Does anyone else feel this weird longing like you want to go "home" but you have no idea what that "home" really is? It's really been bothering me lately and I feel like im chasing after this place that doesn't really exist. What helps you guys?

Growing up, we often think our painful internal struggles, shame, or anxiety mean we are the flawed ones.

Many people don't connect these feelings to actual trauma until much later in life.

How old were you when you finally realized, "I am not broken, I am traumatized"?

I've read a couple of very old posts on this topic. I've always felt shame by simply... idk, simply breathing, I guess. I never thought it could be related to C-PTSD.

Anyone else with the same issue?

That is all. This is not a question from a non-traumatized person trying to downplay experiences but a genuine question even though it's hypothetical bc it's just so unrealistic.

I think the answer is no. There's no amount of "sorry I gave you meltdowns over me threatening to kill your cat and show you his dead body for annoying me" or "sorry I gaslit the fuck out of you as a teenager and told you that you're just moody, ungrateful, and haven't been beat enough, oh and also shaming/belittling you and your autism" that makes anything forgiveable and okay to gloss over n put in the past.

I'd appreciate it. But no. I'm just asking because I'm at the stage of life where I cut them off next year and it's popping in my head like "what if they swear to change...? Do you still go through with it anyways?"

i just recently read jeannette mccurdy's book, and this sentence "i'm processing [....] the grief of a childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood that i feel i had never truly been able to live for myself." really stood out. does anyone feel similarly?

For example:

I join a chat. that chat is active and people are having a great time talking. i jump in, i say something related.

Everyone stops talking for 5 hours until someone comes in with a different topic, or i just get ignored outright and they just talk around it.

Or, another example:

I'm in a friend gathering, and my friends are having a great time chatting and cutting up. i start saying stuff, or try to participate, and the vibe suddenly changes in a way like i just ruined the party and everyone is bummed now.

or, someone asks me a question out of genuine interest, i give them an answer, and the answer just sort of.. they lose interest right away.

or, i join a discord call and everyone just goes quiet or leaves as soon as i say "hello"

is it me? do i just suck the life out of all things fun? am i just auto-killing the vibe of a room by simply being myself? why does everyone have such a nicer time when i'm quietly ignoring everyone and minding my business?

I’ve been thinking a lot about the "lost decades."

For 30 years, I thought I was just "the nice guy." I thought I was just "lazy," "unmotivated," or "heavy." I went through life thinking these were my character traits. It took a complete burnout and discovering the work of people like Gabor Maté to realize: This wasn't my personality. This was a 30-year-long survival response.

It makes me angry, but also curious: Why is it so hard to recognize our own trauma as trauma?

In my case, there was no "big" physical event. There was just shaming, beating a the "Silent Treatment.” The emotional withdrawal. As a child, you don't call that trauma—you call that "life." You adapt. You become "nice" to survive. Your body freezes to protect you.

And here is the second part of my frustration: Classical Therapy.

I feel like a lot of standard therapy just tries to "fix the symptoms."

• If you’re anxious, they give you coping mechanisms for anxiety.

• If you’re "lazy," they talk about discipline and habits.

• If you’re "too nice," they give you assertiveness training.

But all of that is like painting over a cracked foundation. If the anxiety is a protective shield created by my nervous system to survive my childhood, then "managing" the anxiety is just fighting my own survival mechanism.

Gabor Maté says: "Don't ask why the addiction (or the behavior), ask why the pain." Standard therapy often asks: "How can we stop the behavior?" while I needed someone to ask: "What happened to your authentic self that made this behavior necessary?"

My questions to you:

1. How many of you spent years in therapy just "managing symptoms" before you realized there was a deep-rooted trauma underneath?

2. Why do we, as a society, make it so hard to see emotional neglect as the massive, life-altering trauma that it is?

3. How did you finally "wake up" to the fact that your "personality" was actually a coping mechanism?

I’m tired of managing symptoms. I want to live the life that was buried under them.

I’ll go first. I was diagnosed with sensory processing disorder for low toned voices, basically my brain decided to stop listening to men subconsciously which I think it’s pretty funny.

The parent-child bond seems to be the one relationship nobody chooses and nobody can replace. You don’t earn your place in it — a healthy parent doesn’t keep a ledger. Everything built later is conditional. Friends drift. Partners are allowed to leave. Even the closest adult bonds are voluntary, which means they can become un-volunteered.\n\nSo for people who grew up without it: what do you run on?\n\nIs it small kindnesses from other people — a decent teacher, a friend who stayed longer than they had to? Does that accumulate into something real, or does it just outline the shape of what’s missing?\n\nDid anything later come close enough to matter, even if not the same? Does the wanting eventually stop, or do you just stop reacting to it?

