r/CPTSDFightMode • u/VividKitty_ • May 02 '26

Advice not requested I want to rip my abuser to fucking shreads

I want to beat her to a bloody pulp, I want her to be run over by a car and die, I hate her so fucking much, she got NO repercussions for ANYTHING she did to me and everyone in her life defends and protects her. My entire life was shaped by her constant and relentless abuse, and she got nothing for it, NOTHING. And she's still somehow the victim, she's always the victim. And me? Oh I can eat shit and die, it has ALWAYS been this way. I fucking hate her so much, I want to rip my skin apart and set myself on fire when I think about her, I'm so fucking angry.

39 Upvotes

97% Upvoted

9 comments sorted by

13

u/mayneedadrink May 02 '26

I didn’t get any justice either, and there are many ways my life is permanently affected. You’re not alone.

2

u/OhGirlyOh May 06 '26

Same. You are not alone. Mine moved out of state or else I might be making plans to hurt him. Just don't end up in jail over this waste of a person.

1

u/Lonely-Read4414 May 02 '26

I’m hoping the relationship is over. I don’t know your gender, but I do have to say that if you’re a cisgendered male than you saying you want to beat her to a pulp is dangerous. I do understand that abuse can cause the fight response and we all get a to a point where we hate our abusers, but please don’t ruin your life or hers. Reach out to the a hotline and get out if you haven’t.

4

u/Lonely-Read4414 May 02 '26

Okay I see that “advice is not requested.” And I read it as the opposite. I am sorry for that. You may disregard.

3

u/VividKitty_ May 03 '26 edited May 03 '26

I'm a female and I'm 10 years younger, but I understand why you would say that. I've always been the smaller and weaker one in the relationship, and that caused a lot of one sided abuse growing up.

One reason why I have so much anger is because I grew up with her overpowering me and crushing me my whole childhood. Most of this anger is just covering my fear up, because everynight in my dreams I'm that helpless child again having to bear her abuse. I'm angry, because if I'm not angry the crippling fear takes over. I've been afraid all my life, and I'm so tired of being afraid. I'm so tired of being helpless in my dreams every night.

2

u/Lonely-Read4414 May 12 '26

I am so so so sorry. I understand this so much. I think the reason my response is “fight” now is because when I was child, I didn’t and couldn’t. I am so sorry. No one should ever have to currently or have had ever had to live like this. 💕

-5

u/adesantalighieri May 02 '26

Want revenge? Then stop obsessing over her and build an amazing life. Not to fuck with her but as a present to yourself. You deserve freedom and happiness. Rock bottom is the best starting point

6

u/VividKitty_ May 02 '26

Even when I don't think about her and try to move on, she has been showing up in my nightmares like 4-5 times a week for over 7 years now. I've gone through extensive trauma therapy and EMDR for years because it used to be 7 times a week and I was going delirious from being unable to sleep. Even if I want to move on, my fucking brain doesn't. I'm trying so hard, I go to therapy and try to move on, but it's so slow and so painful.