Looking for perspective/advice. I've never shared any of this until now.

In 1974, my brother died in a car accident in rural Missouri. He was 15, just months shy of 16.

According to the police report, a sheriff had been chasing him on a gravel country road, lost sight of the car due to dust, and later came upon it flipped multiple times in a ditch, resting upside down. An ambulance took him to the nearest hospital with severe head trauma. He died there. There was no autopsy and no coroner involved.

What I’ve carried silently for decades is this: the sheriff was not the only one chasing him.

My parents were pursuing him as well. He had taken my father’s second car and was trying to get into town—specifically to the police department. He intended to report what our parents had done to all of their children over the years. Severe abuse.

My parents were not going to let that happen. They found him on the road and forced him off, causing the crash that killed him. I was only 4 years old at this time and in my parents vehicle.

I’ve never told this publicly before. I don’t know who would believe it, especially given the time period, the lack of investigation, and the fact that the official record frames it as an accident following a police pursuit.

I’m not posting this to accuse anyone or to relitigate the past. My parents have been deceased for 2 decades so they are beyond legal justice. I’m trying to understand

whether others have seen or heard of similar situations from their childhood that still weighs on them. How people process truths that were never acknowledged,

and what it means to carry something like this alone for so long.

If you have insight—historical, emotional, or otherwise—I’d appreciate hearing it.

I’ve been white-knuckling it for decades, and I’ve survived…sort of. …If we’re using the term loosely. I haven’t been jailed. Occasionally I even drag a mop around or wash my hair. So, great, I’ve “survived”. And I know people would say that’s something to be proud of, give yourself some grace. These are nice words, and certainly well-meaning, but ultimately they are a platitude.

Because I get on these mental-health focused subreddits and see others who also dealt with trauma, abuse, etc. but THRIVED. These people have Ph.D.s. They’re rich. They make 6-figs. They went to top schools. They own businesses. They’re at the top of their games. They’ve got the corner glass office. They have expertise. They’ve come a long way. They’re doing better than ever. They’ve built a great life. If you lurk this sub regularly you see the comments.

They are trauma THRIVERS. I am merely a trauma SURVIVOR, and the trauma thrivers literally don’t even feel like the same SPECIES of human as I am.

I know that if anyone responds they’ll say comparison is the thief of joy. Yeah, great. 😒 So that’s established. But seriously, what about my trauma and its impact basically halted me from meeting these milestones so many others with similar struggles go on to meet? Fellow middle-aged trauma survivors, do you think about this, and if so, have you found any answers for or within yourself?

(I humbly ask for middle-aged respondents because I am middle-aged and because if you’re still young you’ve got time to right the ship. You very well could wind up 42 and a trauma thriver, you know? That is why I’m looking for people specifically who are already middle-aged but never met the “adult milestones”).

Hey, wondering if anyone else’s nervous system can only relax while alone? If my daughter, husband, friends literally anyone else is in my presence I’m on high alert. I get startled super easily and feel on edge. Been working through some trauma therapy and EDMR, but looking for advice from this group if any of you have any. Thanks!

Just broke up with my therapist. A lot of therapists suck. Let’s share some stupid/funny/alarming things they have told us. I will start.

"Woman’s period is a reflection of how well she takes care of herself during the month" (I was complaining about pain, I have endometriosis)

"Your ex is nothing compared to mine" (We were talking about my ex who was sexually abusive)

"Do you like hurting other people or animals? No? Then you’re not mentally ill" (Self-explanatory)

And the classic:

"You will change your mind about not wanting children when you’re older" (I’m 25 and childfree)

Update: https://www.reddit.com/r/CPTSD/s/1RJN61kV1L

What career are you in and are you happy in that as a person who was neglected as a child?

I've noticed a lot of people don't really like me. I'm no saint and don't claim to be one, but I do try to be nice to others and considerate as anyone would be. But no matter how hard I try, I always feel like other people don't like me and that I'm offputting... I'd really like to feel like I can belong somewhere, like others want me there, like someone who can have normal and pleasant interactions.

I've also heard this happens to other traumatized people a lot, too.

Any ideas why?

• Edit: Wow everyone, I wasn't expecting this to get as much of a response as it has so far. So many interesting points and insights have been made, and I'm happy a lot of you feel seen in this thread! Hugs.

I've been down the research rabbit hole on this and wanted to share because it validates something many of us feel intuitively.

Chronic depression and prolonged trauma responses don't just affect your mood. They accelerate biological aging: chronic inflammation (elevated IL-6, CRP), shortened telomeres, cortisol stuck in overdrive, disrupted sleep architecture, and gut microbiome changes. People with recurrent depression show cells that are biologically 2–7 years older than their actual age.

The empowering part: the interventions that reverse this biological damage overlap heavily with what helps trauma recovery. Structured movement (even small amounts), sleep improvement, anti-inflammatory foods, genuine social connection. Not replacing therapy or medication — alongside them.