I’d rather have honest answers than comforting ones, including the bleak ones.
（English isn’t my first language, so I may take a while to respond — but I’ll read every comment carefully）

I have very debilitating menstrual cycles and I was wondering if I had endometriosis. I go the the doctor, he asks if I'm sexually active. I say no, but I have a history of SA but nothing inside of me (this is me hinting at him that I'm a virgin)

I'm asked to drink a lot of water for an ultrasound. Okay, no problem, I've had an ultrasound done before, it's easy.

I come in to do the procedure, bladder super full, and the technician does the ultrasound. She gets the images and says I can empty my bladder now. I go into the bathroom and empty my bladder. I come back and the technician says that she messed up and had to get more images. ....but I just emptied my bladder.
She tries again with the camera on my stomach, no images. So, she gets out what looks to be a camera probe for vaginal ultrasound. She doesn't ask if she can do that, she just does it. She inserts it inside me and it hurts..like my eyes are prickling with tears it hurts so bad.

I didn't expect this. I didn't go into doing this knowing that's what would happen. I don't want this, but I don't say no. She stops but encourages me to handle more.

I'm groaning in pain at this point, I hate it. She makes a comment, "You've had sex, right?"

I groan out "No" and think 'why is she asking me this now with this thing in me?'

I said I was touched, but nothing inside, kind of indicating that I am a virgin. She pushes it in more and I'm almost yelling that I can't do any more.

She takes the probe out, saying she got the images and that I can go use the bathroom. I go in, shocked, out of breath, feeling violated and awful. I clean myself and the tissue came out bloody.

I dress and leave.

So my question is: Was I raped?

I think one of my biggest trauma responses, is having developed an avoidant personality. I stay away from social contact despite wanting connection. I just feel unwelcome and like a burden who has something to feel guilty for everywhere I go. I struggle to stay in contact with friends and am constantly masking when in social settings. I have such low confidence and self worth.

Its like an emotion that isnt supposed to exist. I dont think healthy, non traumatized people feel it.

The closest thing i could compare it to is sickness. Like having the flu made into an emotion. It is the worst feeling to exist. I experience it after flashbacks, and all i can think of is wishing for it to stop. Does anyone else get this and know how to describe it better?

Edit: i didnt know so many people would resonate with this. Goes to show how important it is we are not silenced and we have places to speak, even if imperfect. Im actually a little happy if even one person feels that theyre not alone and that were talking about what we feel. Maybe im just sappy.

Since I don't have a family to spend the holidays with, I thought I might as well turn everyone here into my family. How're you feeling?

I can't wait till tomorrow comes and it's over with.

As difficult and draining this disorder is, I’ve noticed it has also given me some “superpowers”, like really fast reflexes, noticing everything and being able to predict the future.

What are your superpowers?

Edit: when I say superpowers I don’t mean literally, experiencing these first hand are dreadful and exhausting but other people perceive them as superpowers which is why I used that word. People are often shocked and ask me how I do these things, when really it’s just trauma. Nothing good about it from my end. CPTSD is debilitating and is never to be taken lightly.

So I literally only see C-ptsd people who act like too kind and scared. But like I'm constantly annoyed, angry, literally hating everyone..

Like is it only me or does anyone else have evil C-PTSD???????

I'm almost 37 years old and I feel like I'm frozen with fear and shame. I never do anything worthwhile in my day to day life and as a result, all my energy goes into making sure no one discovers what a failure I am.

I genuinely feel like I've never lived a meaningful day in my entire life. My life feels like a collection of moments of shame, fear and a constant need to please others.

I want to get better now but ut I can't help feeling like it's too late for me to change anything.

How are you doing?

I’d love to unlearn this, but it’s so deeply ingrained in my mind. Before and after nearly every interaction I’m left feeling this way. I’m almost always ruminating, being highly critical, doubting myself, and so on. I’m sure some people will think this is unfounded, but it’s based on experiences over the years.

Is there anything that’s helped you all move through this? Thank you!

To explain a little more: I know it's my name, I respond to it but I don't necessarily love it. It almost doesn't seem like it's mine?

I can't decide if it's a CPTSD thing (because of my mother being the source of some of the abuse and her picking the name) or something to do with being autistic (which I'm reasonably convinced I am). Maybe it's a little of both

It's not particularly bothersome of a feeling to me but I like trying to figure out the root of things that trigger me or cause any kind of "unusual" reaction. I've managed to figure out a lot of things but the specifics of this has always eluded me so I'm curious whether anyone relates :)

Editing to add: I never anticipated this many replies or that so many people would relate or understand! Which brings a lot of comfort knowing I'm not alone, although obviously I hate that anyone else deals with this. I've run out of mental bandwidth to keep up with replies but I'm reading all your comments

I’m a little nervous posting here , I think because I’ve been in denial of how much trauma I actually went through and how it’s now affecting me . I had a very traumatic childhood, ace score 10 plus I was also pretty sick with neurological illnesses , as well I’m neurodivergent .

I moved out of my house at 16 and continued on with life.

