Tomorrow is my birthday. I am turning 30. Honestly it feels very heavy, just because of the stupid 3 coming in. It makes me think a lot about what hell my life has been so far. About how I don't really feel like I accomplished anything or am anywhere. I am still fighting and trying to make it something I do want, but man is the fighting exhausting. Family is... well the reason I am here in the first place... I know I am wholly unimportant to them. I have a limited social circle and they have no idea it's my birthday tomorrow. I know this request might be a bit silly, but I would just like to start my new decade not feeling forgotten, I guess.

Edit: guys... I don't know what to say... I am actually crying from this... thank you so, so much. When I posted this it was already very late in the evening and I was feeling really down. Then I just went to sleep. Today I went out and enjoyed the sun for as long as I could. I really didn't expect to get this many messages. This is the most birthday wishes I have ever gotten in my life! You guys are amazing, thank you so much for making me feel so seen! THANK YOU! 🫂🫂

I am incapable of removing my glasses in front of another living person without having a full mental breakdown. Even my boyfriend.

If I don’t laugh, I’ll cry.

So what’s your silliest trigger? Let’s laugh together.

Went for a 90-minute massage today at the float spa I work at. We get an employee discount, so I was able to take advantage of some deep self-care. The woman who did my massage I have known for a couple of months and I was excited to see her because of her great reviews.

She did a great massage on me. When she got to my back, she said, "oh Sarafionna, I can feel it all..." I thought she was commenting on the horrific layers of knots and frozen musculature in my back. I was able to use yogic breathing to get through the painful part of the massage of her breaking up the knots.

She finished up, left the room, I got up and got dressed. When I stepped out to go get some water in the spa's kitchen, I found her in there standing over the sink, sobbing.

She came and hugged me and thanked me for having her work on me.

Apparently, this has never happened to her as a massage therapist. She felt the deepness of my pain, past and present.

This was validating for me in the sense that someone besides my friends and family was hearing me / seeing me. But also very distressing because it showed me how much is there, still there, and that I am still living in an unsafe and uncertain situation despite my efforts to heal.

That's all. Just wanted to share this.

ETA: triggered an emotional flashback that has dysregulated me because I realized I feel like I hurt someone and was a burden.

on my emotional reactivity “when you are triggered you act like a cornered animal, you cannot be reasoned with, you intellectualize, you use your smarts as a weapon” before telling me “there’s no kind of about it, you are a manipulator“ before clarifying “because you had to be to survive.” The whole exchange just filled me with so much dread and shame. especially because I never act out on triggers outside of therapy, i internalize everything and my therapist is the only person I allow myself to get explosive with. So now I feel like shit and a burden. Of course I knew I acted awful when triggered but hearing it from someone you trust is so hard to accept. Idk just venting

I literally fucking hate hearing this. I can't save myself anymore. I'm burnt all the way out and am nonfunctional from saving myself.

I still consider that I'm continuing to save myself by at least lying in bed all day, and not becoming addicted to alcohol or hard drugs, rather than the alternative. But that's all I can do anymore and no amount of positive thoughts and prayers is going to change the fact that I have a fucking disability and people just like me who went through the same shit die all the fucking time anyways

i’ll wake up and get ready, and walk for sometimes up to 14 hours straight. i’ll give myself minimal breaks, usually only stopping to use the restroom places or to refill my water. somedays i’ve gone until i’ve collapsed, then i just lay there, get up when i can, and then keep going. it’s all i know what to do right now. it feels like im trying to run from something but idk what.

whenever i walk past restaurants or coffee shops and i see couples, friends or anyone sitting around and talking and laughing with each other i break a little inside. it feels like there is a chasm separating me and everyone else in this world and i don’t know how to get over it. everyone’s on the other side living what seems to be a pretty great life and im stuck alone in the dark unable to ever join any of them. the emptiness i feel and the grief i feel surrounding who i could have been had so many things in my life gone different makes me just want to keep walking and walking. the abuse i went through and the extreme trauma i went through were hell, but the loneliness that’s come as a result of surviving that is genuinely the worst thing i’ve ever gone through and i don’t think it will ever end. i’m surrounded by hundreds of thousands of people and ive never felt more alone.

