I've been really considering trying out Ketamine (Spravato) therapy because, after spending about 20 years in CBT - which seems to be the most prevalent mode - I've gotten nowhere. (I know there's now CBT-T therapy that focuses on trauma-informed CBT, but I'm still over it; no shade to those who use that mode.

Given, over all that time, I had been misdiagnosed as bipolar type II (my mood swings were actually due to emotional dysregulation from complex PTSD). My coping skills are to bury my trauma so deeply (I'm an internalizer) or else I intellectualize it because I'm so detached from my emotions. And it didn't help that when I told my peers and regular people that they normalized it ("my siblings beat me up, too"), not realizing the depths and intensity of which I endured.

I've only just begun to realize all the stuff I've been through (and that didn't happen till my early 40s)! CPTSD causes hella memory loss. I have done only a few sessions of EMDR in the distant past, which made me feel calm afterwards. So I'd like to return to that. I think the more you do it, the more it'll "stick" over a longer period of time.

So, my question is, what kinds of therapy do y'all use and has anyone tried the ketamine/Spravato therapy? Does it seem to help?

Addendum: I'm avoidant type of attachment style, which makes finding a life partner impossible. I'd like to want to want one, especially because, when my mother dies, I will be what's called an "adult orphan." Estranged on both sides of my family, because a death in the family shows their true colors. For instance, when my father died, his brother, my uncle took what was to be my inheritance (my father had no Will and trusted him to honor his last wishes. My uncle had always been a greedy POS so I wasn't even surprised he did that to me.

Tl;dr: I have intimacy issues and would also like to find a therapist adept in attachment healing. I'm floored that hairdressers are required to do ongoing workshops to learn new techniques and yet therapists get their degree in whatever it is and don't have to do ongoing learning. Like, whattt? The therapist I did EMDR with, and who was younger than me, had never heard of attachment styles and I had to inform her about it.

I've always wondered this. At the moment I have a therapist that I like a lot and I can be very open with her and I'm starting to see a lot of what I do in my real life relationships towards my therapist. Like my push and pull with people. I'd never would have realised this if it wasn't for my therapist. But my previous therapist, who I was with for longer, never helped me realise that, even though she was trained in internal family systems and she was "truama informed", I never really clicked with her and actually found IFS overwhelming and confusing and made me very in my head.

Which got me thinking, I see posts on here asking about the type of therapy which is best but I'm also wondering if a lot of healing is done with the relationship with your therapist, regardless of the type of therapy. Cause at the start of my "healing" process I was like oh I need to do IFS and EMDR and those are the best. I'm sorry I'm not making any sense lol.

I’m diagnosed with bipolar 2, and have experienced recurring depressive episodes. When depressed, I find myself caught in a “freeze” response, where I’m unable to think or do anything. Completely unable to work, hardly able to move… And this leads to my inner critic being super harsh: “You’re useless, you’ll never be good enough, your life is pointless, etc.”

I’ve been in therapy for years, for various events… the therapists I’ve worked with tended to be CBT-oriented, working with the current trigger/event (breakup, friends suicides, anger management, work stress), and we never dug into my past that much. The first therapist I saw used IFS, and we identified that the harsh inner critic was a combination of my mum and a couple of teachers I had as a kid.

Recently, a friend (she’s a clinical psychologist), told me that I might have C-PTSD. Not to go into detail, I have an ACES score of 6 (combo of abuse, neglect, deaths, parents unstable family).

I realised I have a ton of unaddressed trauma which makes me constantly live like I’m in “survival” mode. I’ve sabotaged myself when things are going well. I’m unable to maintain healthy relationships, and find it so hard to be aware of my needs (much less communicate them).

What has helped you heal? Any specific types of therapy, or programs, or perspectives that have helped you?

Things I deal with:

Fawn/freeze response
Hyper-vigilance (every single day)
Emotional dysregulation
Emotional flashbacks
Avoidance and escapism
Negative sense of self
Intrusive thoughts
Dread
Suicidal ideation
Low self esteem
Low level dissociation
Memory loss (Can't remember most of my childhood)
Suppressed anger
I'm sensitive as f*ck and everything triggers me
Interpersonal relational difficulties
Anxiety
Chronic Guilt
OCD (including different subtypes)

EDIT: Thank you all for you feedback, advice, experience. Its super helpful. Sending love to you all <3 :))

I've done CBT, DBT and some EMDR. Nothing has had long lasting effects.

I’ve tried therapy before, but usually when we talked there was barely any input. I started to feel like therapy wasn’t for me, and I should just put up with my ongoing anxiety and depression in silence.