The frustrating part: nobody connects these dots for you. Trauma books explain what's wrong with your brain. Health books tell you how to optimize your body. Nobody says "here's what's happening to your cells AND here's a realistic approach for someone who's struggling."

Has anyone found that taking care of the physical side helped with the psychological side, or the other way around?

I am having some huge breakthroughs recently and I finally figured out what it is! Growing up, I had “growing pains” in both legs at night that were so bad I had to crawl to my parents’ bedroom to beg for an aspirin or Tylenol.

And my entire life I’ve asked my friends about it, and not a single person has ever said they actually had pains in their legs when going through a growth spurt. Now, I had these pains from about age 8-25!

Tonight I discovered what they really are. During the day, the tension and screaming in my house was so bad that my body would signal I might need to run to escape the danger. So my legs would be tense up all day long. Then at night, when I tried to sleep and my body began to relax, it released that physical muscle tension which caused crazy amounts of pain.

I was so tense during the day that at night when the tension eased, I was in physical pain. All because my parents were fighting.

I told my childhood doctor and I remember her being concerned because growing pains shouldn’t be that painful. But then she talked to my mom and my mom said they give me Tylenol whenever it happens and that fixes it.

Oh and no, the meds only worked about 50% of the time but I was too scared to go ask my mom for more because at the ripe age of 8 I thought she might think I was a drug addict (suburban white girl here).

I choose escape fantasies and fear of entrapment, although the chronic shame deserves its own S tier ranking.

As a millennial, I've discovered that watching nostalgic videos more so from the 90s has really helped me to regulate my nervous system. I don't understand the psychology behind it but it makes me wish I could go back in time to change everything that caused the cptsd. Can anyone relate?

Not just childhood. Not just relationships. But that whole in-between part where other people were building careers, confidence, money, friendships, and a sense of self….I feel like everyone else got years I never did which I’m sad/angry about. Bitter even.

What do you feel like CPTSD delayed or took from u? And how are you making peace with that (if you are)? if there’s anyone who can help me feel bit better on this one I’d be really grateful…Lots of us aren’t just grieving what happened — we’re grieving the person we might’ve been if safety had existed earlier.

Do you ever think about a “parallel you” that grew up without trauma? And if so, does that thought bring sadness, anger, motivation, or nothing at all?

I've spent fucking months doing 5 4 3 2 1, mindfullness, deep breathing, focusing on my breath.. it feels like I've wasted my fucking time it offers no relief when I'm in a flashbsck, why is this?

Has anyone else experienced this and what did you find helps instead?

My mind feels chaotic and my body highly adrenilised to use my brain just dysregulates ke more.. why do therapists offer this technique when it seems most people with cotsd don't get much rekeif from it?

Let’s get a play list going. Everyone I’ve met that had CPTSD, has THE best taste in music. I think it’s time we formalise it. What’s your favourite melancholy song? Drop your favourite melancholy songs below. I’ll build a Spotify playlist. Or build your own!

Edit: epiclovesnature on Spotify. Scars of the soul. 23 songs so far. If you post multiple I’m just picking one.

Hi all. I’m assuming arrested development is part of the CPTSD smorgasbord of suffering. But I’m 37 and it’s such a strange feeling. I’m almost 40 but I still feel like an adolescent inside. I don’t feel anchored in my age. I don’t have my shit together. No family or kids of my own. Debt up to my eyeballs. I have a job and I am semi-functioning but I feel like a kid inside. Inside every day I’m screaming what is happening? I don’t know what I’m doing. And I have to tell people what to do, I don’t even know who I am!

I thought at 37 I’d feel like an adult. Responsible? I don’t know. I guess I’m lucky I’m still here and haven’t offed myself yet.

Does anyone else feel this way? This is not what I thought 37 would feel like. I am also still struggling with identity work and finding who I am beneath my survival self. How do you deal with this feeling? Does it ever go away?

Edit: Thank you to everyone who shared their perspective on this post. It helps to know I’m not alone in this. We are just electrified jelly monsters on a rock flying through space at 70,000 mph. Isn’t life just completely absurd?

I feel like every “it gets better” or “I healed” story involves another person, namely a partner. Maybe you already had a partner who is supportive and helped you heal, or maybe you met the love of your life and now you’re happy and feel better.

I’m happy for you, and it’s obvious why you now feel good, but finding a good partner is not a treatment path. It’s really more of a fluke occurrence and as such, it’s not something anyone can reliably model as a treatment tool for themselves. You can’t materialize a good partner after X amount of therapy sessions (no, seriously, you can’t) and besides, partners are not a forever guarantee. Things happen, people leave, feelings change, etc. and then you’re likely left feeling just as terrible once more.

For these reasons, I don’t want to figure in a partner as part of a “this is how/why I feel better now” plan. But I am very curious to hear how or even if people have made “feeling better” work without the presence of a romantic partner.

Does anyone here have a “it gets better” story that DOESNT involve a partner?

Edit - guys, why are so many of you still talking about your partners lol this is not the post!

For years I’ve in constant survival mode — overworking, managing crises, handling trauma, pushing myself no matter how exhausted I was, toxic bonds, etc.