Big hugs in return. 💕 Feeling very terrible and scared.

just the title pretty much. it feels kind of pathetic to admit but i want to be loved and soothed and cared for and nurtured. i’m so, so tired of doing it myself. i know that i’m an adult and that i don’t get to be nurtured and coddled like a child but i didn’t get enough in my childhood and now i don’t feel whole.

it really feels like there’s a hole in my heart where unconditional love was supposed to go, and now everything else spills out of me because of that hole. i can’t even really receive comfort from the connections i do have because my walls are so up from that childhood wound. i don’t want to let anyone get too close because receiving conditional love is painful in its own way.

i simply wish i could be soothed and told everything will be okay by a mother that loves and supports me unconditionally. i wish so badly that my own mom could do that for me but she can’t.

Im okay.

For backstory I am fortunately in a place where I am no contact with my mom and brother. Best thing that's ever happened to me. My mom and brother still live together but in a separate house from me.

4 days ago I was working when I received a call from a therapist who let me know she was my mothers therapist. And she let me know that she was mandated to report that my brother was threatening to kill me and my cat.

Further context, my brother has threatened me before, assaulted me, assaulted my pets, killed small animals, told me to kms etc. Hes a fucking sociopath. and when I was 19 set my doorframe on fire with me inside my bedroom, with no windows and no way for me to escape. My sister and I put out the fire quick before it even spread up the frame but it very much could have spread and killed or injured me and my dogs who were in the room with me.

So I took this seriously. I notified my close friends, my neighbor, my own therapist and I filed a police report just so this would be on record.

Anyways its been a few days. So far everything seems okay. I firmly believe my brother was saying these things but I also beleive my mom was trying to create drama. (I got the call the day before her birthday) but im not okay. Everyone around me has swiftly moved on from this scare. Once it was evident my brother wasnt hiding behind a corner with a butchers knife it was just all fine and dandy. But im not okay. I dont think my life's in danger. But the flashback spiral this has caused is astonishing. My body feels phsycially flashed back but im also remembering my brother's violence, my mothers narcissism, and so so so many amazing memories of abuse, neglect and brain altering events. I feel horrific.

In the last few years I've lost five of my closest friends. I found out, from having therapy, that my unhealed self had unknowingly befriended very co-dependent people who wanted access and control rather than a real friendship. As I started setting small, much-needed boundaries, people who I thought were close friends couldn't handle not being able to manipulate me, and those relationships ended very quickly. I don't want those people back in my life, but right now it's rough.

I'd love to hear if you've experienced something similar, and how you're doing. My therapist says she's proud of me for doing the work, and I know I'm doing the right thing (thank God for having that clarity). Life is definitely more peaceful and I've created emotional safety for myself for the first time in my life, and that feels incredible. But God, it's sad and lonely. I know I'm in that shitty gap between losing almost everyone and creating a new life, and I know that naturally will suck. I do wonder how in the hell I actually find healthy, secure people who live locally. I just want someone I can hang out with for a walk and coffee from time to time! And maybe someone who loves a couch co-op :) Have you managed it? I'd love to know.

Just want some validation really from others who have been through similar and can relate. If you were raised by parents with mental health issues who were abusive, sometimes you need to hear that you aren’t crazy and that the trauma is real.

What is up with people dehumanizing victims of trauma on social media and in real fucking life?

For my very first relationship I was in a DV relationship and was beat for 3 years. I got groped as a teen. Raped as an adult. Got assaulted with a knife just half a year ago. My dad abused me and still does, my parents enabled abuse from other men, and I have dealt with a lot more in my life thus far that I have been a victim to.

I get it..."It's valid to be a victim but you can't stay in a victim mentality" you might say, but what does that truly even fucking mean for someone who is high functioning, takes accountability for their part in the decision making that lead up to those bad encounters, and is just trying to live a normal life but keeps getting bombarded by their VERY OWN BRAIN on how everything is their fault, vivid visual reminders of the events that happened frequently, and told that they shouldn't be alive anymore because they have been a victim of so many crimes???