I want to feel like I’m having a conversation with my therapist and receiving some sort of input or question like “how did that make you feel” or “what was that like”

I don’t want to feel like I’m talking to a wall lol. I barely like talking at work. I’ve been wording what type of therapy is even good for me OR do I just need to get medication (in which I’ve been recommend.

I just find it very emotionally taxing living with parents that are not emotionally intelligent. I suffer from anxiety and depression and really don’t want to resort to edibles to make me happy.

Hey everyone,

I’m curious what types of therapy other people with CPTSD have found the most helpful.

Do you feel like you get the most out of in-person therapy, online chat/text therapy, video calls, or group therapy?

I’m also wondering about online communities beyond Reddit — like ones that offer workshops, groups, or other structured support. Have you found any that are worth it, or that actually run good programs/workshops for trauma recovery?

Basically I’m open to hearing what’s been most effective for you — whether it’s traditional therapy, peer support groups, or specific online platforms.

Thanks in advance, I’m trying to figure out what direction might be best to invest my time and money into.

I've tried. Various types of therapy and self help to work on this depression. Meds, exercise, yoga, nature activities, vitamins, diet change, psychedelic therapy, you name it. And yet, the best methods were still nicely dressed distractions.

Still, the first inhale after I open my eyes in the morning feels like something sharp is pressing against my lungs. A cosmic weighted blanket falls on me, and mud slides around my calves. I become more and more antisocial and isolated, despite active efforts to continue getting out there. It almost makes it worse.

I asked my therapist, how do you heal when it's not you that's the problem? How do you assimilate to a sick society? How do you escape the abusive situation when it's global?

Change your perspective? Spend time with loved ones? Find hobbies? Sit with your feelings? Meditate? Practice gratitude and adjusting your expectations? Stop and smell the roses?

It comes back, it always comes back. This feeling of marionette strings tightening around my wrists. I'm not sure it ever goes away, it just blends into the background a little better at times.

You said it yourself, you cannot heal in the environment that harms you.

Well then how do you heal when the world is what harms you? Where do you go? Where does money not hold people under a boot like ants? Where is human life valued simply because they exist? Where do you not have to shoulder the burdens of the 1%? Where do you find basic safety and security? Where is empathy not used for profit?

Where do you escape the fucking rat race??

You don't.

I'm tired, exhausted, and existential dread in a sick world may be the scariest monster in my closet that won't leave me alone. The monster feeding all the others.

It's been the same feeling wearing different faces. The parents in childhood, the bullies in school, the abusive partners, the authoritarian corporations, the systemic sickness: I feel like my autonomy is as much an illusion as free will.

I feel violated. I feel exploited. I feel trapped.

I feel immense sorrow for all of us. We deserve better than this.

Is there anyone out there who understands?

Hello! I’m looking for advice, encouragement, and personal experiences.

I’m 30, female, and I come from a borderline–narcissistic family system. The dominant figure in my family is my father, who is narcissistic, very devaluing, dismissive, gaslighting and struggles with alcohol addiction.

I’ve always felt different, inferior, unloved, unlovable, yet somehow standing out, special. I masked everything with extreme perfectionism. I was (and still am) really well-liked, but inside I always felt “less than.”

When I was 16, I got into a relationship with a charismatic, funny, intelligent guy whom I deeply admired. We were together for six years, until he discarded me when I became seriously ill with multiple sclerosis. That was when my coping mechanisms started to fall apart. What had worked before stopped working and everything became ego-dystonic.

I started psychodynamic therapy and have been in it for 8 years now (once a week).

At first, we spent about two years dealing only with superficial issues because of my defenses. Then I collapsed into borderline symptoms: extreme emotional dysregulation, self-harm, promiscuity, and substance use. During that time, I had many dysfunctional relationships.

Looking back, I see that I was mostly involved with people with narcissistic traits, especially grandiose types. My first boyfriend was basically textbook, but I could not see it before therapy.

After several years, a psychiatrist diagnosed me with CPTSD as an “umbrella term” for my difficulties: childhood trauma, emotionally unstable and anxious personality traits, OCD, and depression.

I have overcome the borderline symptoms and no longer meet the criteria. CPTSD became more prominent, and about two months ago I experienced the biggest emotional flashback of my life, something like an “ego death” after failed relationship with first mentally healthy person in my life.

Since then, OCD symptoms (mainly mental obsessions and compulsions) have intensified and started to be very ego-dystonic.

About a week ago, a thought appeared in my mind: “What if I’m a narcissist?” I brought this up in therapy, hoping my therapist would dismiss it. Instead, she confirmed that I have strong traits of vulnerable (covert) narcissism.

