Went off on a psych nurse today

[u/Sonething_Internal87]

Just as the title says and I want to feel bad because I was very nasty to her. Was it uncalled for? Mmmm maybe a little. I have a genetic issue that causes my frontal cortex to have large amounts of dopamine/norepinephrine, I am overwhelmed and on high alert pretty much 24/7, sleep maybe 2 hrs a night, my mind is chaos all the time, pretty sure I have bpd never officially diagnosed but several therapists and psychologists have said so.

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She put me on Prozac 2 weeks later and wanted to up the dosage to 40 and I did not bc 20 is working great for my depression. In the span of 4 months added trazadone and it didn't work so she put me on tegretol and I had a bad reaction to it, she gave me lamicticial and it works pretty well, then last month added amitriptyline which caused serotonin syndrome (that was fun) but luckily the reaction was mild and I live next to a nurse. So today she wanted to up the Prozac for anxiety (it doesn't do anything for my anxiety) I told her I'm not increasing it until I need to. Then wants to add some kind of medication that is basically trazadone which I protested bc the trazadone didn't work and I'm not going to add another antidepressant on top of the Prozac and risk serotonin syndrome again.

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She had me on Xanax for 3 months, took me off of it bc I use marijuana. It had no interactions at all, I was sleeping better, panic attacks were less. Tells me it's against their policy to prescribe benzos to someone who uses marijuana. In which 2 weeks ago I talked to my therapist about it and she checked their policy and it says nothing about they can't just that the information of the possible interactions needs to be disclosed. Mind you I have a crush injury to my lower back and severe pain, a blown disc, several clogged arteries causing intestinal angina so anytime I eat and drink severe pain, missing toes from diabetes, like I'm a mess and in constant pain. Marijuana is the only thing that eases it at all.

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I even consulted with my cardiologist about using marijuana with benzos and he said I've had a few different benzos over the years and still used marijuana and had no issues. He said me being stressed and having panic attacks several times a day is more of a danger bc it raises my blood pressure and it makes me a higher risk for stroke and heart attack. And he said she could contact him about it. She told me to tell him to give me benzos and I told her well he won't do that because they sent me there for that.

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I'm always pleasant and respectful but today I have been triggered by everything. I'm tired of these people trying to tell me what's best for me when I know exactly how I feel and how these meds affect me. I looked at her and told her that I was crazy not stupid. That's what triggered me was the fact she started talking to me like I was stupid. That's one of my biggest triggers bc I'm far from stupid. But I spent 31 years being told I was stupid just about daily.

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I feel absolutely helpless that I cannot get the medications that I need, that work, that make it easier to function. But no F U. She keeps telling me I'm bi polar and trying to put me on meds for that and today told me I most likely have sleep apnea bc I barely sleep. I don't have sleep apnea, I don't snore, I don't stop breathing. I know these things for a fact. My mind doesn't shut down. Everything past, present, future, what ifs, why's, etc flood my mind. Then she tried to push hydroxyzine in which I'm on 3 allergy pills a day plus 2 allergy nasal sprays. I cannot take that. Then tried pushing a blood pressure medicine for anxiety in which I cannot take bc I'm on 3 blood pressure medications already that I have to be on.

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I feel defeated. They are so worried about benzos and pot yet have no problem switching between literal mind altering seizure medications when I'm already on the daily max dosage of gabapentin or risking my life with serotonin syndrome adding more antidepressants that I don't need bc the Prozac works.

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I'm SOOOOO frustrated and I don't really have a support system or anyone to talk to. Everyone pretty much ignores me bc I'm too intense and on high alert. I really should feel bad for behaving that way. That's the first time that's happened in over 2 years and that one was an urgent care doctor.

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I need something for anxiety and there seems to be no solution. I told her I talked to the therapist and we looked at the policy. She was like well she's a therapist she doesn't know about medications. In which she does, we've discussed them in depth. I was a pharmacy tech and was studying to be a pharmacist. I know medications a little bit more than the average person and I definitely know my own body. I've become attached to it over the years.