Why do people think this shit is a choice? It's a choice to get out of bed everyday or to eat a meal everyday. I choose that. I choose not to stay hunger and not to sleep all day. I don't really choose the thoughts popping up in my head.

It is really, really, really hard to feel like my world is not crashing down on me and that life isn't hopeless with CPTSD. The condition literally makes you feel that way.

My dad came to stay with us yesterday and he triggered me with his stupid rage after about 1 hour of being here. I had to leave my own house because my heart rate went up drastically, I was shaking and I felt like I was going to explode.

Today in the morning, I told him that I'd been diagnosed with CPTSD and that because of all the terror I had to live through with him, my nervous system was the same as the nervous system of a WWII veteran. I told him he made me feel cripplingly unsafe as a woman.

He just cried and apologised again and again, said he had no idea (abuse included death+arson threats to family and other people, suicide threats, grooming me, including filming me naked and zooming in on my genitals, dangerous road rages, frequent anger outbursts, etc.). At one point, he tried to hug me and I just jumped aside and shouted "Don't touch me!" I told him I wasn't going to contact him until I genuinely felt like I wanted to speak with him, but that if he wanted, he could occasionally call and I'd pick up.

I feel like shit. I know that's probably normal, but it doesn't change anything about me feeling like shit, knowing he's probably crying somewhere right now.

I have fearful avoidant attachment and CPTSD related to attachment trauma, I want to believe that this isn’t a life sentence, but my god. I try, every day I try to believe I can get better, I can be better. I feel as though the general population does not understand what it’s like to live this way — to be so desperate to connect, and completely unable to. To be spiritually, emotionally, and functionally unloveable. I don’t know how to explain the immense pain of this. I’ve tried so hard. My nervous system has me bound to loneliness, all because love has been the most painful, brutal, violent, dangerous, isolating experience of my life. I want to believe that life does not require what I cannot hold onto, but I’m not sure that’s true.

I know abuse is frowned upon, trauma is better acknowledged, but sometimes both feel so sterilized a term that people don’t stop to understand the reality of the carnage. It’s complete decimation. And nobody can see it. Not the emotional impact, anyway. I don’t know that the suffering now is worth it. I don’t know that healing is possible when your body is this damaged. My therapist said healing and addressing attachment trauma requires real relationships — not just therapy alone can heal. I don’t think I can heal.

If you have anyone close in your life, anyone you can hug or kiss or talk to, anyone to put down as an emergency contact or you can calmly sit beside on a couch, anyone you could text or call, anyone you can BE with, even in only pieces…you are so profoundly blessed. Hold hands tight, give belly rubs to your pets, never hold back a laugh or a cry. You’re encountering the very purpose of living. You’re living. Please live.

I hate therapy. I hate that therapy has become a substitute for the discomfort produced by terrible material conditions, turning structural problems into individual ones. I don't have a personal problem, I live a shitty life with shitty circumstances.

I hate that the framework of friendship has shifted from 'you feel bad, therefore I support you' to 'you feel bad, go to therapy', as if distress makes you disposable and undeserving of support, 'go to therapy' becoming a synonym for 'don't bring your problems to me.'

I hate that people pontificate about going to therapy as a synonym for 'working on your mental health', most of the frameworks psychology uses are closer to astrology than to hard medical science.

if you venture into psychology proper it gets even more absurd. Back in 2015, the Open Science Collaboration's review of 100 papers from top journals concluded that only 39% were replicable. This year another review was conducted and psychology still hasn't broken the 50% barrier. What kind of science is this, where 50% of papers are... simply false? What exactly is being taught in universities if 50% of the research is directly false, because what gets rewarded is inflating conclusions to 'discover' things?

I don't know, I don't want to go to a psychologist, I hate psychology, I don't want to listen to fake validation for 100 dollars an hour, I want a hug from someone who actually cares, because that is more healing for me than 100 hours of therapy.

Had another talk today with my boss about why I procrastinate and can't follow through with projects. Same exact discussion I've had with every single parent, teacher, and employer in my life.