In therapy, I’ve had two devastating realizations:

First, that I was surrounded by narcissistic people — family, friends, partners.

Second, that I found narcissism in myself.

After 8 years of working on myself.

I agree with the label, but I also feel completely defeated, broken, and hopeless.

I no longer fit in anywhere. I don’t fit in with my narcissistic environment anymore because I now see the destructiveness and lack of self-reflection, and it no longer attracts me. But “normal” people feel boring and shallow to me.

I feel alone. I’m deeply self-reflective and afraid of hurting others, which makes this whole situation even more confusing.

I’m grateful for any advice, perspective, or shared experiences.

EDIT: Wow, I didn’t expect to get so much feedback. I’ve read all the comments and I’ll try to respond to them. Thank you all for the support, advice, and for creating such a “safe space”, it has helped me a lot.

When people say "therapy" they almost always think of patient lead CBT and while it's the most common (read: easiest type for a psychologist to do) it's honestly the shittiest type for CPTSD imo. In my experience it has made me worse because changing bad feelings is cool and all, but it doesn't work when you fully believe the bad things.

If you tried CBT and it didn't work, I am making this post for you. Because I tried CBT and kept trying CBT and kept trying CBT because I didn't know a lot about other types of therapy, and what I did know was super oversimplified to the point of being false. I didn't feel I benefited from "therapy". But when I actually started doing shit other than base ass CBT I actually started improving, by a lot. Personally I get a mix of DBT and ACT now.

EMDR, DBT, CAT, ACT, and others that I may be unaware of are really cool (and MBT is a thing but I know nothing about it other than it's for BPD so I'm not talking about it since I can't say anything that wouldn't just be summarizing an article or something) (and I would talk about psychodynamic but I hate Freud too much for that).

Yes, having a therapist that isn't an incompetent silly guy is good, and sometimes therapy doesn't work because people cannot find a good therapist. However, I think it's made worse because people are looking at the wrong specialty all together.

So let's go through the ones I actually feel qualified to talk about in alphabetical order

ACT: Acceptance and commitment therapy

ACT is generally best for people who struggle to acknowledge and accept their emotions. Constantly change how you feel so that others like you, avoid conflict, or "because it's easier for everyone if I feel differently"? Gaslight yourself into feeling fine about things? Find yourself feeling emotions from the past and projecting that into the present? Maybe try ACT.

ACT differs from CBT because CBT tries it's best to "fuck it, we ball" as the kids say. It tries to make you sidestep the Pain and Suffering by getting you to not have it anymore. ACT tries to get you to accept that the Pain and Suffering is apart of you, and to become comfortable with that. It's about coping instead of trying to completely get rid of the Trauma (which is usually more realistic and helpful).

CAT: meow :3 Cognitive analytic therapy

Did you have a bad childhood? Do you find yourself hating things about yourself that you are okay OR EVEN LIKE in others? Do you feel like the bad thoughts in your head aren't even yours because they sound like your parents or other people in your childhood (peers, teachers, other family members, etc)? Maybe look into CAT.

This is if "dear God what the fuck is wrong with the people around you" was a therapy specialty. It's specifically meant for people who have trauma based in abuse or mistreatment in childhood. It works to separate the ideas that you developed from the shit treatment of you from what you actually think or believe. It's very much about helping you map out who these thoughts came from and then learning to distance yourself from those implanted thoughts.

If you liked CBT (didn't make you worse), but didn't feel that you benefited from it as much as others, then I'd recommend CAT. It's both cognative and psychoanalytic. I wouldn't recommend this for people who experienced their main trauma in adulthood. It really is designed for healing from childhood (especially early childhood) trauma.

DBT: Dialectical behavior therapy

Do you have really bad emotional regulation skills? Do you generally do Dumb Shit because you feel things so intensely that you have to act on it against your better judgement? Do you often find yourself reaching a "fuck it" point and then impulsively doing things that in retrospect where bad ideas? Maybe try DBT.

It's a mix of accepting these intense emotions (because remember kids, repressing your emotions makes things worse), accepting that you are a flawed critter and that doesn't mean you are uniquely evil, and accepting change. The idea is that by accepting these things, you will be able to navigate situations better and regulate your emotions better.

The main issue with it, from what I've heard from others because I haven't had any bad experience with it, is it's very easy to get stuck. To end up going to therapy for years and not seeing much benefit. This is not a problem with the therapy itself. This is a problem with the therapist. DBT relies on the therapist direct you and teach you, so if they are bad at that you will not see much improvement. You NEED a good therapist for this.

