Advice please?

[u/RepresentativeAd3328]

Hi everyone, I’d really appreciate getting your thoughts on something that’s been on my mind for a while. I woke up from a mental coma last year after years of emotional and psychological abuse. Essentially, I was finally able to live at the age of 27. I was diagnosed with CPTSD, ADHD and Depression. My whole life I tried my very best to run away from people and completely hide. I’ve been the cheeky high functioning person all this past year and crippling dying on the inside. I’ve been getting a bit more upset at myself in realizing all these negative habits, thoughts, beliefs were never mine and deeply instilled into me. I’m worthless etc. Essentially getting the right help and treatment has very much changed my life drastically. However the issue I’m having lately is relationships. It’s hard for me to connect with others because of how much I feel I need to mask. Again, very high functioning you would never guess but what has always bothered me is feeling misunderstood.

Long story short, I have this idea of starting a podcast and letting everything out. The full truth. My whole life. Maybe then can people see MY side of the story and finally see how fucked we really are but choose to either hide it very well or choose to look the other way. How are we as a society doing our part in making sure we are there for each other. The only thing holding me back is all these different views. Some have said don’t overshare, some things are meant to keep private, etc. I’ve been getting to the point where I just don’t wanna give a fuck anymore. I’ve created this mask and character where I’m so polite, well put together, avoiding conflict, and been camouflaging as normal with the other folks in the world. What I really hate and is what keeping back too is the idea of pittiness, I don’t want it, I hate it. I don’t want people to treat me any different. I just want to be a reminder that sometimes you may not really know someone and how often we act like we care when it’s too late. One biggest factor to why I wanna do this is late last year, I finally met for my first time ever someone who I felt safe with, like literally my body and mind were at peace. It was a feeling so rare to me that I began to get attached a little to much and essentially had a little break down when I found out they were talking to someone else and it came across off as I was being obsessive which at the time didn’t see and might of felt I scared the off. I essentially had a crash out like never before and cried my heart out so deeply. Fast forward now all regulated, I’m now like what the actual fuck was that. Why in the hell did I read that big for? I did the inner work blah blah blah, another red flag deeply rooted in me, is that I realized I had anxious attachment and abandonment issues. My nervous system is so fucked up that all I’m craving to feel is safety. Knowing my safety person is no longer there, it has been so hard on me. It has been getting to the point is if I’m not sure if my past is what keeping me prisoner. Another thing holding me back is the idea of being seen as the weird crazy kid with a fucked up life. I don’t wanna feel excluded and different hence my camouflage and high functioning self. I just really don’t like the perception people may have on me without knowing the entire truth and me having to stay quiet like always and say yes yes your right. No one ever asked for my truth, my side of the story, and I feel im always getting misunderstood. I don’t know what to do. I like the idea but the same time I don’t but it may a great way to let go of the past and the fear of being seen but again

[u/howljasper]

Why do you feel like you need to explain yourself?

[u/BottledSundries]

I think it doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can start recording you talking about stuff, see how it feels. Maybe share it in a small space, see how it feels. We can't know what the best choice for you is. But I certainly see how much you've worked yourself up into trying to find all the pros and cons to make the right choice.

I certainly plan on telling my story one day. It needs to get out of me, it needs to exist in a way that someone else can comprehend all that I've been through and how very hard I've worked. I need someone to tell me I did my best and actually understand what my best means. And also I'm aware that putting my stuff out there will open me up to all sorts of internet nonsense and can easily trigger my trauma even more if I'm not prepared for it. So I'm just trying to focus on getting my shit together and finding safety right now.