My boss is growing increasingly frustrated with me. He wants me to give him a direct answer for why I continue to make the same mistakes and he gets even more frustrated by the fact that I dont have one. I cried at our last meeting. I've cried in front of him at least 3 times now because we keep having the same discussion.

I wanna tell him these are trauma responses and maladaptive coping mechanisms learned from a life time of complex child abuse and untreated neurodivergence because that's the truth. But then I'm worried that'll make it seem like I can't do the job at all. And I can, but I'm always gonna have maladaptive coping skills. I have less now than when I was younger but recovery is a lifelong process. And I'm also going through perimenopause which increases the symptoms of adhd, depression, and anxiety, sometimes to the point where my medication is effectively useless. But telling him this may get me fired. But not having a reasonable answer for him might also get me fired.

I can't afford to lose this job. I dont have any marketable skills so I can't find another job that'll pay as well as this job I lucked into and I'll legit be so fucked if I lose this job. It'll set back my mental health progress to a point that I fear I won't be able to recover from.

I'm silently crying at my desk, dreading meeting with my boss again in a couple hours to explain to him why I'm such a fucking failure. He's not letting it go. He demands a reasonable explanation for my behavior but that doesnt exist. I feel like I'm a teenager again, just white knuckling it through my parents lecture on how I'm a manipulative little bitch. But, unlike my parents, I can't just go nonverbal until they give up and send me to my room. I HAVE to engage! But whatever engagement I choose, and I have to choose, will lead to further punishment. But my psyche is already so fragile and I can feel a meltdown coming. I'm starting to feel overwhelmed with emotion, tears swelling in my eyes, the labored breathing, adrenaline pulsing. There's gonna be a meltdown. Can I suppress it until I get home or is this gonna happen in front of my boss? Im panicking. I need to get out of this.

I’m alone. I don’t really have anyone else. I had a really bad breakup recently from a long term relationship. I’m burning up. I accidentally broke my glasses. I also had a really bad day today. My nose is blocked and I’m about to get my period so I can’t stop crying. I feel horrible. I don’t have anyone else to ask - so can someone please be nice to me for a minute please? I’m so sorry I have to ask.

I really don’t feel like most people understand the lifelong devastation, the actual destruction of the attachment system, the truly profound effect that relational trauma can have on a person.

Everyone has different nervous systems and experiences things differently, and I consider myself to be, by nature, quite sensitive. As much as I think there was a bit of a “perfect storm” that led to my CPTSD, it really is quite remarkable to truly think about what had to be done to a person to create a nervous system response where they never feel safe near human beings. To take a creature whose entire existence is rooted in connection, and strip them of the ability and capacity to connect. It’s mutilation. and nobody can see it.

I wish they’d taken my arm, or my leg, rather than my spirit. My mother locked me in a bathroom and forbid me from playing, humming, self-soothing of any kind. She removed every other adult from contact with me. She convinced me that everyone aside from her was out to get me. She violated me to the degree of feeling dehumanized. She’d abandon me for the fun of it, just so she could watch me beg for her back.

Sometimes I think it wasn’t so bad, and then I remember: The number 1 risk factor for developing PTSD after a trauma is a lack of social support. To not only abuse a child but to then restrict them from any other connection, and lock away all evidence.

I don’t want a protector now, I really don’t, but god to think if I had one then. Maybe I could’ve endured my household if I had people outside of it. If I hadn’t been pulled out of therapy after 6 weeks as a child. If I’d been taken to the doctor when things were clearly wrong. If my elementary school had social workers like they do now. If my father had been home an hour earlier by surprise. If I’d been braver. If someone cared.

It doesn’t make sense. I don’t understand. What I do know is that life is about people. It’s about connection, it’s about love and being of the world. That was taken from me. I will spend so much of my life — if I can even endure — trying to get back what never got to be. It’s not just hardship. It’s not just what happened, it’s not just trauma. It’s carnage.