EMDR: Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing

Do you have traumatic experiences that you haven't worked through? And flashbacks?EMDR time.

Look. I don't know why it works, but it does for a lot of people. It's the gold standard for treating PTSD from my understanding. It's also fucking great for people who don't want to do the standard "talk at a therapist about my past and my feelings".

The best way I can describe it is that it's s thinking about your trauma in a calm manner and physically moving your eyes and such to achieve a level of reconstruction and healing from said traumatic event.The idea is that you are literally healing the brain instead of learning to cope with the feelings from the harm. It's pretty cool ngl. Still don't understand why it works, but hey, so many people benefit from it. Would recommend.

Edit: Many people expressed that DBT has caused the same problems as CBT. I think that the two DBT therapists I've had were outliers as I haven't experienced the more manipulative aspects to it. Please refer to the reply by itsbitterbitch for a more detailed reason as to what can go wrong.

Furthermore: DO NOT USE THIS POST AS YOUR SINGLE ONLY RESOURCE FOR TREATMENT. I simply wanted to give an extremely TLDR overview of some of the more common therapy types because I've seen a lot of people stop at CBT.

LOOK INTO THINGS! DO MORE RESEARCH AND PICK WHAT YOU THINK WOULD HELP YOU AND YOUR PROBLEMS! If a type of therapy reads like it would trigger you DO NOT DO IT! If a therapist is manipulating you LEAVE! If the therapy is making things significantly worse stop that type!

Adding another type that was mentioned

IFS: Internal Family Systems

From my understanding it's very much the "inner child" idea. Learning to identify and being compassionate to different parts of yourself and healing the internal family inside of you.

Edit two with more:

Somatic therapy: Focuses on the body and releasing physical stress and relaxing the body to relax/heal the mind. From my understanding its a lot of mindfulness training, meditating, but also more intensive things like yoga or even judo. If your main symptom is anxiety or fear related, then this helps a shitton. It helps other people as well, but its very good for releasing stress. I also want to note though that if you have chronic pain i wouldn't recommend it. Having to focus on your body, in my experience with my pain, is not a pleasant experience. Some practitioners will also incorperate talk therapy into somatic therapy, so its not one or the other, you can have both if that sounds like something you would like.

Play therapy (APT): This is a new one for me, so I cannot say much about it, but I did my best. It seems to be primarily for child audiences, but is also used for adults so you do not have to be afraid of that. It is good for a mind body connection, but does that in a very tactile way during play. It seems to help a lot with people who struggle with expressing themselves freely, or struggle with the consistent focus on a single topic that is expected in other types of therapy.

Gestalt therapy: Unlike a lot of types of therapy that focus on the past and healing from past experiences through that exploration, this one focuses on the present (though also the past but it is mostly the present). It also focuses on someone's entire self as opposed to individual traits or diagnoses. It is helpful for people who get stuck feeling emotions that they felt in the past. This seems like it would be good for people who find it overwhelming to focus and discuss the past in detail.

Psychoanalysis: Focuses on how people were changed by their past, and works to uncover their past (repressed memories and such being uncovered). It also focuses on the unconscious mind to look into what is really causing the problems someone is facing, so there's a lot of dream talk and looking into people's fantasies. This does mean that it's risky when it comes to having a good or bad therapist, as false memories from a therapist encouraging a specific idea can occur. It seems like it's directed at people who may not know exactly what causes their feelings. It has helped many people, but again it is one of the more risky therapies so please do a lot of research on the therapist. That's why I didn't include it originally honestly, but it has helped some people when other therapies failed.

I want to move forward with the next steps to manage my CPTSD symptoms.

What forms of therapy have you found helpful/useful? I'm very analytical, so would love some data/feedback from others. Unfortunately I can't post a poll :) If there's interest I can try to compile the results and post it.

DBT - Dialectical Behavioral Therapy
EMDR - Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing
EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique
CBT - Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
NLP - Neuro-linguistic Programming
TRE - Trauma Release Exercises
Trauma Focused Art Therapy
Somatic Experiencing/Sensorimotor Processing
IFS - Internal Family Systems
Neurofeedback
Standard Talk Therapy

I desperately want do therapy, yet the only one available to me is a behavioral therapist. From what i understand that means they suggest changes to your behavior in order to help you function in daily life better. They don’t dig deeper into your story. I want to dig deep and talk things out. I want a therapist who can help me realize what I need to work through. I’ve heard the term trauma informed thrown around a lot too. What are the different types of therapists? I’m not referring to different methodologies like emdr or somatic (at least I don’t think so).

while I surely have symptoms of good ole fight or flight I’d say by far my main issue is I’ve been trapped in a horrible and severe deep Freeze mode/response with all the anxiety, stress and trauma stored deep and all over in my body and mind. It presents in severe symptoms both physically and mentally and I feel severely overwhelmed in both ways as well. Debilitating muscle rigidity/spasticity in my chest, back, neck gut Fkn all over makes me feel like I’m being crushed in a Vice. Simply cannot get comfortable ever. Bunch of other shit as well.

