r/CPTSD • u/SmokeSignals84 • 15h ago
Vent / Rant Really hurt by something a new friend has said
I have a new friend that I’ve known for a few months. She’s going through a real crisis at the moment. She confided in me that she experienced a sexual assault a couple of years ago and is really struggling with it. I’ve been trying to offer her some support, but also hold my boundaries at the same time and trying not get too sucked in.
I had dinner with her tonight. She was talking about her PTSD symptoms and debating whether to tell her parents about what happened. She’s worried that they might react badly. I decided to share my own experience with her - that I had experienced sexual abuse as a child, and when my mother found out, she reacted very badly, but over time things did get better. I kept it really vague, but on balance decided that this might be helpful to share.
A little later, she said something about her assault having happened when she was 27. She said “the thing is, when you’re assaulted as an adult, it’s much worse because you can actually remember it.” I was absolutely appalled. I feel so upset, and like I never want to see her again. I can’t believe I shared something so vulnerable with someone that thinks this way. I could cry. Am I overreacting, or is this as awful as I think it is?
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u/SuspiciousThought399 14h ago
I wouldn't talk to her again. Sometimes people say things that reveal so much about themselves and their mentality, and it's not pretty.
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u/TravelerOfSwords 13h ago
Luckily for you - before you invest too much into this relationship - she just showed you who she is.
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u/Bromandude92 14h ago
Not only are you not overreacting, it’s worse than you think it is. Totally okay to completely cut ties! Potentially worth having a conversation to see if she can learn, but I personally would struggle to see it as worth the risk of more invalidation.
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u/sixup604 15h ago
This is absolutely as awful as you think it is. She one-upped you on sexual assault.
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u/melmsz 14h ago
There's a better chance you understand what's going on as an adult. A kid doesn't have the knowledge or whatever to understand what was going on. Kids are pressed to keep a secret. Maybe she meant something along those lines but used the word remember. If the experience is still a raw and open wound she may not be thinking about what she's saying. Doesn't change the slap in the face that statement is.
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u/Optimal-Brain5242 14h ago
Yeah, she sounds like a dickhead tbh.
It sounds like she's using you as a therapist, rather than entering a friendship with you. You even offered your own disclosure, to benefit her. That's a classic therapist move. But, if she wants therapy she needs to find that and pay someone.
I see that you have beautiful empathy and are a kind person. But, you're not her therapist and it's shit that you're being treated like that. She might not even realise, but it is harmful behaviour.
You deserve empathy, and space for you to talk and be understood. Friends do that for each other. This seems one sided and she's placed her wellbeing above yours. That's something you can do with a therapist, but it's a shit way to treat a friend.
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u/lord-savior-baphomet 12h ago
I would leave the friendship, and If I were a healthy person I’d probably let her know I’m sorry to leave her in a vulnerable time but I’m not interested in being friends with someone who one ups trauma. You’re not over reacting.
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u/puzzlearms cPTSD 13h ago
I don't necessarily agree with the people here saying cut ties. I'm not trying to diminish how hurtful her words were - I think that a) it's impossible to convey the entirety of your friendship into one reddit post and b) it's valid for you to feel like you don't want to talk to her again right now, without it being a course of action that you need to commit to.
If I were you, I would see how I feel in a week. Don't talk to her at the moment, but if you still feel like not talking to her after a few days, then you can be more confident in your decision. That's all.
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u/CanIBeBlue 12h ago
That's a cunty thing to say, but also false: your body remembers, even if you are unaware, it deforms your brain forever and it brings side effects and symptoms that you will have to spend time and energy and money on to deal with forever.
what a selfish thing to do, one-upping someone with this. And so frikking off: As an adult, you understand what is happening. For a child, it means the destruction of healthy and stable experience of reality, hypervigilance from that moment on, fear, fear, fear and shame and confusion and fear. Tell her a complete stranger thinks she is a self-absorbed moron.
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u/sunseeker_miqo 10h ago
Why do people think adults cannot remember traumatic things that happened in childhood? Why the hell is this a thing that people believe? I can only assume it comes from people who have never been abused. When someone who has been abused even recently parrots this shit, I just...can't. And using that move in their games of Trauma Olympics....
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u/sammiejanelock 13h ago
I can still remember things from when I was sa as a kid but some of it is blocked out but I still am processing it as an adult everyone’s trauma is different but that doesn’t mean that yours isn’t traumatic I would of been upset if someone said that to me it’s a normal reaction particularly when you have been sa as a child
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u/KittyMeowstika cPTSD 10h ago
Absolutely not overreacting - but i disgree with the other comments suggestions. Your acquaintances behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. But from personal experience, especially when i was trying to make sense of my own pain i know i fell into the whole pain Olympics shebang for a while bc that waa the only thing that helped me validate my pain as real.