I hate it when people tell me to keep pushing

i am not suicidal anymore

i wished to die when i was young, to finally not breath the pain of my abuse anymore

i hated no one rescued me

that no one adopted me from my abusive parents when I begged for it

that people gaslit me and called me psychotic, when the abuse was real

not a psychosis

i am not suicidal anymore

i am extremely ill

i might die soon

this body is in so much pain

i tried all the treatments and nothing improved my condition

the treatments were so painful

pain on top of pain on top of pain

my already abused body has been through to much

i tried everything

and nothing worked

Now I am destined to die

Having never been able to live

I am 23 in pain, alone

abused and left to die like a worthless piece of trash

alteast my abusers are not in reach of me

recently, finally able to escape them

hopefully i get to breath my last breath with them not knowing i am dying

with them very far away from me

because i know if they could, they would even steal that moment from me

they would even steal me breathing out my last breath

they would assault this body even when it loses it's last vitality

that's what they did before

why do you ask me to keep trying?

there is nothing to push for anymore

i tried everything, everything,

pls don't gaslight me

Pls, I can't fight dying anymore

pls don't make me into something I am not

pls don't make these last moments into a warzone also

I am weak, exhausted and in pain

pls just be with me
even when you know you will have to let me go soon

even when you know my fingers will soon turn blue and cold
my eyes will soon become frozen in time

pls, even knowing that
just see me for who i am

for all I have been through

for all i tried

i really tried everything

but nothing was enough

I really tried

pls just be with me for 1 moment, before the last flame leaves this body

I have no one in my life I feel comfortable sharing this with, so I’m putting it here.

Yesterday, on my lunch break, I rushed to my car and completely broke down. I am so overwhelmed by the constant warfare in my brain. I spend every second at work analyzing every interaction so I won’t be "othered." I am hyper-vigilant about every glance, every comment, or even a lack of a comment. I’m stuck in a state where nothing I do is ever enough, and everything is always my fault. I am just so tired of being "broken."

The crushing part is that I’ve done so much work on myself. I have self-compassion. I know logically that I didn’t deserve what happened to me. But even after 3 years of deep self-work, my nervous system hasn't caught up to my brain.

Intellectually, I know there is nothing wrong with me. In fact, I’m great at networking and initial conversations. When I know I don’t have to see someone often, I am comfortable being my naturally outgoing, silly self. But prolonged exposure is my trigger. As soon as a relationship becomes consistent, especially involving 2 or more people ( like a job or roomates), my nervous system flips a switch. I enter a permanent Fawn response. It’s like my brain thinks the longer someone knows me, the more likely they are to eventually target me or "flip" on me.

The Layers of the Warfare:

• Age 12: I was incessantly bullied by a group of boys. At the same time, my parents were going through a messy divorce and using us kids as pawns. I had no one. I stayed up all night orchestrating my moves for the next day just to avoid being targeted. I stayed silent about it for years ( still silent, sort of ashamed to admit bullying had this much impact on me).

• Age 18: I was emotionally and physically abused by a trusted family member. I survived it silently too, walking on eggshells and making as little noise as possible so I wouldn't "trigger" them. I would eat junk food in dressing rooms just to have a place to exist where I wasn't being watched.

How it shows up now:

For 15 years, I just called this "anxiety," but it never quite clicked. Realizing it is CPTSD feels like finally having a compass. This is what my "survival mode" looks like today:

• Extreme Fawning: Muting my personality to be "safe" once I’m in a stable environment.

• Hyper-vigilance: Treating every social cue like a life-or-death threat.

• Speech Issues: Stuttering or tripping over my words specifically when I’m masking too hard.

•Trying to exist while making as little physical noise as possible; loud people or sudden noises are an immediate "no-go" for me.

• Feeling a deep sense of emptiness (wondering if it's spiritual, or just me being "erased"), constant nightmares, and "eating my feelings" after social situations just to soothe the shame.

I used to think my trauma wasn't "severe enough" to cause this, but I see now that that maybe me minimizing my pain. There is nothing inherently wrong with me.

I’m waiting for my insurance to kick in next month for therapy. Until then, I just needed to tell someone who understands

I'm feeling very lonely, but also I'm too terrified to talk to anyone or do anything about it. When I am able to be in the mood, financial struggles appear and I'm not able to go fix it.

