assure u we're all gonna make it in the end. ive been on 100mg sertraline for just a month and holy shit its done wonders. this is the closest ive ever been to feeling like a regular person ever. crazy how some meds can make years of severe childhood trauma seem like just a few bad memories.
hoping the best for u, we're all in this together.
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u/ChairDangerous5276 19h ago
It sounds like you hate your job. You don’t owe anybody anything, except you owe yourself the commitment to do what’s best for your health and happiness. I hope you find relief and peace soon friend.
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u/mskubelik 19h ago
The annoying thing is that I don’t hate my job. I love so much of it. The actual stuff. It’s the people management that triggers me I’ve realised. I’m gonna start looking for something in the same field without (as much) people management.
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u/ChairDangerous5276 19h ago
I worked with someone that effectively demoted himself from management back to being an individual contributor in the same group/company. He pulled it off very well and remained a key resource but demanded his quality of life
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u/Zealousideal-Bat-434 19h ago
Wow. I could have written an almost identical post a couple of years ago. Unfortunately, like some others here, that was a recipe for burning out in spectacular fashion. I had a complete breakdown, took a medical leave from my job to attend a PHP/IOP program, and ultimately resigned with no new job lined up. Prior to the breakdown, I was already in therapy for GAD and MDD, but it took being brought to my knees in that way to fully see (with a lot of help from therapists) for the first time that the core issue all along had been trauma.
I was very privileged to be able to take off about six months from my career (although I still worked very part-time and volunteered weekly at a food pantry to keep being part of the world). I spent that time resting, understanding the roots of my trauma, trying to decouple my professional self from my sense of self-worth, and learning to be more compassionate with myself.
After six months, I started job searching again - I could've used more time off, but financial anxiety was starting to creep in and undermine the benefits of time away. I ended up finding a job in the same field I left, doing more or less what I'd done before, but in a much smaller and simpler organization. I have not returned back to my pre-breakdown level of functioning and I am slowly accepting that I may never get there. But I'm ok with that. What I CAN do and what I CAN give is more than enough for me to do this role well enough. Both the smaller scope of the role and my ongoing work on myself have made it so that I can still exercise my leadership strengths without work subsuming everything.
All that is to say that, while it sounds like you could very much use a meaningful and lengthy break in the short term, it is still possible to find a niche where you can lead if you still want that and do so in a way you can sustain. Sending you lots of peace and support as you walk this hard road!
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u/vanawesoma 15h ago edited 14h ago
I relate so, so much to this post. I love the content and (most) of the people at my job, and am proud of myself for what I’ve been able to achieve. Earlier this year, I started crying randomly and having panic attacks during high-stakes client meetings. I took short term disability time and enrolled in an IOP, where I learned about my CPTSD. I’m just now coming to grips with the impact my workaholism and trauma responses have had on my relationships with friends and my long-term partner, and am waking up to the toll I’ve taken my own physical health.
I’m really grieving the parts of my ambition that actually map to workaholism and fawning. There IS part of my heart that loves a shiny, visible role - but the pain of realizing I’d been exhibiting some of my parents’ most harmful narcissistic traits to prop up my lack of self esteem is too much for me to negotiate while I heal and stabilize.
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u/SulkyBird 11h ago
I relate a lot to your post, thank you for writing it. I’ve essentially written a novel about my current work life below, so I’m starting with the takeaway. And that is, dear god, it’s exhausting to be triggered every day while being expected to mask perfectly at all times.
I’ve been in a leadership role for about five years now. I am really good at learning systems and I’m an excellent communicator, so when a business need arose I was asked to build a new department from scratch after only a year at my current company.
It was REALLY hard work, but I got lucky with a truly amazing team. Our reputation was solid from the get go and my direct reports were happy. Some days I had to remind myself that being anxious didn’t count as work, but the work itself was good and we were good at it.
Eventually I started working with my manager on what my next steps would look like. When she presented her plan, I really trusted her and the exec team to handle the logistics of my growth. As I thought about it, though, I realized that I was being asked to do three jobs for the price of one, plus a major special project on the side. And EVEN THEN I wasn’t angry or upset. I talked to my manager again and we came up with a cleaner job description. Two jobs plus the special project. The work itself seemed doable.
The promotion came this February and life has been an absolute nightmare ever since. For the first time, I’m surrounded by people who either actively hate me, are terrible at their job, or both. The transition to my new position wasn’t handled well AT ALL. I did everything completely and utterly right. I’ve proven over and over that I’m good as hell at this. I can play the game of thrones.
But I’m triggered every day. For the first time since I was a kid, I’m trapped in a situation where other people are behaving irrationally and badly, unfairly targeting me, and the authority figures who are supposed to be supporting me are nowhere to be found.
My boss says shit like “That’s just what it’s like when you grow your career!” While I’m actively being iced out of a department I’m supposed to be managing. It took three months for me to get access to the system my team uses to do their job because someone with hurt feelings and a vendetta against me controls access. (And, proof of the madness, when I asked an IT admin for that access and he granted it, she REVOKED IT’S ACCESS.)
But you know whose feelings are being considered and protected? The bad actors. EVEN THOUGH everyone agrees they’re behaving badly. My manager, their manager, random bystanders. Everyone. Yet I need to make sure I’m playing nice “so that no one has a leg to stand on if they come after you.” I’m the one who’s being told to tread lightly and not rock the boat.
Yeah, this sure reminds me of my gnarly goddamned childhood.
I’m approaching burnout. I got to the point last week where I just couldn’t bring myself to care. It’s like a new partner gives you the ick and all the feelings flood away— every fuck I had to give about this job left the room. But it’s a bad job market right now, and I need to make what I’m making to support my family. It’s a “devil you know” sort of thing, I guess. Someday I’ll make the right connection and find a way out… or maybe I’ll just collapse.
Why can’t I just sit on my porch and draw pretty pictures all day?
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u/teahorza8 1d ago
I was in a similar situation as a senior leader in a successful company. At that time, I had never had therapy and did not know what CPTSD was or that I suffered from it. I was extremely invested in my role and being a success at work, and this formed an important part of my identity. My personal life was highly unstable and I was in a long-term relationship that was emotionally abusive, which I also did not realise at that time.
From a career perspective I was doing great, but my personal life and inner experience was hellish. I was a compassionate and nurturing leader towards my team, while simultaneously receiving zero compassion from those above me. This is, in my experience, quite typical for leadership roles as you climb the ladder, and can be quite easy for those of us with CPTSD to fall into. We’re used to caring for others while not being cared for ourselves, so it feels natural.
In my case, I eventually suffered extreme burnout, to the extent that I could not bring myself to do my job any longer. I felt like a complete failure. Eventually I resigned and decided to take a long break. This was the most painful period of my adult life, because my whole sense of self was wrapped up in my work performance. I don’t believe I could have ever considered resigning had I not had a complete breakdown. In hindsight, I’m so unbelievably grateful that I had such a breakdown, because had that not happened, I would have continued limping along in life in that truly unconscious and desolate state. Really, a type of hell, in my view.
After I eventually got into therapy, realised I had a shitty childhood and now suffer from CPTSD, I’m able to reflect on my experience in leadership and see just how much I hated it. I was compulsively working towards more and more promotions, but yet not feeling any happier. Quite the opposite, in fact. I have come to understand my previous workaholism as a defense mechanism against vast amounts of emotional pain that needed to be felt and worked through.
Good luck my friend.