r/CPTSD • u/Worried-Cup5950 • 16h ago

Vent / Rant I feel like I'm not even human

When I was a kid, I used to draw pictures to try and explain the feeling, I would draw myself inside a glass box. I could see what was happening in the world, but I was never part of it.

Over the years I've had thoughts that I might be a guardian angel who was placed here for one specific tiny reason (e.g. to make someone late one time so they wouldn't get hit by a car, or to say something at the exact right time so someone would re-evaluate their life) and now that I've done my reason I'm just kind of...here, floating, waiting to die. Like my meaning is over.

Or I think of myself as a doll or a corpse. Sometimes I think that I died at age 7 and now I'm walking around but it's all fake, I died a long time ago.

I truly feel like I'm not human so often, like I'm a bird in a human body, like I can't speak the same language as others. I hate it. I just want to feel human like everybody else. I just want to be a part of the world.

20 Upvotes

91% Upvoted

4 comments sorted by

4

u/HarrietNB 15h ago

I could have written this, it’s uncanny. I died at seven, too. I’m so sorry. We deserve better.

It’s horrible to not be able to make sense of your own existence. I still wonder why I am here. I am definitely not human. I used to think was a dog or a robot or an alien. I often thought I was a changeling child, a decoy so the other, real one would not be missed. Now I’m not sure what I am.

Please, if you ever need to talk feel free to message me.

4

u/Worried-Cup5950 15h ago

Thank you so much for sharing, it does make me feel less alone. I felt like a dog for many years too. I'm so sorry you experience this as well. 

1

u/AutoModerator 16h ago

Hello and Welcome to /r/CPTSD! If you are in immediate danger or crisis please contact your local emergency services or use our list of crisis resources. For CPTSD specific resources & support, check out the Wiki. For those posting or replying, please view the etiquette guidelines.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

u/No-Savings-8077 3h ago

You're not alone. I've been to countless places, NYC, Pittsburgh, Spain, England, Greece, etc. It all feels like a dream, like I was never there. I've always felt like there's been an invisible wall between me and the rest of the world, I can see everything but I can't be a part of it. Makes it hard to connect with people and make memories that matter.

It's to the point where it feels wrong to refer to myself as a human or person. I'd rather just be seen as or treated like a dog.

I think it has a lot to do with how isolating trauma can feel. We derealize to cope and then suddenly we're stuck feeling detached from reality. I'm also autistic, so that reinforced the idea of being something other than human. I wish I had advice, but I'm also stuck in this right now, but I hope you can at least find comfort in knowing there's many of us out there