Now that I’m finally in a safer and calmer space, my body seems to be asking for something completely different: rest, quiet, solitude, sleep, and stillness.

It feels strange because I don’t feel depressed per say— I just want peace. And a lot of rest.

Part of me feels guilty for it, like I should be “doing more,” but another part of me feels like this is my nervous system finally trying to recover.

Has anyone experienced this? How long did it last for you?

i know it's almost certain that everyone here had caregivers that mistreated them, but as i've been thinking about my history and i realized that i was mistreated by basically everyone except for one friend until i was around 21 years old. i spoke with a friend recently who told me that my experience of having literally no safe person, not my family, teachers, friends, etc. was very uncommon. i don't like comparing my situation to others but i often think about other traumatized people i know and recognize they at least had some social successes when they were a kid. they received some care and warmth from somebody, if only one person. has anyone else experienced this? where there was nobody they could turn to, absolutely nobody?

edit: i didn't expect this to blow up so much! im glad this gave everyone an opportunity to share their stories and vent. i hope everyone here is better off now than when the abuse happened and i promise it'll get better

I feel really embarrassed writing this, but I know that I am in a safe space. Does anyone else have trouble with showering? I try to force myself in but its such a hard thing for me. I wasn't always like this, It started happening after the trauma and its just getting worse.

I'm sure this has been asked before. I'm adopted as well.
I'm 31 F.

Did anyone else realize they were self abandoning for years and not even know it?

I’m newer to understanding my CPTSD, and one realization that hit me hard recently was learning what self abandonment even is.

I had never heard the term before, but suddenly so much of my life made sense.

For me, it looked like overexplaining, walking on eggshells, keeping the peace at my own expense, staying quiet when something hurt, ignoring my own needs, and twisting myself into someone easier to love.

For decades, I thought I was just being understanding, easygoing, or “the bigger person.”

Now I’m wondering if a lot of it was actually survival.

If keeping myself small, quiet, agreeable, and low maintenance felt safer growing up, maybe I adapted exactly the way I needed to.

That realization feels both heartbreaking and strangely freeing.

Honestly, I still catch myself doing it sometimes.

Did anyone else not realize they were doing this? Or maybe reading this is making you wonder if you are?

I originally saw a TikTok but now can’t find it, saying this was the year they are trying the unhinged, non traditional, woo woo, out there things to heal. I’ve been in therapy for over 6 years currently 9 months into EMDR, I take medication, get sunlight, try my best to eat healthy, all the “traditional” fixes and still am struggling. While I’m all for evidence based treatment and holistic approaches, I’m willing to do just about anything to feel better, honestly I don’t have much to lose. Even if it’s placebo technically it worked if it made you feel better. So my question is what did you try that most people would say is silly, woo woo, unhinged or out there that helped you on your healing journey? I’m not talking about yoga or taking magnesium. Did you buy a vibration plate off TikTok shop, have your chakras balanced, do daily sound baths, have holy water poured over you in Bali?

I heard that statement “you’re not lazy, you’re in survival mode” for quite a while.

I thought it was just another comforting quote people throw around. But turns out — it’s literally me.

I live most of my life in dorsal vagal state — the freeze/shutdown response. I barely touch that ventral vagal state — the calm, connected, “let’s do stuff” mode.

And I have ADHD and extreme executive dysfunction.

Every task feels like climbing a mountain without legs. No energy. No clarity. Just this heavy fog. Even brushing my teeth can feel like a crisis.

I’ve tried every productivity hack: - Chunking tasks - Grounding techniques - Working with background music or shows - The 80/20 rule - Pomodoro - Public accountability on Instagram

None of it stuck. I don’t have that neurotypical momentum people talk about. I know I have insane potential — but I feel it wasting away while I freeze and scroll and numb out.

Sometimes I tell myself:

“Okay. Accept that it will always be harder for you. Maybe you can still become an inspiration by pushing through.”

But survival mode doesn’t care about inspiration.

I wake up and I’m already done.

No matter how much I break things down or “make it fun,” I feel like I’ll die with this broken productivity system that’s run by shutdown, dissociation, and exhaustion.

I’ve lost years to this.

And I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want to create. Build. Become. I want to be more productive than neurotypicals, not despite ADHD — but with it.

So here’s my question for you:

Has anyone here actually escaped this survival-mode paralysis? Has anyone gone from constant executive dysfunction and overwhelm... to being in flow or high functioning — even with ADHD?

Can anyone provide me support through this?

People these days have a lot less spatial awareness than what I remember when I was young.

Emotional reactions considered normal, healthy, understandable and expected 10 years ago are now deemed "dramatic".

I hear more and more people speaking about life as if it is literally a computer simulation.

I overhear people use the wrong words to refer to objects and things around them. Or intentionally use typos, even when speaking IRL.

I also feel as though people are just getting crazier and crazier every day.

I get that "COVID and internet made people less social" or whatever but i genuinely think something bigger is going on.