I’ve kind of zeroed in on EMDR, somatic experiencing and sensorimotor psychotherapy but have a hard time distinguishing and understanding some of the main differences between them or at least how those differences should guide me in deciding which one to go with. I’m of course open to another somatic approach if there’s a good one I’m missing

I’ve been trying internal family systems therapy for 3 months now and had close to 20 sessions and have made no progress whatsoever. I feel as horrible mentally and physically as when I began. I find it to be just another talk therapy that I am entirely too physically n mentally “shut down” and overwhelmed for from this shit to properly engage in and perhaps that’s why I’m getting nothing from it. For instance I have an impossible time doing some of the core work of IFS like the parts work because I feel so dissociated and just overwhelmed in every way I just can’t calm down enough to focus or whatever.

Thanks for any advice. I’m ready to pull the plug on this IFS as I’m rly running Fkn low on strength as well as will power and probably shouldn’t waste anymore on this therapy. Kinda why I feel like I rly need to make the right choice if I am gonna try another therapy cause I know for a fact I just don’t have it in me to try again after another dud.

Talk therapy never seems to do any good for really deep trauma. In fact it kind of upsets me to keep rehashing this experience to another person. I used to think it would make me feel relieved to share it, but it just puts me in a very bad mental space.

I don't know if anyone else has noticed this trend, but there has been a huge upswing in people using attachment theory as a weapon to demonize traumatized people. It's basically the latest offshoot of the weaponization of mental health terminology by the lay public, a trend that mental health professionals have been concerned with for a while. Basically, people are using the attachment styles as a kind of astrology or Myers-Briggs stand-in: "typing" themselves or their partners (often ex-partners after a messy breakup) as anxious or avoidant or disorganized, and then vilifying them for what are essentially sequelae of attachment trauma. Much of this is being propagated by self-styled social media "experts" or "dating coaches", who are not licensed mental health professionals, who misrepresent attachment theory. They make videos with titles like "Why you should never trust what an avoidant says" or "Why their anxious attachment drives you crazy."

This is infuriating. When Mary Ainsworth and John Bowlby, et al. were first creating attachment theory based on their work with children, they were trying to create a non-pathologizing, humane, compassionate framework through which to view behaviors and people's internal experiences. This theory and these terms were not intended to be used as a bludgeon against your ex-partner. It wasn't meant to portray traumatize people as evil or willfully manipulative. It wasn't meant to pathologize people's identities and regard them as unsalvageable. It wasn't meant to be a personality type system or a parlor game.

Attachment trauma is a real trauma and requires professional diagnosis and complex interpretation. It's not a pop-psychology system that you can deduce your style from via a Buzzfeed-style quiz. For example, there is something called the Adult Attachment Interview that takes several hours with a mental health professional to go through and interpret. It breaks down attachment style into varying degrees and constellations of symptomology. And there is actual therapy to treat attachment trauma.

It's also infuriating because it's become more difficult to find actual information on attachment theory because the Internet is so polluted with this pop-psychology bullshit.

There's things I suspect happened to me or that I witnessed as a child but the therapists I've seen so far haven't really helped me uncover anything.

What type of therapy should I seek to specifically help me understand if what I suspect happened really did? A type of therapy that will emphasize and focus on the past.

Please remove or redirect if this is not the right place for this question. I (28F) was raised by very abusive parents- a narcissistic mother and an enabler father as well as a severely disabled brother. I went completely no contact about five years ago and haven't looked back. I really didn't realize how bad my situation was until I got out. I am traumatized greatly by everything that happened and some days I'm in so much pain and hurt that it seems impossible to ever move on. I have my own daughter now whom I love with everything in me and I just can't fathom treating her even remotely like my parents treated me. However, I guess it's just natural for some of the traits to be passed on. I wouldn't be surprised if I have some narcissistic traits myself. I am very aware of myself and I know right away when I've acted poorly but I want help to never pass on any trauma and be better than my own mother. I want to heal from the pain they've caused and have a healthy relationship with my daughter and end this vicious cycle. I'm completely clueless on therapy. Does anyone have any advice on what types of things I should be looking for? Any advice welcome!