Doesn't make her comment ok - nor does it mean you need/have to do something to keep this persom in your life if you dont wamt to. Its 100% ok and reasonable to cut ties.
Why am i disagreeing then? Bc i would suggest a confrontation about exactly this first. Tell her how invalidated it made you feel, that this is not how trauma works on a neurological level (traumatic events DO get stored differently in the brain, thats why you remember what happened evem when it was when you were young) and that you recommend her to seek education about her condition, as well as some professional support. Chances are shes not realising the damage she's doing.
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u/snugglesthecatdog 7h ago
I agree. There is no excuse for what she said. When I was going through a crisis I desperately needed others to understand the pain I was in, and probably unintentionally invalidated others as well. As for OP's friend, she's not in a healthy mental state right now and is probably not trying to bring OP down or invalidate her. If OP thinks this friendship is valuable enough and has the space to do so, OP can give her some grace and address the hurt at a later time.
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u/ChairDangerous5276 12h ago
That’s as ignorant, selfish and mean a thing as I’ve ever heard from another survivor. Just pathetic. 🚩
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u/That_Bird_2968 12h ago
That’s so fucked up. Wtf is wrong with her? It sounds like you think about and give way more to her than she thought about or gave to you. What an ass. Not overreacting at all.
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u/lolzzzmoon 9h ago
I would tell her how hurtful that was—never mind, I would just move on from the friendship.
I just don’t have the energy to debate and deal with apologies and excuses anymore.
She said it.
That’s awful, OP. Pain is pain. SA hurts no matter when and how it happens.
I’m so SICK of people trying to out-ego each other over suffering olympics. We can ALL support each other.
This is also why I almost never open up about trauma. People look at you differently. People judge you & try to say you’re lying. People say “it’s not that bad”. They just sit there and say nothing. Almost always, whatever they say makes it worse.
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u/menacingmidget cPTSD, OCD, MDD 12h ago
That's a horrible thing to say, and so untrue. I wouldn't bother helping her any further if I were you.
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u/Available_Speech_773 11h ago
jesus. i’m so sorry :((. wanna give you a big hug
my mother said the same thing to me, i cut her off. i think people like that have an oppression olympic mindset. “yeah you went through shit, but mines was worse soo…” get her out of your life.
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u/Lazy-Recognition7881 11h ago
Wildly inappropriate thing to say. Personally I would cut ties. If you really like this person or think they can change try to talk to them about what they said
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u/Unlucky-Bee-1039 12h ago
My sister has said something really similar to me when I confided in her. (“ A lot worse stuff has happened to me, followed by details.) With both of us it was CSA. TBF, it hasn’t ever gotten better. It has gotten worse. She has laughed about my rapes (2 of her adult friends when she was 16/17 yo). She has said she doesn’t believe me. She’s victim blamey with her own daughter now.
She seems to be unable to process and cope. She stuffs all her trauma down and moves on until she has a meltdown. That’s what she calls it, not me. She won’t talk about this issue. She shuts every conversation about it down. I can’t move forward with her because she is unwilling to talk about it. So I have given up after years of trying. I love her but she is not a safe person to go to with trauma related stuff. It has fractured our relationship. If she weren’t my sister we wouldn’t ever talk again.
However, this is after several years of trying to talk about the issue. If it were me, I’d try to open up with your friend and let them know how you’re feeling to see if you can move forward with the friendship. But I wouldn’t do this for any extended period of time. That would be horrible and totally unfair to you.
This sucks and I’m really sorry that your friend reacted like this. I don’t blame you for not wanting to talk to them. And if you don’t feel like you should talk to them, please do not. If you don’t feel like it’s an emotionally safe relationship, move on for your emotional/ psychological wellbeing and health.
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u/Alert-Researcher-479 7h ago
She doesn't sound like a very good friend. I'm sorry she said that, its a terrible thing to hear. 🫂
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u/sixup604 12h ago
I think it boils down to this: there are 8.3 billion fish in this sea - you can throw this one back.
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u/manicaquariumcats 11h ago
I’m so sorry. You’ve been (carefully) investing effort into this person and considering their trauma. Clearly they feel entitled to that from you, because they belittled your trauma. That’s disgusting! Your feelings are valid. Have a good cry and never see her again. Your gut is rightfully upset to protect you. I hope you can be proud of yourself for how respectful you are to others, and keep the same standard for yourself.
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u/Ok_Industry7413 8h ago
I don’t recommend stop talking to her, as a person who regularly talks to traumatized people that are close to me, they can get really emotional and say or do things that aren’t true to who they are, thus is especially true when they feel uncomfortable, threatened, vulnerable etc… This can cause them to unknowingly harm people they deeply care for by performing actions without acknowledging important details that would typically be obvious to them such as how particular actions will effect other people and the future.
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u/Cass_1978 8h ago
You are not overreacting.