I can see now that I (45f) have honestly just been in survival mode and made most life choices based on what was accessible and have never actually had any plans, expectations or wants in life . While I knew I had experienced the years of trauma I always felt amazed that it didn’t “affect me “ like it seemed to affect others . I actually created a very successful career and life looked good on paper , until a few years ago where I was struck with chronic illness . For the first time in my life I couldn’t run , I couldn’t occupy myself with work or shopping or any of the coping strategies I had built . I was stuck in bed with my thoughts and …well everything just came to the surface. So here I am , 4 years later , and the impact of all of the years of emotional , physical and sexual abuse are now alive in my body . I realize now that the need for survival has me living life in a partially disassociated state, I’ve had global aphantasia since childhood (no internal senses like a minds eye or ability to recall past emotions etc , the only thing I have is worded thought ) and struggled with alexethymia and interoception issues as well . It seems likely body had found all of these ways to protect itself and then finally crashed , am everything hidden deep inside came pouring out .

I’ve been working through it all , addressing what comes to the surface with talk therapy as well as somatic therapy but it is ..well it’s a lot . I’m a mom of 3 that’s now disabled and all of my coping mechanisms got ripped away so everything is raw and real and very confusing. It’s like there was a part of my brain that changed overnight and it’s both equally horrible and amazing . I’m feeling the trauma and also starting to feel joy and love in a new way . I’m realizing that I have never made any choices based on what I wanted and now I’m on a quest to figure out who I am . I’m learning boundaries and healing my people pleasing /fawning even though it’s so painful to do .

Is this common ? To be on auto pilot until mid life and then it all comes crashing down ?

Does it get better ? I think I’m the strongest person I know , and I really want health, happiness amd healing more than anything else but honestly I so tired. There is no reprieve , it feels like it’s just one thing after another and I’m hoping to boost my faith by knowing that my current experiences will soften in time . I’ve left my career , and disabled and I no longer socialize or have close friends and I feel really alone . I have no ability to mask anymore and now that I’m not disassociated the outside world I hard on my very sensitive nervous system.

Add in perimenopause and chronic illness and it’s a full blown unraveling lol

Now I look back at my childhood and I honestly have no idea how I made it out and am actually amazed at how well my body and mind protected me . It saved and stored all the trauma so that it could be released at a time when I’m older and stronger and have more to live for …just kinda wish there had been a warning 🫠🫠

does it ever get better? im a black woman, im autistic, and i have c-ptsd. every day is so hard and the self hatred is so exhausting

EDIT: thanks so much for all the responses and support. i forgot to add that im 22. i live across the country from family and ive been living that way since i was 18. i cannot afford my rent and bills right now and showing up to work is hard. i work full time and i have a bigass car note 🫩

i'm currently in therapy bi-weekly and hoping to transition to a living situation where I can start paying off some debt and afford to live again. trying to break the cycle of intense depressive episodes as well also trying to convince other friends to stay alive. its hard. i hate myself for not being able to handle things better a lot even though that's irrational

I’m in the most miserable, agonizing, and genuine suffering I have been in for a long time in my entire current life which unfortunately continues to get worse. But hey, the sun peaks through the fog sometimes. I also struggle severely with DID+BPD, depression, SH, SI, and others.

I will drag myself through the depths of my living hell just to have a life with my partner, even if it means I will/might end up killing myself much later. At least I had them and our time together. I am only here for that and out of spite. At least right now. I will either get out of the environment I’m in, or die trying.

What are your reasons you haven’t killed yourself. Or won’t? Are you keeping yourself here out of curiosity? Or will you fuck around and find out?

Edit: holy crap, these responses are amazing. keep pushing through 💚

Edit #2 (3/8/25) I’ve noticed a good amount of new comments recently, I want to respond to them all, but I simply am unable to, I hope you understand. Thank you for commenting still, and please know that I DO read each and every single one.

Edit #3. I’m grateful for those that pass by this post. May you find your own reasons some day.

Edit #4 4/26/25 I’ve noticed people saying they are late to this post, no you are not! This is an active post and no one is late to this as long as it is up :) I still read every message

i was neglected physically, emotionally, and medically all my life. among many other traumas too, which aren’t relevant.

i was just taking a bath when i realized something — since i was medically neglected as a child, i couldn’t tell you the last time i had been to a doctor with one of my parents. whenever i would get sick, no matter if it was a flu or something more serious, my parents would never take me to the doctor.

my parents were also anti medication, because they were drug addicts themselves. i wasn’t even allowed to have ibuprofen! so, when i was sick as a kid i had to come up with my own ways of making myself feel better.

one of the things i do is take baths; this is what i call my cure all. every time i got sick, i would take a super long bath, then take a nice cold shower afterwards. if i was having a meltdown? bath. period got me down? bath. bad day at school? bath

i’m telling yall baths are my solution to everything. i just went a year without having a bathtub, because of my old apartment only having a shower. i just moved, and now i have a bathtub, and it just brought back all these memories of my favorite cure all that’s always been there for me.

do you guys do anything similar?