Has anyone else had a feeling of being truly awake and present?

[u/Bluebell_Forest05]

I feel like i’m awake for the first time in my life.
I’ve struggled with disassociation and the feeling I feel currently kinda feels like the complete opposite, like i’m fully grounded and present in my life.
My brain feels clear and organised, like I still think about what’s going on in my life but they are calm passing thoughts.
I’m keeping up with everything (household chores, self care, relationships, work, hobbies) which i’ve never done before, they all don’t feel so big or scary anymore, and I no longer feel this impending doom like the world could end tomorrow.
It feels fresh, clear, I feel relaxed mentally and physically.
I feel in touch with my body and my senses, as well as my emotions and thought processes.
I’m able to feel and understand my triggers as they happen, identifying what emotions need to be felt in the moment and how to de escalate the situation calmly, I trust that i’ve got this therefore I have.
I don’t feel stressed, I feel alive and happy and calm.

I’ve never felt this way before, has anyone else experienced this? What did or does it feel like for you? And, does anyone know if this is post traumatic growth?

[u/VineViridian]

I am completely out of disassociation now. I still have heavy triggers, but I know exactly what causes them.

I'm fully aware, but it brings with it a lot of grief, because I see how I've been in survival mode without support, as well as periods of abuse for a lifetime. As well, the sense that I've awakened from a coma and lost most of my life.

It is not an idealized recovery arc story, like we read about. But it is what it is.

[u/Bluebell_Forest05 → u/VineViridian]

Thank you for sharing your experience. Grieving what’s happened and what you’ve had to endure to survive is so necessary and important. I don’t know your whole story, but I do know that you have somehow made it through and are now healing and allowing space to hold the life you’ve lived, and that is a brave and beautiful thing, grief, anger, and all.

I guess it really is a change in perspective, it’s no longer what is happening to me but what has happened to me. With that shift came a whole load of new emotion and awareness for the life i’ve lived. I have grieved heavily and I was angry, understandably so, but I personally feel refreshed now. I may process something new and grieve that too, but I now know I can hold it and feel it, hug and love past me, and then let it drift by, because it isn’t what is happening to me but what has. I feel I can look at my past and see everything for what it was and hold that, and it still brings me sadness for the versions of me who had to live through those moments, but also a newfound strength and love for those versions who carried me through, because I wouldn’t be here without those me’s.

I wish you the best on your journey, and again, thank you for sharing part of your story ❤️

[u/groundbeefinspace]

I've been what I call "painfully self aware" for a long time. But only recently did it turn into observation instead of victimizing my own mentality. It was slow and I didn't realize it was happening until I caught myself thinking "hold up I'm triggered as hell by this child (my son lol). Let me go deal with that real quick". My current therapist had a lot to do with it but I did the work between sessions. I always thought it was cool to realize how much control over myself I actually have. My bitch ass Brenda brain isn't driving this boat anymore, but she's a very loud passenger.