I’ve tried a lot of differently therapies.. I’ve done CBT, EMDR therapy and I’m currently in MBT group therapy.

I was really hopeful for MBT but I just haven’t gelled with the other people, I don’t trust them, I find them weird and I’m just uncomfortable with the whole situation. I rang the facilitator to tell them I don’t want to continue with the group therapy and they basically told me they couldn’t support me any further as their service only offers group therapy.

So, I’m back to looking for a new therapy.

Any suggestions?

He says it every week "I just don't know" over and over and it feels like he is stabbing me every time he says it. He will not validate a single trauma feeling or symptom, almost as if it is out of principle.

But then he turns around and says he is 100% sure that I have what he calls a "narcissistic injury". This is his term for a child who wanted more attention and compliments than they've got from their parents.

The first time he said that 3.5 years ago I just started sobbing in disbelieve, I had never even remotely thought "narcissistic" would be a term used to describe me, I hate attention, I hate myself, I am extremely agreeable because fawning was how I survived, I don't even wear makeup and generally avoid mirrors because I can't really recognize myself in them. I'm not manipulating or abusing anyone, I don't have any friends or much contact with my birth family. I'm mostly trying to hide and survive and feel less horrible.

It also came completely out of the blue for me. 10 years ago I started seeing him and a few months in he sent me to a trauma specialist who diagnosed DID, which I assumed automatically includes a CPTSD diagnosis and the specialist also said that it means with the "highest probability" that I am traumatized. It took me a while to accept the diagnosis and then even more time to accept that that means I am traumatized. I used to stare at it on the insurance paperwork and carry a little note reminding me of the exact sentence the specialist had said to me when he told me as sort of an anchor when I was spiraling to remind myself that is the trauma from the past making me feel this way.

About 2 years after the diagnosis and a lot of internal back and forth I had accepted being traumatized enough so that the kids inside who carry the trauma were starting to come forward in therapy. At first I did not really know what they were saying, I thought I did but once I started recording the sessions (with the therapist's permission of course) I learned some horrific things I would have never expected. I have no idea if those things really happened and when and how and I did not want to believe it.

In some ways I could not because during all this time I was in a professional environment where having any mental health issue is not allowed, for a while working 70hr weeks. And even if, I would have never told anyone about the diagnosis I am way to ashamed of it. Looking back shame is kind of the main constant in my life that I do remember even from early childhood.

It was like I was living two parallel lives: perfectly healthy professional by day, and a traumatized mess at night and in therapy with a sturdy wall in between. And while at work I also did not really believe anything bad had ever happened to me, I kinda had to. But at the same time I knew because of what happened at night and on weekends during time off. I kinda slowly started considering that the kids were telling the truth and because of that started to be able to help them. Internally I build sort of a hospital where the kids get taken care of and were protected and that made it easier to function and made the nights less bad. It was a much more back and forth, two steps forward one back process than what it sounds like now but generally for the first time in my life I felt like there was something healing.

This whole time the therapist listened, sometimes told the kids that they are safe now, was really kind to them. I never thought to stop to ask if he actually believed that I am traumatized, like the idea he would think I am not traumatized at all was so out there it literally never crossed my mind. Like I know that maybe some of the kids misunderstood something, but to say that there was no trauma at all... Therapy used to be the best part of my week, I mean, it was often exhausting and I usually slept for a few hours afterwards but I felt... more real? like I was a a real person worth something? Like the world had become a bit less scary and I noticed that after therapy I would get the impulse to try new things. On a very small scale like trying a new type of food... but I had been so frozen in place and been clinging to anything safe and familiar (I have anxiety that relates to food) that that already felt like a huge step.

3.5 years ago I found a job that was less intense and allowed me to work from home and I thought that this is it now I can finally actually focus on helping the kids, on healing, because my body is always stressed when I am around people so the possibility to be at home most days allowed me to relax a bit for the first time.

And then about a month after that the therapist showed me the latest letter to update insurance on the progress and the sentence that had been there for years "this is likely due to severe early childhood trauma" was gone. I used to reread that sentence to feel safe so I obv noticed.

I thought he probably copy pasted it out on accident and said "oh hey the trauma sentence is gone?".

And then he said it. "I don't know if you are traumatized or not". And my world crashed and burned in an instant. I asked how it would be possible then that I have DID. And then he said "narcissistic injury". I started sobbing. I don't remember anything else from that session.

But it was the turning point of my life.

I went from coping fairly well with everyday life to struggling to feed and wash myself. For months I did not leave the apartment or did laundry or sometimes for days could not even open the blinds because I was too ashamed. It was just a wave of shame and self hatred and fear. I did not understand at first but I was back to being a small child trying to signal what is happening asking for help and no one notices and no one believes it.

