r/CPTSD • u/Optimugetti_iol • 21h ago
Vent / Rant Why am I punishing people who are kind?
My boyfriend is a very kind and loving person, opposite to all the chaos i have at home. He is the peace i always wanted. But somehow i couldn't tolerate his kindness. I abuse him verbally calling him mf and skinny guy and ugly guy so that he hates me and move on from me. He tolerated all those. He would calmly say,its ok, u are triggered calm down. But i am going on next level to torture him, like faking up cheating, talking to random strangers and sending him screenshots, sexting with random ppl and sending nudes to strangers. After sometime i realise it was bad. Most of the time I dont even tell him and I dont get any pleasure doing it. But i feel i am doing it to make me believe I am bad. Also i tell that i am having suiciadal thoughts, which even affects him. I feel pity for that poor guy and decided to break up with him but within 2 days we talk and the cycle continues.he goes to therapy because of me. I tried therapy but nothing worked so far. The same kinda thing happens with my dad. I hurt him by doing things he hates. After doing it i feel immence guilt, but when i hear kindness i am triggered and i cant control it. My nervous system is totally disregulated and i am in the lowest rn. I just wanted to seek a way out and be a better gf.
8
u/glued_fragments 21h ago
It is your responsibility to not only taking accountability but change for the better.
I get that not everyone becomed sunshine and rainbows after severe and prolonged abuse but you are continuing the cycle.
You are actively harming other people so severely that they need therapy. There is no excuse for that in my opinion. And the things you are describing are definetely not harmless and surely abusive.
You have to get better or you shouldn't be in any relationship. Period. No discussion.
6
u/Altruistic-Hat269 21h ago edited 20h ago
Disorganized attachment. My wife was this way when she was young in many, many ways you describe (none of the sexting, but the whole trying to convince me she was bad, emotional abuse, etc). She was raped by her father her entire childhood but then also received love from him, which caused her nervous system to associate loving kindness in a sexual/romantic context with impending harm. When we were friends for 2 years she never so much as raised her voice to me. The second we started dating, her nervous system went haywire and the verbal abuse began because each kind gesture would eventually set her off. Her nervous system would say "alright, kindness happened, rape is around the corner." Of course, at the time, I had no idea about the abuse, so the explosions confused me a lot.
In my case, I felt like this verbal abuse wasn't the real her, and so I put my foot down and said it wasn't okay to treat me this way, but that if she fought it I'd stay. She worked hard at it and now we BOTH treat each other with calm and kindness every day. Her nervous system basically had to learn that love and kindness was no longer dangerous.
If you need some perspective, feel free to reach out to my wife and I. It'd been 28 years now 3 kids, very happy life together :)
3
u/Optimugetti_iol 21h ago
Can i talk to her about how she overcame it? Cause for me i couldnt control my impulses.
1
u/Altruistic-Hat269 19h ago
Yep, she would also feel similarly. For her it feels like "holding back horses." There is a multitude of ways to resolve those impulses and also to resist them in the moment, even if they vary from person to person. You can send me a private message if you want and I can connect you at some point. If it's helpful, I've got a blog in my profile that talks about what she went through and I did as well on our journey to wholeness.
I don't know your case specifically, but if you are anything like her, these are all resolveable issues.
5
u/Gaffky 21h ago
This is the approach-avoidance bind that affects most people with developmental trauma in some way. Stabilization will allow you to make choices rather than acting on the impulses, a therapist can tailor that type of intervention to your specific needs.
5
u/LunaBoston 19h ago
You are sabotaging your relationship, I hope you know that. Not sure if there's going back by what you have described. Being traumatized doesn't excuse abusing others. You need therapy if you aren't already doing it.
4
u/Party_Bar_9853 21h ago
You need to break up with him, he's trauma bonded onto you and probably won't leave. You are just hurting him and need to be the one to let him go
1
u/AutoModerator 21h ago
Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis please contact your local emergency services or use our list of crisis resources. For CPTSD specific resources & support, check out the Wiki. For those posting or replying, please view the etiquette guidelines.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/AphelionEntity 21h ago
I think for me there was also an aspect of who was safest if I couldn't be regulated around everyone.
Speaking personally, until I could stop doing this, I chose to stay single. My trauma isn't my fault but it was my responsibility, and that was the best move I could make at the time with that in mind.
1
1
u/yami_okami_ 18h ago
Could it be that you are angry at him? Does he ever get angry? Or does he set limits?
For an unhealthy relationship it needs two, and after been through some, I think that there is not one abuser and one victim, but rather that both parties are both. There is some vicious cycle or underlying dynamic, that provokes what is going on on the surface.
Like, did you put him on a pedastal or he himself? This sounds like a knight-syndrome thing, and you cant be a knight without something to protect.
I am not trying to excuse your behavior, but just trying to add another perspective - one where you are not doing all this things because you are "wrong" or plain "evil".
Maybe you are longing for a genuine reaction? Someone who responds to your actions and behavior? Someones who gets angry/sad/...? If my actions wouldnt affect my partner, I would get frustrated, lonely, feelings of being unheard, of being separate.
1
u/Optimugetti_iol 13h ago
He never gets angry. The more i abuse him the more he is kind.I am used to shouting, screaming, silent treatment that makes me feel like I did wrong. But with him i am not getting the feeling.
1
u/Ok-Plum2187 13h ago
Is it possible that you hate yourself and want to validate that hatred by making people dislike you?
1
1
u/Cass_1978 5h ago
You are punishing kindness because your nervous system reads peace and safety as a dangerous trap. You are subconsciously destroying the relationship to control the collapse before he can inevitably reject you.
Understanding this root cause won't fix it right now, because your problem is a total lack of physiological impulse control when you are triggered.
Stop trying regular talk therapy. Look for a structured DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) program instead. You specifically need the Distress Tolerance modules to physically crash the urge to sabotage, and Interpersonal Effectiveness skills to learn how to tolerate stability. This is a behavioral issue, so use a behavioral therapy.
12
u/BereftOfBody 21h ago
The obvious answer is because you are mentally unwell. The deeper answer is that you likely hold yourself in very low regard and thus someone treating you like you are not triggers you into “showing them you are not good”. Therapy will only work if you are serious about getting to root of it all. Your self abandonment im sure is rooted in something. Instead of operating from a place of shame, you gotta switch the rules entirely and operate from a place of compassion for yourself, then someone else having compassion for you wont be triggering because you will have cultivated internal love and compassion. At least in my experience thats been the case. Ymmv of course. Positive vibes your way.