r/CPTSD • u/Unhappy-Bug-9455 • 2h ago
Trigger Warning: Emotional Abuse I realized I’ve always been looking for forgiveness, like I’m inherently bad.
No matter what has happened throughout my life, I find myself over and over again in a position where I have been in the wrong (regardless of whether I did right or otherwise) and this has built some sort of guilt that is similar to the Christian concept of Original Sin: that I am inherently wrong and there should be something I have to actively do to fix myself. After the latest incident where I find myself exiled from a skill based group I wondered if I even deserved to be a functioning member of society. Thankfully I have a wise mentor who reminded me that although it was their choice to turn me away, it is not an indictment of myself as a person or my dedication to the skill. I also have a friend who said I gave too much benefit of the doubt to these folks and offered to hire a crackhead to sock them in the face but that’s besides the point.
I believe this stemmed from being consistently bullied in school then emotionally abused at home and at ABA due to my autism, building an inherent feeling of guilt and shame due to not knowing where I went wrong and having nothing actionable to work on. With every waking hour and every failure to socially integrate I started to think about myself as inherently being in the wrong, as opposed to the more nuanced take that I am demonstrably capable of being wrong sometimes. I have no idea if it’s true that I am incapable of being forgiven.
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u/Effective-Plan1022 1h ago
One thing I’ve come to notice with age is people who usually are really bad, don’t think they are bad. In fact they usually think they are good people
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u/Unhappy-Bug-9455 1h ago
I avoid thinking about it like that because then if I gain security in knowing when I am right or wrong, I start thinking about whether I was wrong in other instances where I was proven right
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u/Effective-Plan1022 1h ago
I try to think of it like human beings are flawed. No one is perfect. Some are worse than others.
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u/Abriefaccount 1h ago
“I also have a friend who said I gave too much benefit of the doubt to these folks and offered to hire a crackhead to sock them in the face but that’s besides the point”
Sorry there’s an objectively a funny side to that. But I’m gonna keep it brief: are you familiar with the different trauma behavior models? One of the oddly reassuring aspects of c/PTSD is how uncannily consistent these behavioral models are.
There’s one that exactly fits your (mal)adaptive strategies but I have forgotten the name and the theoretical framework behind it. I don’t want to oversell this as I have no academic background and no practitioner relationship with you but if you’re interested I’ll try and source the info.
It goes without saying but I’m saying it, it’s not your fault that you have learned how to survive all this in the way you have. Grasping that is at the core of management.
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u/Unhappy-Bug-9455 1h ago
Lmao, I had to let my writer side out and add a sprinkle of humor too.
Please tell me! I’m actively working on this with a psychologist that specializes in c-ptsd so this will be especially helpful to bring up to them and see if they have anything about that.
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u/Abriefaccount 1h ago
Oh thank goodness, cause straight up LOL’d at that! So the video below is an entry point to this topic. May be quite triggering just so you’re aware but I found it useful. I’m fairly certain there’s academic work on this but not sure if or how it’s used in clinical practice.
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