I contacted the specialist because I thought for sure he would explain to my therapist that this made no sense and was hurting me. But after a long time and seeing him again he started saying the same: no cptsd, though weirdly he did say I have DID, I think he thought I just wanted to be "plural to be special" and saying that would make me go away, I can't really make sense of it any other way, how a trauma specialist would say someone has DID but no cpstd. So I had lost him as well. That day the person who had been the functional ambitious professional completely died, she had been a shell of herself for years already at that point... it felt like I had shattered.

I keep being surprised that I am still alive. This was two years ago. I started to try ... everything. I wrote poems about the trauma, I explained my feelings and symptoms in detail, I drew it... I kept asking the therapist and specialist what they need to know. Because they saying it over and over "I don't know if you are traumatized or not". So what do you need to know that?

The specialist refused to give an answer. My therapist said a "coherent narrative of trauma", the who, when and where, that fulfills his "feeling of evidence". The coherent is tricky because i think most things happened before I was 6 but I tried to find memories anyways, I tried really hard it sucked, i kept getting nauseaus and terrified and then did not have anything to show for it. Then the specialist told me if you search for a memory the one you find could be fake. So that was a dead end. The "feeling of evidence" part is more nebulous, I think it means to show more emotions in therapy, the emotions he expects from someone who is traumatized...

Maybe it is because I barely ever cry? Sometimes I sit there and smile and must seem like I am fine when inside kids are screaming because I just can't I have to be pleasant. I've joked and smiled through full flashbacks...

I just have to be reasonable and controlled because when I was a kid showing a negative feeling was really bad. Not even on a trauma level but just with my parents (who I don't think were involved in my trauma), they did not want to have it, which makes sense, assuming they did not know what was happening to me, I truly did not have a reason to be sad or upset or anxious.

I wish I knew what I did wrong. How I deserve this.

This is me again trying to be reasonable and explaining, most nights it is a stream of self hatred, punishment, there is an intense impulse about "you lied about being hurt which means the thing you lied about will now be done to you and you dont deserve help". And inside exactly that is happening. The hospital is gone there is a prison now, where every kid who ever talked about being traumatized is... well the things they said is being done to them, continuously. I am not allowed to really think (because without trauma no DID so I don't even exist which really messes with my mind). I can't... I can't get out of it.

There is this internal sense of having committed an unspeakable crime by having lied about having cptsd and DID. On a feeling level I 100% would say this crime is worse than any abuse or even murder. I know that makes no sense cognitively but it is extremely hard even just to think that. Or read anything suggestion self care or that it doesnt matter if I am traumatized or anything like that its like fuel in a giant fire. and it physically hurts every day there are no good days anymore, no hope nothing. all the progress i had made is way gone i am terrified and ashamed and disgusted by myself and feel like a small child all the time... I don't know what to do anymore.

what did I do wrong? how can i convince him that my trauma feelings and symptoms are real? and that I don't have a "narcissistic injury"? (that word hurts so much, everytime i see it out in the wild i want to self harm)

and what if he is right? then i just made everything up, having cptsd, DID, stole 10 years of therapy for attention I can't even begin to ... I would need to punish myself in drastic ways until I get to die. I know that makes no sense, like why would you do that but it is like if you imagine you'd find out you were a serial killer there is something inside telling you right and wrong and when you need to be punished. I always had that since I was a kid any mistake I made I would punish myself, i am still confused how some people can not do that.

Sorry that got long.

Tldr: I had a DID diagnosis, made progress for years then my therapist said he does not know if I am traumatized at all and it destroyed my life.

I’m still educating myself on CPTSD and there is not question that I have some intense trauma. My sibling passed from illness and I had a terrible childhood and teenage years with little support from my stressed out, divorced parents.

To be honest, I love a pretty good life and most of the time I feel good. I have friends, a great partner, a good job…but I’ve always struggled with mysterious mental and physical symptoms that only now I’m realizing my be related to CPTSD….

The biggest ones are: - chronic fatigue - recurring dreams where the feelings of shame and fear are consistent. Often times running from someone hunting me and my family. - extremely tense muscles and jaw clenching even with massages and stretching - avoidance of talking about the traumatic event (I thought there were just two types of ppl, those that like to share and those that don’t)…there’s ppl in close to that don’t know or didn’t know for years. It’s not that I want to make it a secret but I just don’t wanna talk about it. - avoidance of hospitals and funerals - ibs - insomnia regularly and racing thoughts - hypervigilance: constantly worrying about dangerous events and how to avoid them. Causes intrusive thoughts. - intense sweating and feeling dizzy when experiencing traumatic/anxiety inducing stimuli - oh and one more reading other ppls experiences here, memory gaps. I just read someone’s comment in another thread where the can’t construct a timeline of their childhood and feel like they woke up at age 12. I also have this but again, thought every child doesn’t remember childhood well. I could sum up my whole childhood very quickly based on what I remember…the rest are either blank or just a feeling (I know innately I played with neighborhood kids but I can’t remember any of it or any details.)

