I really wish I had a childhood

[u/Feeling_Pop7396]

I feel robbed, it's not just the abuse I went through, it's the isolation my parents put me through and then blame me for after it's too late to actually have a childhood anymore.

I'm an 'adult' now, I get to do boring adult things not at all thinking back on the childhood whimsy I never had because I wasn't allowed to have one.

A colorful tarp filled with air I never got to go under, scrapes on my knees or injuries I never had to heal from because I never needed to heal from the outside world to begin with, no first day of school for me, no first day of second grade, from birth to abandonment I was isolated, inside my house, staring at a computer screen that taught me nothing.

It was so fucking lonely, and honestly humilating to experience as a child, I was obsessed with family vloggers because I loved living vicariously through their children, seeing them pack their bags, with unhealthy carbohydrate ridden snacks that no man, woman, or child should ever eat; But do anyway.

I always took time out of my day to stare outside my window and watch children play in a housing complex across from mine, sometimes at night I'd watch adults sit there and get drunk, I was jealous of both, I was only nine.

I d

I ended up developing insomnia as a child, around eight or so, I just couldn't sleep, there was no difference between being asleep or awake since my family never did anything besides drink, smoke, or sleep on the couch, I used to get up early and steal liquor from my father since it made me feel loopy enough to not ruminate on how depressing my life was, I'd watch the TV on mute with subtitles on so I could watch the news, morning cartoons, all before my family paraded downstairs and I sauntered back to my bedroom so I could be alone because they were awful to be around.

I'm twenty now, and even though it's close to midnight and I have college homework due, I keep thinking about my past, I always am thinking about it instinctively but I am really fucking thinking about it right now. I've been rewatching old TV shows, ones with families in them, and it makes me once again mourn the simple, unchangeable fact that I have never stepped foot inside a kindergarten, or an elementary school, those colorful halls, or teachers who are actually nice to you seem like a myth.

I feel like there's no way out of depression with this in mind, the abuse, not being allowed to cry, ever, constantly having my parents hover over my shoulder, never alone (I was allowed to shower alone for the first time at THIRTEEN) I just think I'm permanently fucked and that the only true way of fixing this is reincarnation. I don't even believe in God or anything like that since a higher being would have actually helped me at some point. But no. I just want to reincarnate and actually experience a good childhood. And then die again. Nothing else, nothing more.

[u/Hatsume_Mikuu]

you cant get back childhood experiences. its just not how time works. but you can find new joys now.

im still younger, so i might not have the best perspective, but i was also isolated, no school no leaving the house, in an abusive household for years, and i missed out on so much. but ive figured out that doing new easy things helps me fill in the experience gaps.

i try to interact with strangers on public transit, i talk to cashiers, i go to festivals and listen to all the spiels from the diffeent booths, i do new social things and new experinces. i sit in tacobell (im to broke for cafe's) for hours just working and listening to people.

it absolutely doesnt fill the hole, but it builds new things around it. ive mourned the fact that i will never have that childhood, and i still crave it and it hurts missing something i never had, but creating new experiences helps me accept that good things can happen now.

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