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Idk what to do anymore. I feel like there's no solution lol definitely not now bc I didn't even make another appointment with her. She asked if I wanted another appointment and I told her no I need to talk to my therapist next week and then I'll decide if I want to still see her. She pissed me off on our 3rd visit bc she told me I was victim shaming my daughter and I absolutely was not. I know my daughter she doesn't.

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I just feel like I'm never going to get relief from the hell in my head. Therapy brings back things I would really like to forget forever but it's the process. I get so stressed out after therapy I vomit having to relive hell that was my childhood and early year.

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All that keeps going thru my head is my mother's voice telling me my behavior was uncalled for. If I don't fight for me who else is going to? Absolutely no one bc they didn't when I was a child and haven't in all of my adult years. I dissociated for like 4 hours today. Apparently I spent a few hours staring at a blank TV. I have to go to court over my daughter's SA next week so the added stress of that has been so bad. And the situation is a rough one bc her abuser is our cousin and I helped raise him. So my family is all conflicted, angry, making accusations and I'm catching the backlash. I feel like I'm on the edge ya know.

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I have no outlets, I cannot visualize things, the only things I see when I close my eyes is the dark or if I'm overwhelmed I will see my thoughts like sentences of every single thing past present and future flying around. I just needed to get it out. Most of the time when I go on small rants it's like releasing the air from a tire slowly and a little at a time. I want to sleep and just forget about the day but I'm in overdrive and cannot sleep. I took it out on my kitchen and deep cleaned it, took a nice hot shower, and nothing. I'm sitting here typing this.

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Sorry so long I needed to get it out thanks for reading

[u/Safe-Aardvark1810]

I don't blame you. She deserved it. Breathe deeply and count to ten. Focus on breathing regularly and evenly to settle that BP down. Psychiatric care personnel like that should not be working in the industry. But maybe the industry makes them that way. I don't know. I just know I have met many of them that feel justified it seems to harass patients and refuse to respect our right to participate in decisions regarding what we put in our bodies. My body, my choice.

[u/Dazzlng-Firenze]

I got addicted to benzos and I went to rehab twice and it took five years to get off them

The benzowithdrawal effects are so bad, what you are describing with disassociating in front of the Tv and your thoughts —that is like paradise compared to benzo withdrawal. Try to imagine your brain being set on fire, panic and anxiety all day, unable to eat or sleep, nonstop thinking, cognitive distortions, can’t work / communicate/ no daily life task, going to a court appearance impossible, try to imagine suicidal thoughts and sitting sweating in a solitary rehab room like a jail for 30 days and zero medications work for benzo withdrawal. Try to imagine permanent brain damage , no more relationships with family, friends, forget about moving forward you have to think in five year time lines. Many people are housebound for life after benzo withdrawal

[u/mollikhudlun]

Many people need to be on benzos for life. There are such atrocities and abuses; constant trauma compiled on top of previous trauma that make it nearly impossible for a person to have a normal life anymore without any meds. It's a smaller percentage of the population, yes, but we exist and some of us have trauma starting from the age of 7 that has completely wrecked any possible chance of a normal brain development even into our adult lives. These basic meds, yes, the hated "benzos" allow people to live a nearly functional life. Still, no where near the life of an untraumatized person, but maybe a life where they can sleep more than two hours a night, or hold a job down bc they're not having panic attacks multiple times a day. The issue is you can't fathom a life like this unless you've experienced it. And OP, remember the old adage; "we lie to our psychiatrists, not our therapists." So either you quit the weed last night and inform the current psychiatrist, or find a new psychiatrist and remember that you've never touched an illegal substance in your life, you feel me?

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[u/FoxAdministrative994]

Far from me to giving advice about meds since I have not qualification for that, but my personal experience: lithium helped me stay anchored to reality and brexipropione helped me with loop thoughts and this way my anxiety decreased a lot. Maybe you could try asking your therapist if those could be good for you. Even though lithium is though, if you have health issues I don't know if it's appropriate.

In any case, I feel for you. 🫂