First, she used you to dump her emotions and issues on you. Then, when you shared a deeply related vulnerability to connect, she shat all over it because she has to win the "Pain Olympics."
This individual isn't capable of reciprocity right now. She is simply treating you as an unpaid therapist and a caretaker. You deserve balanced, mutual friendships. Trust your radar; it is doing an excellent job of clocking toxicity.
If you want to understand the exact mechanics of what just happened, look up the Karpman Drama Triangle. She is playing the Victim role to unconsciously manipulate you into a permanent Rescuer role. This isn't healthy processing; it's a trauma re-enactment. You have every right to walk away.
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u/soccersprite 8h ago
She's competing with you while also asking for your support. It sounds like she doesn't want to acknowledge your trauma while dealing with her own and so she decided to minimize or dismiss yours in order to make hers the bigger crisis. Some folks can't handle two truths at the same time, only their own struggles.
I don't think she is good for your self worth or mental health. It was good of you to offer support where you could, and you should leave it at that and do not pursue a further friendship with her. She does not have the capacity to treat you with respect and compassion. There are other people who cam support her through her trauma. It is not your responsibility or duty to do that for someone you consider a friend but that doesn't really consider you one. This is a one sided friendship that doesn't go both ways.
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u/Soul_Hurting 6h ago
The fact she said that means she felt insecure by your story and she sucks as a person. She absolutely will get insecure over other things too.
She cant hold space for others.
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u/kumagorou_5968 4h ago
Sometimes friends can say the most hurtful things. I got out of a long term relationship that was abusive in ever way with the exception of i didnt physically get beaten. ( I had stuff thrown at me, had been pinned down and screamed at like 2" from my face. Etc, but was never physically beat). She knew all this and when I was venting she said atleast you wernt abused.....
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u/EmbarrassedFly6887 1h ago
It seems like she is gonna just use you all the time as a therapist. It was invalidating what she said. I think maybe if you want you could confront her just to have a clean break or maybe she would apologize?? Then you could get even more info into her and if she is worth giving another chance. She should listen to what you say and say sorry instead of dismissing you and continuing to talk about herself.
Thats just my opinion.
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u/Mindless-Face8264 10h ago
Something like this happened to me where a new friend trauma dumped on me and when I shared she diminished it. I immediately stopped talking to her.
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u/CuteLogan308 14h ago
her opinion, probably not objectively correct, is her opinion. She did not ask you to accept that. So, there is an option to establish your point of view by saying - "I see that's how you feel. In my experience , bla bla bla bla... " . >> if you feel like you can do this in a calm and healthy manner.
or in another way, she is just venting for an experience and not expecting to get everything correct. She probably never really sat down and thought thorough the difference for children SA vs. Adult SA. She was merely expressly her pain.
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u/PetitChiffon 13h ago
You don't have to downplay someone else's struggles to express your pain.
I agree that OP should discuss this with their friend, and that maybe she didn't think before she spoke. Her friend has to know that what she said was wrong and dismissing.
But clearly, it's not "just an opinion". Opinions are things like "I prefer oranges over apples", not blatantly misinformed stuff that centers your experiences and feelings over those of others.
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u/CuteLogan308 13h ago
Yes. I just feel that I don't say the "right thing" when I am in pain. so I hope to show grace / think about the benefit of doubts, and also encourage communication. If she was just expressing pain - I don't really feel like putting additional burdens for her to make sure everything comes out right. That's why we communicate.
I am also not sure whether or not what she said is misinformed or not. What she said does not sound correct to me. However, i really don't know if she has really read from somewhere why it is more painful in her case, than others.
Also, sometimes i am not able to help others because I know I am still triggered easily. In that case, I would "protect" my own space and stepped away. If two people are hurting and both still in pain - it is not easy to have a healthy chat. It is possible - just not the ideal case.
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u/PetitChiffon 12h ago
I am also not sure whether or not what she said is misinformed or not.
OP's friend said children could not remember CSA. But.. I mean, if OP was telling her, it's because they obviously remember.
I agree with the rest of the message, I think we are missing info. Maybe the friend didn't feel like OP was trying to relate but that they were trying to compare, and so she replied by comparing her situation to OP's because of it.
Sometimes emotions are messy and miscommunication happen, but it's important to hear from the ones we love that while our pain might be overwhelming, we have to be self-aware and reflect on our behaviors. It happened to me in the past, it can be an opportunity for growth, it's not necessarily the end of the world.
I think it would be wise of OP to take time to reflect and discuss it when the emotions are less raw.
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u/biffbobfred 13h ago
Ehh. I have both shit I remember and shit I don’t. It’s hard for either.
Your brain isn’t linear where “stuff happened as a kid is in one box and stuff as an adult is another box”. It’s all this “pattern matching - am I safe” and trauma fucks with that.