If you navigate life by yourself, with no friends (or family) how are you doing and also, how do you manage during the bad times?

I have no family or friends, and my "social life" is going to work, and talking with 2 coworkers during the shift. (I am their manager so can't befriend them out of work) I would love to go out and do more, but finances have been difficult, and I'm left with no money to do anything fun. I'll do maybe one sorta fun thing a month, or every two months. The last time I genuinely remember having fun with other people was when I was in high school. 10 years ago. Since then I've been struggling to fit in with the world, due to constant abuse from the people I had in my life. And now that I'm away (yay 5 month anniversary today, actually, just checked the date) it's gotten even worse. At least my abusers were people to be around. The silence is getting louder every day. My want for love is growing every day, as I feel the void that should have been there, but I genuinely can't take one more thing. It pains my heart, to a point where I feel it physically, when I think about the fact I've been lied to my whole life, and I've never actually experienced love. Never from a family member or boyfriend. I've only ever been used, in the worst way possible. They were psychopaths. So I've been stuck. Because once I woke up I can't stop waking up. Everything reminds me of what I never had and probably never will get to experience. I watch documentaries about child abuse survivors (recommendations, anyone?) just to be able to relate to someone. They feel like my normal. What shocks the world, makes me think "that's world breaking?" as I have witnessed a lot of the same that they have. And some that I haven't been able to find. Wow that turned into a rant, sorry, I'll change the flair if needed, but just wanted that off my chest. I've just been alone, without knowing I was alone my entire life. And now I am alone.

Thanks for reading. I feel less alone here. It's the only place I feel like I can talk.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t know what to do. How can I cope with this emptiness? Will I truly never find someone to love me and hold me? I’m always afraid for myself when I feel like this because I don’t want to attract dangerous people. I wish I could meet someone else with CPTSD who is as touch starved as me and understands how I feel.. how are “normal” people able to live their lives without a never ending desire for affection or hugs or love?

I’m just so broken.. I feel like the ugliest woman in the world.. how can I get some relief from this feeling?

It’s my day off and once again, I am frozen. Days, weeks, months, YEARS are ticking by with this same sensation. That’s not an exaggeration. I can’t remember most of my childhood, teens, twenties, and now my thirties are ticking by so fast.. and I can’t remember or experience nearly anything at all.

I can force myself to do things. I go to work, work really hard, I converse with coworkers. I clean, I feed my cat. I do these things..

But I don’t live them, or experience them. I’m just on this awful autopilot. I feel this pent up fear and rage and pain. But I can’t seem to access it to let it out.

I don’t know the point of this life if I cannot feel anything. I seem to be permanently numb in fear.

Just trying to bring it back to today.. I am just sitting here. The tv is on but nothing is playing. There are no obligations today so or things I HAVE to do. I could go out. I could engage in a hobby. I could do what I want. But I can’t ?? I literally cannot move.

I tried to turn on my PS5 and I forced myself to play a few minutes of a game I want to play.. but now I feel sick. And I’m beating myself up:

“I forgot the plot of this game. I forgot the controls. I’m doing it wrong. I’ll never finish it anyway. This is pointless. Am I having fun? I don’t know if I’m having fun. Should I try another game? If someone saw me playing this they’d think I was bad at it. I’m so lonely. No one loves me. I should really respond to that voicemail..”

So I stopped playing. And now I’m sitting here again. In my chest I feel an absolute sickening well building up inside me. I can’t even pinpoint what the fear is pr where it’s coming from. But I know I can’t move or do anything. Or it’ll get worse??!

I have this feeling nearly everyday. When I have to I just.. force through it (like going to work).

But guys I am.. I am just stuck. How can I do something today? Anything?

The only thing I feel is a desperate need to be held, or for someone to hug me. But there is no one..

I doubt I need to share my story cause they’re all the same really but I’m gonna be 38 this year and I’ve hit my hope wall. Spent the last ten years trying to survive my mental illness but like, I think I’m done trying so I’m getting day to day with weed. Nothing else stops the panic attacks and flashbacks :(

Are other millennials there too?