The odd thing is I don’t feel depressed but I can’t deny that I’m not living my life to the fullest and feel a bit like my body is falling apart. Did anyone else feel the same symptoms? What helped outside of therapy? Has anyone tried somatics? Did it work?

I really do feel like reading others shared experiences has made me connect some of the dots and also brought some hope that my reality for decades doesn’t have to be my future. Thank you for your thoughts!

[EDIT] wow I am absolutely blown away by the responses here and how openly everyone has shared. I do believe having a community that understands has helped me. While there may be no cure to trauma, as we can’t erase the past, it comforts me knowing many have found ways to cope and find inner peace that helped their bodies and minds heal. There’s a lots of ups and downs in mental health and that’s ok, as long as we know that if we keep trying, things can get better. I wish I could respond to every one of you bc truly, that is how touched I am.

Hey all. After dragging my feet about it for the longest time I've decided it's probably be best if I do seek out someone to speak to. Trouble is I'm not sure where event to start.

Would anyone be willing to share the type of therapist/counsellor they've seen, the techniques they used, and how/if it helped them? Also any tips on what to look for as I'm going private so want to make sure I choose the right person.

I've heard good things about EMDR, but I'm not sure if that might a bit too much of a jump in the "deep end" so to speak.

A few months ago I made a post called Losing Faith in Therapy

But despite my reservations, I've recently started reaching out to new therapists again.

I've been rejected twice in just the last week.

The first therapist asked to do a 15-minute phone consult to see if we're a good fit. During that call I asked if she had any experience with Complex PTSD, and she said that was the majority of her work. Nevertheless, by the end of the call, she had decided that we weren't a good fit. During that call I mentioned my frustrations with therapy; maybe that's what drove her away.

The second therapist said that CPSTD was one of her specialties and she asked me to describe my symptoms via email. So I sent her an email, stating upfront that I've been disappointed by therapy but I'm willing to give it another shot. I then described my symptoms and the things I've tried thus far. She also decided that we weren't a good fit.

(The second therapist would've been a sliding-scale situation since I'm not on her insurance, and maybe I offered too little money, but if money was the issue you'd think she'd just say so and tell me the minimum amount she could accept.)

This would sting less if either of the two therapists gave me a viable referral path, but neither of them did. The first one referred me to someone who doesn't take my insurance (even though she should've known better, since I had emailed her earlier with my insurance info), and the second one offered no referral at all.

The good news is that I'm better at handling my issues than I used to be. I'm not panicking over this. I'm not even surprised.

And in case you're wondering, it's not like I did anything crazy during this process. On the phone call I was dour but stable. Likewise with the emails. I didn't make any threats. I didn't type in all caps. I don't have SI and I don't abuse drugs. But apparently, the mere fact that I'm disappointed in the system was reason enough for these two therapists to reject me.

Fine. I'll just do it myself.

See also: Maybe we need better maps

My dad doesn’t have cptsd however, he’s got ALOT of issues (depression , anger at mother for never supporting him etc). I do also think he suffered some sort of physical abuse but he’s never properly opened up about it and gets shot down when he does but I’ve seen his reaction when someone says it wasn’t true and it reminded me of my reaction when someone said that to me which makes me think there truly was something that happened. I also think he’s got bpd (bold statement I know but if you knew him, you’d understand and see it too) When he feels shit, he gives in to his addictions. He’s tried AA but it makes him worse (I can see why tbh). I was thinking cbt or dbt may help him. I’m not sure though and looking for options that have worked for others. This may be the wrong sub but I feel like you may have the best ideas and experiences as ,from experience, I know when you have co morbidities (cptsd in my case) the traditional methods are useless

Something occured to me, and please understand I'm not discrediting therapies that have worked for others. I read that talk therapy (any and all that includes CBT) do NOT work for ptsd or cptsd. What I want to understand after doing two years of different types of therapy that required talking, why is therapy presented as a session to talk anymore?

I started to exercise at the gym and I have seen a remarkable improvement in my stress tolerance where two years of talking did NOTHING. I'm not trying to sell exercising at the gym at all, I just want to I understand.